Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Movie Review
"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"
Review by Eric D. Snider
Grade: C-
Rating: PG-13
Released: Friday, May 20, 2011
Directed by:
Cast:
Bleh. Stop it. Just stop it. Don't do this anymore. You're done. You did your movie, and then you absurdly stretched it into a trilogy, and it got all meta-referential when you brought in the guy that Johnny Depp was impersonating to play Jack Sparrow's father, and yes, fine, we all had a good laugh about that. Then it was over. The trilogy ended. We put up with it for as long as we did because we were promised it would ONLY be a trilogy. Then we went on with our lives.
But apparently you didn't, because now you have returned with a FOURTH movie. This was not the arrangement! We have had our fill, thank you. We are satiated. It is as though you left the stage to appreciative but weary applause, waited until the lights had come up and we were filing out the door, then bounded back on to the stage for another encore. "Hey, everyone!" you said cheerfully. "We've got more! Isn't that great? Eh?? Eh??" And we all said, "Ugh, really?" as we trudged back to our seats and began to wonder why we ever liked you in the first place.
Oh, and this one's in 3D? Of course it is. [EXPLETIVE] you, movie. [EXPLETIVE] you right in the [EXPLETIVE].
So this time everybody's looking for the Fountain of Youth. Sure, why not? That seems like something pirates would do. A lady pirate named Angelica (Penelope Cruz), a former lover of Jack Sparrow's, is searching for it, along with her father, the evil and cruel pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Jack doesn't have any particular motivation for getting involved other than a mild interest in helping Angelica, whom he feels guilty for mistreating years ago. (That motivation doesn't come through very clearly in the movie, though. I only knew it because the article in Entertainment Weekly said it.)
Also looking for the F. of Y. is Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), sailing on behalf of England's King George, who is portrayed by Richard Griffiths as a porcine dandy. (To be fair, any character played by Richard Griffiths is bound to come across as a porcine dandy.) Do you remember Barbossa? He used to be a ghost, I think, and he is Jack Sparrow's sworn enemy, probably. It's a pleasure to see Geoffrey Rush in just about anything, but he's wasted here, and given hardly any time to interact with Depp.
The Spanish are also keen on finding the F. of Y., but the movie forgets about them most of the time, remembering them only when it is convenient to do so.
So. What else you got, movie? Lots of sword-fighting and swashbuckling and random supernatural stuff? Just like before, only less enthusiastic this time? Like you're just going through the motions? Yeah. I hear that.
You got rid of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, though! Good for you! They were dead weight. Oh, but I see you've replaced them different dead weight. Hmm. Well, I guess it is important to rotate your dead weight. Now we have a boring missionary named Philip (Sam Claflin), a prisoner on Blackbeard's ship, who falls in love with Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey), who is a mermaid. You'd think a mermaid would almost automatically be interesting, but nope, she's boring, just like her boring missionary boyfriend.
There are mermaids here, by the way, because you can't use the rejuvenating powers of the F. of Y. without a mermaid's tears. DUH.
Also, Blackbeard's ship is run by zombies. That fact doesn't serve any purpose in the story, but I felt like I should mention it because obviously someone went to a lot of trouble to include it.
Ian McShane is a fine choice to play Blackbeard, and he puts his fearsome diction and dark, malevolent eyes to good use at first. But before long, he, too, is swallowed up in the frenzied, mindless action that constitutes the bulk of the film. Rob Marshall ("Chicago," "Nine"), replacing Gore Verbinski as director, doesn't bother with levels. He doesn't do "ups" and "downs." He starts in high gear and stays there -- which, after a while, is the same as being in low gear. It's senseless, dizzying, and exhausting.
And what about our old friend Captain Jack Sparrow? It's astonishing to see how far this character has fallen since he first staggered into our hearts. Now he's just shufflin' through another adventure, slurring perfunctory one-liners like a sitcom character halfheartedly spewing catchphrases. This is the fourth movie; it feels like the twentieth.
Come on, movie. Nobody wants this. Cut it out. Stop now, while you still have a shred of dignity.
(Editor's note: I think this is a review of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides," but it is hard to tell.)
