Goodwill Hunting
Snide Remarks #631
"Goodwill Hunting"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on June 13, 2011
It had always been my assumption that the clothes you buy at Goodwill have been laundered between the time they were donated and the time they were put on the racks. They couldn't just sell people's dirty clothes, could they? That's gross. We are not savages.
Upon reflection, it seems my main reason for this assumption was that I'd once heard a comedian say that instead of paying ten bucks to have his suit dry-cleaned, he'd donate it to Goodwill, let them clean it, then buy it back for five bucks. I didn't think the comedian had actually done this, but the idea seemed logically sound. If Goodwill doesn't wash the clothes, the plan crumbles.
Then one evening I was with some friends, receiving many compliments from them on the stylish and attractive new pants I was wearing, which I'd bought at Goodwill. I said, "Oh, thanks! Aren't they nice? I got them at this trendy little boutique called Goodwill." (That's a small joke, you see. I often use humor in my interactions with friends.) The conversation turned to how you can frequently find some very nice things at Goodwill, which is what people always say when the subject of thrift stores comes up, as a means of reassuring you that there is NO SHAME WHATSOEVER in buying things that other people were going to throw away. Then it came to light that I had bought these pants earlier that very day, and suddenly there was controversy.
"Wait," someone said. "You haven't washed them yet?"
"Isn't that kind of gross?" someone else said.
I said, "I'm pretty sure Goodwill washes everything before they sell it. They have fitting rooms so you can try stuff on before you've even bought it. There must be health code regulations or something." A few people in the group agreed with my way of thinking, and we were now split between two possibilities:
1. Goodwill washes donated clothing prior to selling it.
2. Goodwill does not wash donated clothing prior to selling it, so anything you buy, try on, or even touch may well be contaminated with whatever diseases and insects plagued the former owner.
The second option was too horrible to contemplate. I'd been wearing these pants all day. It was like learning the cheeseburger you'd already eaten half of was made out of babies. "This cheeseburger can't be made out of babies!" you'd tell yourself. "I've already eaten half of it!"
Goodwill's website is cagey on this subject. (The subject of washing clothes, not cheeseburger babies.) Under the "dos" and "don'ts" of donating, they say you should wash or dry-clean clothing, and they say not to donate soiled items. But those are just suggestions, and people tend to ignore suggestions when it comes to donating things, because they think, "HEY, I AM BEING CHARITABLE, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS, I AM AWESOME JUST FOR GIVING YOU THINGS!" Most Goodwill stores have fitting rooms, which suggests that they're encouraging you to try things on before you buy them, which means they can't be TOO disease-ridden. On the other hand, the Goodwill website makes no mention of fitting rooms, and indeed reports that "some shoppers like to bring in a seamstress' tape measure" to ensure that the items they're buying will fit, which sounds like they're gently suggesting that you NOT try them on.
The next time I was at Goodwill, I asked a cashier about it. I said, "When people donate clothes, do you guys wash them before you sell them?"
The cashier replied, "Oh, heavens, no."
So there you go.
Still, I figure people aren't generally donating their dirty laundry. It's not like you go for a jog and throw your sweaty T-shirt in the Goodwill bin on your way home. Usually you're giving away clothes that were washed long ago and have been sitting unworn in a closet or drawer while you became too fat to wear them. YOU might need a good cleaning, but the clothes are probably all right.
There remains the possibility that when the police find a cache of dead hobos under a bridge, they take the clothes off the corpses and deliver them to Goodwill, but that probably is not common.
I am far less optimistic about the state of things at the Goodwill Outlet stores. Did you know that Goodwill has outlet stores? They do. This is where things that have failed to sell at regular Goodwills are given one last chance before they are thrown away. Whatever doesn't sell at the Goodwill Outlet is literally taken directly to a landfill. Please reflect on that. Goodwill already sells people's trash. The Goodwill Outlet stores sell Goodwill's trash. It's the trash's trash. It's grandtrash. If you buy something at a Goodwill Outlet and then throw it away again, it becomes great-grandtrash.
The nearest Goodwill Outlet to me is way down at the south end of Portland, where we keep most of our skanky things. I'd heard stories about it and recently went to check it out for myself. It's a large, nondescript warehouse, like a Costco but without the charm. I assume it's fairly representative of Goodwill Outlets in general, but to confirm this I would need to visit other Goodwill Outlets, and this is not something that is going to happen within the span of my natural life.
People call the Goodwill Outlet "The Bins," because instead of being hung on racks or placed on shelves, everything is tossed into bins. The clothing bins are separate from the shoe bins, which are separate from the book bins and the glassware bins and the miscellaneous crap bins, but other than that no attempt is made to differentiate. Clothes are sold by the pound. I'm not kidding. You want a pound of shirts? That'll be $1.89.
