The General Authorities Song (5th version)
The Garrens Comedy Troupe:
"The General Authorities Song (5th version)"
by Eric D. Snider
Originally performed by The Garrens Comedy Troupe on October 3, 1998
SINGER/PIANIST: Eric D. Snider
There's Gordon Hinckley, Thomas Monson,
James E. Faust and Eugene Hansen,
Spencer Condie, F. Burton Howard,
Loren Dunn, M. Russell Ballard,
Dean L. Larson, Cree-L Kofford,
David Haight and John H. Groberg,
Richard Maynes, Carl Pratt,
Carlos Amado's one cool cat,
Cecil Samuelson, Ronald Poelman,
Claudio Costa, Gary Coleman,
Merrill Oaks and Dallin Oaks,
Boyd K. Packer don't tell no jokes,
Porter, Bruce and Porter, Aldin,
Marlin K. and Jay E. Jensen,
Dallas Archibald, Lee Tobler,
Harold Hillam and William Kerr,
Keith McMullin, Ned B. Roueche,
Yoshihiko Kukichi,
Dennis Simmons, Eran Call,
L. Tom Perry's really tall.
Ben B. Banks and Robert Hales,
Jeffrey Holland never fails,
John J. Carmack, Sheldon Child,
Vaughn J. Featherstone is mild,
Athos Amorim, James O. Mason,
Angel Abrea, Russell Nelson,
E. Ray Bateman, Merrill Bateman,
Glen L. Pace is a great man,
Enzio Busche, John B. Dickson,
William Bradford, Lance B. Wickman,
John M. Madsen, Ray H. Wood,
David Burton's really good.
Alexander Morrison,
David E. Sorensen,
Joe J. Christensen,
Andrew W. Peterson,
Val R. Christensen,
Ronald T. Halverson,
Earl M. Monson,
Then D. Todd Christofferson,
Neil Anderson, Neal Maxwell,
Dieter Uchtdorf knows his facts well,
Gene R. Cook and Richard Cook,
Richard Allred, Quentin Cook.
Then there's Dennis B. Neuenschwander,
Whatever your name is, his is longer,
Joseph Wirthlin, Richard Wirthlin,
Who's the Apostle? Well, the first one,
Donald Staheli, Steven West,
Richard Edgley, he's the best,
Jack H. Goaslind, Monte Brough,
Lionel Kendrick's hangin' tough,
Lynn A. Mickelson, Craig Zwick,
Charles Didier's hair is slick,
Henry Eyring, Richard Scott,
They're Apostles; you are not,
Gordon Watts and Bruce C. Hafen,
Kenneth Johnson has me ravin',
Don Ladd is very regal,
Francisco Viñas es mi amigo,
Robert K. Dellenbach,
Duane Gerard and Wayne Hancock,
Rex D. Pinegar, J. Kent Jolley,
I'll change keys now just to stall-y.
Bryan Richards, Dale Miller,
When he speaks there is no filler,
James M. Paramore, Richard Turley,
Always friendly; never surly,
Melvin Hammond, Edward Brown,
Lynn G. Robbins goes to town,
Jerald Taylor, Earl Tingey,
Boy this song is fun to sing-y,
Hugh Pinnock, Robert Whetten,
Silly now this song is gettin',
Give 'em a hand now if you please,
Those are the general authorities!
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Notes:
(See COMMENTS & REACTION after "The General Authorities Song" (original version) for more details.)
Since I had officially quit the Garrens back in September 1997, I didn't have much occasion to do this song anymore, and even less reason to update it with any frequency. Consequently, I'm not even sure when this version was written -- it was either after the October 1997 conference, or after April 1998. In any case, it wasn't performed at a Garrens show until October 1998, when I returned for a three-week run as a performer and writer.
Prior to that, though, in August, I visited a friend who had a very expensive recording studio. It was there that "The General Authorities Song" was finally recorded, and it was this version (then the current one) that we used on the "Snide Remarks: The Album" CD.
I really enjoy the "James M. Paramore, Richard Turley/Always friendly, never surly" line, by the way.