The Fanboys Respond to 'Romeo and Juliet,' 1595
Snide Remarks #588
"The Fanboys Respond to 'Romeo and Juliet,' 1595"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on July 21, 2008
o my lordz and ladiez i am soooo excited 2 C shakezpear's new play tonite! i totes luv this story! i just hope he don't ruin it!!
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i hath my doubts... shakesqueer hath ruined many stories before... i hateth his "comedy of errors" becuz it differeth so much from the ancient Roman plays on which 'tis based... also, shakesqueer is gay.
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forsooth, b****es, methinks Romeo & Juliet hath replaced Taming of the Shrew (I mean LAMING of the Shrew) as the vilest concoction mine eyez have beheld upon the london stage... methinks seriously, WTF?
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OMG this is the worst play EVER... hath william SUCKspeare even READ the narrative poem it's based on?????
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i have read the poem this came from lotz of timez and it is rilly good but this pley is terrible!! Juliet isn't supposed to have green eyes!!! what were they thinking??
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ROMEO AND JULIET BOTH DIE AT THE END!
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all ye haters must needs chill out. i knoweth not about thee, but i goeth to the theatre for an evening of merry-making. ye who over-analyse such entertainments are geeks.
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the actor who playeth romeo is a man of great muscle and handsome face, which leadeth me to conclude that this play is the greatest ever performed.
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'tis a sad and awful thing to make a play of a real tragedy... do not the families of the real romeo and juliet protest this thing? hath the Globe Theatre no scruple's but to make entertainment from the death's of two young, hot people?
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duz anyone knoweth where i can procure medicines such as those given by the apothecary in this play? when it maketh juliet to appear dead, that is some rad s***.
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the end made me cry lol
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in my mind i always imagined what romeo would look like, and he didn't look like this. therefore, this play is awful.
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omg this play be so stupid. why doth the 2 familys fight one another? play should of explained why!!!!
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shakespeare's early works were things of beauty and marvel. i had not seen a play of his in many a year. i awaited this new work with bated breath. now i find my anticipation is misplaced, for not only hath he wrecked the story of romeo and juliet, but he hath sullied my recollections of all his prior works. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!
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fakespeare should stick to historical tragedies. he knoweth not how to write about teenagers.
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I encamped nearly a fortnight outside teh Globe Theater for the premier of Shakespeare's latest. I was not dissapointed. It is definately among the finest works ever devised on the subject of murder-suicide. If you like it not, I am forced to conclude that thou art retarded.
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thou art the retarded one, for thou hast decided beforehand that thou wouldst love the play no mattereth how bad it may be. thou art a deluded fanboy, and also, your gay.
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surprise, surprise, suckspeare hath ruined another one! he hath made mercutio to be romeo's best friend, e'en though in the real story they hardly knew each other. suckspeare's obscene ignorance filleth me with rage!!! i hope teh Globe Theatre catcheth fire and that william suckspeare dieth in it.
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i have seen none of the plays supposedly considered the "best" plays, but i knoweth that this one surpasses them all!!!!! it maketh me to cry and to swoon and to look at romeo a lot for he is beautiful to look upon lol.
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Francis Bacon would of done a better job.
This item has 47 comments
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Suskie says:
July 21, 2008 at 6:27 amBaha, this is amazing.
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kevith says:
July 21, 2008 at 6:33 amFIRSTH!!!1!11!
Sorry. I had to do it....
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Chris says:
July 21, 2008 at 6:51 amYikes! It reads just like the comments after every single YouTube video! Bravo!
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ClobberGirl says:
July 21, 2008 at 7:36 am"If you like it not, I am forced to conclude that thou art retarded."
I suggest "thou art retarted." Other than that, bravo.
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Lulu says:
July 21, 2008 at 10:03 amTee hee... This is funny!
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Paul Norman says:
July 21, 2008 at 12:26 pmGreat post overall, but I have a nit to pick:
"i hath my doubts." "but i knoweth that.." C'mon Eric. As a Mormon, you are familiar enough with Elizabethan English to know verbs don't use the th ending in the first person. It sounds as stupid as saying/writing "i has my doubts" and "but i knows that..." in today's English.
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Turkey says:
July 21, 2008 at 12:56 pmHa HA! Great column.
