Eric D. Snider

Sein of the Times

Snide Remarks #545

"Sein of the Times"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on June 18, 2007

The landmark television program "Seinfeld," which anyone with basic cable can now watch 15 times a day if they so choose, was famous for analyzing the minutiae of everyday life. Giving away unwanted gifts, double-dipping potato chips in a public dip bowl, pretending to admire ugly babies -- it was all fodder for the "Seinfeld" writers.

The thing is, "Seinfeld" ceased production in 1998. American life has changed a lot since then, and the show never got a chance to comment on some of the things that are ubiquitous now. But what if "Seinfeld" were still on the air? What would it be like? I think it might go something ... like ... this ...

JERRY: You got a new job? Why didn't you tell us?

ELAINE: I posted it in my blog.

JERRY: Your blog?

ELAINE: Yeah, my blog.

JERRY: You have a blog?

ELAINE: What, you don't read my blog?

JERRY: Why would I read your blog? I see you every day. What are you going to say in your blog that I don't already know?

ELAINE: Well, that I got a new job, for one thing.

JERRY: So that's what it's come to? We don't have to talk anymore, because I can just read your blog to see what's new?

ELAINE: Pretty much.

JERRY: I don't get this whole "blog" thing. Everyone's gotta tell you what THEY think about the world. I don't care what anyone thinks. Why would I care what some idiot in Florida has to say about the new sandwich at Subway?

ELAINE: You get some interesting perspectives sometimes on the blogs.

JERRY: I don't buy it. The only difference between bloggers and those crazy guys who talk to themselves on the street is that the crazy guys don't have computers.

ELAINE: So you don't have a blog?

JERRY: No, I don't have a blog. What do I need a blog for?

ELAINE: Everyone has a blog! Kramer has one.

JERRY: (to Kramer) You have a blog?

KRAMER: Oh yeah.

JERRY: (after a pause) You can type?

KRAMER: (waggling his fingers) 80 words a minute, my friend.

JERRY: What's in your blog?

KRAMER: Oh, you know, this and that. Observations. Thoughts. Recipes.

ELAINE: See? Everyone has a blog.

JERRY: I barely understand him when I'm talking to him face-to-face. I can't imagine what that blog of his is like. Does George have one?

ELAINE: Eh, George, who cares?

* * * * *


JERRY: So when are you seeing Karen again?

GEORGE: Karen? I'm not. We broke up.

JERRY: You broke up?

GEORGE: We broke up.

JERRY: Why did you break up?

GEORGE: She kept sending me text messages.

JERRY: What's wrong with that?

GEORGE: All the time. Like 10 times a day.

JERRY: Ah. Did she write with those stupid abbreviations?

GEORGE: Yes! I didn't know what the hell she was saying half the time! It's just a random series of letters!

JERRY: Those are the worst!

GEORGE: "MT 7 CAF"? How am I supposed to know what that means?!

JERRY: It's like all of a sudden everyone started speaking Esperanto, and we're just supposed to pick it up as we go.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: So you broke up.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: When did this happen?

GEORGE: A couple weeks ago.

JERRY: A couple weeks ago? Your MySpace page still says you're "In a Relationship."

GEORGE: Yeah, I know. I hate to change it.

JERRY: But it's misleading! People are going to think you're in a relationship ... if dating a woman who sends text messages like a 14-year-old girl can really be called a "relationship," that is.

GEORGE: It's so hard to change it. It's like admitting the whole thing is actually over. It's so ... final.

JERRY: Going from "In a Relationship" to "Single."

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: So you're saying if you were married, God forbid, and then you got divorced, it wouldn't be signing the divorce papers that brought it home. It would be updating your MySpace that would really make it sink in that it was over?

GEORGE: Yeah, pretty much.

JERRY: You know, the MySpace has been great for dating. You can see what movies a woman likes, what she does in her spare time, and what she looks like in a bathing suit, all without talking to her -- which used to be WHY we talked to women, to try to find those things out.

