My Body Is a Wonderland
Snide Remarks #626
"My Body Is a Wonderland"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on May 9, 2011
The human body is amazing. Mine is, anyway. Have you seen it? It's soft, lumpy, and hairy, like somebody dropped a big ball of bread dough in a pile of barbershop sweepings.
I take good care of my body, providing it with only the finest Hot Pockets and Frosted Mini-Wheats, with plenty of Oreo filling to keep the joints lubricated. But even a well-maintained machine occasionally malfunctions, and such was the case several weeks ago, when I suddenly found myself "sick at both ends," as the saying goes. (The saying means that I was vomiting and pooping.) The expression "sick at both ends" sounds like it should indicate being ill at your head and your feet, but it turns out the butt also qualifies as an "end," anatomically speaking, despite being located closer to the middle. As I said, the human body is amazing.
The illness was ill-timed. The best time to get sick, of course, is when it causes you to miss something you didn't want to do anyway, such as attending a co-worker's wedding reception or a friend's poetry reading. But I was supposed to be flying to another state for the weekend for a friend's 40th birthday party, and this was something I very much did want to do. But how could I get on an airplane in my current condition? Surely the change in cabin pressure would make me explode, and that's if I even managed to get my volatile contents past airport security. Even if I made it to my friend's house, I'd just be sick there instead of at home, and that wouldn't help anybody. It was Well Eric who'd been invited to the party, not Sick Eric.
So I didn't go -- and then I was afraid I just had food poisoning, and that I was going to wake up the next morning feeling fine and wishing I'd gotten on the plane. Our bodies, as amazing as they are, can be real bastards like that sometimes. Luckily, I woke up the next morning still feeling barfy and poopy, and these conditions lasted for most of the weekend. My decision not to take the trip was vindicated. My decision to trade all my Pepto-Bismol for magic beans, less so.
I did have food poisoning several years ago. It caused a terrible thing to happen. I am about to describe that terrible thing to you so that you will understand. You know how sometimes the force of a sneeze can make you break wind at the same time? It was like that, but on a more, shall we say, colorful scale. I had hurried into my bathroom, urgently aware that two events of great magnitude were about to occur but uncertain which was more imminent, and doubtful of my ability to influence the timeline anyway. And then ... and then. Imagine if you took a tube of toothpaste, cut the bottom off of it, removed the cap, then held the tube in the middle and squeezed. Yes, imagine that. Imagine that good and hard. That's what it was like. Fortunately, I'd had the foresight, when I stumbled into the bathroom, to strip naked, my instincts having alerted me that whatever devastation was to occur would be easier to clean up if no clothes were involved. Afterward, my bathroom had to be cordoned off as a crime scene, but at least I didn't have to do laundry. Now imagine that for a while. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Throwing up is terrible, even more so because there's no good reason for it. The human body has a very effective everyday system for removing toxins and other undesirable elements. It's called going No. 1 and No. 2. Vomiting is overkill. Oh, what, the stuff in your stomach is soooo bad it has to come out NOW, the same way it came in? It can't wait its turn and be processed like everything else, or even request expedited shipping? Please. Vomiting is just your stomach's way of being a drama queen. "Aaaah! Aaaahhh! Poison! Getitoutgetitoutgetitout!! Aaaaah!!" Get over yourself, stomach. It's not all about you.
But it's nice how life tends to provide highs to balance out the lows. For example, vomiting is an awful experience. But afterward, you get to rest your head against the cool, smooth bathroom floor -- something you would never consider doing normally, because eww, bathroom floor, but right after throwing up it is exactly what you want to do. Those cold tiles against your fevered face are just what the doctor ordered. This is why the Torah says that bathrooms should never be carpeted.
