Things are heating up on the cereal aisle at the grocery store, and I don't mean that literally, except in the case of instant oatmeal and I guess Pop-Tarts, which can be eaten warm but are fine without being heated, too. But the heating up I refer to is the fiery pace at which the major brands are introducing variations on their established products, everyone trying to destroy the competition and become the dominant force in the cutthroat cereal industry.
The sugar cereals are the most popular, of course, partly because children like sugar and partly because children like commercials that feature cartoon characters. I really think that's half the battle right there. You get an animated spokesperson, the kids will want whatever you're selling. Little packs of sugar-sweetened goat hair? Those things will fly off the shelves once kids see commercials starring Butty the Hairless Goat!
So because sugar cereals are the most popular, the more ordinary cereals have to find ways to compete. Cheerios, in particular, has gone just insane with the new varieties. I tolerated Honey Nut Cheerios when it came out in 1979, largely because I don't like honey or nuts and hence had no interest in trying Honey Nut Cheerios. I was a little envious that the Honey Nut variety had an animated spokesperson while the original, superior version did not, but what could I do? I was 5 years old, for crying out loud. Cut me some slack.
In 1988, the next variety came out: Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Everyone liked them better the first time, when they were called Apple Jacks. Next!
In 1995 the people at General Mills decided that they should take the one good thing Cheerios had going for them -- a very low sugar content -- and ruin it, just completely poop all over it. Hence, Frosted Cheerios, which are ordinary healthy Cheerios smothered in sugar. In 2003 we got four different incarnations of Berry Burst Cheerios (strawberry, strawberry banana, cherry vanilla and triple berry, and I'm sure I don't need to point out that bananas and vanilla are not berries); 2005 brought Yogurt Burst Cheerios (vanilla or strawberry "yogurt" slathered onto the O's); and now the very latest, Fruity Cheerios.
Fruity Cheerios are little rings in several different colors. They look suspiciously familiar. The front of the box makes this declarative statement: "25% less sugar than the leading fruity cereal." And I'm thinking: Oh, SNAP, Froot Loops! They totally just called you out! What a passive-aggressive slogan! It's like, "We're not naming any names here, but, um, we have 25 percent less sugar than a certain other fruity cereal we could mention. We're just sayin'." And the people at Kellogg's are like, "B****es did NOT just diss us!" And General Mills is all, "Don't be hatin', we just keepin' it real," and Kellogg's is like, "Whateva. Maybe if you put MORE sugar if yo nasty-a** fruity cereal, people might be BUYIN' it," and then Post is totally on the floor laughing, and General Mills is like, "Whatchoo laughin' at, Fruity Pebbles? Ain't you got some Flintstones to go be watchin'?," and then Quaker Oats pulls out a gun.
And thus the battle escalates. Because the non-sugar cereals are getting better at competing with the sugar cereals, the sugar cereals have to amp up their own products, too. Take Cookie Crisp, for example. This is already a joke of a cereal, made exclusively for unhealthful adults and unsupervised children. It has the word "cookie" RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME. No mother buys this for her children unless she likes seeing them bounce off the walls on a sugar high. (Fathers, on the other hand, probably buy it when they get sent to do the grocery shopping. "Cookies!" they say. "For breakfast!")
Now, when your breakfast cereal consists of nothing more than tiny chocolate chip cookies, I would think you've gone about as far as you can go in the field of delivering unhealthy food to children. But that's why I am not a cereal manufacturer. Because now General Mills has unveiled Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp, with twice as much artificial chocolate flavor as before! On the box is a cartoon drawing of a wolf who is licking his lips at the prospect of enjoying some Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp. Considering most children's knowledge of wolves is that they are sinister creatures who try to devour red-hooded girls in fairy tales, I'd say this is a pretty accurate cartoon spokesperson for this particular cereal.
The cereals that really amuse me are the generic brands that try to compete with the real ones. It's like they figured out how to duplicate the good cereals, and then figured out a way to do it so it would be cheaper and not taste as good. You have the generic store brands, there on the shelves next to the real brands, hoping to lure you away with the lower prices; and then you also have the REALLY generic cereals, the ones that are so cheap they can't even afford to put them in boxes. They just dump them into big plastic bags, slap a label on them, and pray somebody buys them.
