Going Postal

Snide Remarks #603

"Going Postal"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on December 15, 2008

I had a run-in with my local post office recently that I'm hesitant to share because I don't want you to think that I'm a U.S. Postal Service hater. On the contrary, I generally have no problem at all with sending or receiving mail, and while it's trendy to complain about the ever-increasing price of stamps, 42 cents is still quite a bargain for getting my rent check to my landlady without having to encounter her directly. So I'm a USPS supporter.

But there are occasionally some snags in the system, which led to the run-in that I'm about to describe. It started with this rule they have where you can't mail something weighing more than 13 ounces from your corner mailbox. You have to actually go inside a post office and hand it to a clerk. If you look at a mailbox, you'll see a sticker warning you about this rule. It says:

Attention: 13-Ounce Rule

Stamped Mail Over 13 Ounces Prohibited

Due to heightened security, all mail that bears postage stamps and weighs more than 13 ounces must be taken by the customer to a retail service counter at a Post Office.

Failure to do so will result in the return of your mailpiece.

Now, first of all, obviously: mailpiece? That's what the post office calls an individual piece of mail? A mailpiece? That's fantastic. What a great made-up word! And so effective -- the last thing any of us wants is for his mailpiece to be returned.

I also want to point out that the sign has the words "by the customer" italicized and in bold type. That heavy mailpiece must be taken BY THE CUSTOMER into the post office! Don't even think about having a robot or a trained monkey do it for you.

But to get to my real point, you can tell that it's a bogus rule because it begins with the words "due to heightened security." That phrase, which did not exist before 9/11, is only used to justify bogus rules. If the rule made sense on its own, they wouldn't have to explain it to you. "You may not bring bombs on the aircraft." See, that's self-explanatory. You don't have to add a phrase at the beginning explaining WHY bombs are not allowed on the aircraft; it just makes sense. It's only when the rule is stupid and arbitrary that they bring in "due to heightened security" to make it sound legitimate. It's supposed to make you think, "Oh, well, of course I can't have a bottle of water within a hundred yards of an airplane. It's due to heightened security!" You can practically hear the announcement's tone of voice:

"Due to heightened security, all visitors to the DMV are subject to strip search."

"Wait, why?"

"Due to heightened security."

"But that doesn't make any--"

"DUE ... TO HEIGHTENED ... SECURITY."

When I first noticed the 13-ounce rule, I decided to treat it the same way I treat all rules that I don't like or don't see a need for: ignore it until forced to do otherwise. And that actually worked. The 13-ounce rule is laxly enforced in my neighborhood, and nothing I dropped in the mailbox ever came back to me -- until a couple weeks ago, when, at long last, my luck ran out and I was surprised by the return of my mailpiece, shoved by my mailman into my mailslot. They don't cancel the postage or anything; they just put a sticker on it informing you of the 13-ounce rule and exhorting you to take it into a post office personally. (No robots!)

As it happens, I needed to go to the post office anyway, to ship something that was physically too big to cram into a mailbox, so I took this scorned mailpiece with me. The problem was that all of this occurred last week, and you may have noticed that it was December last week, and December is when the post office is overrun by elderly people who only use the postal service once a year, to send Christmas packages to their grandchildren. These people invariably have no idea how the postal service works, and they irritate those of us who are post office veterans and know what we're doing.

Lady, you can't mail a box that's tied up with string! It jams the machines! Everyone knows that!

Nor can you reuse the box your toaster came in and just write the recipient's address in tiny letters in one corner! How is the mailman supposed to see that?!

So I avoid the post office this time of year if I can help it, but obviously I couldn't in this case. And sure enough, when I got there, there was only one clerk working, and the line was really long, and ahead of me was an old man trying to mail a hammer wrapped in tinfoil, or an open bucket of lobsters, or whatever. And then they get very concerned about the price. They're always surprised at how much it costs, and they ask a lot of questions. And that's annoying, too, because, what, are you gonna haggle? You're gonna try to talk the post office down a few bucks? It costs what it costs! Discussing it won't make it any cheaper. Pay it and get out.