Like most people, whenever I throw up, I think about my mom. It's a holdover from childhood. You want your mom to fix you when you get sick as a kid, and you never really grow out of that. My parents had six children, so there was never a shortage of vile substances being spewed from one shrieking orifice or another. Looking back now, I don't know how they put up with it. When one of us would get sick we'd do that thing where you're moaning and saying "Mom" at the same time -- "Mo-o-o-o-om!" -- which must be music to a mother's ears. Or even worse: "Mo-o-o-om, I'm gonna throw up!" Because she needs to be on alert, I guess? "Mo-o-o-om, just FYI, I'm about to vomit, OK? So be ready. Be ready for that." It never occurred to me when I was a kid that my mom might not be interested in being present when I upchucked, nor in cleaning it up afterward. I just assumed it was part of her job as a mom. She loved being a mom; ergo, she loved dealing with puke. She must love changing diapers, too, I figured, or she wouldn't have kept having babies.
At some point after I became an adult, the subject arose and my mom confessed that she always hated being witness to a yakking, or even the aftermath of yak. I was actually astonished to learn this. If I had ever paused to give the matter even cursory consideration, I'd have realized that of course she hated it, because it was gross and normal people hate gross things. But it had never occurred to me. She'd never shown anything other than motherly compassion and tenderness when my siblings and I were sick, never let on that certain aspects of her job were decidedly unappealing. And if you think about it, that's one of the greatest gifts a mother can give her children: not letting them know how much they disgust her. Thanks, Mom!
(P.S. This was a Mother's Day column.)
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 32 comments
May 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Way to go Snide Mom! ...oh and I had actual tears in my eyes from laughing, Eric.
May 9, 2011 at 3:37 pm
What a sweet mother's day column!!! :D
May 9, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Eww.
May 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm
As one who has cleaned up more than her fair share of upchuck, I confess I don't remember reading that in the original Motherhood Contract. It must hidden in the fine print. Right after the part about Math Homework and being the Tooth Fairy.
May 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm
Happy Mothers Day
May 9, 2011 at 4:38 pm
I was eating Cool Ranch Doritos when I began reading this. Now, not so much.
Who knew a column about puking could be so heartwarming?! Nice one, Mr. Snider.
May 9, 2011 at 4:39 pm
The paragraph that begins, "I did have food poisoning several years ago..." caused me to laugh so hard that I got funny looks from my co-workers as they passed my office. Thank you. And thank you also to adding a little levity to the recent experiences I've had as the mother of a virus-hoarding, potty-training toddler. If we don't laugh, we'll just...well, I don't know. I prefer to laugh.
May 9, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Absolutely hilarious. Thank you.
May 9, 2011 at 5:40 pm
I'm going to forward this to my kids. I'm sure it STILL hasn't occured to them that certain aspects of their upbringing were less than charming.
May 9, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Aww, moms are the best. I still call mine to take care of me when I have a truly heinous illness. I never thought about my mom being repulsed by all of our childhood illnesses until you mentioned it. Made me realize she's got a great poker face & a really strong stomach!
May 9, 2011 at 8:07 pm
"This is why the Torah says that bathrooms should never be carpeted."
HAHAHAAAA, omg Snider!!! CLASSIC!! XD
May 9, 2011 at 8:09 pm
No credit to Bill Cosby for the "cool-bathroom-tile-after-vomiting" joke? Scandalous.
May 9, 2011 at 8:12 pm
No credit to Bill Cosby for the "cool-bathroom-tile-after-vomiting" joke? Scandalous.
I didn't know Cosby had made a joke like that, but I'm not surprised more than one person has noticed that it feels nice to lay one's head against a cold floor after barfing.
May 9, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Bill Cosby Himself. I highly recommend it.
May 9, 2011 at 8:38 pm
I saw "Bill Cosby Himself" a bunch of times when I was a kid, but I didn't remember anything about the cool bathroom tile after vomiting. Now I see why I didn't remember it, assuming this is an accurate transcript:
"Now that wave has stopped, you say "Oouough!" And you put your head on the side of the bowl...and you thank the toilet bowl! "Thank you, toilet bowl. Thank you for being so cool on the side. Only you understand me, toilet bowl. You're the only friend I have. My wonderful toilet bowl."
