The Current State of American Political Discourse: A Tragedy in One Act

Snide Remarks #520

"The Current State of American Political Discourse: A Tragedy in One Act"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on November 6, 2006

NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR: I'd like to thank my guests, Liberal and Conservative, for joining us today for this debate. Hopefully you can illuminate some key points in your separate philosophies, with the ultimate goal of finding common ground as Americans.

LIBERAL: Yes, exactly. We all want to make America better.

CONSERVATIVE: Quite so. I am pleased to be here.

MODERATOR: OK, then. Our first topic is the economy. It has gone up and down since George W. Bush was elected in 2000, and has suffered setbacks and enjoyed rebounds. What road is it on now? Improving? Worsening? What should be done next? Liberal, we start with you.

LIBERAL: Thank you. First, I want to make it clear that anything negative that has happened to the economy is Bush's fault, while anything positive is the result of things Clinton set in motion when he was in office.

MODERATOR: Interesting. Conservative, rebuttal?

CONSERVATIVE: I believe my esteemed opponent has it exactly backwards. The economy's successes have been because of Bush and in spite of Clinton, while the downturns have been entirely due to the liberal media's influence on the American people.

LIBERAL: Fair enough. But I should point out that Rush Limbaugh is fat.

CONSERVATIVE: I hardly think that's relevant. Not nearly as relevant as the fact that Michael Moore is fat.

LIBERAL: I believe Limbaugh's girth is of major importance in this debate and that Moore's is wholly immaterial. You evidently feel the opposite.

CONSERVATIVE: I do.

LIBERAL: Let us agree to disagree on this point, then.

CONSERVATIVE: Agreed.

MODERATOR: Gentlemen, we need to wrap up this topic and move on.

LIBERAL: OK. I'd say the biggest reason for the sluggishness of the economy is that Ann Coulter is a shrill harpie with bony knees.

MODERATOR: Conservative, rebuttal?

CONSERVATIVE: Your point is well taken. But need I point out that Keith Olbermann's ratings on MSNBC are very low when compared to those of Bill O'Reilly on Fox News?

LIBERAL: I concede that point.

MODERATOR: Excellent points, gentlemen. Now, let's move on to another thorny subject: Iraq. What should be our next move in that very sensitive part of the world? Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: What we need in Iraq are leaders who understand that Al Gore is crazy when he says the Earth is melting.

LIBERAL: I think you're forgetting the very crucial fact that Dick Cheney shot an old man in the face, and that President Bush can't pronounce "nuclear."

CONSERVATIVE: John F. Kennedy couldn't say "Cuba," either. He pronounced it "Cuber."

LIBERAL: That's an accent, not a mispronunciation!

CONSERVATIVE: Beside the point. You're dodging the real issue here: We need an amendment banning flag-burning, and we need it NOW.

LIBERAL: No we don't. What we need is for everyone to realize that since Bush stole the election in 2000, nothing he's done since then is valid.

MODERATOR: OK, we've covered the Iraq situation pretty well, and you've both raised some thought-provoking issues. Let's move on to our final topic: Social Security. Some say the program is in trouble, others say it's doing OK. What do you say, Liberal?

LIBERAL: Conservatives are supposed to be the moral watchdogs, yet Republican congressman Mark Foley sexually harassed teenage boys.

CONSERVATIVE: But Clinton had sex in the Oval Office.

LIBERAL: Yes, with a consenting adult, not a teenage boy.

CONSERVATIVE: Yes, but Clinton was president, while Foley was merely a congressman.

LIBERAL: Yes, but Foley's sins involved teenagers while Clinton's involved adults.

CONSERVATIVE: Yes, but Foley never actually touched anyone, whereas Clinton did.

LIBERAL: Yes, but Foley is unappealing while Clinton is charismatic.

CONSERVATIVE: Yes, but Clinton is chubby while Foley is slender.

LIBERAL: Touché.

