Eric D. Snider

Some Friend You Are

The Garrens Comedy Troupe:

"Some Friend You Are"

by Eric D. Snider

Originally performed by The Garrens Comedy Troupe on October 25, 1996

CAST:
DEREK: Eric D. Snider
JED: Aaron Johnston
TIFFANY: Lisa Valentine Clark

(Lights up on, as usual, an apartment where guys live. DEREK is on the phone, receiving distressing news.)

DEREK:
Really... Yeah... Well, is she going to be OK?... Uh-huh. Uh-huh.... Medication... Uh-huh. Can I do anything to help out? Should I come home? ... You're sure? ... OK, but just say the word and I'll be on the next flight.... Yeah, OK, Dad, thanks for calling. Tell Mom I hope she gets well soon. Bye. (hangs up. He is very "bummed out," as they say, about the news he has just received.)

(JED enters, also a little down in the dumps, only his minor depression is more comical, while DEREK's is realistic.)

JED:
Hi.
DEREK:
Hi. I'm glad you're home. (doesn't say anything yet, but it is clear that he is having turmoil and needs someone to talk to) (but he is still extremely masculine and manly, as are all the male characters in this sketch)
JED:
You know, Tiffany is so wonderful. I am just so lucky to be going out with her. I just wish things were going better. So how was your evening? (he asks it, but he doesn't really mean it)
DEREK:
Well, not too good. I got some bad news. My dad called, and he said my mom is very sick, and the doctors think she'll be OK, but it's very stressful for the family to have the mother sick and in bed, and so it's really a tough time for my family. I wish I could be there ...
JED:
Yeah, that's too bad. Tiffany had a very similar problem with her dad not long ago. Oh, this was terrible. See, Tiffany wanted a new car, and so to surprise her, her dad went out and bought her a brand-new, 1997 Geo Metro. Well, it turns out, Tiffany didn't want a Geo Metro. She wanted a Geo Sprint. And so there was an argument, and she didn't speak to her dad for like a day. It was a strain on our relationship, too. Oh, that was tough. (he seems to be expecting a great deal of sympathy from DEREK.)
DEREK:
My mom and I have always been very close--
JED:
I'm glad you waited up for me, because I was hoping to be able to talk to you. We're having problems, Tiffany and I.
DEREK:
(decides to be a good friend and listen) What is it?
JED:
Well, we went out to eat tonight, and we had finished dinner, and I thought I might like some dessert. So I ordered some, but then I find out that Tiffany doesn't want anything else. She's full. But I had already ordered mine! So she was stuck there with nothing to do while I ate my dessert. It was so awkward. (he is devastated about this) I should just break up with her, because it's not going to work out if I keep screwing up like this. She is a goddess full of majesty and beauty, and I'm not worthy to be her lowest servant. (he is at a loss for words)
DEREK:
Well, don't break up with her. It'll work out. She likes you a lot, I can tell. Stick with it.
JED:
You really think so?
DEREK:
Yes!
JED:
(cheering up some) You're such a good friend! Thanks a lot.
DEREK:
No problem. You know, this thing with my mom has really got me worried.
JED:
Yeah?
DEREK:
Yeah. (pause)
JED:
You know, the other thing that happened tonight that got her upset with me was that tonight was our 7-week anniversary, and I completely forgot about it. Totally slipped my mind. I can't believe how insensitive I am sometimes! I need to send her flowers or something to make it up to her.
DEREK:
(wasn't particularly listening to this last bit of trivia) Do you think I should fly home?
JED:
(disgusted) It's all about you, isn't it? That's all that matters, is YOU and YOUR problems. Well what about me, huh?! What about my problems?! You're not the only one with troubles! I have been under so much stress lately with school and work and Tiffany. I have my three P.E. classes and my ceramics class burdening me, and then tonight I forget our 7-week anniversary. Do you have any idea how difficult my life is? Of course not, because you never think of anyone but yourself!
DEREK:
(can't believe this is happening) What about my mom?
JED:
(he is ranting now, pretty much in tears) Your mom? What about your mom?!? Do you know that Tiffany -- oh my gosh -- Tiffany has had a bunion on her foot for two weeks. She has seen doctors, and she has put medicated pads on it, but it still will not go away. Do you have any idea what kind of stress that causes for the both of us?! No, of course not. Because it's all about YOU! YOU'RE the only one that matters!! (sits down and sobs)

(DEREK is at a loss. A knock comes at the door. DEREK opens it. It's TIFFANY, a gorgeous blonde huge-chested woman.)

TIFFANY:
(coming in) Hi, Derek. Where's-- (sees JED and rushes over) oh, my goodness, sweetie pie, what's wrong?
JED:
Oh, sugar, I need some good lovin'.
TIFFANY:
(cheesily sympathetic) Oh, sweet baby! What's the matter?
JED:
Oh, I'm just a wreck with everything that's going on!
TIFFANY:
(still very dumb and cheesy) Isn't your friend Derek taking care of you? (looks pouty at DEREK, who is bewildered) Come on, let's go to my house and I'll fix you all better.
JED:
We'll take my car so you don't have to drive that awful Metro.
TIFFANY:
Thank you, honey-bunny. (as they prepare to exit, she looks back at DEREK) Some friend YOU are.

(DEREK stomps on her bunion foot. She whimpers, "My bunion!" and she and JED exit. Lights down.)

Stumble It!

Notes:

This sketch is the closest thing to real life I ever wrote for the Garrens, I think. My roommate Jeremiah was the basis for Jed, and my friendship with him is very accurately represented here.

Though we only performed this once, it was always one of my favorite sketches. It was the only Garrens sketch Aaron Johnston and I ever worked closely together in (though we later appeared in a production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" together); it was probably the only sketch we COULD have worked together in. He's so off-the-wall and physical and crazy, whereas my style tended to be more low-key and cynical. In this sketch, that combination worked perfectly; I don't know if it would have in any other sketches.

I had been looking for an excuse to use the line "Oh sugar, I need some good lovin'" for quite some time.

The ending, where Derek stomps on Tiffany's bunionous foot, was devised in rehearsal. As with so many Garrens sketches, this one didn't have a good ending written in, so it became the task of the entire cast to come up with something good. I don't remember whose idea it was for me to stomp on Lisa's foot, but it worked, so I'm grateful to him or her.

Parts of this sketch popped up later in a "Snide Remarks" column -- this one, to be specific.

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