There's no reason the stuff at the Goodwill Outlet would be any filthier than the stuff at a regular Goodwill, since everything came from there to begin with. But it seems dirtier. At a regular Goodwill, with everything neatly separated according to size and style, it's easy to pretend that you're not picking through things that other people threw away. That illusion is ruined at the Goodwill Outlet, with its gray, Soviet-style lighting and piles of merchandise. Merchandise should not come in "piles." The "pile" is entirely the wrong format for merchandise.
The Bins would be an excellent place to go if you were thinking of becoming a hoarder. It's a hoarding starter kit. Perhaps it violates the spirit of hoarding to accumulate all your garbage all at once rather than over a period of years, but there's no denying it's economical and efficient. If for some reason you needed to be a hoarder by this weekend and hadn't even started yet, the Goodwill Outlet would be a lifesaver.
The people who frequent The Bins are an interesting mix. I only saw a few who seemed to be there out of necessity, who were so impoverished they could not afford to shop at a regular Goodwill. ("The fancy Goodwill? Who am I, Rockefeller?!") Mostly there were two groups: the funky do-it-yourselfers who like to buy old trinkets and knick-knacks to make their homes more "eclectic" (read: filled with junk); and the people searching for valuable treasures. If you know what you're looking for, you can find vintage clothing or rare books that you can sell for a lot of money on eBay, and all you have to do to get them is rummage around in bins full of garbage, like a common raccoon.
You can spot the people who are very serious about their Goodwill Outlet treasure-seeking because they wear plastic gloves as they root through the piles, lest they lose a finger on a saw blade or contract hepatitis from a disreputable negligee. Goodwill actually has signs posted urging browsers to be cautious, as there is no way of knowing where something sharp or contagious might be lurking. As a general rule, one should avoid any kind of retail experience that requires protective gear. One might wear the unlaundered cast-off clothing of strangers, but one must draw the line somewhere.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 30 comments
June 14, 2011 at 11:10 am
Disreputable negligee! HA!
This was great. I'm a thrift store shopper, but we're in Utah, so the thrift store of choice is DI. I went there for a service project once and was given a tour and was VERY happy to see a line of industrial washers and dryers and hear they give everything a good washing before it goes out on the racks. Still a step down from most of society, but not so far beneath everyone, lol.
June 14, 2011 at 12:33 pm
My favorite SR 2.0 yet. My coworkers became concerned at the sounds I was making as I read this column.
June 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm
"The fancy Goodwill? Who am I, Rockefeller?!"
Genius. Pure genius. Eric, you never fail to make me smile and often enough to belly laugh. Thank you!
June 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm
A Cheeseburger made of babies! That's outrageous!
June 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Dude 1: "I have a date tonight and I don't know what to do."
Dude 2: "What do you mean?"
Dude 1: "Well, I told her I was a hoarder, and I don't own any junk at all."
Dude 2: "Hmm. That's a serious problem. I don't know how to help you. Let's see what Eric Snider would do."
Dude 1 [reading]: "If for some reason you needed to be a hoarder by this weekend and hadn't even started yet, the Goodwill Outlet would be a lifesaver."
Dude 1: "Man, am I glad that Snide Remarks is back."
Dude 2: "And I am glad I didn't commit suicide last week."
June 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Actually, the fact that Goodwill doesn't wash their clothes didn't surprise me because I heard someone from Deseret Industries (the aforementioned "DI")say THEY DIDN'T wash the clothes, due to cost.
Thrift stores do have enormous garbage collection costs. Most stuff never even makes it to the store, just gets tossed right in to the dumpster; things like that stained mattress, moth-eaten sweat-stained AC|DC shirt, or Bee Gees cassettes.
Also as an occasioned thrift store shopper, I've never become accustomed to the old/dirty clothes smell...
June 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm
"Hoarding starter kit"--hilarious.
June 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Eric's normal assumption that thrift store attire is laundered prior to sale reminded me of the slightly unnerving comment once uttered by a hotel maidperson that although bedsheets were laundered daily, they typically did not clean the outer bedspreads on a regular basis. This bit of information then caused my mind to envision all the potential activities that might be engaged in upon said bedspread.
June 14, 2011 at 4:46 pm
Regarding DI (Deseret Industries), my husband worked there for a while (which got him forklift training that led to his current very good job), and at least the one he worked at DOES clean clothes and run them through a steamer for dewrinkling.
Regarding hotel/motel bedding, as an ex-motel maid, I can confirm that sheets are changed between guests or every two-three days (in the places I worked) for guests staying several days. Blankets and bedspreads are cleaned only as needed, though.
