Leaving the House, and Why I Don't Want To

Snide Remarks #611

"Leaving the House, and Why I Don't Want To"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on May 18, 2009

I look forward to one day being a cranky old curmudgeon who doesn't leave his house except to get the newspaper and chase hooligans off his lawn. In fact, the only thing stopping me from living this way now is that I'm only in my 30s, and society frowns upon curmudgeonism before the age of 55.

No, but I'm exaggerating. I actually do like going places and being among people, especially at this time of year, when the weather is suitable for outdoor dining and pleasant evening strolls, and especially in Portland, a friendly city whose many, many thousands of panhandlers are generally not belligerent or dangerous. But to hear certain of my friends tell it, you'd think I never went out. This is because around here, "going out" usually means going to a bar or dance club, and this rarely appeals to me. Those places tend to be dimly lit and exceptionally loud, which is an odd way to spend time with people you like. Hey, let's go someplace dark and scream at each other! Maybe after that we could put in some earplugs and sit in a cave! And could we come out of it smelling like cigarettes? Perfect!

Nonetheless, I am occasionally drawn out into the world of hip young people for a good cause. A few weeks ago, a local film festival called PDX Fest had an event where about 20 Portland-area filmmakers had made music videos to accompany karaoke tracks, which audience members would then sign up to perform. Basically, it was regular karaoke, but with specially made music videos being projected on the wall behind the singers, perhaps to distract the audience from the otherwise inescapable truth that they were wasting an evening watching karaoke.

Like all sensible people, I hate karaoke. It is primarily an avenue for people who cannot sing to demonstrate that fact, assaulting innocent bystanders while they try to enjoy a relaxing meal or adult beverage. Karaoke singers are the musical equivalent of flashers, exposing themselves to strangers only because they can't find anyone willing to look at them voluntarily. The people with good singing voices usually find other ways to show it; karaoke is a last resort. Sure, you get the occasional good performance. And sometimes there's corn in my poop, too. So what?

Anyway, I went to this karaoke event because a friend of mine had made one of the videos and, while I don't condone his lifestyle (i.e., making karaoke videos), I wanted to give the illusion of being supportive. The event was held at a trendy bar/dance club/music venue called Holocene, which I naturally assumed, from its name, would have a Holocaust theme to it, but I found nothing in the decor or architecture that even hinted at Hitler's Final Solution. Instead, it's your basic trendy bar/dance club/music venue, where the smells of a thousand colognes and perfumes intermingle as too many people squeeze past one another to gain access to the bar so they can spend too much on drinks that are too small, whereupon they squeeze past one another again to move to another part of the venue so they can sip and spill those drinks while standing next to friends, looking around coolly at the room but unable to converse because of the thumping, bass-heavy din coming from the absurdly over-amplified sound system. Tonight, the only difference was that karaoke had been added. Oh, the things I do to pretend to support my friends!

Even in the days of my youth, I was never much for "going out" as it's defined here. I seldom even went to rock concerts. With few exceptions, watching people perform music just doesn't interest me. To me, it's like listening to someone dance. And even when the musician puts on a show that is visually appealing, there's also the fact that you usually have to stand up the whole time, which is very tiring and often unnecessary. Frequently, you pay good money for an actual chair to sit in, and then everybody stands anyway, and you have to stand, too, or you won't be able to see. And if you can't see, you might as well be at home listening to the performer's CDs. For free. Without having to leave the house. You see my dilemma. Now get off my lawn!

I made an exception to my usual policy last Friday night and went to Portland's Roseland Theater to see a performance by Ben Folds, one of my musical idols and a consummate tickler of ivories. (He plays the piano, too.) (BA-ZOING!) My friend Mark went with me, prepared to stand with the other general-admission ticket-holders on the main floor, but we discovered that upstairs in the balcony are three rows of general admission seats. We would not be as close to Ben Folds and his sweaty pianistic exertions, but we wouldn't have to stand up and crane our necks for three hours, either, and Mark and I are both not as young as we once were. (Especially Mark. I'm just sayin'.)

The show was fantastic, full of energy and passion that was briefly supplemented when a fight almost broke out in the balcony, right in front of Mark and me. You wouldn't think a Ben Folds crowd would be prone to fisticuffs -- "I say he's playing an F-sharp diminished 7th!" "You're wrong! It's an F-sharp minor 7th flat 5th!" -- but there you go.

