Do you love baked goods? Do you love helping Ukrainian orphans escape a life of poverty and Ukrainianism? Do you love seeing adorable 6-year-olds endeavor to bless the lives of others? Then this is your lucky day, Hector!

In Utah dwells one Gary Ceran, who had a wife and nine children. Two died at birth; three more died of brain cancer. Then his wife and two of the remaining children were killed by a drunk driver. On Christmas Eve. This left Gary Ceran and two children out of a family that originally had 11 members. Then Gary forgave the drunk driver and asked the court to show leniency on him, because Gary is a better person than you or me.

Gary eventually married a woman named Corrine, who had four children of her own, joining Gary’s two surviving teenagers. Do you think six children is enough for one household? You are mistaken! Gary and Corrine now seek to adopt three Ukrainian orphans, ages 11, 9, and 8, whom they hosted for a few weeks last fall. The process is expensive — $40,000. That is the going rate for Ukrainian orphans nowadays, because of inflation. But if the kids stay where they are, in the Ukraine, as orphans … well, forget about it. Even living in Utah would be preferable to that. They want to be a permanent part of the Ceran family, and the Cerans want them too.

Here’s where the adorable 6-year-old comes in. My niece, Lindsay, wanted to have a bake sale, primarily as an excuse to make brownies. Her parents steered her toward the idea of raising money to help someone in need and told her about the Cerans. Lindsay got excited and wanted to help that family. (Lindsay is pictured here with her 3-year-old brother, Logan, who is also adorable.)

So this Friday, Feb. 11, from 3-6 p.m., Lindsay will host a bake sale at her house in Pleasant Grove, Utah, assisted by her parents (my brother Jeff and his wife, Beth). I’m told that a variety of tasty homemade treats will be available for purchase. If you are in the vicinity and can figure out how to find something in Pleasant Grove (I always end up in American Fork), why not stop by, pick up some goodies, and help the Ceran family?

If you are not in the vicinity, you can still help Lindsay raise money by sending a donation through PayPal to Jeff Snider, snidog@JeffJSnider.com. (Mind the “J” in there. We like middle initials in our family.) Every penny will go directly to the Cerans’ adoption process. What’s more, Jeff and Beth have told Lindsay that they will match whatever she raises.

Lindsay, being young and uncynical, is awestruck to think that strangers — people she doesn’t even know! — would send her money on the Cerans’ behalf. Her face lights up whenever Jeff reports that a donation has come in.

You want to make a 6-year-old’s face light up, don’t you? And you want to help Ukrainian orphans, don’t you? WELL, DON’T YOU??

More details on the event, including the address for the bake sale, are here.

UPDATE: Holy crap, you guys! The bake sale raised $796.85! I don’t have the details. I don’t know if brownies were being sold at $50 apiece. I don’t know if sorcery was involved. But in addition to that money raised in person, another $971.00 was donated via PayPal, from all over the world. That’s $1,767.85 that my 6-year-old niece raised, to be matched by my brother and his wife, for a total of $3,535.70 that will go to an amazing family adopting three Ukrainian orphans. You have to go to the Ceran family’s site and read more about them. These people are unbelievably generous and good-hearted. Their actions are informed by their religious faith, and they are the epitome of what Christians are supposed to be.

And think how great little Lindsay must feel! She’s 6 years old, and she got to help organize this project that will directly bless the lives of others. I’m six times her age and I don’t know if I’ve ever done anything that useful. To all of you who contributed via PayPal or who showed up at the bake sale, thank you for helping a little girl experience the joy of helping others, and thank you for helping the Cerans bring their new kids home.

Next Tuesday, July 6, if you walk outside and find yourself in the general vicinity of Provo, Utah, cancel whatever you’re doing and come to Pioneer Park at 5:30 p.m. for the First (and Last) Annual Eric D. Snider Tweet-Up and Gathering of General Merriment for Friends and Strangers!

Strictly informal and casual. Nobody’s providing anything. No specific activities are planned, although I guess if someone brings a piano I’ll do a couple songs, just because it would be funny if someone actually brings a piano to the park. Bring your kids if you wanna. Bring food and beverages if you want to eat and drink. If you just want to sit around and mingle, then just bring your butt and your mingling hat.

