PETA, PETA, Kitten Eater
Snide Remarks #608
"PETA, PETA, Kitten Eater"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in EricDSnider.com on February 16, 2009
I was strolling through the neighborhood, breaking sparrows' necks with my bare hands and kicking squirrels into oncoming traffic, when I thought: What's PETA been up to lately?
You have to be careful when you ask that kind of question. PETA (People for the Ethical Tasting of Animals) is always up to some shenanigan or other, and its members, like all attention whores, thrive on publicity. (They also thrive on the blood of eagles, which they drink daily for its rejuvenating properties.) Like an annoying neighbor or a case of herpes, the best way to deal with PETA is usually to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist.
But sometimes it's hard to resist. For example, PETA recently launched a campaign to have fish renamed "sea kittens," on the premise that if fish seemed cuter, people wouldn't eat them. You would never eat a land kitten, after all! (Unless you live in one of the several countries where people eat cats all the time.) PETA reasons that surely the only thing standing between fish and total happiness is good P.R., hence the attempt at rebranding.
Like 100 percent of PETA's other campaigns, this one is obviously stupid. Even if they succeeded in getting people to think of fish as "sea kittens," it wouldn't make any difference as long as fish continued to be delicious. I'm not personally a big fan of seafood, but I do love fish sticks, and I would eat them even if the box were erroneously labeled "Van De Kamp's Deep-Fried Pieces of Your Mom." ("Pass me the Mom sticks," I'd say. "These are tasty!") As long as I knew they actually came from fish and not my mom, I wouldn't care what they were called. In fact, I'll take it a step further: If actual deep-fried pieces of my mom tasted like fish sticks, I would eat them. I'm sorry, Mom, but it's true.
PETA has a website set up to help you brainwash yourself into thinking of fish as sea kittens, just in case you have the inclination to systematically fill your head with lies and your cable system doesn't carry Fox News. PETA insists, "Sea kittens are just as intelligent (not to mention adorable) as dogs and cats," which is patently false. No one finds fish adorable. Only mammals are adorable. The best a fish can hope for is savory. And intelligent? If fish are so smart, how come they keep getting eaten? Huh? HUH?? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. I guess PETA hopes that if they keep repeating things that are obviously untrue, people will eventually start to believe them. I don't want to compare PETA to Hitler in that regard, but I have noticed that PETA is heavily in favor of the extermination of the Jews.
And hey, speaking of that, sort of, another thing PETA did recently was to send some of its goons to Manhattan to protest the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show by dressing in Ku Klux Klan costumes. Now, if the connection between a dog show and the KKK is not readily apparent to you, then I guess you support the wanton slaughter of animals. Nice going, animal-killer. The connection is that the Westminster Kennel Club and the KKK both foster the creation of pure bloodlines. The dog show wants purebred canines; the KKK wants purebred white people.
Why this is a problem, I don't know. (I mean purebred dogs. I know what the problem is with racism.) It has something to do with people breeding dogs to look a certain way, even if it results in health problems for the dogs. Like maybe you adore dogs with cute little snouts, and so you breed them in such a way that after a few generations their snouts are so tiny they can't even breathe. And then they only live a few days before they asphyxiate and die, but they're super-precious during that time. Seriously, just the cutest little blue-faced puppies you've ever seen, gasping for breath and whimpering as they stumble blindly around the house. Awww!
And in the meantime, perfectly good mutts get overlooked at animal shelters because all anybody wants is a dog with a pedigree. It's totally unfair. It's not the mutt's fault its parents were of dubious heritage, any more than it's my fault that my father's parents were hillbillies and my mother was made into fish sticks.
I can see where PETA is coming from on protesting the dog show, since dog shows are boring and the people who participate in them are insane. PETA went too far, of course, as is usually the case with them. I do find the whole thing interesting, though, because it's not often that you see PETA and the KKK mentioned in the same news story. They don't have much in common. One group is known for its propaganda, hypocrisy, stubborn narrow-mindedness, terrorist acts, and organized efforts to convert America to its radical ideology; and the other burns crosses on people's lawns. I really shouldn't pay so much attention to them. Honestly, making fun of PETA is like shooting sea kittens in a barrel.
