Eternal Reward: $10,000
Snide Remarks #524
"Eternal Reward: $10,000"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on December 4, 2006
One of the best ways to get my attention is to be a crazy person standing on the street corner handing out fliers and shouting at people about being saved. No matter how busy I am, I will always pause to take some of your reading material and peruse its contents.
It was by this method that I recently acquired an item in the shape of a piece of paper money, only larger. On the front, it was made to look more or less like a $10,000 bill, with the Mona Lisa's head in the middle. (When was SHE president?!) On the back, it says this:
"$10,000 DOLLAR OFFER"
At that point, my attention to the flier became undivided.
Then it says this:
"One of the most amazing claims of 'The Da Vinci Code' is that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and she then became the most important of the apostles. If this is true, then the New Testament cannot be trusted, and its entire inspiration is in question."
I agree that it's good to start your sermon with some logical fallacies and hysterical proclamations. But if you always start with, "THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!," your congregation gets wise to you after a while, so it's important to vary it up. They've done a good job of that here.
First of all, I don't think anyone, even people who think "The Da Vinci Code" is the best book they've ever read (i.e., people who haven't read any other books since high school), believe it is a work of non-fiction. Yes, it mixes some true history with some speculation and flat-out imagination, but it is ultimately just a novel. I think even the stupidest of readers understand that it is not meant to supersede the Bible.
But more to the point, let's say Jesus DID marry Mary Magdalene and that she DID become an important adviser to him. So what? Why would that render the New Testament untrustworthy? The New Testament doesn't say he DIDN'T marry her. It doesn't say anything about it.
Now, if the Bible said, "And lo, verily, the mother of Jesus said: Jesus, why is it thou art now in thy thirties yet thou hast not married? What is wrong with that lovely Magdalene girl? Why dost thou not marry her? And Jesus sayeth unto her: Woman, the day I am wed to Mary Magdalene is the day I eat a pork chop wrapped in bacon, for verily, I shall never marry her nor any other woman, for lo, that is how I roll" -- well, then yes, we'd have a problem if it turned out he actually did marry her. Then we'd have reason to call the New Testament's believability into question. But since the Bible is silent on the matter of Jesus' marital status, I think we're OK.
Then the flier goes on for a while with the usual stuff about being born again and accepting God and so forth, none of which has anything to do with "The Da Vinci Code" or the $10,000. Then it comes back to the subject by saying if you "believe the fantasies of 'The Da Vinci Code'" instead of the Bible, you'll go to hell. Which, again, I don't think is a problem, since people don't generally take novels to be doctrinal, and since the book doesn't teach much that contradicts the Bible anyway, unless the Bible forbids outrageous plot devices and weak characterizations.
And then finally, at the very end, there's this: "By the way, if you want to cash in on the $10,000 offer, go to www.TenThousandDollarOffer.com."
Grr! Why didn't you say that to begin with?! You made me read all this claptrap about "The Da Vinci Code" for nothing! WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME, FLIER?!
The Web site is where it gets good. "$10,000 to anyone who has kept the Ten Commandments," it proclaims!
It continues:
"This is a legitimate offer. If you have kept the Ten Commandments, we will give you $10,000 cash. This is a legally binding contract. In other words, if you can prove you haven't violated the Ten Commandments, we are legally obligated to give you $10,000."
Awesome! I could totally use $10,000. And all I have to do is prove I haven't worshipped any graven images or committed adultery? Not a problem!
So I took the test. It starts with the 10th commandment and works its way backward. "You shall not covet. Have you ever desired something that belonged to someone else?" You check yes or no and continue.
Never mind that "covet" doesn't just mean to WANT something. I mean, everyone WANTS things, and there's nothing sinful about it. To covet something means to want it enviously or inordinately or jealously. But I can see why the Web site has taken this exceptionally narrow view. They have to make it harder to collect the $10,000!
Nonetheless, I checked "no," indicating I had never coveted.
I went through the rest of the questions. Most of them also take very narrow views -- e.g., on "thou shalt not commit adultery," we are reminded that even lusting after someone in your heart counts as adultery. (Read: Sexual desire is evil.) In each case, whether it was true or not, I answered that I had always obeyed the commandment.
Commandment #1 turned out to be the most severe. "You shall have no other gods before Me. That means that God should be first in your affections. Have you always loved God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength? Have you loved Him to a point where all your other affections (for your mom, dad, brothers, sister and you [sic] own life) seemed like hatred compared to the love you have for the One who gave those loved ones and your life to you?"
I have to love God so much that all my other affections seem like HATE in comparison?! Holy crap! That is some hardcore doctrine there, and a rather alarming exaggeration of anything the Bible actually says about it. But still, I answered that indeed, I am so fond of God that by comparison, the sight of my own mother makes me vomit with revulsion.
I submitted all my answers and eagerly awaited the Web site's instructions on how to collect my $10,000. Boy, did I ever have some plans for that money! But then it took me to a page that said this:
"Perhaps you said that you have kept the first of the Ten Commandments [to have no other gods before God], but the Bible says, 'There is none that seeks after God' (Romans 3:11). So no one has kept that Commandment. So one of you is lying -- either you or God."
