2,001 Angry Letters
Snide Remarks #234
"2,001 Angry Letters"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on December 19, 2001
2001 was an unpleasant year, and not just because it spawned so many gratuitous references to dull science-fiction movies. I would like to end things on a positive note, but instead, I'm going to share with you The Year in Angry Letters, a wrap-up of the mail I got this year in response to "Snide Remarks."
Back in February, I made a passing reference to Richard Paul Evans and his "Christmas Box" books, and how they are crap. Then I received this e-mail:
"I haven't noticed any of your writings made into books [as a side note, don't forget to buy the two "Snide Remarks" books, published in 1998 and 1999, on sale at the BYU Bookstore], so all of that "crap" from Evans must be liked by quite a few people. [Oh, I didn't say it wasn't popular. Just that it wasn't good.] Personally, that kind of language offends me and I really didn't see the necessity of using it [except when you're quoting a columnist, apparently]. Ideas can be put across using a better selection of words."
Ideas CAN be put across using a better selection of words. Did you hear that, Richard Paul Evans?
In April, I discussed the difference between "chick flicks" (which only women can enjoy), and "date movies" (which men can sort of tolerate). I said men will endure any kind of boring date the woman can conjure up -- even reading magazines in a gynecologist's office -- as long as he thinks he might get a kiss at the end of it.
That column begat this angry, anonymous letter. See if you can figure out what the writer is actually angry about. (Hint: You can't.)
"I try not to read your column. [Not very hard, apparently.] ... However, I must be a sucker for punishment because I go back to it when I have time to open my Daily Herald. ... 'Snide Remarks' should be re-titled 'Ignorant Bliss' by Mr. Dumb A**. [Alas, that name's already been copyrighted by Rush Limbaugh.] ...
"Are you really so provincial to think that a date is for the woman's enjoyment only? ... Where did you find your lovely wife? Russia? [Did she just manufacture a wife for me out of her imagination and then make fun of her? Yeah, I think she did.]
"Incidentally, I challenge you to find a woman brassy enough to include a trip to the gynecologist as part of a date. [Because for sure I wasn't exaggerating when I mentioned that as a possible date.] This is NOT a fun activity by the way." [What?!]
She went on for a while, but I lost interest faster than a guy at a Bette Midler movie.
A month later, I mentioned computer demon SuperDell, and how he's the most annoying man on the face of the Earth, which has actually been verified by the Supreme Court. I got this e-mail, which was spelled exactly as it is here:
"I read you article on SuperDell and I hate him as well! However, you sound like a tight [swear word] close minded [swear word] and your topics and writing ability suck perharps you should ask yourself why superdell is worth a few million and all you can do is criticize him"
Yes. Perharps I should. Perharps we all should wonder how someone so rich could possibly be subject to criticism.
On July 4, I referred to how the founding fathers "slapped together this great nation of ours." I also mentioned Andrew Jackson's drunken inauguration party, which is well-documented by history. I got this e-mail:
"How dare you say that the 'Founding Fathers slapped together this great nation of ours'. [Which word did she object to, "slapped" or "great"?] Who do you think you are? [Who DON'T I think I am?] The remarks made about Andrew Jackson are atrocious. [And true.] You would do well to consider what it cost the men who founded this country, and consider doing something similar." [I should found my own country? OK, but you won't be allowed in.]
In a separate letter she wrote for the Opinion page, she said she was "horrified" to see this column in the paper. I picture her cowering under her chair at the breakfast table, maybe making a cross with her fingers to ward off the power of the column. And then I wish I had a photograph of that.
After the last letter was printed, we received this one from someone named "LaJean," and it was written exactly as follows:
"I would hope by the time you get this a written apology by, Eric Snider, has been made. I to was concerned as was the neighbors who wrote on July of their objection of the July 4 remarks by him. In talking to others slap in done in objection to. For Eric to say our forefathers slapped together this great nation. The other slander in the article was rediculous."
Perharps those founding fathers should have done more with the public school system. Perharps, perharps, perharps.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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