(Editor's Note: We regret that we even need to do this, but we would like to state up front that this column is SATIRE. Eric D. Snider doesn't really think most of the things he says here. We're not entirely sure what he does think, but it's not this. Got it?)

To the editor:

I am writing because I am shocked and dismayed at the lack of good taste you showed in running an advertisement in Thursday's paper for a video store that is known to carry R-rated movies. Isn't this the Lord's University? I thought I was safe from such purveyors of smut when I moved to BYU from Kuna, Idaho. I guess I was wrong.

I also think it is outrageous that people think caffeine shouldn't be sold on campus. There has never been any official Church doctrine saying we can't drink caffeine. So why doesn't the bookstore sell Jolt Cola, Mountain Dew, or pure, crystalized caffeine, the kind you can smoke? These people need to chill out and stop acting "holier-than-thou," and stop making up doctrines that the Brethren haven't declared. This is a university, not a seminary.

And speaking of BYU policies, how can BYU show R-rated movies in the Varsity Theater, and yet refuse to show naked people carved in stone in the Museum of Art? If something is artistic, then it cannot possibly be pornographic. How can people get "turned on" by a work of art? That's just sick, if you ask me.

When I was a missionary in Gomorrah, France, we went to the Museum of Nudity every other P-day, and it was always a beautiful, uplifting experience. My mission president encouraged us to go there. The only part of it I couldn't condone was any work of art depicting homosexuals, or painted by homosexuals, or with any pink or lavender in it, which of course are the colors worn by homosexual gangs, as prophecied in "Odd Prophecies Spoken by General Authorities' Relatives, Volume 3," which I have never actually read, but which I saw quoted in an anti-Mormon pamphlet once. Homosexuals should be rounded up and shot like dogs, even if they're only homosexuals in thought and not in deed -- in fact, if they even have FRIENDS who are guys, or if they liked "In & Out," that's close enough, shoot 'em. Any man who wants to have a celestial marriage should only associate with women, and no men at all, and anyone who thinks otherwise obviously must be a homosexual himself, or else he would get himself in line with the Brethren's thinking.

Sure, modesty is important. But even still, people shouldn't get so worked up over whether or not students' shorts are the right length. One's spirituality is not determined by the length of one's shorts. It is determined by the amount of facial hair a person has, and of course they should have none, at least not if they want to have a temple recommend, because none of the Brethren have facial hair, and we're supposed to be emulating them in every way, except when it comes to living in Utah, because everyone knows that Salt Lake City will eventually become the most wicked city in the world, thanks largely to all the "Utah Mormons" who are corrupting it. To prove this point, I would like to share the following obscure quote from a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy who died in 1871 and who said this while he was under heavy anesthesia: "Somebody get these spiders off of me!"

I'm a member of the LDS Church in good standing, but I don't see why LeMar's shouldn't be allowed to have nude dancers if they want to. I won't go see them, of course, but there are people who would want to, and anything people want to be able to do, there should be an opportunity for them to do it. Who are we to judge? We should be less judgmental, and allow purveyors of smut to operate here if they want to. I thought I would be safe from such narrow-mindedness when I moved here from Bangladesh, but I guess I was wrong.

I would like to point out also that there has never been any official Church doctrine saying we can't whack off our fingers with hatchets. So why doesn't the bookstore sell hatchets? I would like some answers, and I would like them now. If someone thinks we shouldn't be whacking off our fingers with hatchets, then I hear there are plenty of spaces open at Berkeley. Take your radical ideas someplace else, and I'll pray for your soul.

And while I'm on the subject, the other day I was walking into the bookstore, and the person who walked in ahead of me allowed the door to swing closed behind him, rather than giving it that half-push that you're supposed to do to make it easier for the person coming in after you. Sure, both of my arms work fine, and I'm in good health, and I wasn't carrying any packages. But that's beside the point. Don't the scriptures say to "open thy doors for thy brethren"? No, they don't, but that's exactly my point. This person wasn't being very Christ-like, and to that I say shame on you, sir. I thought when I moved to BYU from off the surface of the moon that people would be nicer and more door-opening-er, but I guess I was mistaken. I am ashamed to call myself a BYU student today. Tomorrow, I may feel differently.