Busted! The Romans verse says that all humans are imperfect; we all sin. By taking that to mean that everyone puts other gods before Him and thus everyone violates the first of the Ten Commandments, the people at this Web site have ensured that NO ONE can collect the $10,000! Sneaky! And, I have to say, a little dishonest and thus a violation of the ninth commandment. SEE YOU IN HELL, LIARS!!
This item has 33 comments
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O'Mallen says:
December 4, 2006 at 4:48 amSomeone get this boy a scanner!
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Sean says:
December 4, 2006 at 8:18 amThis is why I shouldn't read "Snide Remarks" in class. My favorite line: "unless the Bible forbids outrageous plot devices and weak characterizations." I finally read The DaVinci Code earlier this year, before the movie came out. I wondered what all of the fuss was about. It was one of the least important books I've ever read. It's one of those things you read on the airplane and then pass off to somebody else who's traveling. I never bothered with the movie.
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seespot says:
December 4, 2006 at 8:36 amI just read the DaVinci Code last week, as well as Angels and Demons. As I've never really enjoyed plot driven novels with "outrageous plot devices", I didn't really enjoy these books and will probably never read anything by Dan Brown again. I say probably because miracles do happen. I did see the movie and actually enjoyed it marginally more than I enjoyed the book, simply because it ended faster.
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Katie says:
December 4, 2006 at 8:56 amNow, if the Bible said, "And lo, verily, the mother of Jesus said: Jesus, why is it thou art now in thy thirties yet thou hast not married? What is wrong with that lovely Magdalene girl? Why dost thou not marry her? And Jesus sayeth unto her: Woman, the day I am wed to Mary Magdalene is the day I eat a pork chop wrapped in bacon, for verily, I shall never marry her nor any other woman, for lo, that is how I roll" -- well, then yes, we'd have a problem
Hilarious. Simply hilarious.
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stupidramblings says:
December 4, 2006 at 9:18 amI found The DaVinci Code to be truthful in all aspects. I wish you non-The-DaVinci-Code-thumpers would get on board.
My favorite part about the people with the flyers is that their leader is Kirk Cameron (see: Alan Thicke's kid.) (And I may be thinking of the wrong group, but if it IS them, they give me the heebee jeebees.)
And The DaVinci code was the best book ever written. So quit with the allegations of weak characters and subpar plot.
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Eric Herman says:
December 4, 2006 at 9:19 amLoved it!
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Eric Herman says:
December 4, 2006 at 9:26 amWhoops. I should have said I loved the column. Eh, the da Vinci Code movie was fun, too. I never read the book, though. Well, I read Holy Blood Holy Grail years ago, and da Vinci Code pretty much ripped that off.
One thing that was particularly absurd about the movie was the idea that the villains were supposedly super serious disciples of Christ, and yet felt the need to kill any of his offspring. Whaaa???
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Momma Snider says:
December 4, 2006 at 9:32 amI got this flyer in email form, but it didn't have the DaVinci Code connection.
I didn't have any problem with believing DaVinci Code over the Bible. What I did wonder, though, is if there really is any such secret society that Isaac Newton and Leonardo DaVinci were involved with -- because if so, maybe they weren't so smart after all.
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corned_beef says:
December 4, 2006 at 9:46 amI tried supplying the "correct" answer to Commandment #1 but STILL failed to receive $10,000. Somebody get me Gloria Allred.
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Ryan Byrd says:
December 4, 2006 at 9:51 am'So one of you is lying—either you or God, and the Scriptures say that it’s "impossible" for God to lie (see Hebrews 6:18). So, now you have broken the Ninth Commandment by lying about keeping the First Commandment. So you have missed out on the $10,000 (sorry about that), but please stay with this—for a free gift.'
I like that tactic-- first break their trust, and then ask for their continued participation. Very clever.
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GWGumby says:
December 4, 2006 at 10:02 amI love illustrated Snide Remarks. So I was sorry the visual aid was unavailable this week. I prefer the illustrated version of the DaVinci Code. And I hope that when Jesus comes back that he will get the $10,000 just to show them.
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Aaron says:
December 4, 2006 at 10:52 amI don't know about you, but that pork chop wrapped in bacon sounds pretty good to me. Anyone know where I can get one?
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atdeaver says:
December 4, 2006 at 11:00 amI saw a brief part of a TV show that featured two female travelers obsessively foraging for validating evidence supporting the DaVinci code. Yep, they were pretty scary. And quite possibly lesbos, too.
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pizzocalabro says:
December 4, 2006 at 11:03 amI loved the first part of this column, especially when you had Jesus say "for lo, that is how I roll," but I have to admit the Ten Commandments discussion left me a bit cold.
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kevith says:
December 4, 2006 at 12:10 pmMona Lisa was president right before Benjamin Franklin.
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FHL says:
December 4, 2006 at 12:22 pmI guess, technically, you are coveting their $10,000 when you agree to take the test...
