Eric D. Snider

Drunk Thoughts

Snide Remarks #635

"Drunk Thoughts"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on July 18, 2011

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Let's check out the latest developments in the field of being very drunk!

First stop: Anchorage, Alaska! This snowy Canadian village, located just north of the North Pole, is home to a lot of drunkards, probably because there's nothing to do and it's only daylight for eleven hours a year and you live under the constant threat of a militant Eskimo uprising. To prevent these drunkards from freezing to death in snow drifts or endangering others by driving their dog sleds home to their ice forts, the city of Anchorage has a van that picks them up and takes them to a place where they can sleep it off for the night.

Last week, unsurprisingly, the van for drunk people was taken for a joyride by a drunk person.

The Anchorage Daily News has all the details. You can probably guess most of them, though: the van's attendants left the vehicle running while collecting a passenger; a drunk dude hopped in and drove away; he crashed; the drunks in the back didn't even realize a joyride had taken place; the guy's name was Donny; etc. (It's a fact that if the name you usually go by is "Donny," the odds are good that someday you'll be featured in a newspaper article involving three or more of the following terms: drunk, nude, meth, police chase, trailer park, snake, strip club.)

But there is one surprising aspect to the story. When you hear that a drunk guy took the community drunk van for a joyride, you assume he was one of the van's "customers" who maybe got fed up with the frequent stops and decided to single-handedly change it from a local line to an express. That's what I would be tempted to do, if I were drunk and impatient. But no! According to the news story, "Donny H. Weston, 35, arrived in a cab and walked up to the unlocked van." In other words, he had no affiliation with the drunk van prior to stealing it. He was a completely unrelated drunk guy. Anchorage has so many drunk people that even after they fill up a van with them, they still have enough drunks left over to steal the van.

Now we have so many more questions. Was Donny merely looking for an easy-to-steal vehicle? Was he even aware that his choice turned out to be semi-ironic? Or was he not in the market for a stolen van at all, but simply saw this one with its engine running, and then noticed that it was the drunk van, and he was drunk, and oh my gosh, this is too perfect, I have to drive off in this thing, for comedy? There is a certain amount of logic in that line of thinking, as you'll recognize if you've ever associated with a drunk person, or a comedian.

We also note that Donny was in a cab when he arrived. If the cabs in Anchorage function the same way as in other cities, this cab would have taken Donny all the way to his house if he had indicated to the driver that this was his desire. There was no need to be dropped off where the drunk van was parked. Perhaps Donny was trying to save a few dollars on cab fare.

"Go ahead and let me out here. I can take the drunk van the rest of the way."

"OK, but you know the drunk van just takes you to a room at the jail where you sleep for the night, not to your house."

"Oh, yeah? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT...!"

Next stop on our tour of drunkenness: My friend's house the other night! There was a social gathering at which alcoholic beverages were served. Most people drank in moderation or abstained entirely, but one guy got completely wasted and passed out on the couch. Early, too, like 9:30. Naturally, conversation soon turned to the subject of what we should do to him. It is easy and unimaginative and altogether frat-house-y to simply draw on an unconscious drunk's face with a Sharpie, or to put a sombrero on him, or to pour water on his crotch so when he wakes up he thinks he peed his pants. We knew we were better than that. These are the possible scenarios we came up with:

- One of us trades clothes with him.

- We dress him in the clothes of someone who is much larger than himself, so that when he wakes up he will think he is shrinking.

- Everything is normal when he wakes up, except that his underwear -- and only his underwear -- is missing.

- Everything is normal when he wakes up, except that his underwear is in his back pocket.

- Everything is normal when he wakes up, except that his underwear is neatly folded on his chest, with a note attached that says "thank you."

- Everything is normal when he wakes up, except that his underwear is missing, and he can't figure out what happened to it, and a week later it arrives in the mail.

- Everything is normal when he wakes up, except that his underwear is missing, and he can't figure out what happened to it, and a week later it arrives in the mail, and the package is addressed in his own handwriting.

