New Rock Band: Jew-2
Lake Elsinore News #33
"New Rock Band: Jew-2"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Lake Elsinore News on March 6, 1991
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: The following column contains such controversial terms as "jew" (in the context of "Wandering jew," a spiny-leafed green plant), and "bisexual" (in the context of Elton John). If you are a Sensitive Reader, we suggest you proceed with caution, because you never know when one of those words might (BISEXUAL!) come up. Thank (JEW!) you.
You will be pleased to know that I am now in a band, called "Eccentric Eric and the Wandering Jews," after the spiny-leafed green plant of the same name (not the religion. Please. Don't write in). If you would like to know why that title was chosen, too bad, because I'm not going to tell you.
Ha ha! Just a little humor there. Actually, I am going to tell you, because that is my job, and I won't get paid unless I do. The title already existed, even before we became a band, only it did not include the "Eccentric Eric" part. It just referred to four of my acquaintances (named, from tallest to shortest, Mike, Tim, Aaron, and Ryan) who one day decided that if they were going to be an official, respectable group of friends, they would naturally have to name themselves after a plant. "Tradescantia fluminensis" (the botanical name) didn't have quite the right ring to it, so they went with "Wandering jews" instead.
The Wandering jews soon became a mutually exclusive bunch of merry men, limiting their numbers to only four. That is why the name of our band is "Eccentric Eric and the Wandering Jews" and not just "The Wandering Jews": I am not an official "jew" and therefore cannot call myself one in any sense of the word for reasons centering around the facts that 1) I am a Christian, and 2) I am not a plant.
At any rate, the five of us are now a band, and we will undoubtedly become the Menudo of the '90s, if only we can overcome our minor problems, such as:
1) Aaron, the bass player, cannot, in a physical sense, actually play the bass.
2) Mike and Ryan can both play the drums, but no band needs two drummers, so we suspect that Mike and Ryan may wind up attempting to kill one another, which, if we get it on film, will make for some amusing footage when it comes time to make a video.
3) Tim plays the guitar quite adequately, but his hair, which he let grow for the sole purpose of being in a band, sometimes gets caught in the strings and the fire department has to come in with the Jaws of Life to get him loose, but only if we can get the 911 pesons to believe us. ("You say your friend's hair is stuck in a guitar?")
But other than these minor difficulties, we're a perfectly normal band, except that we've never actually played a song together. We do have one planned, though. I wrote it, and I think we've all been practicing our parts individually. I know I have. My part involves playing the piano and singing, and, thanks, to the wonders of modern technology, I won't have to do them at the same time, or even correctly. I could (and frequently do) sing like a dying chihuahua in heat and play like a blind man with no fingers, but if I turn a few knobs on the recorder, I'll sound like Elton John, only not nearly as bisexual.
We do have every intention of playing the song together sometime, but as of so far, we don't have anyplace to practice. My house is out of the question because it would mean the other guys would have to actually meet my family, an experience from whence no one has ever returned without a severe facial tic and major hair loss.
(A recent family incident: We were eating a nice Sunday dinner and enjoying a peaceful silence when my 8-year-old sister -- the one who is so cute and small and delicate and precious that we have nicknamed her "Bunny" -- emitted a belch that would make a drunkard stand up and applaud. The next night, we all went out to Sizzler, which, as fate would have it, is where Aaron the Bass Player works, only he was off that night, which made me a much more religious person, if you get my drift. I just thought I'd share that with you.)
Anyway, if you would like to donate the use of your home, we would greatly appreciate it, and we might even give it back when we're through.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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