So we made jokes on the same general topic, but that's where the similarities end. I take joke-stealing very seriously! Do not pirate jokes, kids.
May 9, 2011 at 9:20 pm
It's a rare Mother's Day column that makes you say, "Awww" and "Eaaggh!" and laugh all at the same time.
May 9, 2011 at 9:37 pm
That song a few years ago - "Your Body is a Wonderland" - was that about you? I'm going to have to go back and listen to it again, but I don't think I like it as much now if it is ...
May 9, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Eric, you should submit this column to Reader's Digest or Hallmark for one of their delightful Mother's Day tributes. Is Reader's Digest still around?
May 9, 2011 at 10:11 pm
I'm glad mothers are this way. It allows us dads the opportunity to remind our children just how gross they are.
May 9, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Cool tile isn't only great for faces. It soothes the whole body. There have been nights when lying face-down on the bathroom floor was the only way my stomach would settle enough for me to sleep.
But that's as an adult. As a kid, all it took was Momma Snider (or, as I call her, Lady).
May 10, 2011 at 10:08 am
Brilliant, simply brilliant.
May 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Funny, that same gross-out factor developed through all the years of being a mom has made it impossible for me to even consider lying on the bathroom floor. Too many memories of little boys "sword" fighting or shooting flies...
Totally sweet Mother's Day column, though!
May 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm
My wife is one of those moms who, when she sees one of our kids about to throw up, instinctively puts out her hands to catch the chunks. Yeah for moms!
May 11, 2011 at 12:19 am
I'll never brush my teeth again - at least not with toothpaste. At least you remembered Mother's Day on your posts. My post closest to Mother's Day let slip that I forgot about inviting my parents over for dinner a year ago.
May 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Hilarious. I have to say that I agree with Eric...Throwing up is overkill. I, personally, (hand on bible....or Torah) have not thrown up since 1st grade....I'm about to turn 32. It is my single most biggest fear now. I couldn't be NEAR anyone with barfy symptoms for fear of contracting such a terrible illness. Fast forward to now....I am a mother of two children. My oldest, go figure, is a pukiest kid I have EVER met. Throws up all the time. I can pretty much tolerate it now....see?....mothers are awesome. and yes, I will be calling my mom to come over and help me puke when the time comes.....which will happen I'm sure.
May 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm
Momma Snider, that has got to be my favorite comment.
I hope Eric writes a column that includes "sword fighting" soon.
May 12, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Vomiting is overkill, huh? You're right. Next time I throw up, I'm punching myself in the stomach. "Take that, jerk," I'll say.
May 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Thank you Momma Snider. Thank you...
Eric, you might have to get Momma Snider to write a guest column Snide Remarks one of these days. All she'd have to do is talk about "sword" fighting and shooting flies or some other Young Eric memory...
May 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Thanks, Tom and Steve. I believe I even have a picture of Eric and Chris sharing a brotherly game of Pee Shooter.
May 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm
As a mother of young children, I appreciate the announcement that vomit is coming. I'd much rather have a chance to at least lunge toward the child with the hope of not having vomit on the carpet or bed or even the chance of missing the slippery aftermath of those cold tiles when that child doesn't quite make it to the toilet. In those earliest years you were doing your mom a favor! You're right though that, eventually, this behavior should have stopped.
May 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Moms are absolutely wonderful. However in our home with ten, count'em, TEN children, I, as the dad, had the "privilege" of being the cleaner upper of yak. If my dear sweetheart wife got involved all she would do is add to the problem.
Funniest column ever!
May 24, 2011 at 2:31 am
This is one of my favourite Snide Remarks. The bit about vomiting was absolutely hilarious; "vomiting is just your stomach's way of being a drama queen", that's a one-liner! But the bit about moms was SO TRUE. It brought tears to my eyes and made me realize that we never truly appreciate the depth of a mother's love. Thank you, Eric, I'm calling my mom right away!