Who is invited? Everyone! People who follow me on the Twitters! People who read stuff that I write! People I used to know but haven’t seen in forever! People I am friends with but never get a chance to see when I’m in town because I’m never there for very long and maybe I don’t have their phone numbers anymore! People who are entirely unfamiliar with me but found this announcement because they googled “provo park merriment”! Everyone is welcome, except for former employers!

Here is a summary of the pertinent info, in the manner of an invitation, so that you will think you have been specifically invited:

What: The First (and Last) Annual Eric D. Snider Tweet-Up and Gathering of General Merriment for Friends and Strangers

When: Tuesday, July 6, 5:30 p.m.-???? (“????” probably means like 8:00 or so.)

Where: Pioneer Park, 500 W. Center St., Provo, Utah

For whom: Anyone who wants to come hang out for a while, maybe eat some food (if they bring it themselves), say hello, enjoy the park, &c.

UPDATE: I can now confirm that a celebrity guest named Momma Snider will be in attendance! You will treat her with respect, unless your disrespect is especially funny.

For fun, sometimes I like to read the letters to the editor published in the Deseret News (in Salt Lake City) and the Daily Herald (in Provo, Utah). These papers have a lot of readers who are uptight, self-righteous, and/or insane, and like most uptight, self-righteous, and/or insane people, they are eager to broadcast it. Here are a few letters from recent days.

Deseret News, May 31:

I’m sure I won’t be the only reader responding to your article on profanity. I couldn’t believe the first sentence about “beating the crap out of …”

Perhaps you don’t think this word qualifies as profanity. That is inexcusable. Especially considering the subject of the article. If this word was used to shock those who read the piece, it is no different than screenwriters who put such words into movie and television scripts.

Barbara A. Lyman
American Fork

Barb employs two of the hallmarks of the self-righteous letter. First, she says she’s sure she won’t be the only one to complain — in other words, “Surely my opinion is widely held! Surely I am not in the fringe!” Then she says that if you don’t think “crap” is profanity, that’s “inexcusable” — in other words, “If you disagree with me, YOU are the wrong one, because this is a black-and-white issue with a clear-cut right answer, and I’m right.”

Continue reading…

If you should walk outside this Saturday or any other Saturday in the near future, look around, and discover that you are in the vicinity of Provo, Utah, you should make the most of your woeful situation by attending a performance by the Thrillionaires.

The Thrillionaires do long-form theatrical improvisation. It’s probably unlike anything you’ve ever seen, unless you’ve seen the Thrillionaires. They’ll get a couple suggestions from the audience, then create a 30-minute play in the style of Oscar Wilde; or a Broadway-style musical; or a puppet show; or a 1930s-type radio program. There is usually music. Sometimes things get dramatic for a bit. But mostly there is incredibly quick-witted, high-spirited comedy.

It’s hard to promote the Thrillionaires by telling you specific funny things they’ve done. Like most improv, it’s a “you had to be there” kind of thing. This recent rave review from a Provo newspaper I hadn’t heard of might give you an idea. Mostly, though, I can tell you that the people who have discovered the group keep coming back week after week to see what uniquely entertaining merriment they’ll come up with next.

The group’s founders are all friends of mine, and that’s what brought them to my attention. I’m telling you about them now because they’re in danger of losing their performance space. There are bills to be paid, after all, and the facility’s owners believe they might make a larger profit by hosting more mainstream, well-known theatrical events. The Thrillionaires have been steadily building an audience, but getting the word out is tough, especially when there are so many other entertainment options available.

So do yourself a favor and go see ‘em. They perform every Saturday at 8 p.m. at the Covey Center for the Arts on Provo Center Street. Tickets are $7 online, $10 at the door. Heck, I’ll make you a guarantee: If you see a Thrillionaires show and don’t enjoy yourself, I will personally refund your money. I’m serious! Go! Laugh! Have fun!

I just discovered this news item from Salt Lake City in April. It seems a would-be robber walked into Cafe Trio, held out a bag to the cashier, and said “fill the bag.” Alas, the cashier thought the crook’s request had been to feel the bag — “feel” and “fill” are often pronounced identically in Utah — and so proceeded to reach out and feel the bag. The crook reportedly said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” and stormed away empty-handed.