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Tom says:
July 21, 2008 at 1:00 pmI hath also marked that nit that thou hast picked. But is not "sounding stupid" the point?
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Tony says:
July 21, 2008 at 1:25 pmMethinks the nerdy doth protest too much! :)
Great column.
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corned_beef says:
July 21, 2008 at 1:38 pmThis wath hilarious.
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Sylvia says:
July 21, 2008 at 1:45 pmOMG, OMG, OMG. Freaking brilliant. Not even Francis Bacon would have done a better job.
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Eric Herman says:
July 21, 2008 at 1:55 pmGreat job, but my favorite line is in the comments/reaction: "Spending time on the Internet is like stabbing myself in the brain over and over again with a thousand tiny knives."
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mommyof3boys says:
July 21, 2008 at 2:28 pmAs a former teacher and an English Major, I must say this column was very funny, but it setteth my red pen aquiver! I mourn the loss of the English language each time I log onto the Net!
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AWOL says:
July 21, 2008 at 3:00 pmThis reminds me of a website called the AOLer Translator. The website says "This translator will take what you write in it and turn it into the manner a 12-year-old AOLer would write it." Here is what some of Eric's writing would look. "SPANDNG TIEM ON TEH INTERNET SI LIEK STABNG MYSELF IN TEH BRANE OVAR AND OVER AGANE WIT A THOSAND TINY KNIEVS!!1!1!! LOL"
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memikeyounot says:
July 21, 2008 at 3:55 pmGreat stuff, I have been lobbying against the use of LOL for many years.
You forgot one, though, that appears in every board for every movie on IMDB.
'
THIS IS THE WORSE PLAY EVAR!~~ -
Clumpy says:
July 21, 2008 at 4:20 pmIf "forsooth, b****es" were the only funny line, it would have been more than enough.
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Heidi says:
July 21, 2008 at 5:43 pmEric, your definately a genius, but OMG, this was excrutiatingly painful to read. lol Please don't make suffer through writing of this type EVAR again!
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Aroura says:
July 21, 2008 at 5:49 pmPure genius!!!
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Kathleen says:
July 21, 2008 at 8:40 pmBrilliant, Eric.
If Shakespeare had fanboys, there would probably be feuding fanbases like this:
"OMG SHAEKSPEER IS THE GRATEST!!!"
"MARLOW IS THE GREATEST!!! SHAKESPEARE IS A RETARD LOL."
"MARLOE IS TEH GAY!"
"You are both wrong. Stop this infantile feuding. Chaucer is vastly superior to either Shakespeare or Marlowe. Honestly, there are no good writers anymore these days. True English literature died with the Black Death."
"CHAUSSER SUX!!!!!!!!" -
Kiersten says:
July 21, 2008 at 8:42 pmThis...this is absolutely perfect. I have no words.
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Jen says:
July 21, 2008 at 8:47 pmI second Clumpy's comment. I have to start thinking of ways to say "forsooth, b****es" in a conversation...
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Ben says:
July 21, 2008 at 9:00 pmOMGLOLROFLWTF. Ur hilairius!!!
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Holly says:
July 21, 2008 at 9:17 pmI couldn't finish this. My brain started to overheat. I'll try again when I'm not tired.
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corned_beef says:
July 21, 2008 at 9:27 pmSHAKESPEAR IS A LOOSER!!!!!
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corned_beef says:
July 21, 2008 at 9:32 pmALSO ROMEO IS PROLLY A HOMEO
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Sara says:
July 22, 2008 at 12:01 amfunniest post in a looooong time:0 :) ;)
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bobtheenchantedone says:
July 22, 2008 at 12:39 amI love it. A lot. Oh wow...
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Ray says:
July 22, 2008 at 7:43 pmActuly, Eric, your not iliterit anuf for this pariddy.
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Dan_raven says:
July 22, 2008 at 8:22 pmThou hast Pron'd the entire L33t generation.
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Kaydria says:
July 22, 2008 at 9:59 pmthe end made me cry lol
After attempting to look through the imdb message board of The Dark Knight and promptly giving up, this is really what I needed to brighten my day. -
Clumpy says:
July 23, 2008 at 2:13 amHmm. . . not really sure why my comment was edited unless Jeff's in charge of that sort of thing. Look at Eric's review of the movie "Girls Will Be Girls" or of "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" and you'll see "b***h" without the asterisks in various stages of informality and a variety of appropriate suffixes.