Finally I got to the counter, and the clerk was this friendly man in his 50s whom I'd dealt with many times before, and I handed him my rejected mailpiece and told him what had happened.

"Oh, yeah," he said, "if it's more than 13 ounces you gotta have one of these on it or it'll be sent back to you." And as he's saying this, he's printing out an official bar-coded label to stick on it.

"Yeah, I know," I said. "Because 12-ounce bombs are unheard of, but 14-ounce bombs are all the rage." I was trying to be jovial about the rule, but he missed my point. He said, "Well, it used to be 16 ounces."

"Right," I said, "I'm just saying, it's funny how they choose a number arbitrarily for the cut-off. It could have been 12 or 14 or 16, and they chose 13." I gave a little chuckle here, but he remained silent as he went about handling my package. I mean, handling my mailpiece. I mean, handling the thing I was mailing. So I added, "It's like at the airport, where you can't have more than exactly 3.2 ounces of liquid, you know?"

Finally he said, "Well, it's a different world now. And I, for one, am glad to have people like them, and like me, watching out for everyone."

That's right: By insisting that parcels weighing more than 13 ounces be shipped in person rather than through a public mailbox, the man at the post office believes he is fighting terrorism.

This was eye-opening for me. I always assumed that the rank-and-file enforcers of arbitrary rules knew the rules were silly but went along with them out of obligation -- hence my attempt to banter on the subject. But not this guy. He's a true believer. And as it turns out, the thing I was mailing actually was a bomb, so it's a good thing I took it inside and blew up the entire post office, rather than just taking out a mailbox. That's the last time they'll disrespect my mailpiece!

Comments & Reaction:

The 13-ounce rule, you'll notice, only applies if the item "bears postage stamps." If you have a postage meter that spits out official labels, you can drop the thing in a mailbox no matter how much it weighs. I don't know why terrorists are any more likely to use postage stamps than postage meters, but there you go.

SnideCast intro & outro: "Such Great Heights," by The Postal Service.

This item has 37 comments

Brett says:
December 14, 2008 at 11:41 pm
So I learned a new word from those young kids at church this week... here it is: LOL-able.

This article is definitely LOL-able.

Aside from that, I learned something new AND your description of the post office in December was so spot-on that I feel that I've already experienced it for the month and no longer need to go there. Holy run-on...
Kaydria says:
December 15, 2008 at 12:23 am
It never fails, every single year when the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade announces that it will have the Postal Service doing something, I always get SO EXCITED because I think they mean Ben Gibbard, Jimmy Tamborello and Jenny Lewis will be performing.

Then a bunch of dudes in uniform show up.

It always ruins Thanksgiving for me.
Lane says:
December 15, 2008 at 1:10 am
Well this is two fun articles in a row that have ZERO controversy behind them! Angry letters are fun, I suppose, but not being angry is even MORE fun.
Eric says:
December 15, 2008 at 2:15 am
"...he remained silent as he went about handling my package."

tender.
Lowdogg says:
December 15, 2008 at 4:54 am
When you work for the government, or a psuedo-governmental organization, those rules are the kind of thing that justify your existence.

Did he do anything to test the package for explosive or dangerous materials? No, but add a rule about 13 oz stamped mailpieces and you have just guaranteed that man's job for the foreseeable future.

I blame unions (its the cool thing to do these days).
Tom says:
December 15, 2008 at 5:35 am
Seemingly nonsensical regulations sometimes have semi-good reasons behind them.

Why insist the mailpiece be taken to the post office BY THE CUSTOMER? We don't want you elderly folks trying to wheedle your friendly neighborhood mailcarrier to carry your mailpiece in for you. Also, we need you to show up in person so we can inspect your suspicious-looking face, you terrorist.

Why is a package exempt if it has a postage-meter sticker instead of stamps? After it blows up, the shards of sticker can be traced back to YOUR postage meter, you terrorist.

Why is the cutoff weight 13 ounces? I have no idea.
mommy says:
December 15, 2008 at 5:53 am
I have this image of the mail person weighing each letter individually, then rejecting pieces at each house. this takes longer, so he has few houses to go to and thus a new job is born.

