Battening down the Hatch
Snide Remarks #368
"Battening down the Hatch"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on August 3, 2003
Sen. "Orrin" Hatch has been on a kick lately to amend the Constitution. First he had one about making flag-burning illegal, which is a very pivotal issue because U.S. flags are being burned by protesters at an average rate of zero per day. Then he suggested we amend Article II of the Constitution, which currently says only a "natural born citizen" can be president. Hatch feels this is out-dated and that foreign-born naturalized citizens ought to have a shot at it, too.
Now, you should know up front my feelings about Hatch: I have no feelings about Hatch. I know he wrote some very bad inspirational songs with Janice Kapp Perry, who in Greek mythology was the goddess of very bad inspirational songs. I know he advocated blowing up the computers of people who download music, or something like that. I know people call him "Orrin," which is silly, because "Orrin" isn't even a name. Aside from that, I know little about the man or his politics.
Anyway, Hatch makes a good point about allowing foreign-born people who are now proper American citizens to be president. Why not? What's the harm? How does being born here -- an accident of fate -- automatically make you more qualified than someone born elsewhere? Can't a foreigner who has been adopted by us be as devoted to this country as a natural-born citizen? In fact, aren't the converts sometimes even MORE devoted, because they've seen the other side?
The Daily Herald recently made this the subject of its online poll, and the responses were overwhelming: 89 percent said only people born here should be president. Those posting responses at HarkTheHerald.com had some even more interesting things to say. For example, one person said this:
"No, but we should amend (the Constitution) so that all foreign-born illegals may be shot on the spot."
Did the poster really mean this, or was he just trying to cause trouble? I would have thought the latter, but I've lived here long enough to know that no opinion is so offensive, illogical or stupid that people won't embrace it. Many people in Utah County dislike people from other countries, especially those who are here illegally. Well, what they ACTUALLY don't like are people with dark skin; the fact that some are here without papers just gives them justification for hating them. (I guarantee you, illegal aliens from England or Canada don't bother Utah Countians at all.)
The insane idiot who posted the above comment -- anonymously, of course, following the tradition of all the great thinkers throughout history -- was met with some resistance, but also with a disheartening amount of support.
One person pointed out that on Sept. 11, 2001, 19 illegal aliens hijacked planes and killed thousands of Americans. "Had it been legal to shoot illegals on the spot, many, many lives could have been saved," this other insane idiot said.
A third insane idiot used this opportunity to express his or her disgust at all the "illegal Mexicans" in Utah. "This state is turning very brown and very fast," the insane idiot said. "Do you want a Mexican to be your president?" (I don't know; the people in Mexico don't seem to mind.) Ironically, this insane idiot also complained about Mexicans bringing their "hatred" to our country, apparently unaware that he or she reeks of hatred so bad that you can actually smell him or her over the Internet.
Other people pointed out this possibility: Terrorists could send one of their own to America, then he could become a citizen, become president, take over the country, and KILL US ALL!!!
In theory, of course, this would be possible if foreign-born people were allowed to be president. But think, people. The person still has to be ELECTED. Very little about any candidate's past stays hidden, especially during election campaigns. And even if the guy's terrorist connections weren't discovered, do you honestly think anyone with an Arabic name or ethnic look about him could ever be elected president in this country? Please. Half the country can't even deal with the idea of a FEMALE president, let alone one who isn't stark-white and Protestant.
The simple fact is, even if foreign-born American citizens are allowed to be president, I suspect we're a good hundred years off from actually electing one. So this Constitutional amendment would have little impact, other than irritating the people who want to slam the borders shut, kill illegal aliens and go to war against all Muslim nations. For that reason alone, I'm for it.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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