2012
Movie Review
"2012"
Review by Eric D. Snider
Grade: C+
Rating: PG-13
Released: Friday, November 13, 2009
Directed by:
Cast:
In 2004, Roland Emmerich, having already depicted the destruction of large parts of the world at the hands of aliens ("Independence Day") and Godzilla ("Godzilla"), upped the ante by introducing a new villain: the weather. "The Day After Tomorrow" was less fun and, if such a thing is possible, less believable than his previous efforts, but now Emmercih (after detouring into prehistoric idiocy with "10,000 B.C.") has chosen to double down on the Mother-Nature-as-terrorist angle with "2012," a very long, very loud, and very stupid disaster flick that apparently accomplishes what it set out to do, which was to be long, loud, and stupid.
In the unlikely event that you are interested, here's the basic story. The ancient Mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012 (no they didn't, actually, but OK), and now modern science has determined that, son of a bee, they were right. Solar flares sending a surplus of neutrinos earthward are to blame; "The neutrinos are causing a physical reaction!" is typical of the scientific mumbo-jumbo deployed in Emmerich's screenplay (co-written with Harald Kloser). These ambitious neutrinos will cause the Earth's crust to become unstable, leading the tectonic plates to shift around willy-nilly, which will be bad news for everyone except surfers.
The scientist whose job is to breathlessly tell the president what's going on -- ideally by interrupting an important meeting of some kind -- is Dr. Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Through a wormy adviser named Anheuser (Oliver Platt), Adrian gets the ear of Pres. Wilson (Danny Glover), who, like many disaster-movie presidents, is noble and decent and African American. Wilson secretly informs the other world leaders -- well, the important ones, anyway; screw you, India! -- about the impending danger. Top-secret plans are made to prepare for the disaster. One key elements of the plan: whatever you do, don't warn the people! You'll just create panic.
Among the unwarned is Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a failed novelist and divorced father who drives a limousine for a Russian billionaire living in Los Angeles. While vacationing with his two children in Yellowstone -- which they drive to, the 20-hour trip passing without comment -- Jackson meets a crazy mountain man named Charlie (Woody Harrelson, not really "acting") who broadcasts his end-of-days conspiracy theories on the radio. Charlie tells Jackson that the end is nigh, and that the government has known for years. Jackson thinks Charlie might be telling the truth after he runs into a heavily protected military installation in the middle of Yellowstone. (And by "heavily protected" I mean there's a chain-link fence that says "keep out," and Jackson and the kids climb over it.) What are these Army guys monitoring out here in the middle of nature?
We're about 45 minutes into the film before things really hit the fan, but when they do hit, they hit hard. Jackson's limousine, apparently as indestructible as a tank but as easily maneuverable as a bicycle, speeds thrillingly through Los Angeles as it's devastated by colossal earthquakes. To watch it, you'd think Jackson and his passengers will be the only survivors. Those passengers, by the way, are his children (Liam James and Morgan Lily), his ex-wife, Kate (Amanda Peet), and her new boyfriend, Gordon (Tom McCarthy). You think it's rough having dinner with your ex and her new guy, imagine having to spend the apocalypse with them.
The thrust of the plot is that various people worldwide are trying to get to a place where it is believed they will be safe from the calamities. As is to be expected from the man who brought us "Independence Day," this will be accomplished through extraordinary coincidences that bring the right characters together at exactly the right time, through imbuing them with unlikely skills ("a couple flight lessons" is all you need to be able to fly a plane!), and through a wanton disregard for the laws of physics.
Along the way there are numerous scenes of awe-inspiring destruction, much of which is genuinely impressive in terms of size and scale. Makers of disaster movies even 10 years ago could only have dreamed of creating this much mayhem so realistically. Emmerich knows how to parcel it out effectively, too. I mean, it's not just the destruction we're talking about. You could pull back to a shot from outer space and show the Earth exploding into trillions of pieces if all you wanted was to destroy something huge. But that would be the equivalent of a stripper taking the stage and immediately ripping all her clothes off. The fun is in the tease: first L.A. goes, then Las Vegas, then other cities, then other countries, one at a time, over and over again -- the stripper in this analogy was bundled up in a lot of clothing when she started -- allowing the audience to savor each new cataclysm.
That kind of thing is fun, sure -- I like watching stuff fall over as much as the next guy -- but for crying out loud, the movie is 2 1/2 hours long. Most other movies aren't that long, and most other movies have actual stories and characters to deal with. A hundred and fifty minutes of senseless mayhem, no matter how slickly produced, gets old after a while, and the plot contrivances required to keep things going become absurdly strained. There isn't a lot in the way of real humor, either, unless you like jokes where a man says to his girlfriend, "I feel like there's something separating us" and instantly an earthquake makes a huge crack appear in the ground between them. Then again, at least the film isn't aggressively obnoxious or irritating, the way such destructo-porn often is in the hands of a Michael Bay or a Brett Ratner.