We as customers should rebel by trading 13 oz mail pieces so we aren't forced to bring i our own.
OMAllen says:
December 15, 2008 at 6:13 am
Its so the post office can have its contracted companies sell more postage meter machines.
David says:
December 15, 2008 at 6:43 am
"I was surprised by the return of my mailpiece, shoved by my mailman into my mailslot."

That's the most obscene thing I've ever heard. :-)
Robert says:
December 15, 2008 at 6:56 am
A column with bomb references just days after two Oregon cops were killed and one was maimed by one?

What doesn't make sense about the 13-ounce rule is this: if it really is about heightened security, why do they then handle it and return it to the person?
Tom says:
December 15, 2008 at 7:42 am
Why do they handle the package and return it to the customer? I guess that's better than delivering it to the intended victim, to whom bad things might happen when the package is opened.
Ben C. says:
December 15, 2008 at 8:18 am
My local post office has a self-service kiosk, so you don't have to wait in the long line. The best thing is, the old people have no clue how to use it, so there is never a line! I'm usually in and out in less than 10 minutes.
Ginny says:
December 15, 2008 at 8:51 am
If you question rules, then the terrorists win.
Linda says:
December 15, 2008 at 9:30 am
"If you question rules, then the terrorists win" ??????

You are joking, right? Right? You work for the Post Office don't you?
Dave Too says:
December 15, 2008 at 9:40 am
"Mailpiece" - I agree that's just somehow vaguely obscene. Puts me in mind of "codpiece", another cringe-worthy word.
Turkey says:
December 15, 2008 at 10:11 am
Of course Ginny's kidding. Old joke, you know.

He probably defended the rule because he's tired of people complaining about it.
Eric the Non-Snyder says:
December 15, 2008 at 10:28 am
I have to agree with Eric [the Author] on a lot of this one. I'm a government employee, but rather cynical about the rules that people swear by. We have the same warning on our boxes here in California, which inspired a similar-but-not-blogged series of thoughts about the rule.

Terrorists hate dealing with people in person, as they might get caught. Getting stamps (and apparently bomb parts too) can be done without social interaction. But if we can just get them to meet with someone to rent a postage machine or visit a government building where trained personnel can deal with him immediately (the post office), they won’t be quite so eager to start mailing dangerous stuff!

Of course, then I realized that it doesn’t say “bombs,” we just assume that’s what they’re trying to prevent. What if there is an effort to stop black-market mailing of body parts that weigh over 12 ounces? Or what if people just aren’t thinking about what they shouldn’t ship? Maybe they’ve been mailing a pound of hamburger or a gallon of milk without thinking that it might go bad, drip, and really make quite a stink?
baguioboy says:
December 15, 2008 at 11:13 am
Was the box tied up with string a brown paper package?
SDR says:
December 15, 2008 at 11:53 am
From now on, when I want to mail a bomb to someone, I will be sure to make it clearly more than 13 ounces (26 seems like a good number), put plenty of postage on it (but not too much), make it small enough to fit in a mailbox (the closest one to my intended victim) and put his address as the return address. Then it will be delivered by the post office to my intended victim, and I have gamed the system!

Not that I'd ever do anything like that. Please don't dispatch swat teams to my office. Or FBI. Or ATF. Or CIA. Or Homeland Security Officials.

Someone just observed that is exactly what a terrorist would say. But I'm really not a terrorist.

Really. Really Really.

SDR --- Not a Terrorist.
Red says:
December 15, 2008 at 2:38 pm
On the subject of meter vs. stamps: We all know from the evening news that terrorists and other criminals, unless they are quiet and reclusive, always behave like normal, respectable people until the day they blow themselves up or gun down the postman (now that's an odd twist). We further know from our very fine public education system that normal, respectable people in America avoid anything that seems even remotely related to the metric system. Therefore, since "meter" sounds like "meter," it is obviously on the "things to avoid" list they pass out at terrorist camps.

