The “Eric’s Bad Movies” feature at Film.com is three months old now, and it’s time for me to request your help once again in coming up with appropriate selections for the column. Many of you gave suggestions when I first announced “Eric’s Bad Movies,” and I’ve used a few of them and plan to use a few more. So I appreciate your help! And now I want more of it!

The column’s archives are here, so you can see what I’ve already covered. Beyond that, I have a few rules for the types of films that are most useful. I reserve the right to break these rules (except #1 and #2) if I want to; they’re more like personal guidelines. For example, despite rule #3, I think there might be some “Batman & Robin” in my future. But if you’re suggesting titles, try to keep them within these parameters.

1. It needs to be bad. And not just bad, but really bad. Mediocre won’t cut it. A film that is merely mediocre is a waste of my time.

2. It must have been released in theaters. No straight-to-video releases or made-for-TV movies.

Continue reading…

There was a flurry of wrong guesses last week, but only one commenter got it right: This week’s Bad Movie at Film.com is “Patch Adams,” a wretched, manipulative sham that stands as the supreme example of Movies That Make Us Want to Smack Robin Williams. So nice guessing, whoever it was!

Here is my anecdote concerning “Patch Adams.” In early January of 1999, I went with a friend to a theater in Salt Lake City for a screening of “A Civil Action.” I wasn’t really reviewing movies yet, but I’d gotten an invitation at the newspaper I worked for, so hey, why not. However, we arrived with just moments to spare before showtime, and the theater was already packed, so we couldn’t get in. Not wanting to waste the trip, we decided to see something that was also playing at this theater … and for some reason we chose “Patch Adams.” I don’t vividly recall my reaction, but I know it was not positive. Even with my critical skills still at a rudimentary level I saw through the film’s shameless fraudulence. Watching it again last week, I hated it rather passionately. There were a few times when I was yelling and gesticulating at the TV.

As for next week’s movie, it was going to be “My Giant,” starring Billy Crystal and a very tall man. But I sat down to watch it the other night and was dismayed to learn that it’s actually not all that bad. I’m not saying it’s good, just that it’s not terrible. More like a mediocre but good-natured sitcom. I had to turn it off after a half hour or so because I couldn’t afford to waste my time watching something that wasn’t excruciating. You see what my life has become.

So you get to guess on what the replacement film for next week is. (Don’t worry, I’ve watched it, and it’s appropriately awful.) Your clues are that it was released in the mid ’80s (think ‘84-’86); it was rated PG and generally aimed at families; it starred someone who had previously starred in a cult-favorite TV show; and though it was a box office flop, I think many people will recognize the title and basic premise. You might have even seen it on video.

Guess away! And in the meantime, enjoy my assessment of “Patch Adams.”

Well, I guess this was inevitable. Today’s edition of “Eric’s Bad Movies” at Film.com features “Kazaam,” a movie that for some reason Shaquille O’Neal is the star of. I know! It doesn’t make sense to me, either.

I think next week’s movie, if you’re in a guessing mood, will be one that many people liked — it grossed over $200 million worldwide when it was released in the 1990s — but is terrible nonetheless.

Anyone who is a fan of Pauly Shore better stop reading now!

OK, now that zero people have stopped reading, I’ll tell you about this week’s edition of “Eric’s Bad Movies” at Film.com. It’s “Bio-Dome,” the last of a string of Shore comedies from the mid-’90s, and by all accounts the worst of the bunch. I had seen snippets of it on TV before, but this was the first time I’d attempted to watch the whole thing. It was hard.

Kudos to those readers who correctly predicted this entry based on last week’s clues! I like the part where some people said it was “definitely” someone else. You’re definitely wrong! I haven’t decided what next week’s Bad Movie is, so no clues this time.

Oh! Perhaps you will be interested in this “Snide Remarks” column from 2003 in which I met Pauly Shore in person and lied to him.