The funny part is the names they come up with. It's always something that suggests the cereal it's an imitation of, without being so close as to be trademark infringement. For example, one of the Apple Jacks rip-offs is called Apple Dapples, and a Cheerios knock-off is Tasteeos.
I say, Why stop there? Why not get as close to the real cereal's name as you possibly can? The Apple Jacks rip-off shouldn't be called Apple Dapples. It should be called Shmapple Shmacks. The imitation Cheerios should be called Shmeerios. The Cocoa Puffs rip-off? Mocoa Muffs. That's right, Mocoa Muffs. Part of this malanced meakfast. Thank you and good night.
Hmm, I didn't think this one was all that funny... except for the Fruity Cheerios part. That was hilarious!
Gangsta cereal wars -- priceless!
Aside from that paragraph, the column reads like a standup routine in that it's pointing out obvious stuff we see every day and don't really think about, without actually saying, "So what's the deal with generic cereal?" I liked it.
Your article appears to be missing the infamous Multi-Grain Cheerios which, despite the name, are actually less-healthy than the normal variety.
Reminds me of an old AFI song called "Cereal Wars" from back when they were street punk. I looked up the lyrics but will spare you because they just don't seem as cool as I remembered.
I thought it was funny, and had noticed the emergence of Fruity Cheerios while at my sister's house a few weeks ago. I had the same thought "What's the difference between this and Froot Loops?" and saw the same little claim.
The inability of generics to compete with brand names is more evident with Lucky Charms than any other. Only Target's store brand comes close, although they use a puffier oat than General Mills. Anyway, the original is the best.
Eric:
Total homerun. Miss you in the Daily Herald.
Thanks for giving me something to laugh about this morning. I admit it--I do buy the cereal in the bags. But I only get away with it because cereal is eaten so quickly at our house that no one has taken the time to complain.
Makes me want to sit down to a bowl of Shmapple Shmacks. Yummmm.
My poor kids had to eat Tasteeos when they were little -- and with powdered milk. It's no wonder Eric is eating Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp now.
I grew up eating Malt-O-Meal's Cheerios knockoff (which were called "Toasty O's" back in the day) and actually prefer them to the original. Real Cheerios taste off to me somehow.
Here's the part I like ... "and partly because children like commercials that feature cartoon characters." I realize now why "Chuck" Schwab is using cartoons to encourage investors, they are advertising to a far younger client base than I am in.
Sorry, not all that funny, except the gangster cereal war part.
I always dumped sugar on my cheerios anyway. My mom never bought sugar cereals so I adjusted by spooning sizable scoops of sucrose - just to make it unhealthy.
The generic frosted flakes are also called frosted flakes. Of course they are reffering to the accounting staff.
You neglected to mention my favorite Cheerios - Team Cheerios! They are actually delicious despite their odd name.
Momma Snider, I hope that you feel VERY guilty for making your children consume powdered milk in a time on non-emergency. For the record, the only emergency during which powdered milk is an acceptable food would be one in which all the cows on Earth vanished, Rapture-like, and left us all to suffer a bovine style Tribulation.
If I'm not mistaken I believe it "toasteoos" not "tasteoos".
About the flavors of Berry Burst Cheerios:
1. Strawberries and cherries aren't berries, in the botanical sense.
2. Bananas are a type of fruit called epigynous berries - though not true berries.
3. Vanilla definitely is not a berry, though it does come from the seed of a fruit.
Regarding AdamOndi's comment:
Then now is the time: http://www.cowabduction.com/
When I was growing up, we couldn't have sugar cereals by themselves. My mom bought the stuff in the bags and mixed them with their healthier counterpart, also from the bags. We had frosted flakes mixed with corn flakes, cheerios mixed with fruit loops, sugar puffs mixed with wheat puffs, and so on. AND, we had to eat it all with powdered milk. We only got real milk on vacation.
Not funny? Had I been eating cereal at the time I would have blown milk through my nose.
Butch: I've seen both "toasteoos" and "tasteoos"
Great job Eric! I sat back and laughed as I remembered the brands you mentioned and the advertising schemes. Your gangsta talk was pretty much right on. I am a schoolteacher and you sounded like some of my students from NYC. I was waiting for Quaker Oats to plug someone! Thanks for the laughs!