I hope you can sleep better tonight, Eric, now that question has been answered.
Wayne says:
December 15, 2008 at 2:57 pm
You know, I've always thought it would be a neat trick to just leave the stamps off my envelopes entirely, make the return address be the recipient's address, and the recipient's address be my address. That way, when the postman got my mailpiece, he'd just "return" it to my intended recipient. This would even work for 14oz, heck even 28oz mailpieces. This article confirms for me that it would work!

My college roommate once sent a letter to his friend in a re-purposed "Business Reply - No Postage Reqd" envelope. The postman delivered it just fine, along with a note to the recipient that said he owed the post office sixty-something cents for delivery of the letter.

So many loopholes in the system!
Richie says:
December 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I seem to remember the no-stamps-on-heavy-mailpieces rule coming out after the Unabomber stuff, not 9/11. Anyway, great article.
Jake says:
December 15, 2008 at 4:47 pm
The problem with "heighten security" is that it never gets lowered. At no point in the future we will be able to return to taking liquids on the plane or mailing 14 oz packages in the mailbox. Once security has been "heightened" there's no going back.
Galhy says:
December 15, 2008 at 5:43 pm
On my first trip to the US we had to change the baby's diaper just as our connection flight was announced. We did changed her in a hurry and my husband asked me run to the bathroom to dispose of the diaper while he was gathering our stuff, it was a stinky one so as I was walking away I started complaining out loud and said something like "I don't know why you get to do the easy part and I am the one that has to handle this bomb". My husband turned pale and reprimanded me angrily while several people started to look around nervously. It was not until we got to our destination, 3 hours latter, that he decided to explain why he was so upset. I never knew how paranoid people really was until that happened.
Emma says:
December 15, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Eric,
First let me say, I totally respect you for having a big enough mailpiece to joke online about mailing a bomb through the US Postal service during this age of heightened security. This website is probably now flagged, and everyone who visits it is probably on some sort of watch list, so, you know, thanks for that…

"This quote really is what I wanted to comment on though:
I always assumed that the rank-and-file enforcers of arbitrary rules knew the rules were silly but went along with them out of obligation -- hence my attempt to banter on the subject. But not this guy. He's a true believer."

I have noticed that people who are forced to follow “rank and file” rules LOVE them. They live for rank and file rules. The few people in jobs who CAN jest about the arbitrary rules they have to adhere to don’t stay in those jobs long; they graduate college and get jobs where they have to mention in the interview that they are comfortable making decisions without having a set of stringent rules to follow.
JD says:
December 16, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Best column ever!
dc_united_fan says:
December 16, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Quote from Ben C:

"My local post office has a self-service kiosk, so you don't have to wait in the long line. The best thing is, the old people have no clue how to use it, so there is never a line! I'm usually in and out in less than 10 minutes."

I went to a nearby post office intending to use the self-service kiosk. However, when I got there, a postal worker was sitting in front of the kiosk in a desk chair. He never let me touch the machine, and processed the entire transaction for me on the "self-service" kiosk. I left the place steaming mad thinking about this completely unnecessary and worthless worker being subsidized by my tax dollars.
Eric D. Snider says:
December 16, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I left the place steaming mad thinking about this completely unnecessary and worthless worker being subsidized by my tax dollars.

The U.S. Postal Service is an "independent government agency" and owned by the federal government, but it's not supported by tax dollars. It's self-sufficient. So that was a waste of your stamp-buying dollars, not your tax dollars.
Robert says:
December 17, 2008 at 6:12 am
I'm just posting here because I've always wanted to be on a terror watchlist.

Also liked the column, as usual.
Sean says:
December 17, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Just a heads-up for everyone. The Echelon anti-terror softwarr scans the internet for words like bomb, terrorist, insurrection, anarchy, assassination, and jihad. So be sure you don't use words like bomb, terrorist, insurrection, anarchy, assassination, and jihad on your website, or you might end up on the watch list for people who use words like bomb, terrorist, insurrection, anarchy, assassination, and jihad.
dc_united_fan says:
December 18, 2008 at 9:48 am
Quote from Eric D. Snider:

"The U.S. Postal Service is an "independent government agency" and owned by the federal government, but it's not supported by tax dollars. It's self-sufficient. So that was a waste of your stamp-buying dollars, not your tax dollars."