Whoever guessed “Glitter” last week, you win a gold star! That is the subject of this week’s edition of “Eric’s Bad Movies” at Film.com. I had actually watched it once before, back in about 2002, when some friends and I threw a white-trash party, dressed accordingly, and partook of Mariah Carey’s tour de force. Strangely, when I re-watched it last week, I discovered that I didn’t remember a single detail. I take that as a good sign.

Do you like the guessing game? Well, next week’s Bad Movie is from the second half of the ’90s, and it stars one of those people where you go, “I can’t believe there was ever a time when America thought this man was funny.”

If I’ve watched “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” starring former funnyman Eddie Murphy, then you know it must be Thursday, and this must be another one of “Eric’s Bad Movies” at Film.com.

Technically, I should have reviewed this movie when it came out. It was 2002, and I was doing the full-time critic thing. I don’t remember the specifics, but I know it wasn’t screened for critics (which in those days was much rarer), and for whatever reason I couldn’t prevail upon myself to go see it during the one week that it survived in theaters. (Next week’s Bad Movie is also a high-profile flop from the 2000s that I should have reviewed when it opened. Any guesses what it might be???)

The column features a throwaway reference to Jeremy Piven’s ridiculous hairpieces. I made a similar joke about Nicolas Cage’s hair in this week’s “Snide Remarks.” Is this a coincidence? Part of an ongoing campaign against bad toupees? Who can say, really?

As promised, this week’s edition of “Eric’s Bad Movies” at Film.com is “Speed 2: Cruise Control,” the strangely Keanu-free sequel to the 1994 blockbuster. Despite its title, it contains very little speed and no control. There is a cruise, though, and probably a 2 somewhere. Enjoy.

Two discs from Netflix sat on my desk, “Staying Alive” and “Speed 2.” I had planned to do “Speed 2″ for this week’s Bad Movie and “Staying Alive” next week. Then it came time to watch one or the other, and I went with “Staying Alive.” Why? Because — and this was literally the reason — it was a half-hour shorter than “Speed 2.” So thank you, “Staying Alive,” for only being 96 minutes long.

Anyway, here it is at Film.com, my treatise on “Staying Alive.” (Spoiler: It’s not a very good movie.)

Here are some articles I’ve written for Film.com that might interest or amuse you, all posted since the last time I did one of these roundups. Which was a while ago, so some of these are kinda old now. But still.

‘Untraceable’s’ European Facebook Campaign Was Tacky, Just Like the Movie - Remember the movie “Untraceable”? No? That’s OK.

Differences Between the ‘Prom Night’ Trailer and My Actual Prom Night - I loved this idea when my Film.com overlord pitched it to me, and I had fun writing it.

‘Fanboys’: When Directors Strike Back - All the background you need on this silly news item is in the story.

Good News! The New Indiana Jones Will NOT Be Non-Stop CGI - This development occurs over George Lucas’ dead body, one assumes.

Hey ‘Dark Knight’: Test Audiences Are Dumb, Don’t Listen to Them - In response to a rumor that certain elements of the new Batman film would be excised to appease certain stupid audience members who were too emotional over the months-ago death of an actor they never met whose demise affected them in no way whatsoever.

Are You Excited About ‘Speed Racer’? - Well, we know the answer now. Turns out my prophecies herein were correct.

Cell Phones Movies?? Nooooooooooooo! - In response to a news item about a Nokia-sponsored “filmmaking” contest.

Animals That Need to Have Horror Movies Made About Them - Self-explanatory.

If Teen Girls Have Anything to Say About It, ‘Twilight’ Will Soon Take Over the World - OMG LOL.

It was inevitable that I would do a Chuck Norris film at some point in the “Eric’s Bad Movies” series, and today is the day! I made perhaps the obvious choice, “The Delta Force,” about terrorists and Jews and motorcycles. The sequel is almost certainly worse, but I figured this one was bad enough. Please to be enjoying my analysis, over at Film.com.