By the way, when are you going to review the movie "The Dinner Game"?
Do you think the regular Cookie Crisp--the single chocolatey, and, according to you, Eric, less-cookie-tasting--can now be considered diet/lower sugar/lower fat? By the way, does anyone know what branch of military service General Mills was with?
The funny thing about having comments after columns is when people write things like "Not all that funny." It is such an insightful thing, like someone yelling "You suck!" to someone performing or something like that. I think Eric should introduce a star rating system to make it easier for those people.Then you could decide to read only 1star columns one day if you so desired.
I do find it funny that each negative comment was tempered by something they actually liked: "That movie was not cool. Except for the story- that was cool."
I always hated Rasin Bran. If people wanted raisins in a breakfast cereal, they wouldn't be picking them out of cinnamon rolls and making weird faces when one of those gross little dried grapes slipped past their careful inspection.
Edward R. Murrow? How does he fit in with breakfast cereal?
Malt-O-Meal's "Cocoa Roos" are way better than "Cocoa Puffs"!
Happily, I stumbled across your article this morning. Otherwise, I would've been completely ignorant of this rapidly-escalating battle on the breakfast food front! I've never been a cereal person. Yogurt, eggs 'n bacon, cold pizza--sure! But cereal? No way. Thanks to your article, I now realize that this may be my mother's fault. Week after dreary week, she'd bring home healthy, on-sale cereals, often of the (gasp!) doubly generic, bagged variety. I'm going shopping tomorrow, and I may actually enter the war zone and pick out one of those name brand cereals targeted at unhealthful adults. Thanks for giving me the courage!
Generally funny, but I disagree with the "generic stuff sucks and no one buys it" jokes, making them somewhat less funny. At least here in Utah, the local stores have trouble keeping them in stock. On many occasions I've found that my kids' favorite, "Marshmallow Mateys", has been sold out while there were plenty of the original "Lucky Charms" still on the shelf.
Don't get me wrong, great site and love your movie reviews, but didn't you say something about bringing back the quality when you made Snide Remarks free? This just isn't funny. I suspect you secretly agree. Your spider bit from a few weeks back, on the other hand, was very funny. I told my wife, who had never visited your site, to read it. More spiders, less cereal.
I love cold cereal, but I have to admit I NEVER ate it when I was giving my kids powdered milk. And I still don't like it with any kind of non-fat milk. I'll buy store brands of certain cereals, but never, never anything but real Cheerios in the yellow box. There are some things up with which I will not put.
But as long as there are big families with small incomes, the generics are going to sell. We used to go through four boxes of cereal a week, and at the prices of name brands, I sure couldn't do that, then or now.
>I do find it funny that each negative comment was tempered by something they actually liked: "That movie was not cool. Except for the story- that was cool."
To me, much of it wasn't that funny, that part was. I didn't think I needed to really elaborate further. But if you want more description, then I think Audrey describing it like a standup routine is more of why I didn't find it that funny... Most 'didja ever notice' standup just isn't that funny. I mean, it's chuckle funny but not always really super clever funny or laugh out loud funny, which much of Eric's work is. Butty the Hairless Goat? I don't know... Not really that funny. Too obvious or random or something. Anyway, I can appreciate it as an amusingly observational, riffing on the cereal aisle perspective, but (for me) it just wasn't as funny as a lot of other columns have been. But then again, it had that one reeeeally funny part, so it may have actually balanced out in the end.
i was thinking (when the cereals were smack talking)...eh...kind of funny..but reminds me of jon stewart when he does this kind of thing...and it's not funny. but the payoff's in the last sentence. "and then quaker oats pulls out a gun." or whatever it was.
second...the last paragraph was very funny to me for reasons i will not disclose.
oh how i hope you read these comments, eric. these other eyes mean nothing to me.
nothing.
Great writing this week. The guy who recommends more spiders and less cereal leads me to realize a big part of whether you like an article is the mood you are in when you read it - I didn't much like the spider article when it was published, but upon re-reading it, now find it hilarious. Sometimes it's not the writer - it can just as easily be the audience.
