Eric D. Snider

The 10 Types of Internet Comments

Snide Remarks #609

"The 10 Types of Internet Comments"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on February 23, 2009

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The evolution of the Internet has led to almost complete interactivity, so that today when you read a blog, article, or column, you can usually post a comment in response to it, thus letting the world know what you think. This is an improvement over the old system, where the world didn't know what you thought. Can you believe life was ever like that?

What's interesting is that even though there are approximately 1.5 billion Internet users in the world, 98 percent of their comments fall under one of the following 10 categories. Which type are you??


SAMPLE BLOG POST:

I was recently at a party where the host, a friend of mine, showed us a picture taken in a photo booth. The picture was of the host's wife and the lead singer of the Spin Doctors. The photo booth was located in a neighborhood bar near where the couple used to live in Chicago, and the incident occurred many years after the Spin Doctors' fame had subsided. The Spin Doctors guy, so the story goes, was heavily flirting with my friend's wife, which was sad because he was a married man, and also because he was the lead singer of the Spin Doctors and what could be sadder than that? Somehow this photo was taken as a souvenir of the incident. You can even see the big seal upon his jacket.


THE 10 TYPES OF COMMENTS:

1. That's funny!
— Pleasant, Albeit Non-Substantive, Feedback

2. Too bad your friend didn't have a pocketful of Kryptonite!
— Look at Me! I'm Funny, Too!

3. I agree! I hate photo booths, too!
— Missed the Point Entirely

4. Spin Doctors! I used to hear their song "Two Princes" on the radio all the time when I was in high school!
— Has Nothing to Contribute But Couldn't Stand the Thought of Passing Up an Opportunity to Type Words on the Internet

5. That reminds me of the time I met Edie McClurg at a Safeway in Los Angeles. I wrote about it on my blog [link].
— Self-Promotion

6. lol what is spin doctors itz a band or sumthin??????
— Teenage Girl

7. lol u reminded me of collage becuz thats when i use 2 here spin doctors all the time!!!!!!!
— Not a Teenage Girl, But Wants Everyone to Think He/She Is

8. Yet another unfunny post. I hope you're not getting paid for this.
— Hates This Website But Keeps Visiting Anyway

9. You know, the lead singer for Spin Doctors is a human being, too. You shouldn't make fun of people just because they used to be famous and aren't anymore. We can't all be world-famous celebrities like you.
— Offended by Proxy for Those Targeted by the Joke

10. Chicago, eh? I'm surprised they didn't stop in to hear a sermon by REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT!!
— Fixated on Something Unrelated and Writes About It at Every Opportunity

Stumble It!

Notes:

See the comments below for the 11th type: "You forgot about...."

The Spin Doctors anecdote is true, by the way.

This item has 75 comments

  1. Cameron H. says:

    No comments yet? Everyone's scared to have their witticisms pigeon-holed!

    I nearly passed on posting, too, until I realized why I was holding back. Either that, or I'm secretly a #4 and just really good at coming up with rational excuses for myself.

  2. Susquatch says:

    I'm probably #4.

    This is a much shorter Snide Remarks than normal, but somehow just as funny.

  3. rykoch says:

    First!

  4. KMD says:

    I'll have a heapin' helping of #1 please.

  5. Edgar Lipsey says:

    Cameron beat me to the punch about the comments being psycho-analyzed (#2), but I figured I'd post anyway, because my opinion is valid, even if it is irrelevant (#4)

  6. AWOL says:

    I'd like to think I'm a nice mesh of #1 and #4

  7. eneyone says:

    12. "years after the Spin Doctors' fame had subsided." That should be "Spin Doctors's" don't you know your grammer?

    -- Can't resist Muphry's law.

  8. eneyone says:

    D'oh, that should be this link. Dern google search correction...

  9. Thoughtful Observer says:

    What category would those who get offended on Cinematical when Eric dares to write something funny and not serious and indie film related be? I think that might be a variation of #3 or #4: either they missed the point that Eric is a comedy writer, or they just like making sure everyone knows that they are serious film connoiseurs, which of course does not relate to the article posted, but is just typing words on the internet. And of course, I'm worrying if this post is turning into a #4 itself. Ah well. The article was both funny and thought-provoking (is there a subset of #1 where a poster is sucking up to the author?)

  10. Mike says:

    That's funny!

  11. Ticia says:

    You forgot about all the people who desire to be the first to comment, just so they can leave the witty comment "FIRST!" and then all the people who yell at them for being stupid.