Personally, I've thoroughly enjoyed all of Dan Brown's books (some more than others) but found DVC to be a great read. Definitely a page-turner.
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whome says:
December 4, 2006 at 1:41 pmNow, if an expectant mother took the test for her unborn child, since the child hasn't had a chance to sin yet, could she claim the prize for him?
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whome says:
December 4, 2006 at 1:42 pmor her?
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Ryan says:
December 4, 2006 at 1:42 pmHere's the thing; Hebrews was written like, waaay back in the day. Back then nobody was very good. Nowadays however, we have really mastered the whole ten commandments thing.
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Jamie says:
December 4, 2006 at 3:11 pmThe DaVinci code is a 'great' book similar to the 'greatness' of the Hardy Boys. The many arms of Franklin W. Dixon were able to type out several books involving short chapters ("wow, I am reading really quickly!"), cliff hanger chapters, and outrageously driven plots. Entertaining, yes; possessing in quality, no.
Try 'Infinte Jest' by David Foster Wallace.
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Cavendar says:
December 4, 2006 at 3:51 pmYeah. So you go to the site www.TenThousandDollarOffer.com and it's a total waste of time. No matter which answer you choose, it always takes you to the same end page. I therefore curse the person or persons responsible for this evil web site with its fallacious advertising and misguided message.
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Momma Snider says:
December 5, 2006 at 9:34 amYeah, there must be a commandment somewhere about "Thou shalt not get good people's hopes up about money if thou doth not plan to shell it out."
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chubbs says:
December 5, 2006 at 2:11 pmI've gotta throw this out there...it disturbed me a bit to read the part where you wrote about how Jesus might reply to Mary. But generally speaking I thought the column was pretty funny.
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Devino says:
December 5, 2006 at 2:39 pmMaybe we call all pitch in and buy Eric a new scanner for Christmas so we can see things like this flier. Of course we should buy it through Amazon.com and give Eric even more money.
Don't you just love how people take bible text out of context and match them to their own beliefs? It happens way too often.
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Adam Palmer says:
December 5, 2006 at 10:03 pmnevertheless, i marked it anyway (lol)
see you in hell, liars (awesomely funny)
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Lowdogg says:
December 7, 2006 at 10:52 amWhat makes me laugh about the website is the idea that we will be so overcome with our sinful nature that this website will change our lives!
First it breaks down how we are all sinners, but then it says "Say a prayer that goes something likes this..." and all is well!
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Nina S says:
December 10, 2006 at 10:36 amThere are many things I enjoyed about "The Da Vinci Code", starting with the fact that Dan Brown specifically mentions that his hero resembles Harrison Ford, and yet he only got Tom Hanks for the movie. I also liked that the large sinister Opus Dei monk is not just large, sinister and a monk,but also *albino*. Villains just don't get any worse than that. But the best thing is that Jesus's descendants are French.
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thejoeinme says:
December 10, 2006 at 7:16 pmOf course Jesus' descendants are French. They had to be. Anyone else would have stood up to the Romans and ruined the Scriptures. ;)
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Carrie says:
December 11, 2006 at 4:46 pmReading your version of Jesus' explanation of why he's not married yet made me laugh out loud and get in trouble with my boss. Thanks a lot, mister. There's such a thing as TOO funny. Or not.
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michael says:
December 14, 2006 at 3:06 pmi know the truth because i found the keystone you can keep the reward its only money seeing the light is more important got you going now mr snider hee hee
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Craig says:
December 16, 2006 at 12:42 pmThere's got to be a lawsuit in this somewhere. I suspect their $10,000 challenge falls under the range of consumer fraud, but that's just speculation on my part.
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melis says:
December 18, 2006 at 2:17 pm"for lo, that is how I roll". Priceless. Thanks for the laugh.
WRT the DaVinci Code. Dan Brown (and he has done this with all of this books) took some fairly interesting content, spruced it up, and then ruined it all with cheesy writing. He always has to put in some lame pathetci love story sub plot in there. There are also the lame stereotypical hero types and then the anti-climactic ending ruined of course by the long awaited love scene that looks like it came straight out of a Harlequin romance novel (*I would assume) with heaving bosom and inferred boot-knockin.LAME LAME LAME.
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Brother Reed says:
October 16, 2007 at 7:57 amJust for the record, we are counting Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John as part of the Bible, right? If so, I would hardly call those "narrow interpretations" of the commandments exaggerations. In fact, they are very close what Jesus actually said.
For instance, "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28, words of Jesus. Also consider Matthew 10:34-37: "Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's enemies will be the members of his household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. "
Now, I realize: humor column, internet=serious business, etc. and as a former BYUer you are probably familiar with those Scriptures anyway. It just seemed appropriate to point these things out.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Notes:
I recall being handed this flier sometime during Labor Day Weekend. I remember it because I had a friend in town visiting, and I said to him, "I bet I can write a column about this." And then I put the flier somewhere and completely forgot about it until last week.
If I had a scanner, I would scan it in so you could see it.
This column was the first one to be recorded for podcasting purposes. As luck would have it, I had a bit of a sore throat when I performed it, and that made my "Bible voice" even deeper.