NARRATOR: Eric Phillips
MALCOLM: Eric D. Snider
COLE: Randy Tayler
GUY1: Stephen McCuen
GUY2: Marc Monson
FATHER: Mark Berrett
MOTHER: Krissy Polson
GUY3: Eric Phillips
WIFE: Jjana Valentiner Morrill / Krissy Polson
NARRATOR:
You saw "The Sixth Sense" and were shocked and terrified. Now prepare for the sequel: "The Sixth Sense II: The Seventh Sense."
(Lights up on hospital room. COLE is in bed. MALCOLM, dressed -- always -- in a suit and tie, stands next to him.)
MALCOLM:
Cole, I want to help you with whatever is wrong.
COLE:
I'm ready to tell you my secret now.
MALCOLM:
OK.
COLE:
I see gay people.
MALCOLM:
You mean on TV, or in the movies?
COLE:
No, walking around. Sometimes they don't know they're gay.
MALCOLM:
When do you see them?
COLE:
All the time. But especially in the HFAC.
MALCOLM:
What happens when you see them? Do they hurt you?
COLE:
No. Sometimes they want me to listen to a Pet Shop Boys CD with them. Other times, they want me to help them bleach their hair.
(Scene changes as NARRATOR speaks.)
NARRATOR:
A young boy, frightened by a strange power he doesn't understand.
(MALCOLM and COLE on city street. GUY1 stands with FRIENDS off to one side. COLE tenses up.)
MALCOLM:
What? What is it? Do you see one?
COLE:
Yes. Over there. (points at GUY1)
MALCOLM:
Who? That guy? But he's a football player.
COLE:
I know. Sometimes they don't know they're gay.
MALCOLM:
But how can you tell?
COLE:
Look at his belt.
MALCOLM:
What about it?
COLE:
It's brown.
MALCOLM:
Yeah?
COLE:
So are his shoes. His belt matches his shoes.
MALCOLM:
Well, but still --
COLE:
And look at his shirt.
(GUY1 turns around. He's wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch shirt, and an A&F hat, too, if we can afford one.)
COLE:
Make them go away.
MALCOLM:
I'm workin' on that. Why do you think you can see them?
COLE:
I don't know.
MALCOLM:
Maybe they need your help with something.
(Scene changes as NARRATOR speaks.)
NARRATOR:
Bruce Willis and that kid from "Sixth Sense" star in a film critics are calling "the next 'In and Out.'"
(COLE's house, late at night. He's frightened by a noise. Enter GUY2, dressed quite like a gay person.)
COLE:
D-do you have something to tell me?
GUY2:
(gaily) Yes.
(Scene changes as NARRATOR speaks.)
NARRATOR:
"Two snaps up!" say Siskel and Ebert.
(COLE and MALCOLM walk up to a house.)
MALCOLM:
You're sure this is where he said to go?
COLE:
Yes.
(They ring doorbell. A man -- the FATHER of GUY2 -- answers.)
FATHER:
Yes?
COLE:
Are you Chad's father?
FATHER:
Yes.
COLE:
He wanted you to have this. (hands him a packet of photographs)
FATHER:
Photos? Why--? (begins to look through them) Here's Chad as a little boy. His friends are outside playing baseball ... while his mother's making him stay in and practice the violin. (Gets more and more outraged as he goes through the photos) And here's him and his mom making cookies together ... and shopping together ... and watching "The Sound of Music" together!
(MOTHER enters.)
FATHER:
(turns on her) You did this to him!
(Exeunt all but MALCOLM and COLE, back on the street.)
MALCOLM:
So now you know that they don't want to hurt you. They just need you to help them with things.
COLE:
Yeah. It's OK now.
(GUY3, another obvious flamer, approaches COLE and whispers something to him.)
COLE:
The Barnes & Noble? Oh, it's just up the street.
GUY3:
(whispers something else)
COLE:
Oh, yeah, I'm sure they're hiring.
(Exit GUY3.)
MALCOLM:
So I guess I'll see you around. Take care of yourself.