I feel bad for the criminal here. Apart from the attempted robbery, he did nothing wrong. “Fill the bag” is a reasonable thing to say, and he said it correctly. It’s not his fault people around him are used to hearing “fill” as a mispronunciation of “feel.” Let this be a lesson to those of you considering a career in crime. You must beware of regional homophones.

(P.S. Despite KSL’s assertion to the contrary, the restaurant is spelled Cafe Trio, not Cafe Treo. It’s an Italian place and the food is quite delicious.)

I’m not a sociologist or historian, and the only subject I know anything about is movies, so take this with a grain of salt. But it seems to me that this blog, Seriously So Blessed, is hilarious. It’s a near-perfect satire of a certain subculture of Mormon life in the Provo/SLC area: the 20-year-old life-long-Provo girls who marry newly returned missionaries and write blogs about their fabulous lives. If you’ve never been a Mormon living in Provo you might not fully appreciate the nuances of the character, so you’ll have to take my word for it that it’s funny.

Note: The blog has an irritating music player that begins playing irritating music the moment the page loads. So be ready for that. It’s irritating.

Just got a press release from Excel Entertainment regarding the film “Stalking Santa.” It says:

BREAKING NEWS 12/17

Stalking Santa trailer was posted on YouTube just two days ago …. We were at 300,000 viewers this morning and now a few hours later we are almost at half a million viewers(475,104) and going up.

Alot of Hollywood movie trailers on YouTube have only hit that mark and we believe we will pass half a million soon. “The Golden Compose” trailer with all its hype only hit just over 500,000. So move over Hollywood and make room for Independent filmmakers

News Updates 12/18 As of Today we at 750,00 viewers

Current YouTube viewing polls:
#1 – Most Viewed (Today)
#1 – Most Viewed (Today) -Comedy
#1 – Most Viewed (This Week) – Comedy
#12 – Most Viewed (This Week)

“So move over, Hollywood, and make room for independent filmmakers — independent filmmakers who will sell their films to Excel Entertainment after receiving promises of a solid theatrical campaign, only to have Excel chicken out and send the film straight to DVD after all!”

As for the “Stalking Santa” trailer getting over 750,000 (or 750,00) views on YouTube, that’s fantastic. I hope it helps sell DVDs. As for that being more impressive than “The Golden Compass” (or, possibly, “Compose”) getting 500,000 views, that’s a bit unfair. The trailer for “Compass” may have only gotten half a million hits on YouTube, but it was also readily available on dozens of other movie websites, where it presumably got thousands more hits; plus it was shown in theaters, which meant a lot of people didn’t need to look for it online at all. The “Stalking Santa” trailer, on the other hand, is pretty much only on YouTube. So yeah, 750,000 is phenomenal, especially for an under-the-radar indie film like this, but let’s not exaggerate things.

[YouTube link]

When I wrote for a paper in Utah whose name escapes me now, one of my favorite things to make fun of was Utah Valley State College, the goofy little cousin to Provo’s more prestigious and selective Brigham Young University. I don’t know which of my UVSC columns a reader named Megan stumbled upon — it could have been this one, this one, this one, or this one (I think it was the second one) — but whichever it was, it roused her enough to send this e-mail:

Honestly I don’t see what you have against UVSC, it’s a really good school and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than BYU. It must all come down to you being jealous. [She's a graduate of UVSC's fine Logic & Reasoning Department, apparently.] You were probably the one that go shot down to even enter into UVSC, so then you had to go to BYU, Big whoop. [This is like saying, "You couldn't get a job at McDonald's, so you had to take a job as a brain surgeon instead."] You’re an egotistical, presumptuous, and uncultivated man. (I forgive you if your uneducated mind had to look up all of those words but I’ll sum it up for you. I just called you a really big jerk.) Yes, you won you offended me but I can still give you my input (it seems like you’re wanting it or you wouldn’t have written this article). UVSC is a great school and so many talented students have achieved great knowledge there. Though you hear on the TV about BYU and how students are being raped and robbing bars (yes, check the news sometime.) [Thank goodness no UVSC student has ever committed a crime! That would render her argument useless!] But you have no reason to trash UVSC. It’s not like it’s the best college, but neither is BYU. In the real world it doesn’t matter what college you go to just as long as you have a degree in something you’ll get hired for the job. So shut up and grow up. You may be old but you’re really immature and sophomoric.
I’ll be waiting for your reply.