This item has 52 comments
-
skye72 says:
February 16, 2009 at 1:36 amI don't know if it's because it's late, or if this Snide Remarks was just extra funny, but I'm laughing myself to tears right now. All the references were hilarious, but I just can't get past Eric's mom as fish sticks. :) And sea kittens? WTH?
-
benny says:
February 16, 2009 at 2:13 amIs it just coincidence that the advertisement on the right is for Van de Kamps fish sticks?+3
-
David Manning says:
February 16, 2009 at 3:58 amBah, I remember that "sea kittens" campaign from a few weeks ago. Just come out and endorse cannibalism, PETA. You know you want to...
-
Lohengrin says:
February 16, 2009 at 7:34 amWhere does PETA get funding? Seriously, who's dumb enough to fund sea kitten commercials? I don't like to start rumors, but PETA presumably sells drugs on the side.
That said, you've got to love America's crazy side.
-
Matt says:
February 16, 2009 at 7:45 amPETA bashing: always makes for a hilarious column. Chalk this one up as a major winner, Mr. Snider.
-
Thoughtful Observer says:
February 16, 2009 at 7:45 amI find fish to be both cute and delicious. I also find cows cute but love my steak rare. When will PETA learn that often the love of tastey tastey meat is more than enough to get over the cute food issue. And I used to be a vegetarian, so take that PETA!
-
Tara says:
February 16, 2009 at 7:51 amThis column was hilarious! I'm pretty sure some of my favorite columns are the ones about PETA. And seriously, sea kittens? Fish are super dumb. My husband went fishing once (catch and release) and caught the exact same fish twice in a row. I guess the first time wasn't traumatizing enough to teach it not to eat the suspicious, neon colored worms...
-
Nelson says:
February 16, 2009 at 7:56 amSea Kittens? Oh great, now I'm starving for fish sticks. I think PETA is just a surrealist performance art group, weird but not entertaining. Kind of like if you watched the vagina monologues through 3-d glasses whilst humming "It's a Man's World"
Which I often do.
-
Jacques says:
February 16, 2009 at 8:20 amIt may just be me, but I think this column has one of the best final punch-lines ever.
-
David says:
February 16, 2009 at 9:26 amJacques (6) is absolutely right - great ending to a great column!
-
La Yen says:
February 16, 2009 at 9:33 amMmmm...Eric's Mom Sticks.
-
Joshua Steimle says:
February 16, 2009 at 9:40 amA Brazilian friend of mine ate a cat once. He and a neighbor of his caught it and cooked it in a pressure cooker. Of course this was in Brazil where cooking cats is legal, I guess. He also started drinking whiskey when he was 5 years old.
-
Cheri says:
February 16, 2009 at 10:01 amSea kittens? Seriously? What is the matter with these people? That is the strangest thing I have ever read. Peta has got to get over themselves! I can understand protesting inhumane treatment of animals, but they are not going to get us to stop eating them just by changing their names, or making them appear sweet and cuddly. Ok, maybe it'll work on a few people, but anyone who has actually been around animals knows better. And even then, bunnies are cute and cuddly, until they learn to scratch, and I still have no qualms about eating them.
-
Cristina says:
February 16, 2009 at 10:09 amOk, I have been a vegetarian since I was seven years old, but that campaign is the biggest hunk of BS I have ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on.
-
Scott Weinberg says:
February 16, 2009 at 11:12 amI listened to the audio version on a loop last night. Falling asleep AND waking up to the voice of Eric Snider ... priceless.
-
Momma Snider says:
February 16, 2009 at 11:22 amI didn't know you liked fish sticks! And stay away from deep fried Mom sticks -- way too high in fat and cholesterol.
Hysterical column. Pants-wettingly funny.
-
spiceybiscuit says:
February 16, 2009 at 11:43 amfish sticks are tasty!
PETA should just stick to walking signs in front of companies that still conduct unncessary animal testing and the promotion of not shaving their legs...(not that I know this but I can image if someone is not eating meat and being organic, they probably don't shave either)...to busy making KKK costumes for events...
-
Jessie says:
February 16, 2009 at 11:47 amI love when you target PETA in your Snide Remarks column. Seriously, it makes my week.