MODERATOR: Thank you, gentlemen. This has been a stimulating debate. For your final thoughts, you may each recite one bumper sticker. Liberal?

LIBERAL: "No one died when Clinton lied!"

MODERATOR: Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: "Annoy a liberal: Work hard and be happy!"

MODERATOR: Thank you both. To our viewing audience, good night, and good luck. Seriously, I mean it. Good luck.

Notes:

I have a regular gig writing for Glenn Beck's humor magazine, Fusion, which has a decidedly conservative bent. Since I'm not particularly conservative, I often have to call my brother Christopher, who is juuuust this side of being a Nazi, to get tips. "I disagree fundamentally with the premise for this humor article," I'll say. "But if I did agree with it, like you do, what jokes would I make?"

This column required that sort of research. I could think of lots of things that conservatives bring up that are irrelevant -- Clinton's Lewinsky situation, Michael Moore being fat, etc. -- but I needed help with the ones liberals are always harping on. Christopher gave me Bush stealing the election (how did I miss that?) and a couple others.

Oh, and the bit about "nuclear" and "Cuba" is more or less a transcript of dialogue Christopher and I actually had.

This item has 26 comments

pizzocalabro says:
November 6, 2006 at 8:42 am
I thought the article was very funny, but I thought the "Comments & Reaction" was even funnier.
Nick says:
November 6, 2006 at 9:09 am
The title for this column fitting, too...
Lowdogg says:
November 6, 2006 at 9:13 am
I am mucho conservative (just click on my name to see) and I thought this column was fantastic.

What kills me about politics lately is how uncivil it is, with candidates that people disagree with being called "evil" and other perjoratives.

This was good writing.
Laura says:
November 6, 2006 at 10:15 am
This is very true. And very sad. I am conservative myself--well, more libertarian, really--and I'm sick of both sides. There have been SO MANY commercials lately on the TV and radio where I live, mostly the congressional candidates, and they spend more time refuting each other than talking about the issues. I guess that's true everywhere, though.

I think what I believe is right. Other people think that what I believe is wrong. Okay. Whatever. That's why we vote. So the people who agree the most can have their way.

Hmm, it sounds bad when you put it like that.

Hurrah for democracy!
Brandon says:
November 6, 2006 at 10:30 am
So you're basically saying your brother, Christopher, writes your Fusion articles for you.
Benjamin says:
November 6, 2006 at 10:37 am
The part that makes me laugh when people act like politics of America haven't been dirty and confrontational since it's inception. It's part of the process, the best ideas tend to rise to the top and stupid popular ones as well. Political parties are supposed to hate each other, it's what keeps them both in check. This idea we should all come together and sing Kumbaya is a ridiculous goal. I'm just tired of both parties, the pandering to special interest groups, and the general blandness of the people running for office these days who never say what they actually think. It's always PR approved blandspeak, that's been tested by focus groups for highest broad appeal and least downside. I would love it if candidates would just say what they actually think, or maybe even setting a limit of one term would keep these idiots from legislating just to get re-elected.
AdamOndi says:
November 6, 2006 at 1:54 pm
This is why both my wife and I are completely sick of all political crap. We dread every election year because of the incessant stupid commercials and bickering. We have been voting by mail for years now, and there is nothing more satisfying than getting ballots in the mail, along with the voter pamphlet. We just read the things in the voter pamphlet and vote based on the sides presented there. And then we send in our ballots and gleefully make fun of the commercials leading up to the actual day of election.
Eric Herman says:
November 6, 2006 at 1:57 pm
Yeah, that was a good collection of the rhetoric on both sides. I'm basically a Libertarian, too, which sounds like liberal but tastes more like conservative.
Dave says:
November 6, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Brilliant. This is a strong, funny article. I smiled all the way through.
Roberto says:
November 6, 2006 at 4:01 pm
With my lame Comcast TiVo equivalent, I have seen almost no campaign commercials this year. I like it!!!
RandyTayler says:
November 6, 2006 at 5:22 pm
I think I'm a Libertarian, too. I just haven't come out of the Republican closet yet.

