Receding Airlines
Snide Remarks #610
"Receding Airlines"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on April 6, 2009
Traveling is an ordeal. I don't know why anyone ever goes anywhere. Our ancestors had the right idea: live your entire life in the village where you were born, and if you venture out on a trek, assume you're going to freeze to death, get lost, or be attacked by ring wraiths.
Air travel, which is supposed to be the fastest and most convenient method of transportation, is actually the most arduous. Even when things go smoothly, it's exhausting. Our bodies simply weren't designed to be shoved into giant metal cylinders and hurtled through the air at several hundred miles per hour. They definitely weren't designed to withstand baggage fees.
I've noticed in my recent travels that the airlines have given up trying to provide superior service and relaxing accommodations, and have instead begun to focus on how much worse their competition is. Basically, they're trying to one-up each other by claiming to be slightly less greedy than the other guy. Almost everyone charges you to check baggage now, so the contest is who charges the least, or how many bags you can check before the fees kick in. "Those guys? They charge you on your first bag! We don't start until your second." Put in those terms, it almost sounds admirable. Those heroic airlines! Letting you check a bag for free! What givers they are!
But as things get worse for the airlines, and as they all start doing the same greedy things, they'll have to get more and more creative in identifying and emphasizing their strong suits.
"Southwest Airlines' in-flight magazine is consistently rated among the least boring in the industry! Some readers actually finish entire articles!"
"At Continental, our flight attendants are forbidden from turning the safety announcements into a stand-up comedy routine. We'll leave the jokes to those jokers at the OTHER airlines."
"Tired of arbitrary, randomly chosen airline prices? Well, when you book a ticket on Delta, we promise that at least one other person on the same flight will have paid the same price you did -- we guarantee it."
"Some airlines try to take advantage of you by offering packets of peanuts that only weigh 1.2 ounces. But on United, you'll always get the full, satisfying 1.3 ounces of peanuts -- every flight, every time."
"Are you sick of airlines that drive up prices by offering 'frills' like tiny packets of peanuts? Then fly Alaska Air, where we don't insult you with minuscule snacks. And we pass the savings on to you!"
Eventually, they'll have to start making things up.
"Certain other airlines employ monkeys to fly their planes instead of human beings. Not U.S. Airways. We hire only fully trained and qualified HUMAN pilots. Why? Because we believe your safety is more important than saving a few bucks. If that makes us a little unusual, so be it. U.S. Airways: All-human staff, on every flight."
"Forcing passengers to leap off the plane before it's done slowing down, to save on fuel costs? That might pass muster with SOME companies, but not American Airlines. On American, you're welcome to remain comfortably in your seat until we've stopped at the gate -- in fact, we insist on it. Some people call it going the extra mile. We just call it: courtesy. That's American Airlines."
"Are you tired of flying on planes where the aisles are filled with piles of human excrement? Then fly United, where every plane is thoroughly scrutinized before every flight, to make sure it's in tip-top, human-excrement-free condition. Does this extra step cost us a few dollars? Maybe so. But we think making our customers feel comfortable, and preventing the spread of hepatitis and other excrement-borne diseases, is worth it."
"It's a fact: Over half of all commercial flights are sucked into wormholes, never to be seen or heard from again. But at Delta Airlines, we're proud to say that not ONE of our planes has ever disappeared into an inter-dimensional anomaly in the time-space continuum. That's a service record we're proud of. Fly Delta. Why take chances?"
It's obviously better for everyone if we all just stay where we are. Why would you need to leave home anyway? Home is where all your stuff is.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 22 comments
April 6, 2009 at 1:27 am
Huzzah! New Snide Remarks! As a showing of my appreciation, I'll make sure that I remember to use your Amazon link during my planned purchase later today.
The last part reminds me of the "Fairsley Difference" sketch from Mr. Show. "At Fairsley, you can shop comfortably, knowing your children will not be abducted and shipped off to a Pakistani whorehouse, where they'll spend the rest of their lives in homoerotic servitude. Come with your kids, leave with your kids!" And yes, I did have to look that clip up on YouTube in order to get the transcript more or less correct.
April 6, 2009 at 2:21 am
Airlines.
So hot right now.
Airlines.
(whatever you do, don't fly Delta! "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive"-not just a clever acronym. And they kick off the problem to a third party company as soon as they possibly can, so that when you call and ask where the heck your luggage is they can helpfull tell you its no longer "their problem". oooh...so much seething hatred for Delta...)
April 6, 2009 at 9:00 am
Loved this article. I hate flying these days. I don't think it was ever a pleasant experience, but these days it's just downright horrible. The fees, the lines, the regulations, TSA, stuff being stolen from your luggage, etc. Thanks for the laugh Eric.
April 6, 2009 at 9:13 am
Eric, I just realized how much your podcasts sound like Stephen Colbert (just the inflection). Honestly, they're funnier than his terrible book on tape.