Oh, my. Looks like a bonus of the comment system is people coming along and declaring columns not funny. I thought it was pretty good, but one thing is bugging me: Eric doesn't like nuts OR honey? I can see one or the other (my girlfriend loathes nuts in all forms). But both? I'm alerting both the peanut dude from Planter's and several bees I know personally.
I was under the impression that once I left my mother's tender care and oatmeal, I could buy my kids anything they wanted for breakfast. (Yeah, I can eat a whole bag of Frooty Frosted Sugar Sweets in one sitting.) Then I forgot I married a woman. Grape Nuts flakes?
A lot of generic cereals taste just as good as the name brands, and I say this because I know. I am from one of those big families with small incomes, and we eat a lot of cereal (8 kids, buddy, how could we not?). And sometimes it's name brand that was on sale, and it pretty much tastes the same. Except I agree about the Lucky Charms generics--a lot of those don't taste as good.
But I still vividly remember a field trip to a marshmallow factory in my youth, in which I learned that a lot of products are made in the same factory with the same recipe and just packaged in different boxes. So if you buy Disney marshmallows, you are paying approximately 90% more money just for the picture of Mickey, as opposed to the factory brand, Kidd's marshmallows, which are exactly the same and much, much cheaper.
There's really no way to tell. If you look at the cereal boxes they just tell you who distributes it, not where the cereal was made. So . . .
Um, anyway. I liked it. The one paragraph reminded me of that scene in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Everything was very stand-up, though. Reminded me of Gary Gulman and his rants about cookies. Which I enjoyed.
I miss Gary.
'Kay, I'm done.
I'm still waiting for someone to make and market "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" a la Calvin and Hobbes.
For something to be funny, I must agree with its underlying point. I think private-label ready-to-eat cereals are tasty; therefore, I can't find that bit funny. For the same reason, I find the bit about cereal wars funny only because the managers who run corporations that manufacture cereals are, in fact, trash-talkin' gangstas. If I agree, it's funny. If I disagree, it's not funny. (The extra sarcasm is brought to you by the friendly folks at www.appreciateitforwhatitis.com)
>For the record, the only emergency during which powdered milk is an acceptable food would be one in which all the cows on Earth vanished, Rapture-like, and left us all to suffer a bovine style Tribulation.
How bout when milk costs $8.50/gallon (not a typo) at the local store? Or does that qualify as an emergency?
I had not read any of this until today, or even known it existed, but a friend linked me to an article. I must say, I think it shall be a part of my daily reading/procrastinating. Thank you so much for the laughs!
P.S. I never could stand Honey Nut Cheerios. Then again, I never liked any sweetened cereal as a kid.
The Gangsta Cereal Wars just made me laugh out loud right here in the computer lab, where it is expressly required that I be quiet.
Thanks for getting me in trouble.
Also, I too have been wondering what the heck is the reason behind so much diversification going on with products these days. It's like companies (especially food companies) have a department that is forced to come up with a new twist on Cheerios or Twizzlers or mexican food every other week on pain of death. And then 95% of the New and Improved products disappear within a couple months.
Another symptom of our attention span-lacking society? Maybe.
Hee! That was Hi.Lar.I.Ous. My favorite part was definitely the escalating wars between the cereal and all their smack talk. Hooray for smack talk!
I think that Quaker being the one to pull the gun is especially delicious.
You forgot about Cinnimon Toast Crunch! "The taste you can see!", as the slogan says. #1 in cereal with sugar (i think).
I ate cookie crisp as a kid. Then a few weeks ago bought them at the store. (I'm a dad now) When I got home I got busted by the wife for buying that sugarcrap. I considered it funny reading it here.
"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk brown."
-Calvin
"# Bret says:
October 24th at 4:42 pm
>For the record, the only emergency during which powdered milk is an acceptable food would be one in which all the cows on Earth vanished, Rapture-like, and left us all to suffer a bovine style Tribulation.
How bout when milk costs $8.50/gallon (not a typo) at the local store? Or does that qualify as an emergency?"
