The scrapped ‘Transformers’ parody
I started to write a parody of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” in the spirit of my “Twilight” and “Titanic” screenplays, but stopped before I got very far. I soon realized that, after less than a week of release, the movie had already been so thoroughly dissected, mocked, ridiculed, and satirized on the Interwebs that there wasn’t anything left for me to say. In the interest of completeness, however, here’s what I came up with before I abandoned the project.
My Rejected “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” Screenplay
SCENE 1
OPTIMUS PRIME: (voice over) For the last two years, the Autobots have secretly been working with the U.S. military to hunt down and destroy the remaining Decepticons. We work in secret not because people would freak out if they knew alien robots were real, but because they’d be angry over how different the alien robots are from the alien robots they used to see in cartoons. Luckily, there were no witnesses to the large-scale, broad-daylight destruction of Los Angeles in the last film, so we’ve been able to keep the whole thing hush-hush.
ARMY GUY: Optimus! Shut up with your narrating and get to work! The Decepticons are attacking Beijing!
OPTIMUS PRIME: OK, OK. Hey, do I need to put in for overtime on this?
ARMY GUY: No, just mark it on your time card and we’ll let H.R. sort it out. And save your receipts!
SCENE 2
SAM: I’m going off to college, Bumblebee, and I can’t take you with me. I’ll miss you!
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: What about us?
SAM: Yes, Megan Fox’s breasts, I’ll miss you too.
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: Just don’t cheat on us with any other breasts while you’re away!
SAM: Don’t worry! Believe me, I’m every bit as terrified of women as I appear to be! Oh, hey, look — it’s a piece of the Allspark that was almost completely destroyed in the last film! It’s been here in the pocket of my hoodie all this time. Huh.
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: You’d think you would have noticed it before.
SAM: Yeah. I guess this hoodie has been hanging up in my closet for two years and I haven’t worn it or looked at it since that night.
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: Well, it’s a good thing you found the Allspark sliver, considering it has the power to do whatever random thing needs to be done, plot-wise.
SAM: Good point, breasts. Whoops! Now it’s turning the household appliances into Decepticons!
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: Yeah, you’re gonna have some of that.
* * *
I did like the idea of Megan Fox’s Breasts being characters by themselves, and I was looking forward to the exaggeratedly racist attributes that the Autobot twins would take on. But those ideas alone weren’t enough to sustain the project. Note that my ability to recognize when I lack creative inspiration and thus stop what I’m doing is one of several things that makes me better than Michael Bay.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Good stuff. I really enjoy these parodies that you do of overrated movies. How about a Harry Potter script?
July 7th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Dang it, Eric, how the heck am I supposed to know what happens in the film now?
July 7th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
*pouting*
I’d rather read your plot synopsis rather than any other sensible one out there.
There better be a “New Moon” parody to tag along with your “Twilight” one.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I can’t tell if these movies are parodies of themselves, or take themselves so seriously while being so bland and silly that there’s no reason to do parodies of them.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Maybe it’s because I haven’t actually seen the movie, or perhaps because I haven’t really bothered with reading other parodies or criticisms, but this was definitely quite funny to me.
It just goes to show that you can’t fake creative influence. Oh, unless you have access to flashy CGI-effects. Then you’ll make millions of dollars.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Dang. Unfinished. And the beginning was so good, too!
July 9th, 2009 at 12:25 am
this was really funny, please finish it!!
July 9th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Eric, find some Dr. Pepper and go back to the creative wellspring to finish this one. Very good and very funny. I actually haven’t seen the film yet, but I’m kinda dying to see the train wreck and Bayhem. The critics have not been kind, and I didn’t even really like the first one all that much. Still….like a repulsive tractor beam, I feel drawn to its sheer badness.
July 9th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I appreciate the compliments, but you people need to trust me when I tell you that this is all there is. To continue with the parody would be like forcing a beloved TV show to do an extra season even after all the inspiration and creativity had been used up. If I were to “finish” the parody, you would read it and think, “Eh… He sort of ran out of ideas after that second scene, didn’t he?” So take my word for it. You don’t want more. Thank you, though.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
And that’s why you’re also better than Chris Carter.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:31 am
The point you make in the last sentence here makes this post much more effective as a criticism of Transformers than any additional treatment of the movie’s ludicrousness ever could have.