  12. Heidi says:

    Finally, all of our readers explained. I work for a newspaper, and sadly we usually only get those that fit into #8, #9 and #10. I could go for a few comments from people like #4, #5 and #6 just a add a little spice to our comment section. Thanks Eric. I'll be sure to pass this around.

  13. Christina D says:

    Joe Biden should have been mentioned here too. I just don't understand how you can make fun of Rev. Wright and totally forget about ol' Joe. Sheesh. P4L1N 4 3v444444R! (not really. I rather prefer Jindal akshually).

    :P

    Anyway, pretty funny. I think I have fallen under categories #1, 2, 4 and 10 (albeit only during election season. It's a seasonal affliction).

  14. ameliorate me says:

    Now I'm all nervous to comment, fearing I'll be a #1 or #2. Howabout #11, just wants to give their praise? (Rare on the internet). This was great. Thanks for making me laugh.

  15. Jen says:

    I agree! I hate snide internet comments, too!

  16. Hyrum says:

    I like Subway sandwiches.

  17. Mrs. Organic says:

    I loved all of these. Which one does the suck-up commenter fall under?

  18. pizzatheface says:

    If this is your way of scaring us out of commenting, then I'm #2.

  19. Chris says:

    I'm definitely a #2, but I deserve to be because I really am funny.

  20. Weinberg says:

    I'm a #12: The random vulgarian.

    A******!

  21. Eric D. Snider says:

    Oh, Weinberg, why you gotta make me bleep you?

  22. Tom says:

    Be careful... posts like these can inspire meta comments and cause wormholes on the internet.. .I'm surprised more people didn't snark.

  23. Kaydria says:

    Definitely 4. All the time.

  24. Savvy Veteran says:

    I hope she managed to get a picture with "Cleopatra's Cat" as well!!!

    /Hopes to one day be a #2

  25. FHL says:

    I want to be #2, but I suspect I end up being #4. (Like now. Or maybe I'm just full of #2.)

    My favorite is #5, with the obligatory (link) at the end. I think I'm going to start leaving this URL in my blog comments for a while. =)

  26. Lane says:

    I once did #3 in an elevator with a #6.

  27. Brandy says:

    lol what is spin doctors itz a band or sumthin??????

  28. Nick says:

    lol whoz this Snyder guy is he a humer colummist or sumthin??

  29. David Manning says:

    Don't forget the most annoying comment of all: the "[quote] lol" comment.

    I'm surprised they didn't stop in to hear a sermon by REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT!!lolz

  30. Clumpy says:

    "Look at me! I'm being ironic by exhibiting some of these behaviors myself! Haw haw!"

    Lord help me, but I'm glad I've been lucky enough in the past to avoid forums oversaturated with those ten types of varying jackasses. They destabilize every conversation - a thread about Keynesian vs. supply side economics turns into a "favorite Taco Bell Gordita" thread.

    If anything, I fit under the following description:

    "Ignores all previous comments and replies directly to the original post, effectively interrupting any conversation that may be taken place."

  31. Jenn says:

    Hmm...I think I'm probably a cross between #2 & #4. I just want to feel like I'm contributing to the world of technology, that is still so very very foreign to me....

    Although, there should be a category for someone like me who has this bizzare obsession with putting smilies after all of their posts!! ;)

  32. Jason says:

    Very funny column. It's a clean break at 10 types, but I like the Random Vulgarian type as mentioned above. I suppose there's a whole category of troll-like behavior. Nevertheless, to avoid being #1 and in danger of encroaching into #2/4 territory, my other unlisted type is the "self-appointed expert" on the topic. Such as: "Spin Doctors, you say? Once I met those guys backstage at Lollapalooza '93 and we knocked off a bottle of Jim Beam and a bag of Funyuns while Seven Mary Three was on stage. They seemed like really cool guys, notwithstanding their questionable hygiene."

  33. Megan Munguia says:

    I like how none of the comment types describe what most commenters think their comments are: interesting, thought-provoking, and substantive

  34. Tom says:

    I'm not brave enough to comment on this one.

  35. Moyrah says:

    I almost peed my pants laughing at this. Yeah, I'm #1 and #4...

    It's fun to recognize yourself on teh computrz!!!

  36. pizzatheface says:

    If anything, I'm the type of poster who ignores all previous comments and responds to the first post, even if it means repeated some aforementioned idea.

  37. corned_beef says:

    I don't get the "big seal upon his jacket" reference, although it sounds vaguely familiar to the line "got some.... mix see ya monnest jaack it" from Two Princes.