What is a little annoying, however, is the film's final message, which is that humanity must work together in order to remain truly human. As some survivors have reached safety and close the gates on the stragglers, Adrian asks, "Can we really stand by and watch these people die?" That's funny -- I thought the whole reason this movie existed was so we could stand by and watch people die. Now you're telling us we shouldn't be enjoying it? Or does that not apply to "2012" because, after all, despite the endless devastation, very few individual deaths of individual people were actually shown? Billions of people die in "2012," but mostly just by implication. I guess that lets us be entertained by it guilt-free. If we stand by and watch people die, though: naughty! Cover your eyes when you see a body! Focus only on the buildings!
Grade: C+
Rated PG-13, moderate profanity, one F-word, abundant destruction and devastation, albeit with very little blood
2 hrs., 38 min.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 28 comments
November 12, 2009 at 6:31 pm
I AM TOTALLY INTERESTED! Great review.
November 12, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I just saw a show on the History Channel last night that said the Mayans DID predict the world would end in 2012. If I know anything, it's that TV is always right. Fact check!
November 12, 2009 at 8:30 pm
The Mayan calendar stops at 2012, which is a good enough excuse to make a "let's destroy the world" disaster movie, but I don't think we know if they actually predicted this was when the world would end. Maybe they just ran out of paper?
But really, the hero's name is Jackson Curtis? REALLY? The awesome meter on this would have gone to 11 if they were able to get Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson to play the lead.
Curtis Jackson
is
Jackson Curtis
in
2012
November 12, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I think the Mayans just ran out of good comics for their page-a-day calendars, and so they stopped printing them for years after 2012. If only they had invented Calvin & Hobbes, the calendar would have gone on indefinitely.
Also, didn't this movie come out 2 or 3 years too early? I guess they are trying to jump the gun on all the other 2012-themed disaster movies we've heard about, such as... um,... uh,... never mind.
November 13, 2009 at 12:14 am
Ah, but what good would this movie do us if it were actually released in 2012, since that's when the world ends?
November 13, 2009 at 12:28 am
If the world indeed comes to an end in 2012, I want to be the first to fall through the Earth's crust.
November 13, 2009 at 3:30 am
it wasnt that cheesy, it had great special effects and was entertaining; which is what a movie is supposed to be ENTERTAINING. It doesnt have to be factual, if you want factual go watch a documentry.
November 13, 2009 at 7:53 am
With the vivid analogy of stripping, it makes me think that Eric has been to Southern X-posure a few times.
November 13, 2009 at 10:16 am
If the world indeed comes to an end in 2012, I want to be the first to fall through the Earth's crust.
If this movie had come out in 2012, I probably wouldn't be able to tell if it was a coincidence or actually part of the apocalypse.
November 13, 2009 at 4:54 pm
oh man, dystopian, you're totally right on with this one. these jerks think that movies have to be just like 6th period remedial chemistry, amirite? this is the best movie since tranformers 2. plot and realistic characters are for eggheaded nerds.
November 14, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Aaron,
The very fact that you refered to Transformers 2 as a good movie makes me dismiss you as an idiot. You are, however, correct that Transformers needed a plot and realistic characters.
Good day to you, sir.
Lohengrin
November 14, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Thanks for leaving NYC alone for a change Emmerich. At least that cliche was broken.
November 16, 2009 at 2:31 am
So what happened to the ancient Alien's that were supposed to be part of the plot "The Shining One's" as the early Trailers showed us earlier in the year? This is false advertising on a huge scale, and they get away with it! Shame on you Emmerich you sold out to the PopCorn mind numbing plots once again! Huge wasted opportunity and million of dollars down the drain, although you will not be complaining with your pick up!
November 16, 2009 at 10:48 am
"No man knows the time, He will come like a thief in the night." The alignment of planets will cause an event on the planet we live on-the world. These writers are very shallow, they use the Bible for their inspiration but don't reveal where they get it. Why is it you all fall for this sensational disaster flick deal and then complain & insult it afterwards. You are fully aware of what ticket you are purchasing, duh. About "Aliens", they are simply fallen angels, satans crew. Ask yourself why there has NEVER been a "sighting" outside the earth's atmosphere? Well, when God put satan on the earth, God told him he could not leave the earths' atmosphere. DUH! Everything the "aliens" do are powers satan has, burning eyes, demons standing in your room, flashing lights, appear in wild characteristicts, wow, how powerful. He cannnot leave the earth's atmosphere, he's stuck here and he's fooling all of you. How shallow thinking the human race has become. Read the Bible, Romans 10:9. Revelations the word of God, not Nostradamus. I died,I have been in the presence of God, wonderful, eternal life is real & it's eternal. You will have a relationship with God - Heaven- or no relationship with God - hell, eternally. The only unforgivable sin is rejecting Jesus Christ. 2012 is coming get ready, believe & receive.
