Ben wakes Katz up in the middle of the night, claiming to hear a noise. Katz hears it too, and they both think they're being burglarized. After first trying to scare off the burglar ("I'm sure glad they haven't outlawed semi-automatic weapons in the city yet!"), they give up ("Help yourself, take whatever you want, just lock up when you're done"). Turns out the burglar doesn't get in, but Katz and Ben over-react -- oddly, this time it's Katz who over-reacts more. They get new locks and bars on the windows, and Ben wants a hamster. Katz tells Julie and Stan that a home is burglarized every 15 minutes, and that he can't believe he called 911 and was told he had the wrong number. (Stan: "Did you dial N-I-N-E-one-one?" Katz: "OK, you win, you're the stupidest guy in the bar.") Katz suggests a lower peephole, in case the burglar is a midget. Why? Because every horror movie he's seen has an evil midget in it. (Movies mentioned: "Midget Killers," "I'm Small and You're Dead," "Too Small to Let You Live," "If You Lift Me up Again I'll Kill You," "Look Down -- Now You're Dead.") They finally get over it.

• Lew Schneider: Talks about his three kids; you love the second one "almost as much" as the first one; "you hope the third one's easy to clean"; hates his grandmother "because she's old and uninteresting to me"; you have to treat her like a rhino: "stay upwind, because if she smells you, she will charge"; yawned at lunch, so he had to pretend that's how he talked; admires the sixth-grader who had sex with his teacher.
• David Cross: Wants to start Dave's Classy Pizza: for an extra $50, you get it delivered in a limo ("It's Limo Fresh!" is the motto); there's a nine-panel depiction of a magic act in the Seattle airport ("Magic is already boring, live"); wonders if you grabbed onto Jesus' leg when he was ascending into heaven, could you have gone with him; also wonders what if Jesus had your house keys when he ascended.