  38. corned_beef says:

    p.s. Most of us (myself included) are shameless #2s. We are just so freaking hilarious though.

  39. Jacob says:

    Man -- I love "Two Princes"!

  40. Jacob says:

    Also, of all the Remarks that could use a musical in/out . . .

    [annoyances who post then realize they have more to add]

  41. Holly says:

    Way to make all your fans feel self-conscious and paranoid, Eric! Or maybe that's just me.

    Some people refuse to be self-conscious no matter what you say to them.

  42. Genevieve says:

    I'm a #4........WHOOHOOOOO!!!!!

  43. BGW says:

    @corned_beef: LOLz!!!!


    (is thinking other commentators are funny a new category?)

  44. Matt says:

    What about the commenter that must corrects spelling/grammar as a snide way of implying the poster is stupid? --- oohhhh snap!

  45. Anthony says:

    I also hate photo booths! LOL!!!

  46. Jane says:

    what #28 said.

  47. Laylabean says:

    #4!! Look at the pretty, pretty Internet!

  48. snowdaymom says:

    Funny, funny man! -(1) I totally agree, like ru kidding me? Bill O'Reilly must have been totally plastered! -(2,3, 5-6 cancelled out by 7) It's about time you wrote something funny. -(8) Wait a sec, are you saying...hey, I like Bill O'Reilly! -(9)
    O'Reilly/Palin 2012! (10)

    I think that covers it.

    (Hi mom!-4)

  49. Larry says:

    Not knowing who the Spin Doctors are could mean teen-aged girl, or it could mean someone 40+. I've never heard of them because I pretty much stopped paying attention to music sometime in the 80s (and even back then I was listening mostly to music from the 60s and 70s).

    One thing that I've noticed is that 90% of my posts on this website are #8 or #9, but 90% of my posts on almost every other website are #2.

  50. Dale D says:

    Eric, you forgot to mention the ten types of Internet writers, those who originate the material to begin with. It's the sort of relationship that feeds on itself; you know, if you didn't write this column, and no one else wrote theirs, then no one would have anything to comment about!

    And the ten different types of content providers would have to inevitably parallel the types of commentators presented, but with artistic variations.....

    Okay, so I'm a 4, so sue me!

    Dale D.

  51. Carrie says:

    Dale D, I'd say you're a #11.

  52. Tucker says:

    eneyone nails the perfect commenter. Matt mentions it too. The spelling or grammatically incorrect person who flames the original writer with such vitriol over writing or spelling.

    I actually see this as the most common type of commenter on the Internet. After the "FIRST!" guys.

    (Now, I'm the commenter who is so full of himself that he has to be the authority on correct writing for people who try to correct writing and fail.

    As well as the commenter who tries to breed goodwill with other commenters by mentioning them by name and giving them kudos.)

  53. Dale D says:

    Carrie says:

    March 1, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Dale D, I'd say you're a #11.

    So, Carrie, is that better than a "10"? ;o}

    BTW, to be grammatically correct, you shoud say, "your an 11" since the word "eleven" begins with a vowel, and therefore should be preceded by the indefinite article "an" rather that "a".

    I will give you the benefit of the doubt, since you posted this item at almost 1 o'clock in the morning, that you were really just typing in your sleep....

    Dale D.

  54. Eric D. Snider says:

    BTW, to be grammatically correct, you shoud say, "your an 11" since the word "eleven" begins with a vowel, and therefore should be preceded by the indefinite article "an" rather that "a".

    Speaking of correctness, you should spell it "should" rather than "shoud," and you should say "you're" rather than "your."

  55. Matt Sommer says:

    While I liked the post and agree with all categories I think you short-changed us by only going with 10 of them because I have a sneaking suspicion that you thought of more but didn't have time to thresh them out.

    Also, am I the only person who really would like to see the picture? How 'bout it Eric D.?

  56. Raul says:

    http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html

  57. Dale D says:

    Eric D. Snider says:

    March 2, 2009 at 11:37 am

    BTW, to be grammatically correct, you shoud say, "your an 11" since the word "eleven" begins with a vowel, and therefore should be preceded by the indefinite article "an" rather that "a".

    Speaking of correctness, you should spell it "should" rather than "shoud," and you should say "you're" rather than "your."

    How embarrassing! And I'm usually so fastidious about those things. Well, that's what happens when your brain is thinking faster than your carpel tunnel will let your fingers type.....

    It also helps to proofread what you wrote, doesn't it?