-
Turkey says:
February 16, 2009 at 11:51 amFish are stupid as crap. That's why goldfish never get bored; they can't remember being alive two seconds before that so every single thing is new to them, every single time. Now that's stupid. I hate seafood, but I'm all for eating fish just out of spite.
-
Michael says:
February 16, 2009 at 12:49 pmI'm surprised you didn't mention the stories they have on that sea-kitten website. If you want a good laugh, read them. Click my name.
-
Marc says:
February 16, 2009 at 2:15 pmUmm...can I see where PETA is getting their information from about the intelligence of fish? Not that I don't believe them, but...
-
Kaydria says:
February 16, 2009 at 3:01 pmI think I'll have barbecued sea kitten tonight. The weather is perfect and I am seriously craving salmon now.
-
Christina D says:
February 16, 2009 at 3:03 pmI asked Mr. D to read our daughter a story before she went to bed the other night, and he read her the sea kitten story on PETA's website (he thought it was oh so funny). Luckily, she is only 10 months old, so it didn't affect her any. :D
Dog shows are actually kind of fun, I think. I participate in them with my Rhodesian Ridgebacks... and my husband has done it once as well. Very exhilarating in its own way.
:)
-
Samantha says:
February 16, 2009 at 4:08 pmThe name of my town is Spearfish. The local high school is named, shockingly, Spearfish High School. PETA, in its infinite wisdom, sent a letter to said high school asking them to change their name to Sea Kitten High School.
I don't believe they've ever been so relentlessly mocked.
Awesome column, by the way! :)
-
Kim says:
February 16, 2009 at 4:36 pmI'd pay good money for this kind of writing.
-
David Manning says:
February 16, 2009 at 4:51 pm@Scott Weinberg:
I did the exact same thing!
-
AdamOndi says:
February 16, 2009 at 5:25 pmWait a minute. Just sea kittens? Do the idiots at PETA realize that there are many types of fish that live in bodies of water other than the sea? Should we only embrace and cuddle the saltwater-based fish and kill and eat the freshwater fish that infest our ponds, lakes, and rivers?
Meh. Obviously PETA is full of nut jobs. If you want to support an organization that is actually concerned with humane treatment of animals rather than PETA-flavored self aggrandizement, look into the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA).
-
egyptnation says:
February 16, 2009 at 6:43 pmSorry Eric but you're a couple weeks late on this one; Colbert already made fun of this campaign by suggesting that we rename cats “landfish,” cows “field potatoes,” and owls “sky nachos.
-
AWOL says:
February 17, 2009 at 8:18 amDoes that mean we have to start calling cat fish cat kittens?
-
Ben C. says:
February 17, 2009 at 9:14 am@ Samantha
If they did change the name of the high school, it should be Spear Sea Kitten High School. PETA's plan will back-fire! hahahaha!
-
pizzatheface says:
February 17, 2009 at 9:30 amSo-o-o-o...if PETArds are opposed to the eating of animals based on the principle of "living things deserve not to be eaten", how do they justify eating plants? JUST BECAUSE PLANTS DON'T HAVE A NERVOUS SYSTEM MEANS THEY DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE?????
Also, PETA needs to campaign against other animals. Have you ever watched "Planet Earth"? It should be renamed "Animals Eat Each Other".
Sheesh.
-
Tatiana says:
February 17, 2009 at 12:15 pmI couldn't get over the picture of you eating deep-fried pieces of your own mother. In my mind you would do it in front of PETA, just to spite them. You'd rub your belly and make moaning sounds of delight, and they'd feel uncomfortable and bad about themselves for thinking they could convert such a formidable opponent as you. Then you'd finish, flash one last smile at them, and then go to the bathroom and throw up and cry because you'd just eaten your own mother.
But somehow the fish sticks became funny when you mentioned it again. Humor is weird.
-
Eric the Non-Snyder says:
February 17, 2009 at 12:31 pmIrreverant, and I laughed too hard and almost got into trouble at work.
So what will happen to Chicken of The Sea tuna? I'm not up on my ichthyology (yeah, look THAT word up!), but do other fish attack tuna the way kittens would attack chicken?