Since she requested a reply, I gave her one. I didn’t say much, but I ended with this:

Thanks for writing. I do hope you enjoy your stay at UVSC, and that you work hard and earn your diploma. Well, not a diploma, of course; what they actually give you is a Chili’s gift certificate and a balloon. But still! Work hard!

Alas, that joke is recycled from one of the above-mentioned columns, but what can you do?

If you live in Utah, you might be aware that KJZZ-TV shows the lousy Mormon comedy “The Singles Ward” now and then. But this Thanksgiving, the broadcast will be different. This time, the movie will be funny!

That’s because Daryn Tufts, Randy Tayler, and Trenton James will be providing snarky commentary on it, in the manner of “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” They’re calling it “Talkies.” It will be like watching a bad movie with three of your funniest friends. Or three of my funniest friends, anyway.

But the reason I’m telling you about it isn’t just that the guys are friends of mine, but that some of the snide remarks© they’ll be making were written by me, Eric D. Snider. Yes, though the performance is carefully crafted to look like they’re ad-libbing their responses to the movie, they are in fact scripted. (Such was the case with “Mystery Science Theater,” too.) Daryn asked if I wanted to write some jokes, and I was glad to do it, though it did mean having to watch “The Singles Ward” again.

(Added dimension that the “MST” gang never had to deal with: Daryn is actually in “The Singles Ward.” He’ll be mocking his own performance.)

So if you find yourself in Utah on Thanksgiving, turn your TV dial to KJZZ at 3 p.m. to record this one-time-only broadcast of “Talkies” featuring “The Singles Ward.” If the audience response is favorable, Daryn and the gang may have a chance to give other films in KJZZ’s library the “Talkies” treatment.

After the jump are some YouTube clips of the show. Daryn warns that the picture and sound are rough in these clips, but they’ll be smooth and delightful in the actual broadcast.

Continue reading…

Remember “Stalking Santa,” the fun mockumentary about a guy trying to prove the existence of Santa Claus? Sure you do! I posted a review several months back, and alerted you to some screenings in the Provo area.

Now I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the film is being released on DVD this Tuesday, so you can buy it or rent it and watch it in the comfort of your own home. The bad news is that this is occurring without the movie ever being released to theaters.

What annoys me is that this is the work of Excel Entertainment, which bought the film earlier this year, full of promises to give it a nice theatrical release and plenty of promotion. The producers had other options. They went with Excel because Excel — despite only having previous experience with Utah-centric Mormon films — pledged to handle it effectively.

And now they’re dumping it straight to DVD. “Stalking Santa” isn’t mentioned anywhere on Excel’s website. It’s not for sale at Amazon. (It is for rent at Netflix, though.) As far as I can tell, the only place you can buy it is at Deseret Book stores or at DeseretBook.com — where it’s incorrectly categorized as an “LDS DVD,” no doubt because it came from Excel, and Deseret Book is used to everything Excel does being LDS-themed.

In other words, it’s being marketed (and halfheartedly at that) only to Mormons, even though it has nothing to do with Mormonism and would appeal to a general audience. Indeed, it HAS appealed to general audiences, when it has played at film festivals over the last year. Excel’s bumbling has slashed the movie’s potential.

Why didn’t Excel release it in theaters? An insider told me it was due to the regrettable circumstances of the season. The marketplace is very crowded this time of year, and it’s hard to get theater chains to give up screens for something small like this.

That’s a good point — but it was also 100 percent foreseeable. They could have known that (and should have known that) months ago, when they acquired the film. The holiday season didn’t exactly sneak up on us this year. It was on the calendar.

Anyway, they are doing three free promotional screenings in theaters, one in Salt Lake City on Monday, one in Los Angeles on Tuesday, and one in New York City on Thursday. The details are at the film’s website. I do believe cast members will be on hand at all the screenings.

(By the way, I can see from the picture on the film’s website that I’m quoted on the DVD cover, but I can’t quite make out who it says I write for. It should say “Eric D. Snider, eFilmCritic.com,” but the text looks a few letters longer than that. Can anyone else make it out?)