I just discovered this news item from Salt Lake City in April. It seems a would-be robber walked into Cafe Trio, held out a bag to the cashier, and said “fill the bag.” Alas, the cashier thought the crook’s request had been to feel the bag — “feel” and “fill” are often pronounced identically in Utah — and so proceeded to reach out and feel the bag. The crook reportedly said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” and stormed away empty-handed.

I feel bad for the criminal here. Apart from the attempted robbery, he did nothing wrong. “Fill the bag” is a reasonable thing to say, and he said it correctly. It’s not his fault people around him are used to hearing “fill” as a mispronunciation of “feel.” Let this be a lesson to those of you considering a career in crime. You must beware of regional homophones.

(P.S. Despite KSL’s assertion to the contrary, the restaurant is spelled Cafe Trio, not Cafe Treo. It’s an Italian place and the food is quite delicious.)

I’m not a sociologist or historian, and the only subject I know anything about is movies, so take this with a grain of salt. But it seems to me that this blog, Seriously So Blessed, is hilarious. It’s a near-perfect satire of a certain subculture of Mormon life in the Provo/SLC area: the 20-year-old life-long-Provo girls who marry newly returned missionaries and write blogs about their fabulous lives. If you’ve never been a Mormon living in Provo you might not fully appreciate the nuances of the character, so you’ll have to take my word for it that it’s funny.

Note: The blog has an irritating music player that begins playing irritating music the moment the page loads. So be ready for that. It’s irritating.

Just got a press release from Excel Entertainment regarding the film “Stalking Santa.” It says:

BREAKING NEWS 12/17

Stalking Santa trailer was posted on YouTube just two days ago …. We were at 300,000 viewers this morning and now a few hours later we are almost at half a million viewers(475,104) and going up.

Alot of Hollywood movie trailers on YouTube have only hit that mark and we believe we will pass half a million soon. “The Golden Compose” trailer with all its hype only hit just over 500,000. So move over Hollywood and make room for Independent filmmakers

News Updates 12/18 As of Today we at 750,00 viewers

Current YouTube viewing polls:
#1 - Most Viewed (Today)
#1 - Most Viewed (Today) -Comedy
#1 - Most Viewed (This Week) - Comedy
#12 - Most Viewed (This Week)

“So move over, Hollywood, and make room for independent filmmakers — independent filmmakers who will sell their films to Excel Entertainment after receiving promises of a solid theatrical campaign, only to have Excel chicken out and send the film straight to DVD after all!”

As for the “Stalking Santa” trailer getting over 750,000 (or 750,00) views on YouTube, that’s fantastic. I hope it helps sell DVDs. As for that being more impressive than “The Golden Compass” (or, possibly, “Compose”) getting 500,000 views, that’s a bit unfair. The trailer for “Compass” may have only gotten half a million hits on YouTube, but it was also readily available on dozens of other movie websites, where it presumably got thousands more hits; plus it was shown in theaters, which meant a lot of people didn’t need to look for it online at all. The “Stalking Santa” trailer, on the other hand, is pretty much only on YouTube. So yeah, 750,000 is phenomenal, especially for an under-the-radar indie film like this, but let’s not exaggerate things.

[YouTube link]

When I wrote for a paper in Utah whose name escapes me now, one of my favorite things to make fun of was Utah Valley State College, the goofy little cousin to Provo’s more prestigious and selective Brigham Young University. I don’t know which of my UVSC columns a reader named Megan stumbled upon — it could have been this one, this one, this one, or this one (I think it was the second one) — but whichever it was, it roused her enough to send this e-mail:

Honestly I don’t see what you have against UVSC, it’s a really good school and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than BYU. It must all come down to you being jealous. [She's a graduate of UVSC's fine Logic & Reasoning Department, apparently.] You were probably the one that go shot down to even enter into UVSC, so then you had to go to BYU, Big whoop. [This is like saying, "You couldn't get a job at McDonald's, so you had to take a job as a brain surgeon instead."] You’re an egotistical, presumptuous, and uncultivated man. (I forgive you if your uneducated mind had to look up all of those words but IÂ’ll sum it up for you. I just called you a really big jerk.) Yes, you won you offended me but I can still give you my input (it seems like you’re wanting it or you wouldn’t have written this article). UVSC is a great school and so many talented students have achieved great knowledge there. Though you hear on the TV about BYU and how students are being raped and robbing bars (yes, check the news sometime.) [Thank goodness no UVSC student has ever committed a crime! That would render her argument useless!] But you have no reason to trash UVSC. It’s not like it’s the best college, but neither is BYU. In the real world it doesn’t matter what college you go to just as long as you have a degree in something you’ll get hired for the job. So shut up and grow up. You may be old but you’re really immature and sophomoric.
I’ll be waiting for your reply.

Since she requested a reply, I gave her one. I didn’t say much, but I ended with this:

Thanks for writing. I do hope you enjoy your stay at UVSC, and that you work hard and earn your diploma. Well, not a diploma, of course; what they actually give you is a Chili’s gift certificate and a balloon. But still! Work hard!

Alas, that joke is recycled from one of the above-mentioned columns, but what can you do?

If you live in Utah, you might be aware that KJZZ-TV shows the lousy Mormon comedy “The Singles Ward” now and then. But this Thanksgiving, the broadcast will be different. This time, the movie will be funny!

That’s because Daryn Tufts, Randy Tayler, and Trenton James will be providing snarky commentary on it, in the manner of “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” They’re calling it “Talkies.” It will be like watching a bad movie with three of your funniest friends. Or three of my funniest friends, anyway.

But the reason I’m telling you about it isn’t just that the guys are friends of mine, but that some of the snide remarks© they’ll be making were written by me, Eric D. Snider. Yes, though the performance is carefully crafted to look like they’re ad-libbing their responses to the movie, they are in fact scripted. (Such was the case with “Mystery Science Theater,” too.) Daryn asked if I wanted to write some jokes, and I was glad to do it, though it did mean having to watch “The Singles Ward” again.

(Added dimension that the “MST” gang never had to deal with: Daryn is actually in “The Singles Ward.” He’ll be mocking his own performance.)

So if you find yourself in Utah on Thanksgiving, turn your TV dial to KJZZ at 3 p.m. to record this one-time-only broadcast of “Talkies” featuring “The Singles Ward.” If the audience response is favorable, Daryn and the gang may have a chance to give other films in KJZZ’s library the “Talkies” treatment.

After the jump are some YouTube clips of the show. Daryn warns that the picture and sound are rough in these clips, but they’ll be smooth and delightful in the actual broadcast.

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Remember “Stalking Santa,” the fun mockumentary about a guy trying to prove the existence of Santa Claus? Sure you do! I posted a review several months back, and alerted you to some screenings in the Provo area.

Now I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the film is being released on DVD this Tuesday, so you can buy it or rent it and watch it in the comfort of your own home. The bad news is that this is occurring without the movie ever being released to theaters.

What annoys me is that this is the work of Excel Entertainment, which bought the film earlier this year, full of promises to give it a nice theatrical release and plenty of promotion. The producers had other options. They went with Excel because Excel — despite only having previous experience with Utah-centric Mormon films — pledged to handle it effectively.

And now they’re dumping it straight to DVD. “Stalking Santa” isn’t mentioned anywhere on Excel’s website. It’s not for sale at Amazon. (It is for rent at Netflix, though.) As far as I can tell, the only place you can buy it is at Deseret Book stores or at DeseretBook.com — where it’s incorrectly categorized as an “LDS DVD,” no doubt because it came from Excel, and Deseret Book is used to everything Excel does being LDS-themed.

In other words, it’s being marketed (and halfheartedly at that) only to Mormons, even though it has nothing to do with Mormonism and would appeal to a general audience. Indeed, it HAS appealed to general audiences, when it has played at film festivals over the last year. Excel’s bumbling has slashed the movie’s potential.

Why didn’t Excel release it in theaters? An insider told me it was due to the regrettable circumstances of the season. The marketplace is very crowded this time of year, and it’s hard to get theater chains to give up screens for something small like this.