Midway through the show, I was reminded that one of the problems with going out in public is that out in public is where the other people are, and sometimes the other people are idiots. Specifically, there were two young women who had evidently come to the Ben Folds concert just so they could drink beer out of plastic cups and chat with each other. First they sat in a couple of reserved seats, hoping the ticket-holders would never show up, which of course they did, and the freeloaders were evicted back to the general-admission section, where they belonged. Then I guess they decided that if they couldn't have the seats they weren't entitled to, there was no point in paying attention to the concert at all, and they might as well stand in the back and talk. This they did, yakking without cessation and at high volume -- they had to yell to hear each other over the music, of course -- for a solid 90 minutes while Ben Folds put on his show. Every now and then, they would stop talking long enough for one of the girls to yell, "Woooooooo!," as if to assure Ben Folds that while their actions might suggest otherwise, they were indeed deeply interested in his performance.

All things considered, though, I enjoyed going out. I really should go out more. My pledge is that from now on, when friends invite me to do things, I will follow Jim Carrey's example in the movie "Yes Man": I'll tell them yes, and then make them wonder why I'm not as funny as I used to be. OH SNAP!

Notes:

If you're wondering, an F-sharp diminished 7th chord is F#, A, C, and D#. An F-sharp minor 7th flat 5th is F#, A, C, and E. That half-step between D# and E makes all the difference, though I don't know if anyone would really get into a fight about it.

As of Jan. 1, you can't smoke indoors in Oregon anymore, which has made going out quite a bit more pleasant. I might feel differently if I were a smoker, but I'm not, and I am only interested in how things affect me personally.

I think a couple jokes in this column are kind of offensive. If I were me, I would cut them out before I published it.

This item has 28 comments

Jenn says:
May 18, 2009 at 12:33 am
Luckily you're still not in Utah, because then you could claim the title of curmudgeon in your 30's. Especially if you're still single in your 30's. Of course, that also means that everyone can talk about what's wrong with you, because you're in your 30's & not married, but hey...you get to kick their kids off your lawn.
Nate says:
May 18, 2009 at 12:53 am
This is sweet:

Ben Folds Fake: http://improveverywhere.com/2006/11/19/ben-folds-fake/
Savvy Veteran says:
May 18, 2009 at 2:03 am
"sweaty pianistic exertions" has now been added to the pantheon of Phrases That Sound Absurdly Dirty But Actually Aren't, and will hopefully be used gleefully by me during regular conversation in the near future.

Thanks for the new Snide Remarks. They are officially my favorite thing that I get for free (distant second: music downloaded illegally from the internet).
A Bored Guy says:
May 18, 2009 at 6:30 am
I loved the little side comment, "And sometimes there's corn in my poop, too. So what?"

I keep coming back to see what funny little paths you will take us down next.

From one 30 year old curmudgeon to antoher, keep up the great work Eric!
Lane says:
May 18, 2009 at 7:25 am
"Karaoke singers are the musical equivalent of flashers, exposing themselves to strangers only because they can't find anyone willing to look at them voluntarily."

All of paragraph four was my favorite. Maybe if you went out more, you'd be more inspired to write more of these Snide Remarkses.
Eric says:
May 18, 2009 at 7:55 am
It's great to wake up and have a new email on my phone, especially from Mr. Snider...it reminds me of reading snide remarks in the paper when you lived in Utah. Nothing lime laughing on the toilet, it helps the shy ones to drop out..:)
GWGumby says:
May 18, 2009 at 8:31 am
It was attending a Ben Folds concert about 6 years ago that told me I was too old to put up with crowds any more and I'm the same age as Eric is now. He's great to watch live, but having to pay a large sum of money to stand in the middle of a room amongst sweaty drunk people just to see him play the piano is not quite worth the effort any more.
Snide Addict says:
May 18, 2009 at 10:39 am
A large mouth full of water and the paragraph four corn reference made for a very wet key board. Thanks Eric!! I have been longing for a new Snide Remarks, and almost pee'd my pants when I saw a new one. Yea Monday new release day!!
Linda says:
May 18, 2009 at 11:46 am
Laughed through this whole post, very entertaining. I especially enjoyed your description of karaoke, dead on. Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise dismal Monday!
DaleD says:
May 18, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Right.

So...who is Ben Folds?

(Yikes, I must really be old! By Eric's standards, I AM a fully fledged, completely authorized and sanctioned curmudgeon!)

DaleD
Richard says:
May 18, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Mr. Snider, I love your Remarkses and your movie reviews.