November 16, 2009 at 12:07 pm
They could have saved the whole movie if they had just CGI-ed Patrick Swayze onto that last big tsunami.
November 16, 2009 at 1:21 pm
um, wow-comment poster above (14)....you ok??? need to take a break??? is to much for you?
November 16, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I think that the first ones to fall into the Earth's crust should be the movie critics.
"2012" was very entertaining with the best visual effects that I have ever seen, well worth the price I paid.
Curiously enough some of the most well made succesful movies are the ones that receive the worst reviews.
That said,I do recommend this movie, and I grade it as an "A", even if a gigantic tsunami goes after me across the Himalayas for being a one time movie critic.
November 17, 2009 at 12:53 am
The only statement in your boring epilogue that intrigues me is "screw you, India". What are you migrants so angry about?
November 17, 2009 at 8:52 am
So all that's needed to make a movie perfect are special effects? Wow, you're easy, Charles.
November 17, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Awesome movie didnt want to get us to refill my drink
November 17, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I really liked it, and it think it deserved a b- or a b+. Sure it had it's faults, but you didn't mention any good things. There was so many times when the movie almost made me cry, and it made me think about the world ending. Before this movie, I never even believed in the 2012 theory. Not that I do know, but still.... The effects were nice, and there were some moments that were beautiful. It was unrealistic a lot of the times with Jackson being able to drive a car so well that no one in the car with him gets injured. There were a lot of plot twists. I liked it and everyone who saw it with me said it was worth the money. It was a bit long though, but I didn't even feel it.
November 18, 2009 at 12:31 am
I am over 70,and enjoyed the movie. Those effects were special,unusually special ones.Definately exciting!..i did like some of the really touching scenes,and rhe movie aimed for and hit a few righteous living points..The really schmaltzy schmaltz was the last romantic scene with the presidents daughter.. bearable but took it down a note...didnt even mind the length...Frankly Woody and Cusack were fun to be with.The second' s from death car,plane and ark scenes were how it shoud have been for the type of movie it was......I did decide to go to the gym tomorrow..want to be in shape in case i have to run fast in a few years
November 19, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Lohengrin, I see that you are unfamiliar with sarcasm. The internet must be confusing for you.
Or I'm the only one getting my jokes. There's a strong possibility of that.
November 20, 2009 at 2:15 am
The movie was cheesy and predictable, the characters one dimensional stereotypes, but I still found it fun to watch.
(SPOILER) The one part I found surprising/hilarious was when the Russian plane stopped just before going over the cliff, the pilot gave a big sigh of relief, everyone was happy, and then the plane plummeted over the edge and both the plane and pilot went up in flames.
November 21, 2009 at 1:53 am
@Nate: nah, that was just another stereotypical "twist." If that had been a character with enough screen time to survive the movie, but had died in that scene, THEN it would have been surprising.
I was rooting for Cusack's character to die at some point (right at the end, they should have done it!). That would have brought the movie up 2 or 3 notches in my book.
The idiocy of the "neutrino mutation" and the invincible limo that can drive over 12 inch drops and jumps without blowing its tires and ruining the machinery were the main problems I had.
With the first part at least. I tuned out the 2nd half. And the 3rd half.
November 24, 2009 at 9:30 am
The lessons from 2012:
1) Cell phones work no matter what.
2) Satellites fly no matter what.
3) Gas pumps work no matter what.
3) A few hours flying and one can fly anything with air acrobatics.
4) Buy limos they are long but good!
5) Do not worry about earthquake for it is always behind you.
6) Russians can build big things.
7) Russians can fly anything.
8) Buy Bentley - it is good!
9) Never swim toward Everest.
10) Divorce you wife and do not worry if she will mary again.
11) Good American President is always black.
12) There is at least one bad guy in the White House and he is always fat!
13) Save the children!
14) Save those people - they are good!
December 7, 2009 at 11:43 pm
How about this one? 15) Extreme peril will kill exactly one person per scene, with few exceptions. (So make sure you have enough expendable characters to show that yes, this could kill the heroes, but it doesn't.)
December 8, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@aaron
haha