COLE:
Yeah. Thank you. Oh, Dr. Crowe: Try talking to your wife while she's asleep. Then she won't even know she's listening, and she'll hear you.
MALCOLM:
OK. Thanks.
(Both exit. Enter WIFE, asleep on the couch. MALCOLM enters quietly.)
WIFE:
(mumbling in her sleep) Oh, Malcolm, I miss you.
MALCOLM:
I miss you, too.
WIFE:
Why'd you have to leave me?
MALCOLM:
I didn't leave you. I-- (he is terrified by something. He jumps back.)
COLE'S VOICE:
(spooky voice-over) I see gay people. Sometimes they don't know they're gay.
(MALCOLM falls back against a wall, in shock. Quickly unbuttons suit coat and removes it, then takes his belt off and holds it up: it's brown. He takes off a shoe and holds it in his other hand: it's also brown. He tears off his tie and unbottons his shirt. Underneath: an Abercrombie&Fitch T-shirt.)
MALCOLM:
(gaily) Nooooooo!!!!!!
NARRATOR:
"The Sixth Sense II: The Seventh Sense." Coming soon to a theater near you.
(Lights down.)
Copyright © Eric
D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other
way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Comments & Reaction:
Probably the most popular new sketch of the Fall 1999 season, this marked my re-entry into the Garrens as a director and writer. I also had to perform, which I hadn't intended on doing in this sketch, due to the lack of men we had in my cast at the moment (plus I kinda look like Bruce Willis, at least in the hair department).
I can't remember exactly how I thought of this sketch, except that I heard someone talking about "gaydar," a phenomenon whereby gay people can spot other gay people. The idea of being able to pick a gay man out of a crowd reminded me of Cole's unique ability in "The Sixth Sense" (which was quite popular at the time of this sketch), and I guess I went from there.
We needed two Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirts: one for GUY1 and one for MALCOLM. A&F shirts run about $35 apiece, too, so I knew buying two of them was out of the question. (No joke is worth $70, even if it's a funny one.) So I bought two shirts, used them in the shows with the tags still on, then returned them to the store afterwards. I did the same thing when the sketch was performed Dec. 3 and 4, 1999, in the "Best of the Garrens" show. I bet "Saturday Night Live" doesn't do things like that.
One thing we did spend a few dollars on was white shirts. For the "Best of..." show, in which we did six performances, I bought six used shirts at a thrift store so that I could rip it off each time to reveal the A&F T-shirt underneath. In the very first performance, I just unbuttoned it, but I felt that was too slow, so I ripped it off, buttons popping off everywhere, after that. It was fun.
In the final performances of the sketch at the "Best of the Garrens" show, there was some ad-libbing. When Eric Phillips came onstage as GUY3, he whispered in Randy's ear like normal, only he licked Randy's ear as he did it. In the final show, seeking revenge, Randy let Eric whisper in his ear then ad-libbed, "I think your nails look fine." Eric whispered again, and Randy said, "No, I don't think your hands are too masculine." Eric whispered one last time, and Randy said, "No, I'm sure Barnes & Noble will hire you." This got the biggest laugh the Barnes & Noble line had ever gotten, and simultaneously allowed Randy to make fun of Eric's small, girlish hands -- a joke amongst the Garrens for several weeks, ever since I wrote a "Snide Remarks" column about them.
Some people were offended by the sketch, of course, since it acknowledges the fact that gay people exist -- and, what's worse, that they're at BYU. But note that there is not a single reference to sex, nor is it even implied that any of the "gay" characters in the sketch are actual practicing homosexuals. It's all stereotypes. When Cole says he sees them "especially in the HFAC," he's referring to BYU's Harris Fine Arts Center, the building in which you find theater majors. Theater people, stereotypically, are gay -- and that's why that line consistently got the biggest laugh of the entire sketch (well, "I see gay people" was always huge, too, the first few times we did it). So if the sketch was offensive to anyone, it was only because real life is offensive. At no point does the sketch advocate a gay lifestyle, so people needn't be bothered that we were somehow doing "alternative comedy" here. The fact is, it was a darn funny sketch, period, end of discussion.