    Dale D.

  58. Eric D. Snider says:

    How embarrassing! And I'm usually so fastidious about those things. Well, that's what happens when your brain is thinking faster than your carpel tunnel will let your fingers type.....

    And of course you mean "carpal," not "carpel."

    Quit while you're behind, Dale! :-)

  59. eneyone says:

    Dale D, that makes you a solid #12 in my book. Eric, maybe he's actually a flower complaining that his structure that encloses an egg in angiosperms, composed of ovary, style, and stigma is somehow tunneled, and that in turn gets in the way of floral fingers.... Probably not though.

    Tucker, thanks for mentioning me by name. It made my day.

  60. Dave says:

    I like your style:

    no Troll (although #10 is close, no cigar because being fixated on something implies some kind of intelligence or at least attention to something external). You could do the 10 types of trolls by themselves (the pathetically persistent, the ineffectual, the horribly offensive, the objectivist, the too much time on their hands, the world eater, the great dissembler, etc...)

    no I-am-desperately-lonely-and-reaching-out-over-the-internet (Gosh, Eric, you sound you've had a lot of great experiences. I am a stay at home hermit and can't get out much but I sure do enjoy coming here and reading these items. My dog 'Chula' also enjoys the Spin Doctors)

    #9: the more popular the website, the more likely you will have a #9 for any snide post; at some popularity, there is always something offensive to someone. Readers also tend to snowball this one if it offends some basic value (even if it is relatively funny joke)

  61. Linda says:

    I just read this entire blog with comments ( a first for me), and I must say it was not especially entertaining, thought provoking or even funny. I did learn one thing though. I have better things to do with my time.

  62. Dave says:

    And Linda is a solid number 8! Well done Linda!

  63. Krikit says:

    The best part about reading all of this (aside from Eric's article)was commets number 61 & 62. I roared with laughter!

  64. Brad says:

    Carrie says:

    March 1, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Dale D, I'd say you're a #11.

    Dale D says:

    BTW, to be grammatically correct, you shoud say, "your an 11" since the word "eleven" begins with a vowel, and therefore should be preceded by the indefinite article "an" rather that "a".


    Carrie preceded 11 with the # symbol, so an "a" is actually correct, as you would next pronounce the term for the symbol, "number," which does not begin with a vowel.

    Sorry to be so late in the game on this one!

    Brad

  65. rima says:

    * copy pastes to my blog *

    * credits Eric at the end *

  66. Eric D. Snider says:

    Rima, I hope you're kidding about that. See below: "Copyright © Eric D. Snider. This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider." See also: common sense.

  67. rima says:

    lol, alright =D

    but btw it's usually "ok" to quote someone/post an article of his under the condition it's never been modified/pirated or credited to sum one else/uncredited... i do understand wut makes u go there though, i just read a huge deal of your site (including the battle with the forwarded emails) =D

  68. Eric D. Snider says:

    Actually, no, no, it's not OK to post someone's work without their permission, even if you don't modify it and do credit the person. People might do that a lot, and they might not get called on it every time -- but it's no more OK than photocopying a book from the library and passing it around to your friends would be.

    Also, a tip: People are more likely to take your incorrect legal opinions seriously if you don't use non-words like "sum one" and "wut." I'm just sayin'.

  69. rima says:

    thanks for the tip...

    the anger was not absolutely crucial though!

  70. (Required) says:

    How could he forget "FIRST!" shouters?

    Maybe its because that doesn't count as responding....

  71. Nicki says:

    I'm probably a #1

  72. Joy says:

    You forgot:

    "Great post. Love your blog!"

    Link to their site, HERE.

  73. Zina says:

    Eneyone, I loved learning about Muphry's so-very-true law. Thanks for enriching my evening!

    (#13? Responds to other commenter rather than original post.)

    I honed my #1 skills on a sewing forum where I have left literally thousands of comments that all say "The only thing cuter than that dress is the little girl you sewed it for!" I crave all positive feedback, no matter how bland, so I try to cast my bland-compliment bread on the water. (I first accidentally typed that as "no matter how blond.")

    I fear I'm guilty of all the comment types except perhaps the teen girl ones, with bonus points for excessive comment length (no matter the comment category).

    #10 is my dad.

  74. Zina says:

    Totally didn't notice this post was from 2009. Writing that over-long comment was such a waste of a attention-seeking.

  75. manoilo says:

    So, 98 out of 100 are irrelevant, so we have here just 1 single useful comment now.

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