My wife loves you too, and often reads one of your movie reviews to me WHILE we're watching it.

Thanks for adding so many laughs!
Q says:
May 18, 2009 at 1:27 pm
My favorite line was:

"With few exceptions, watching people perform music just doesn't interest me. To me, it's like listening to someone dance."

Also, they were probably fighting at the concert about Mac vs. PC.
Auntie Beth says:
May 18, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Well I feel priveleged to have attended the B-52's/They Might Be Giants concert with you several years ago. And yes, we did have to pay for seats but had to stand so that we could see. And I think I took you to a Weird Al concert, too. So that must be the extent of your concert-goings....
UncleX says:
May 18, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Eric, I have no doubt that you will turn into a fine curmudgeon when your time comes...but don't rush it! A great column!!!
Laurie says:
May 18, 2009 at 7:15 pm
As a music nerd, I'm pretty sure that the F-sharp diminished 7th chord is notated F-sharp, A, C, and E-flat, not D-sharp. Because adding a 7th to the F-sharp triad means adding some form of E (flat, sharp or natural). Since it's a diminished 7th, you add a flat to the E. (D-sharp is the enharmonic 6th.)

And the F-sharp minor 7th flat-5th is notated as F-sharp, A, C, and E-flat.
So actually, there's no difference between the two chords.
UncleX says:
May 18, 2009 at 10:23 pm
As a wannabe music nerd myself, I think your music theory is correct, so why are you always trying to start an argument?!?! This is nothing more than a more complicated version of the old Am7-C6 thing that still confuses me....st least that one is all white notes, making it easier to play, nothing against the black notes......
Eric D. Snider says:
May 18, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Laurie (#15) (not the same Laurie who's my mom, by the way): Fair enough on it being Eb rather than D#. But I'm afraid you're wrong about the F#min7b5, and I'm right.

An F#min chord is F#, A, C#. An F#min7 chord is F#, A, C#, E. Flat the 5th from a C# to a C and you have what I said: F#, A, C, E. For further reference, see this chord chart.
UncleX says:
May 18, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Well, an E is actually an F# double flat, so what is the point? You people sound like you are nerdy enough to answer me this, does an E flat sound any different that a D sharp, to the naked ear?
~Sara~ says:
May 19, 2009 at 9:38 am
Fight! Fight! Fight! (Too funny!)
purplemonkeydishwasher says:
May 19, 2009 at 10:36 am
I think if I said "sweaty pianistic exertions" in front of my mom, she would slap me.
He says, She says says:
May 20, 2009 at 10:39 am
All good things have their bad sides.
And karaoke is music's very bad side.

YAY Snide Remarks!
thinkdifferent says:
May 20, 2009 at 11:00 am
Eric, even though I've never met you and never will, I'm pretty sure I love you.
Valerie says:
May 21, 2009 at 7:58 pm
YAY BEN FOLDS!! I know that he wasn't really the main point of the article but he's my favorite! I've seen him live I think 7 times and it's always such an awful ordeal, as it is for most rock concerts. Standing in line outside, then standing inside waiting for the show to start, then standing through several usually mediocre openers (there were FOUR openers the last time I saw Ben Folds, the first three of which were just awful. I pretty much wanted to die) while someone's elbow is sticking into your ribcage and sweaty people keep pushing past you...anyway I'm always pacified by Ben's performance but it would be nice if there was some other system of concert-going that made everything less painful.
Michael says:
May 24, 2009 at 6:29 pm
All things considered?! Is this a plug for NPR? hmm...
Laurie says:
May 27, 2009 at 2:35 pm
UncleX: An E flat sounds the same as a D sharp. It's called 'enharmonic.' And yes, my ears are naked.

Eric: You know everything about everything! Or is it just Google? . . . Anyhoo, I luuurve your blog and Snide Remarks.
Oliver says:
June 23, 2009 at 1:42 am
Webster says that the proper usage is curmudgeonliness as opposed to curmugeonism.
Eric says:
June 23, 2009 at 11:19 am
Sure, but "curmudgeonism" makes it sound like a religion, which is much funnier.
Melanie Addington says:
June 26, 2009 at 8:20 pm
"Like all sensible people, I hate karaoke."

I'm not sure why but this seems to be one of the smartest things I've read in your work.

As for where the karaoke was held - with a name like Holocene - it would have been way more cool to have a Holocaust theme. Now that would be a reason to go out and scream loudly and sing poorly at friends.

This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.

Eric D. Snider