June 14, 2011 at 5:08 pm
I just hope nobody from Planned Parenthood reads this. They would totally love to steal your cheeseburger baby idea.
June 14, 2011 at 5:11 pm
How can I learn the truth about whether D.I. does or doesn't launder items, when opinions differ right here in this comment thread? I always wash things before I donate them, but I'll stop doing that if I'm just duplicating efforts.
I was at "Savers" which is a "Thrift Department Store" recently, and watched a woman wearing pilled cat pajama pants buy a cartload of decorative knick-knacks: cherub lamps, commemorative clocks, and a framed print of David O. McKay, his counselors, and the 12 apostles standing in white suits in the temple. (Obviously, I am not making that last one up. It was very memorable.) I feel sure that woman could give any beginning-level hoarder some professional hints.
June 14, 2011 at 5:47 pm
"There remains the possibility that when the police find a cache of dead hobos under a bridge, they take the clothes off the corpses and deliver them to Goodwill, but that probably is not common." A cache of dead hobos--there's an image!
June 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm
I'm a little disappointed that you didn't mention THE USED TISSUE you found in those pants!
June 14, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Last year, our local Goodwill had a bag full of clothes given to them in a Haz Mat bag. So nice that the Haz Mat team in the small town is given something to do.
http://www.bakersfield.com/blogs/breaking_news/x435864976/Yellow-bag-clears-out-Ridgecrest-Goodwill
June 14, 2011 at 9:22 pm
I'd always read "read" in the context of "(Read: filled with junk)" (5:55) as pronounced like "Reed," not "Red." Have I been reading this wrong, readers? Is this still debatable, or is Eric correct?
--Reeder
Oh, and good column--I thought it might have been funny to have ended abruptly after "so there you go," but it would have also been disappointingly short. So, good call there. Keep up the good work!
June 14, 2011 at 10:08 pm
I once bought a pair of jeans at Goodwill and found money in the pocket. Not much, but enough to pay for the pants! Also, there were both coins and bills; which means the jeans were not laundered.
June 15, 2011 at 12:03 am
There was a day in my life when I did service at the Goodwill sorting bins. I assure you that most people do not launder their clothes prior to donation, even their underwear or disreputable neglige. And now I need to go throw up and try to forget that day again.
June 15, 2011 at 5:01 am
When it comes to the slovenly in society, Dr Snider, you are the well-published expert.
June 15, 2011 at 12:14 pm
Well, I don't know about you crazy Oregonians or Utahns, but here at the Goodwill central processing center in DFW, Texas, everything usuable *is* washed before being sent out to the stores. The Hub took a tour of the Goodwill facilities not too long ago and was able to confirm that fact. Made him feel better about the fact that a good portion of the children's play clothes come from there.
Excellent column again, sir!
June 15, 2011 at 12:25 pm
grandtrash: Add it to our lexicon please! Thank you Eric D. Snider for making my life so rich and beautiful.
June 15, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Nice column, Eric. One of my favorites.
June 16, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Isn't a baby cheeseburger already a little like the crazy people who eat their placentas after giving birth? The less extreme ones just plant a tree with it, thus forcing a tree to be more carnivorous and bloodthirsty than its more mild-mannered counterparts.
June 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I just donated a bunch of stuff, and I made sure to wash it first and use fabric softener for extra freshness, just in case.
June 16, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Momma Snider, you are in top form. I can see where Eric gets his great wit from. BTW, hope your bionic knee is working out well for you.
June 17, 2011 at 1:12 pm
OMG !Alex You live in Ridgecrest! I am soooo sorry.
June 17, 2011 at 11:41 pm
Thanks, Frank! The knee is doing very well.
June 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Why would burgers made with babies even need cheese?
June 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I once got a pair of Air Force fatigues from DI to use in a play. During rehearsal, I put my hand in one of the cargo pockets and pulled out a pair of panties and a wad of Peruvian money. My screams were heard in Peru, where somewhere a stripper was wondering what happened to her panties . . .
August 18, 2011 at 12:28 am
That was the funniest thing I've ever read. I laughed so hard that I cried! My husband thinks I've lost my mind & doesn't understand why this was so hilarious given that we just went to goodwill today. Thanks for the laugh ?
October 27, 2011 at 10:15 am
Just to let you know, I used to work for goodwill. Out here in Ohio Goodwill actually does wash their donations. Just not at the store level. You donate to the truck, the truck goes to a warehouse, warehouse washes the clothes, clothes are distributed to stores. so if portland is anything like Ohio. You probably don't have hepatitis now. Congrats!