April 6, 2009 at 9:18 am
I tried to come up with a funny slogan of my own, but I was laughing too hard and my brain still hurts.
Some of your best stuff in months, Eric!!!!
April 6, 2009 at 9:22 am
Eric should adopt a new slogan for everybody who's disappointed about not getting a fresh Snide Remarks every week:
"You know how some washed-out 'humor columnists' just foist a recycled Clinton-era column on you every Monday? Well here at ericdsnider.com, we'll deliver a hot, fresh Snide Remarks to you on a semi-regular basis AT EXACTLY THE SAME PRICE. It's a little thing we call 'integrity.'"
April 6, 2009 at 9:59 am
What a glorious return after a month-long hiatus. This made my Monday worth waking up for. The movie reviews and blog have held me over quite nicely, though.
April 6, 2009 at 10:18 am
"Here in the Great Plains, we don't cram you into tiny seats on a giant, flying metal tube with kinda-wings, we give you the splendor of the open prairie and maybe some high mountain passes. Why settle for a tiny silver bag of peanuts? Here with the Martin Handcart Company we can afford for you not one ounce of peanuts, but four ounces of flour! Sure the trip might take three or four months longer than flying but half the fun is getting there! Why throw up on an airplane and worry about terrorists and crashing, when you can die of scurvy and of hypothermia and keep your feet firmly on the ground for miles and miles and miles, walking and walking and walking? Martin Handcart Company, where only angels fly."
Sheesh.
April 6, 2009 at 12:11 pm
So timely! I was just complaining about how horrible airlines are to my wife (who is the one who'll actually be travelling) a day or two ago.
I think I'm pretty well done going anywhere I can't drive.
April 6, 2009 at 12:38 pm
What a pleasant shock to see SR! Huzzah!
The next time I fly I will definitely be grateful to not see piles of crap in the aisles. That was awesome.
April 6, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Nice
April 6, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Take any airline, and ask around. You are sure to find someone who had a terrible experience using that company. My personal loathed airlines are Southwest and America West. My favorite was Northwest, but they are merging with Delta. I've had no problem with Delta. Of course, I try to never check baggage when I travel.
Thanks for the Monday Snideness.
April 6, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Please do take the chance to make your movie reviews outstanding to attract the customer.
April 6, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Yay! I've missed me some Snide Remarks! And you return from the drought with an excellent piece that made me laugh out loud many a time. Awesome.
April 6, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Soooo funny . . . haven't laughed this hard in months. Thanks Eric!
April 6, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Delta gives out really good cookies, though. And I thought they lost my luggage this past Friday when I was flying to SLC, but it turned out I was waiting at the wrong carousel. I was embarrassed, but why don't they use the electronic signs on the carousels to say what flights will be unloading on that particular carousel?
April 7, 2009 at 8:10 am
"...and if you venture out on a trek, assume you're going to freeze to death, get lost, or be attacked by ring wraiths."
I still assume that. In fact, I saw all three happen during our layover in O'Hare last December.
Great column, Eric! Well worth the wait.
April 7, 2009 at 11:46 am
We didn't freeze; the ringwraiths' cloak kept us warm, and the ringwraiths themselves went well with that one packet of Heinz ketchup one of us had in his pocket.
Well, not "well" as in "good" but "well" as in "no serious prison time or missing limbs".
April 7, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Are you sure in your absence you didn't start writing copy with an ad agency? Those were absolutely great! "U.S. Airways: All-human staff, on every flight." Gotta love that all-human staff. Now if only one of the airlines would start using all-human staffs.
April 7, 2009 at 9:36 pm
It's bad enough that Delta charges a fee for checking ANY bags. What really makes me giggle is that they officially refer to ONE bag as "Excess Baggage."
Well... it is true that one is an excess of zero. Kind of makes you feel like YOU are the one behaving badly, hence the fee.
"Well.... we can't be responsible for YOUR excess. You are taking a trip to someplace far enough away to fly...and you are bringing a BAG? Well now, that's just excessive, isn't it? And we will simply NOT take the responsibility for YOUR excess!"
May 8, 2009 at 2:20 pm
The funny thing about Delta's bag check charge is that they end up checking a lot of bags for free because of it -- at least, the last time I flew. Well before the time we got to board -- and this happened each leg of the trip -- EVERY SINGLE overhead bin was full, and they were going down the line of passengers with baggage tags. I both smirked and snorted. (Snorked? Smirted?)
June 8, 2009 at 1:36 am
I spent the last few years in Cleveland, and I noticed that United lost at least one bag each time I flew with them. It became so predictable that I was shocked (but not appalled) when they finally got it right last month. Shouldn't they refund the bag-checking fees when they lose your bags? (Answer: yes, but don't hold your breath.)