Nevertheless, I guess the edit brought my comment in line with the original selection from this article. . .
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John says:
July 23, 2008 at 4:52 amGenius! The one that really cracked me up was "OMG this is the worst play EVER... hath william SUCKspeare even READ the narrative poem it's based on?????" And I'm glad I'm not the only one that cringes when people write "would of".
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Q says:
July 23, 2008 at 3:40 pmI'm surprised that through the entire column and comments we didn't get one single "w00t."
All of the above is annoying, but seeing that nonsensical word "w00t" (written with zeros even!) makes me downright homicidal.
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card says:
July 23, 2008 at 5:28 pmw00t for Q!
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Karen Gayle Stout says:
July 23, 2008 at 6:12 pmThis column was perfect all by itself. It really did not need any comments afterward, by readers who were attempting to mimic the illiterate fanboy style Eric was satirizing.
No, I mean it. It REALLY would have been better without them.
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Jim says:
July 23, 2008 at 8:52 pm@29: Thou hast Pron'd the entire L33t generation.
I think you mean pwn'd. 'Pron' or 'Pr0n' would be code for.. shall we say... 'adult' materials. Unless there's a way to view the column that turns it into dirty ASCII art or something...
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Clumpy says:
July 23, 2008 at 11:47 pm@Karen,
Though I understand that internetizens must as a rule be derivative and uncreative, I hate this parroting of the original jokes too :).
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corned_beef says:
July 24, 2008 at 2:08 pmKaren Gayle Stout,
This article was perfect until your comment. No, seriously. You ruined the entire article.
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Sean says:
July 24, 2008 at 5:04 pmJim, if you ROT13 the text, convert to hexadecimal, then treat each byte pair as a 16-bit big-endian WORD, and write each WORD to a new file in reverse order, you actually get a JPEG of Weird Al---hatless!
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Lotus says:
July 25, 2008 at 1:29 am....Hahahahahahaha!
I hope they post more comments like this...
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panda bear says:
August 2, 2008 at 4:47 amwhat does "w00t" even mean? can someone enlighten me?
and by the way, "thou art retarded" is the best thing i've heard all damn day
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Lisa says:
August 3, 2008 at 11:12 pmI totally disagree: you need to do a SnideCast of this. . .
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Dr. Shades says:
August 11, 2008 at 9:22 pmWilliam Shakespeare: Eric, do you think I should put more fire into my work?
Eric Snider: No, I think you should put more of your work into the fire!!
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card says:
August 12, 2008 at 11:47 pmpanda bear:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=woot
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Dale D says:
September 12, 2008 at 10:55 pmWilliam Shakespeare: Eric, do you think I should put more fire into my work?
Eric: No, I think you should put more of your work into the fire!!
William Shakespeare: I do think I shall change my name to William E. Shakespeare..... Dost thou like 't?
....and to be fair, it's really the Fanboys taking Shakespeare to task...Eric's only "quoting" them!Hey, Eric, I was wondering how long it took you to "download" that file...I suspect that modems were VERY slow in Shakespeare's time.....
Dale
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Twibz says:
October 23, 2008 at 12:48 am'thou art retarded'
I think my life might actually finally be complete.
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Libilu says:
December 18, 2008 at 10:06 pmBeing twelve years old and having to put up with the drama should be enough, but no, my soul also must constantly be tormented by the awful grammar, dreadful spelling and, well, overall illiteracy of my schoolmates. I wish I had a nickel for every time somebody gave me a blank look or simply laughed when I made a remark....
Seventh grade sucks.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Notes:
"Obscene ignorance" is a phrase I saw in a message board thread somewhere. The writer was speaking of a girl he knows who, despite claiming to be a Batman fan, was unaware of the real story on who killed Bruce Wayne's parents. This fellow decried her "obscene ignorance" and spoke of nearly throwing the table over in disgust. And you thought people like that only existed in parodies!
Unnecessary apostrophes, "your" for "you're," "would of" for "would have," "definately" for "definitely": Spending time on the Internet is like stabbing myself in the brain over and over again with a thousand tiny knives.
The content of this column loses much of its flavor when spoken rather than written, so there's no SnideCast recording.