- Everything is normal when he wakes up, except that his underwear is missing, and he can't figure out what happened to it, and a week later it arrives in the mail, and the package is addressed in his own handwriting, and we have murdered his parents.

The last one would have been impossible because none of us knew his handwriting well enough to forge it. Most of the others were impossible too, actually, because no one wanted to handle an unconscious guy's underwear (not because of impropriety or violation of privacy, but because of gay). So, unfortunately, the drunk dude was permitted to continue sleeping in peace, and thus failed to learn any lessons at all, so I don't know what the point was.

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This item has 15 comments

  1. Karen Gayle Stout says:

    What a lovely "Snide Remarks" this is! No redeeming value whatsoever, but funny enough to make me audibly chuckle. I like that not knowing the drunk's handwriting well enough to forge it was THE deterrent to doing the last prank. Heh.

    It's time for someone to send your mom roses again, Eric. Or See's Soft Centers.

  2. Bryce says:

    Shrinking. That was hilarious.

  3. pat says:

    So are you saying you DIDN'T fly the drunk guy from your friend's house to Alaska, steal the drunk van, and then leave your drunk in the driver seat? Sure you didn't. And it's just coincidence, I suppose, both stories are in your blog this week.

  4. The Cotton Floozy says:

    I laughed so hard it hurt. Seriously. I just had major abdominal surgery and now I think I need new stitches.

  5. Rob D. says:

    The best prank you could have pulled on that drunk guy would have been to fly him to Alaska and place him in the drunk van. Everything is normal when he wakes up..........except that he's in Alaska.

  6. Daver says:

    Darn you Eric. Now that's made your drunk-nude-meth-etc-etc prediction, I'm worried sick about Donny Osmond.

  7. CC says:

    I laughed out loud, which is embarrassing in the office, but I was troubled to see that you called Anchorage, Alaska a "snowy CANADIAN village." Perhaps it's all for the cause of comedy, but I'd hate for the geographically challenged to give us "credit" for Sarah Palin.)

  8. Dustin says:

    I find that my decisions, for good and bad, are often influenced by gay.

  9. Russ says:

    Oh that would have been so amazing, and I say that while planning to go bowling and then bar hopping in about 3 hours.

    You totally should have picked one of those options, if only to be able to brag about it. And hey, the first two didn't necessarily involve his underwear.

  10. Darci says:

    As always you were true to form and I laughed out loud while reading your column. However, the last time I looked at a map, Alaska was considered part of the United States. Don't give credit to the Canadians when we can claim it for the USA!

  11. L Cat says:

    1) This article was a like a birthday present to me since it was written on my birthday. Thanks, Eric.

    2) Did anyone else make the observation that someone was being picked up by the drunk van when it was stolen, which means it was probably at a drinking establishment, which means the van-driving-drunk was actually headed to another bar when he decided he should steal the van.

    3) I was at a wedding on the beach this weekend where a friend got so drunk before the ceremony that he passed out and disappeared for three hours. He said later that he didn't want to disturb the wedding so he had enough forethought to walk to the edge of the beach by a park and pass out in the shade. If only we could have found him and the bride could have switched clothes with him. (note: he's a cop)

  12. Eric D. Snider says:

    I've done some fact-checking, and it turns out #7 and #10 are RIGHT! Anchorage, Alaska, is NOT in Canada!

    It also turns out that Anchorage is not located north of the North Pole, nor is it only daylight for eleven hours a year there, nor is there any threat of a militant Eskimo uprising, nor do people drive dog sleds and live in ice forts! Huh!

  13. Ryan S. says:

    This is the hardest I've laughed on the internet in a while. And I normally don't think drunk people are funny. Maybe I just don't spend time with the right drunk people.

  14. Steve says:

    "because of gay" is the funniest phrase I've seen in a long time.

  15. Jason says:

    A drunk's handwriting is fairly easy to forge. Just look at his signature on his license for reference.

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