GEORGE: It's much more efficient. It used to take me a month to be rejected by a dozen girls. Now I can be turned down by 10 girls a week, easy.

* * * * *


KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta see this!

JERRY: What is it?

KRAMER: It's a video I downloaded from YouTube!

JERRY: What, I gotta go over to your house to watch it on your computer?

KRAMER: No, it's here on my iPod.

JERRY: Nah, I can't watch those things. The screen is too tiny.

KRAMER: But Jerry! It's a high-definition screen! It's got millions of pixels! Pixels, Jerry!

JERRY: I don't care how many pixels it has, I'm not watchin' some stupid video on your miniature little TV screen!

KRAMER: Why are you such a hater?

JERRY: I'm not a hater! I don't get the whole iPod thing anyway. Why do I need to walk around with 5,000 songs in my pocket? I can only listen to one at a time. And where am I gonna be that I'm gonna be listening to music for 250 hours straight? Am I on the space shuttle? Am I in a coma?

KRAMER: OK, but you're missing out.

JERRY: What's the video, anyway?

KRAMER: It's this comedian in a nightclub, and he totally freaks out and says the N-word over and over!

JERRY: OK, this I gotta see.

Stumble It!

Notes:

Here is the thought process that led to this column: I was thinking about how everyone has a blog nowadays, and how if you don't have one, people think there's something wrong with you. "You gotta get a blog!" I imagined people saying. And "You gotta get a blog!" sounded, in my head, like the nasally woman on the "Seinfeld" episode who kept saying, "You gotta see the baby!" That led to Kramer's voice saying, "You gotta get a blog!," which led to me realizing they didn't have blogs when "Seinfeld" was on, and so forth.

The part about not changing your relationship status on MySpace came from a real conversation I had with someone who had recently broken up and was reluctant to update his page to reflect that.

This sentence -- "You can see what movies a woman likes, what she does in her spare time, and what she looks like in a bathing suit, all without talking to her -- which used to be WHY we talked to women, to try to find those things out" -- came from my friend Daryn when I told him I was working on a "Seinfeld" column. That's why it always pays to have funny people on your IM list.

This item has 30 comments

  1. Dave the Slave says:

    I love this! I could totally picture watching this episode, complete with Kramer's jittery excitment over that darn nightclub comedian.. :-)

    and I don't have a blog, who needs one when we can now rant our opinions on the Snide Remarks page! Wohoo!

  2. Eric Herman says:

    Excellent job! I could definitely see that stuff in a Seinfeld reunion episode, well, except for the last part, but that was great, too.

  3. braun says:

    Nice! It totally sounded like it could be a real Seinfeld episode. In my head, anyways. Although I did wonder what that beeping sound was and why all the wallpaper had pictures of bacon.

  4. Ray says:

    Absolutely DEAD ON! You got the tone just right. What a pity Seinfeld stopped producing in '98. You could apply for a job... maybe on your blog... text-message your resume. Truly Snide, but hardly snide at all.

  5. Zimm says:

    I'm about to link to this from my blog, and I find irony in that. Fitting, I suppose.

  6. Tony says:

    Best line:

    JERRY: (to Kramer) You have a blog?

    KRAMER: Oh yeah.

    JERRY: (after a pause) You can type?

    KRAMER: (waggling his fingers) 80 words a minute, my friend.

    I can totally relate. I tell people I have a blog, they stare at me like I'm a caveman. Next time, I'll just waggle MY fingers at them and say something witty.

  7. FHL says:

    My wife's something of a fan of Daryn. (But I'm YOUR fan!) They worked together at WeirdMall.com. I think she would totally enjoy this column. =)

    (Does MT 7 CAF mean anything?)

  8. Jesse Harris says:

    I could hear the actors in my head as I read these. It's almost like Jerry cooked these up himself.