Grade: C-
Rated PG-13, swashbuckling and sword-fighting and a wee bit of innuendo
2 hrs., 17 min.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 17 comments
May 20, 2011 at 6:43 am
This was really hilarious. Laugh of the morning.
May 20, 2011 at 9:43 am
this is your crankiest review yet. who spit in your cheerios??
somehow i don't think this movie deserves better
May 20, 2011 at 9:47 am
Eric, great review. Seems like a bad batch of grog; some pirates, zombies, mermaids, Spanish, can we get a manatee somewhere? Something's wrong when you start missing the infectious personality of Keira Knightley. I am disappointed to hear it's actually this bad, because it should be a fun franchise. With Rob Marshall, it should have had even a little razzle-dazzle. Looks like with regards to theme-park-ride-based films, I will cling to the artistic integrity of The Country Bears instead.
May 20, 2011 at 10:03 am
And this was only a C- review! I was looking for the F by the time I finished reading your delightfully scathing letter to the movie.
So, you're taking this week off from writing Eric's Bad Movies, right? Post a link to this review over at Film.com and it looks like someone just bought themselves some free time!
Well played, Mr. Snider. As always, well played!
May 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Actually, Eric came out with a Bad Movie column yesterday featuring Cutthroat Island. It's at
http://www.film.com/movies/erics-bad-movies-cutthroat-island-1995#fbid=cOmJevhu-AY
May 20, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Fantastic review. As a fan of the first movie who found the other two to be tired spectacle this looks like more of the same, but moreso.
May 21, 2011 at 8:56 pm
This is one of the check-brain-at-door movies and as such, I thought it better than a C-. On the other hand, it was easily twenty minutes too long and I realized that you could randomly cut those twenty minutes and not notice the difference.
On the third hand, I saw the non-3D version on a digital screen and the image was wonderful. The light was even and there was none of that jiggering that I've always hated with film projection (and I was a film major!) The sound levels were also just right and in the jungle scenes, the surround sound mix was done well.
(Plus, as a bonus, we were able to see a double feature: The Zookeeper preview was so long and complete, I see no reason to see the actual film.)
May 22, 2011 at 2:06 am
I think "porcine dandy" is my new favorite catch-phrase-cum-insult.
May 22, 2011 at 2:59 pm
BTW, Eric, you made a possible blunder in your review about Ian McShane. Films are not shot in order. Not only that, but locations are generally shot before sets and interiors (and sometimes intermingled to allow for inclement weather.)
Rather that his performance falling down, I'll wager that McShane was brought in with little clue as to what his character was. In this case, out of shear boredom, he probably started chewing the scenery more and more until you ended up with what you thought was the beginning character.
May 22, 2011 at 6:02 pm
So this movie has nothing to do with Will & Elizabeth's son at all? I knew there would be a 4th movie as soon as the third one ended because of the vignette at the end of the 3rd one, but now that has NOTHING to do with this movie? wtf?
May 23, 2011 at 1:59 am
He's zombified. He's a suitor.
May 23, 2011 at 10:48 am
@Joe, you make a good point about Ian McShane, but I feel like Eric's point was more that the movie didn't really make good use of him, not that his performance got worse as the movie went along.
May 23, 2011 at 10:49 am
Although I suppose it's not my place to say what his point was.
May 23, 2011 at 11:03 am
@Argus Skyhawk, I figured he'd probably already written something for Eric's Bad Movies. (About pirates, even!)
I guess Eric can take next week off, then. But I hope he doesn't!
May 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm
Aw, and I was hoping that dropping the worthless characters (Bloom and Knightley) would improve the movie. Sad day.
May 24, 2011 at 1:37 am
While I definitely feel like the series NEEDED to stop after the first movie, I enjoyed this one more than 2 or 3; I feel like those should just be tossed out - Elizabeth and Will were really boring after movie 1 - and let's just have it at 1 and 4. So, while 4 could never hold a candle to 1, I still liked it a bit.
Although, a friend tells me a fifth is already in the works...???? NO. Let's not even GO there!! Go out on a somewhat positive-ish note, please!! GRRR.
May 26, 2011 at 6:21 pm
"We put up with it for as long as we did because we were promised it would ONLY be a trilogy."
Speak for yourself. I personally can't get enough of these movies.