Well, Bret, I have the misfortune of being lactose intolerant, which means the only form of milk that I can drink without severe pain later is Lactaid brand milk. It only comes in half gallon cartons, and costs between 3.69 and 3.99 per half gallon. That means it costs between 7.38 and 7.98 per gallon. So no, milk costing $8.50 a gallon at the store would not qualify as an emergency to me. And it STILL does not justify the infliction of powdered milk on anyone.
Very good column, I fell out of my chair laughing. Reminds me of the time when I was a freshman at BYU and our dorm floor had a Marshmallow Mateys marathon. I ate 16 bowls in 24 hours. Mayor Billings sent us a letter declaring that day "Marshmallow Mateys Day" in Provo. Good times.
This WAS funny. Anyone remember WaffleOs?
The sad thing about Marshmallow Mateys is the oft seen circumstance when the Marshwmallows are gone and the Mateys are still waiting, lonely in the bottom of the bag.
16 bowls in 24 hours. Whoopedydoo. I eat that 3 or 4 everytime I get down wit da LC (lucky charms). Just imagine what I could do if I was trying!
Everytime Eric ends with "Thank you and good night," I hear applause, like Eric just finished some sort of hilarious beat stand-up marathon.
PEOPLE!
Ken??? Did you just drop that stat about Cinnamon Toast Crunch being #1 in sugar? Man, some people need to leave the worthless trivia behind and GET A JOB THAT PAYS REAL MONEY! Either that or become Eric's statistics dept. (It's not like that trivia stuff will get anybody anywhere anyway.)
"Clinton King says:
October 27th at 11:57 am
Very good column, I fell out of my chair laughing. Reminds me of the time when I was a freshman at BYU and our dorm floor had a Marshmallow Mateys marathon. I ate 16 bowls in 24 hours. Mayor Billings sent us a letter declaring that day "Marshmallow Mateys Day" in Provo. Good times."
And that would mean you lived in Merrill Hall and your RA would have been Fernando? Yeah, I was there that day cheering you guys on. I was an RA in Stover that year.
I love humorous essays on breakfast foods. Keep up the good work!
Marshmallow Mateys!!! I miss Provo! You can't get good cereal like that here in Georgia. Although, we always referred to them as Marshmallow Meaties, which gives a far better impression. Bacon flavored marshmallows, steak flavored marshmallows and chicken nugget marshmallows, a bowl full of milk... thats good eatin'!
I think Marshmallow Mates are WAY better than Lucky Charms. but you can't get better than Golden Grahams.
Okay. I have to comment now. As far as the marshmallow cereals go, in my opinion, the Magic Twinkles (perhaps a Jewel/Osco generic?) brand is the best I've found. Even when the marshmallows are gone, the remaining stars are still good.
Also, the best sugary cereal, in my opinion, is the one that combines both chocolate and marshmallows: Count Chocula. Delicious!
I enjoy the fact that the cereal article has garnered the most interest. azQ43342Z#2Z2CX
That last part was typed by my daughter. She is only 8 months old, but eagerly awaits the day she can be muckoo for mocoa muffs!
@Laura - my best friend's family was similar to yours. 8 kids, not enough money to buy real brands. However, I say that your assessment is totally false. It only tastes the same because you aren't used to the real thing. I could hardly eat cereal at their house; it all tasted like cardboard. They also insisted that orange juice was totally fine with an extra can of water in it. Trust me, it isn't. Man, I'm so spoiled.
I EMAILING BECAUSE I WANT GENERAL MILLS TO START BACK MAKING VANILLA COOKIE CRISP CEREAL...THIS IS THE BEST CEREAL IN THE WORLD!!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY EVER STOP MAKING IT..PLEASE GENERAL MILLS YOU OWE THIS TO US GROWN UPS WHO ATE THE BEST CEREALS AS KIDS.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Comments & Reaction:
The Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp is DELICIOUS, by the way. I always liked regular Cookie Crisp OK but never thought it actually tasted like cookies. The Double Chocolate version does taste like cookies. I can't imagine anything worse to eat for breakfast, but hey, my mom's not here to stop me.
I hope someone will draw a prototype of Butty the Hairless Goat for us all to enjoy.
For more information on the history of Cheerios, I recommend the Wikipedia entry. That's where I got some of the background information mentioned in this column -- and now that I've gotten the information, feel free to randomly change the entry to say false things. That's what Wikipedia is for.