  9. Andrew D says:

    Did anyone else get the reference there at the end?

  10. Savvy Veteran says:

    You have got all of their mannerisms (well, as much as can be expressed through writing) down perfect, I could totally picture that in my head. Also, I knew from the beginning the Michael Richards joke was coming.

  11. Melis says:

    Love love love this! It was totally Sienfeld, like dead on. You know, my friends and I coined a phrase for pciking out the most minute detail of the person we could be dating, and of course that detail is picked to the bone and becomes the very reason we cannot date that person after all.....we call it Seinfelding.

    Thank you for being so awesome!

  12. lolly says:

    I too, can totally imagine this episode. And I wish Seinfeld was still on air because I would love to see what they would say about all things Internet-related.

    I try not to tell people "in real life" that I have a blog. Even here right next to BYU, with lots of young marrieds in my ward, I think most would find that fact incredibly bizarre. And it is. Why would someone publish intimate details of her life and her thoughts, available for the world to read?

  13. Markk says:

    Of course, it can go the other way around. I have heard of real conversations like this:

    Friend1: Hey! Guess what? I got a new job!

    Friend2: Yeah I know. I read it on your blog.

    Friend1: Oh, well, I also moved house.

    Friend2: Yeah, I read that on your blog, too.

    *pause*

    Friend1: So... do you like stuff?

  14. peptidefarmer says:

    "(Does MT 7 CAF mean anything?)"

    Meet me at the cafe at 7:00?

  15. Rob D. says:

    That was really amazing Eric. Even though there are some great non laugh track sitcoms out there that are very smart, Seinfeld was still the best laugh track sitcom ever. If my prayers are answered and it makes a comeback, you should defitnitely send this to Jerry to prove you are worthy of being a writer.

  16. Andrew H. says:

    You nailed the voice and cadence of the entire Seinfeld experience. Hilarious.

  17. card says:

    Andrew D #9: Yeah, I thought the reference at the end was the icing on the cake. It causes me to contemplate linking to this article from my blog.

  18. Jeffman says:

    I'd love to see the other characters dealing with techy stuff--ie steinbrenner flipping out trying to use his tivo, etc.

  19. Chuckwagon Breakfast says:

    Spot on Eric, I could see and hear Kramer saying "80 words a minute my friend." You've totally destroyed the modern world for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to text anybody again without giggling.

  20. Sam says:

    If Seinfeld was still on the air it would be called "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and it would be on HBO and about to start a new season.

    I say if you want funny, go to the source.

  21. corned_beef says:

    Wow.... great job, Eric, you could (should) have been hired on as one of their writers. I miss Seinfeld so much and you brought them back!

  22. Laura says:

    Genius! Very very funny - I can see it!

  23. Alan the Great says:

    I hate the whole 'blog' connotation. I used to say 'I have a blog', but now I don't. Why? Because nobody cares what you did yesterday. My 'website hosted on blogger.com' is more of an article than anything else, I have not once posted what I did during the day. It's just humor, and people think I'm funny, so I get pageviews.

    True blogs suck.

  24. Natalie says:

    I could TOTALLY hear their voices as I read this! Brilliant! Thanks for the smile!

  25. Susi Koira says:

    Golly. You nailed that - dead on.

  26. Marcos says:

    In the first two weeks of June, three family members referred me to their blogs. With photos of their latest hike (one was in Argentina with a bunch of nurses from BYU) and a dentist niece stationed in the Green Zone, they're not half bad!

  27. Peter says:

    Great. :)

    You should write for TV, Eric.

  28. Ryan States says:

    I want to SEE this show!

  29. Vidar says:

    Pure genius.
    "Pixels, Jerry!"

    the punch line of the whole thing is even better. just like everyone else, i can actually picture all of it in my head

  30. Jimmie says:

    Like the rest of the commentators, I think this is spot on. I could hear the characters speaking these words. I loved Seinfeld and think you have done the show justice. Well done.

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