I think this is the most balanced jab at both sides I've ever seen, btw.
Fritz says:
November 6, 2006 at 7:00 pm
Had no clue you did some article work for Beck's magazine (Than again, i'm cheap and just listen to him on the radio and watch his TV show). But still, this was truthful and hilarious...It really annoys me man, all the political commercials:

"My opponent once saw a movie with President Bush in 1976...a person was also brutally murdered the same day...coincidence? I think not....I also have a plan to get us out of Iraq...that you will hear nothing about." (smiles and winks)
Genevieve says:
November 6, 2006 at 7:51 pm
Hehehehee, funny.

And since everyone is saying what they are.....I'm more liberal then a democrate! Whoooooo!!!
Sean says:
November 6, 2006 at 9:32 pm
And I'm too conservative to be a Republican. Well, for the most part anyway. Maybe law school has ruined me, but I seem to have picked up this strong consumer protectionist streak (i.e., huge corp. brutalizes little man, I decided it's okay to smack down the huge corp.). Other than that, I could live with a Supreme Court composed solely of Antonin Scalia, John Roberts and the late Hugo Black.
David Manning says:
November 6, 2006 at 9:45 pm
Brilliant.
Christopher says:
November 6, 2006 at 10:06 pm
I'm so proud of you, brother! You finally wrote a well-balanced article without your usual liberal bias! I'm also pleased that you mentioned me and even gave me credit for stuff. Good job (although the Lewinsky affair is TOTALLY relevant to EVERYTHING).
Wayne says:
November 6, 2006 at 11:03 pm
It's a frustrating election to be sure! The republicans don't have any idea what they are doing. The democrats do know what they are doing, but since I am a conservative traditionalist, I am fundamentally against the direction they want to go. So, I am compelled to vote for the party with no clue, only because they are less likely to go in the wrong direction as they amble about Washington with blindfolds on. How depressing :-) Somebody spin them around three times and send them walking toward the right!
Lane says:
November 6, 2006 at 11:33 pm
Enjoyable romp through political turmoil and whatnot. All clever and funny without actually picking a side.
Whoto says:
November 7, 2006 at 1:03 am
Very funny article. Very true.
Dave Gibbons says:
November 7, 2006 at 8:39 am
very funny article, yet pretty sad too. I'm so sick and tired of candidates only talking about why the other candidate is so lame. No one ever talks about what they would do to make America batter anymore, its all about why the other guy sucks. So which candidate is less childish? tough question...
Oblios Girl says:
November 7, 2006 at 8:43 am
Former Oregonian, misses the rough-and-tumble of Oregon politics (which used to be pretty exciting); died-in-the-wool LIBERTARIAN, and now, as a Texan, really, really thrilled that we have the one and only gubernatorial candidate who will actually say what he thinks --- better than Ahnold or even that wrestler dude. Go, Kinky, GO !
Mike Norton says:
November 7, 2006 at 8:55 am
Great writing, but wholly inaccurate. There is soooooooooo much more vitriol in real American political discourse today. Where's the pure, molten hatred, Eric? :)
Aaron says:
November 7, 2006 at 10:48 am
I like the civility the two sides exhibit in this article; graciously conceding points and agreeing to disagree and whatnot. The courtesy highlights how ridiculous their arguments actually are. Very nicely done, Eric.
bCurt says:
November 9, 2006 at 3:41 pm
Great piece as usual!

Oblios Girl - No, Kinky, No! He speaks his foot right into his mouth. What was with his cigar in the TV ads?
Prosthetic Spleen says:
November 9, 2006 at 4:53 pm
I want to be a librarian...
Craig says:
November 13, 2006 at 12:14 am
Pretty good, except debates on cable tv like that are never that civil. They never concede anything, and eventually just start yelling at each other. That's why I don't watch cable news anymore...or any news for that matter

This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.

Eric D. Snider