Eric D. Snider

The Titanic Song

The Garrens Comedy Troupe:

"The Titanic Song"

by Eric D. Snider

Originally performed by The Garrens Comedy Troupe on September 18, 1998

CAST:
SUNG BY: Eric D. Snider
LEO: Joel Bishop/Adam Boulter
KATE: Lauren Keller
CAPTAIN/CELINE DION/MISC.: Mark Berrett
CAL/ICEBERG/MISC.: Lincoln Hoppe
OCARINA PLAYER/MISC.: Joel R. Wallin

I saw "Titanic," that big-budget chick flick
I admit, it wasn't that dumb.
When the film was over and I went to stand up
That's when I learned my butt was numb.

Three hours --
My legs have lost power!
I believe that this movie's too long.
A watery grave,
When it was done I had to shave.
I was stuck in this film
And this film just goes on and on.

The movie's getting sadder as there's discomfort in my bladder
All this talk of "water" isn't good.
The captain's brave and deadpan, while I need a bedpan.
I had three Cokes; that's more than I should.

Jack says that he loves Rose, so she takes off her clothes
It's OK -- it's PG-13.
I guess it's not a factor that Leo's a lousy actor,
His talents aren't the focus of that scene. (spoken: If you catch my drift.)

Kate Winslet
For an Oscar was nominated
Just because her clothes didn't stay on.
Kate's a 'ho
For DiCaprio
There's no morals in this movie --
And this film goes on and on.

(instrumental, during which the ocarina player goes insane and is shot)

Get my gun --
It's Celine Dion!
Her dang song makes this movie too long.
She wails, she shrieks,
My ears ring for weeks,
Her song's just like the movie --
They both just go on and on.

Stumble It!

Notes:

I wrote this in April 1998 and performed it here and there for a few friends. I wasn't in the Garrens anymore by that time, but I submitted it to them for their possible use. However, they were nearing the end of their performing season -- and the last show was to be all-improvisation, which left no place for this song.

So it sat around all summer, until September, when I had been hired back (briefly) as a writer for the Garrens. I re-submitted the song, this time with an added bonus: While visiting a music-industry friend in Texas, we had recorded this song, complete with me singing it (as well as an instrumental track to be used in live performance) and burned it onto a CD. The instrumentation and engineering by my friend, Ryan States, was excellent -- our version sounded just like Celine Dion's, except that we picked up the tempo quite a bit (and added an extra verse, beginning with "Jack says that he loves Rose").

I had assumed Lisa Valentine Clark, Garren extraordinaire, would sing it. But she was casting the Garrens' season premiere and decided it would be better if it were sung from a male perspective -- i.e., mine. So I was coerced into singing the song at the show September 18, 25, and October 2.

While I was standing to one side singing, there was much mayhem going on center stage. Basically, the entire movie was acted out in four minutes. Memorable parts of the film were depicted silently and quickly by the cast members: Kate and Leo steaming up the window (they held a piece of Plexiglass, breathed on it, and smeared their faces on it); the infamous nude-sketching scene; the band playing nobly as the ship sinks; Cal running around trying to shoot everyone; Picasso paintings being carried onboard (it was actually one of those 3-D "Magic Eye" posters); and finally, Celine Dion herself (played ably by Mark Berrett), looking and behaving much the way she does in the video for her song, until we shoot her. (Many Garrens sketches and songs featured shooting. We found it very funny.)

Two interesting notes about our performance: When Lincoln dressed up like an iceberg, he put on a white sheet and a white pointy cap. OK, right? Yeah, except to all of us, he looked like a Klansman. Second, we had a posterboard version of the ship itself, which two cast members carried across at the beginning to establish the setting. The propeller of this replica was meant to look like a simple propeller -- but it looked like a swastika. I believe both of these were unintentional, and I doubt the audience even noticed them. But the cast members sure did, and we had quite a laugh about it.

Of course this was not my first foray into "Titanic"-bashing. Read my "Clash of the Titanic" column for plenty more where this came from.

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