Eric D. Snider

The General Authorities Song (Original Version)

The Garrens Comedy Troupe:

"The General Authorities Song (Original Version)"

by Eric D. Snider

Originally performed by The Garrens Comedy Troupe on February 6, 1996


There's Gordon Hinckley, Thomas Monson,
James E. Faust and Eugene Hansen,
Richard Clarke, F. Burton Howard,
Loren Dunn, M. Russell Ballard,

Dean L. Larsen, Kree-L Kofford,
David Haight and John H. Groberg,
Carlos Amado, Carlos Asay,
John E. Fowler, Glenn L. Pace,

L. Tom Perry, Ronald Poelman,
Claudio Costa, Gary Coleman,
Spencer Condie, Dallin Oaks,
Boyd K. Packer don't tell no jokes,

Porter, Bruce and Porter, Aldin,
Marlin K. and Jay E. Jensen,
Dallas Archibald, Dallas Merrell,
Graham Doxey and Hillam, Harold,

In Sang Han and Kwok Yuen Tai,
Yoshihiko Kikuchi,
Sam K. Shimabukuro,
Samuelson (that's Cecil O.),

Ben B. Banks and Robert Hales,
Jeffrey Holland never fails,
John J. Carmack, Henry Eyring,
Vaughn J. Featherstone's inspiring,

Julio Davila, James O. Mason,
Angel Abrea, Russell Nelson,
David Burton, Merrill Bateman,
Mack Lawrence is a great man,

Enzio Busche, John B. Dickson,
William Bradford, Lance B. Wickman,
John M. Madsen, Augusto Lin,
Then D. Todd Christofferson,

Alexander Morrison,
David E. Sorensen,
Joe J. Christensen,
Andrew W. Peterson,

Neil Anderson, Neal Maxwell,
Dieter Uchtdorf knows his facts well,
Robert K. Dellenbach,
Melvin Hammond, Gene R. Cook,

Then there's Dennis B. Neuenschwander --
Whatever your name is, his is longer --
Joseph Wirthlin, Richard Scott,
They're Apostles; you are not,

Rex D. Pinegar, David Stanley,
Richard Edgley sure is manly,
Jack H. Goaslind, Monte Brough,
Lionel Kendrick's hangin' tough,

Lynn A. Mickelsen, Craig Zwick,
Charles Didier's hair is slick,
Lowell Wood and Joseph Muren,
Earl Tingey, Keith McMullin,

Lino Alvarez, Rulon Craven,
Kenneth Johnson has me ravin',
Don Ladd and Stephen Nadauld,
Jorge Rojas es muy bueno,

Hugh Pinnock, Robert Wells,
James Paramore, Max Caldwell,
Give 'em a hand now, if you please,
These are the General Authorities!

Stumble It!


I wrote this in about a half-hour after accidentally realizing that "Maxwell" and "facts well" rhyme. I've always liked the idea of songs about specific people (I once wrote one about famed LDS scholar Hugh Nibley that I never performed anywhere), and I also like songs that are nothing but huge lists (Tom Lehrer sang all the chemical elements in a similar fashion, and the Animaniacs have sung the state capitals, nations of the world, and various others).

This is perhaps the most impressive song I've written, simply because it's extremely fast and neat-sounding, but it's really not all that great from a technical standpoint. The music is simple -- a basic three-chord, bouncy little thing -- and I didn't have to do much with the words besides putting the names together that already rhymed. But it's always been a crowd-pleaser -- it got a standing ovation at its premiere -- and I've updated it after each General Conference.

The lines "Lowell Wood and Joseph Muren / Earl Tingey, Keith McMullin" were originally "Lowell Wood and Joseph Muren / Earl Tingey's talks are stirrin'." Just a few weeks after the initial performance of the song, though, Keith McMullin was called to be a General Authority -- before Conference -- and so I added him in time for the next time I did the song.

And by the way, you really do have to hear it sung for it to be funny. Just reading the words doesn't do it justice.

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