Actually, that makes me feel a lot better. Thanks.

However, it does appear that the Federal Government gave the postal service some money after 9/11 (due to heightened security, I'm sure). I suppose these days that makes the post office even more like a real private business. How cool is that!
A Terrorist says:
January 9, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Oh crap. They really came up with this rule? When? Oh crap.
oliver says:
April 1, 2009 at 6:15 am
I used to take customer service calls for the post office. A lot of rules and regulations are silly. If you are wondering why it's 13 onces. Here's what I remember:

First class mail (normal leters and such) goes through specific pathways in the mail system that are almost completely automatic. This keeps it fast (3 days maximum to any place in the country) and cheap. There is almost no handleing or sorting of any kind by humans. To keep the cost and eficiency down, there are specific restricions on size and weight. Items over 13 oz. most likely do not run through these machines very well and need to go through either larger and slower machines with the parcel post, or go with the priority mail which uses an altogether faster and diferent (prioritized sorting) system. So there you go. 13 oz wasn't just randomly picked, and has nothing to do with the minimum weight of a bomb, it has to do with the sorting system.

Putting the "because of heightened security" on the stickers saying why you have to hand it to a postal employee is pretty dumb. The real reason is....the mailbox is for 1st class mail. If you have an item over 13 oz, it shouldn't go in that box, because it's no longer 1st class....

Anyways, a little late in commenting. I still loved the post, just hoped to shed some light on the random 13 oz limit.
Bob says:
May 26, 2009 at 9:01 am
You used the word "bomb" inside a US post office talking to a postal employee?
You're lucky you were not arrested.

But what I don't understand is "bears postage stamps" means.
Are they talking about just the little stick on postage stamps like it was 1950?
Does it include packages with the printed labels you generate with Ebay PayPal or at USPS.com?
Is that considered "postage stamps".
Can I put those in there?
Today I had a 10 second stare down with the postal clerk when she asked if there was any liquids in my package.
It was a bottle of perfume.
As I said "no" she shook it and we could both hear the sloshing sound.
I'd rather avoid that.
Bob
Jess says:
May 29, 2009 at 4:14 pm
34 responses and NOBODY seems to understand or provide the correct answer?

The reason stamped mail is rejected is because it is NOT traceable. Metered mail can be tracked back to the machine/computer that printed the postage. That allows the possibility of clues to find who mailed the problematic "package".

It is a safety issue brought about from "heightened security" after 9-11.
Bob says:
September 14, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Jess says, "The reason stamped mail is rejected is because it is NOT traceable. Metered mail can be tracked back to the machine/computer that printed the postage. That allows the possibility of clues to find who mailed the problematic 'package.'"

While that might be true for anthrax, it certainly is NOT true for explosives. I had three time sensitive mailings returned today with a sticker on each requoting the mail stikcer noted above. So I had a runner take it down to the post office a second time and hand it to "a retail service associate." Note, I am the customer, not the runner... GOTCHA! Of course, I had him take off his burka and leave the C4 in the car, but that's another story...
USPS Sometimes says:
February 27, 2010 at 9:02 am
I like my fellow citizens who work for the Postal Service well enough, but the Service has made some very large mistakes of late, including the 13 Ounce Rule. Who wants to stand in such a long line to mail a 14 ounce package, when you can send it UPS Ground (never a wait) for two dollars more and it can you can have a confirmation of delivery?

Because business people are rushed on time, I bet USPS has lost billions and billions because of this arbitrary rule. However, there is some government official out there, who thinks they are making everyone safe . . . Also, while I am at it, the Postal Service removed their electronic stamp machine at our local office(and will not replace it because it didn't work or not enough business), so now you have to stand in line to get stamps, even one stamp. Forget about. (Yes, I know you can buy them at stores, but who remembers?) Remember, this is how government "healthcare" will be run!

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Eric D. Snider