And what about the sea cow? Sea lion? Who says it's better down where its wetter, under the sea?
-
Lohengrin says:
February 17, 2009 at 12:56 pm#20
You are correct. That PETA story book about the happy yet cruel and harsh lives of Sea Kittens makes me laugh. (I loved the one with the Sea Kitten plotting revenge on the Real Kitten, particularly with the picture of a Real Kitten pie.)
I need some Sea Kitten flesh!
-
Jason L. Wright says:
February 17, 2009 at 3:19 pm"If fish are so smart, how come they keep getting eaten?"
If cat's are so smart, how come they keep getting run over by my car?
-
TheSympatheticDevil says:
February 17, 2009 at 4:05 pmWas I the only one who was vaguely relieved to see that Mamma Snyder posted at the end of this column?
-
Bags says:
February 17, 2009 at 6:59 pmYou sure they don't call them sea kittens to keep us from eating things we hate? I mean, I hate cats on the outside of me... I can't imagine how terrible one would be on the inside of me.
-
anthony david jacques says:
February 17, 2009 at 9:37 pmI would so shoot sea kittens in a barrel.
Course, I'd shoot any kind of kitten in a barrel.
-
peptidefarmer says:
February 17, 2009 at 9:59 pmHilarious column. I lawled out loud.
-
mommy says:
February 18, 2009 at 5:02 pmOh dear...I went shopping yesterday shortly after reading this article and didn't make the connection until now...I bought catfish.
hmmmm
I don't think this was the effect peta wanted...
-
Bob says:
February 18, 2009 at 8:06 pmPETA == comedy gold. And this one was really really good.
-
Insanad says:
February 19, 2009 at 5:38 pmPETA seems to be a PITA POS FUBAR organization and don't do animal rights any good by resorting to such fruity tactics. You shishkabobed them right good. How is your mom with a little tarter sauce and lemon?
-
Eric the Half-bee says:
February 20, 2009 at 10:33 amI had me a can of seakitten just the other day. With mayo. Shared it with my boy. I'd really like to find me a can of tuna-safe dolphin. And since we're renaming things, I'm arbitrarily renaming chickens "Tuna (seakitten?) of the Land," Clownfish will be clownseakittens; swordfish, swordseakittens; sailfish, sailseakittens; dogfish, dogseatkittens; and humuhumunukunukuapua'a would be, uh, the state sea kitten of Hawaii.
-
Emily says:
February 20, 2009 at 11:39 pmWhat's wrong with PETA? I love People for the Eating Tasty Animals. There's room for all of God's creatures - right next to the mashed potatoes! Woohoo!
-
Dad says:
February 21, 2009 at 6:34 pmGood job, Boy.
-
Izzie Cohen says:
February 22, 2009 at 10:19 amHahaha, wow
i also agree the PETA goes way to far in all of their campaigns. And seriously, the KKK thing totally crossed the line. That took it from being funny to inapropriate. Dont those folks realize what the KKK stand for? Oy!
-
Genevieve says:
February 25, 2009 at 12:27 pmFunny post Eric.
I wish PETA would just shush already. They make all animal lovers sound like crazies. It's not fair.
-
pizzatheface says:
February 26, 2009 at 8:58 amTheir website actually had the opposite effect on me and made me hungry for cat.
If I watch Mr. Rogers, Henrietta Pussycat makes me salivate.
Mmmmmmmm, kittens.
-
Global Warming says:
March 3, 2009 at 4:25 pmHere's hoping this column spawns a rash of comments from a pack of horse girl-like PETA lovers.
-
Q says:
March 9, 2009 at 3:09 pmHow do you know that deep-fried pieces of your mom *doesn't* taste like fish sticks?
-
hecowe says:
March 27, 2009 at 9:22 pmYour father's people were hillbillies?
-
Birdzilla says:
June 20, 2009 at 1:00 pmPETA please make sure your brains in your heads before you shoot off your big fat pieholes again
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Comments & Reaction:
I just wrote about PETA less than six months ago and was reluctant to visit the topic again so soon. But I got several e-mails from people alerting me to the sea kitten thing, and then there was the KKK thing, and, well, what could I do? I'm only human.