That’s a good point — but it was also 100 percent foreseeable. They could have known that (and should have known that) months ago, when they acquired the film. The holiday season didn’t exactly sneak up on us this year. It was on the calendar.

Anyway, they are doing three free promotional screenings in theaters, one in Salt Lake City on Monday, one in Los Angeles on Tuesday, and one in New York City on Thursday. The details are at the film’s website. I do believe cast members will be on hand at all the screenings.

(By the way, I can see from the picture on the film’s website that I’m quoted on the DVD cover, but I can’t quite make out who it says I write for. It should say “Eric D. Snider, eFilmCritic.com,” but the text looks a few letters longer than that. Can anyone else make it out?)

Several of my Utah-based friends are involved in something called Sack Lunch TV, whose output so far is three amusing sketches that have been filmed and uploaded to the Interwebs, where you can view them.

The sketches are called “Humble Pie,” “The Man Date,” and “Cheesebigot.” I think all three of them are funny, albeit in varying degrees.

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If you find yourself near Provo, Utah, tonight, do not despair! There is still a reason to live. That reason is the Thrillionaires Improv Theatre, performing at 8:15 p.m. tonight at the Velour Live Music Gallery, 135 N. University Ave. Admission is $5 at the door.

The theme this time is “French Foreign Film,” which causes one to wonder what other kinds of French films there are besides foreign ones. The Thrillionaires’ usual plan is to do a 45-minute improvised play in the chosen style, take a break, then do a 30-minute improvised musical in the same style. I’ve seen the group twice and have been delighted by their skill for merrymaking. And I’ve seen most of the individual actors perform dozens of times in other venues, and they usually make me laugh until I cry great teardrops of laugh-tears. So I heartily recommend tonight’s Thrillionaires show, is what I’m saying.

Chris Clark stars in “Stalking Santa.” Barely visible in the passenger seat is Daryn Tufts, who wrote the film and also appears in it.

Two months ago I mentioned a movie called “Stalking Santa,” a mockumentary about a man seeking to prove the existence of Kris Kringle. It was made by some friends of mine (and some people I don’t know) in Utah, and it’s gotten rave reviews at the film festivals it’s played at. But it still had no firm release date, nor even a distributor — tragic, when you consider “Wild Hogs” had a release date and a distributor before it was even made.

Now I bring you two bits of information:

1) The film has been picked up by Excel Entertainment and will be released in theaters in time for the holiday season. Excel has almost exclusively done Mormon-themed movies so far, so this will be a departure for them, as “Stalking Santa” has no Utah or Mormon content. Hopefully they don’t chicken out and only market the film in Utah just because that’s what they’re used to.

2) You can see the movie this weekend at the Utah Family Film Festival, being held at University Mall Cinemas in Orem. It’s screening Thursday at 5 p.m., Friday at 7:10 p.m., and Saturday at 6:10 p.m. Cast members will be in attendance each time to answer questions and stuff. Tickets are $5 if you buy them online ($6 at the door), which means it’s cheaper to see it now than it will be when it’s released in theaters later this year.

I don’t know much about the rest of the fledgling festival. The lineup of films looks reasonable, with more than just Utah-made films on the list. The schedule includes special screenings of “The Goonies” and “Napoleon Dynamite,” too, so that’s cool. If you find yourself in Utah Valley this weekend, maybe you should check it out.

I found myself in Provo, Utah, on Monday, and I went to see a performance by the Thrillionaires, an improv group started last year by some of my friends. It was the second show of theirs I’d seen, and I continue to be astounded at their level of talent.

It’s not just improv comedy, you see. Most of the performers are ComedySportz veterans, or alumni of other comic organizations, and they’ve mastered the improvisation skills. With the Thrillionaires, they take it to another level.

Usually the first half of the show is a 40-minute improvised play in a particular style. Past themes have included Oscar Wilde, Tennessee Williams, and film noir. This week it was John Steinbeck: dusty, impoverished people working on ranches in the 1930s, that sort of thing. The Thrillionaires’ on-the-spot creation was hilarious, multi-layered, and even a little touching.

In the second half of the show, they often do a musical. Improvising a musical is hard enough, and they tend to make it even more rigorous

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