Every Vote Re-Counts
Snide Remarks #136
"Every Vote Re-Counts"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on November 24, 2000
BERNARD SHAW: This is Bernard Shaw for CNN. As we enter our 236th consecutive hour of non-stop election coverage, we have a late-breaking development: Election officials in Florida have announced that they still don't know who won. All of the major television networks have interrupted their regular programming to allow the officials to make this statement, the seventh such statement in the last 24 hours.
VIDEOTAPE OF FLORIDA OFFICIAL, WHO IS WEARING A PAIR OF OVERALLS AND HOLDING A LIVE PIG: We's still countin' th' votes. They's a big pile of 'em, out back to the shed. We was doin' the hand count, only 'cept our hands only goes up to nine or 10, so we had to start usin' our toes, too.
BERNARD SHAW: Both campaigns have reacted to this statement by filing several dozen lawsuits, some of which, having been prepared in apparent haste, name O.J. Simpson as defendant.
We now go live to political analyst Wolf Blitzer, who has nothing new to add.
WOLF BLITZER: I once had a layover in Florida.
BERNARD SHAW: Thank you, Wolf. The American Humor Council announced today that jokes about the confusing ballots in Palm Beach are no longer funny, and that people should stop e-mailing them to each other. Please resume the practice of sending blonde jokes to your friends and co-workers, the council urged. The council also mentioned that Jay Leno is not funny, and that old people should stop laughing at him. The old people, however, confused by the baffling television remote control, continued watching Leno, despite actually wanting to see Nightline.
We take you now to a man-on-the-street interview, where an anonymous moron is saying something stupid.
ANONYMOUS MORON: I didn't vote, but if I had, I would have voted for Ralph Nader, because he smokes weed. Wooooooo!
BERNARD SHAW: This just in, CNN is projecting ... flickering lights on a white screen. We're calling it a movie. Now to Wolf Blitzer, who has something unenlightening to add.
WOLF BLITZER: Florida is where Jerry's parents lived on "Seinfeld."
BERNARD SHAW: Thank you, Wolf. The Associated Press reported a few minutes ago that, contrary to popular belief, news has continued to occur elsewhere in the world. For example, the entire continent of Africa was swallowed up by the sea several days ago. The Associated Press is projecting the inhabitants as dead, but CNN is exercising caution.
This just in: Florida election officials have an important announcement to make.
FLORIDA OFFICIAL: Gov'nur Jeb done blowed off one o' his countin' fingers whilst makin' moonshine out back to the state capitol.
BERNARD SHAW: Governor Bush and Vice President Gore filed 14 lawsuits between them before the election official had even finished speaking.
CNN is projecting ... its voice, to be heard across the crowded room.
In other news, Panama reports that it has misplaced the Panama Canal. It was just here yesterday, the Central American nation was heard to mutter.
We go now to Wolf Blitzer, who will kill a few seconds while I relieve myself into this cup under the desk at which I have been sitting for 236 hours.
WOLF BLITZER: Florida was the name of the mother on "Good Times."
BERNARD SHAW: I'm not done yet.
WOLF BLITZER: She was played by Esther Rolle.
BERNARD SHAW: There. Thank you, Wolf. We've just received word that no one cared about this election in the first place and that the ongoing controversy has made people even less interested. We will stay with this story until our ratings no longer justify it.
CNN is projecting ... its childhood insecurities onto its spouse. CNN regrets this and promises to see a counselor.
Florida is a backwater state full of Elian Gonzalez-kidnapping crackers. This is not a quote; it is merely an observation. More election coverage when we return from this commercial break.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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