Eric D. Snider

The First Man Ever to Decorate His Home with Hunting Trophies Tries to Sell His Wife on the Idea: A Dramatic Monologue

Snide Remarks #667

"The First Man Ever to Decorate His Home with Hunting Trophies Tries to Sell His Wife on the Idea: A Dramatic Monologue"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on June 12, 2012

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Hey, honey? I had some decorating ideas for when we move to the new house.

Now, just hear me out, OK?

So I was thinking we should put the nice recliners in that nook by the big windows, you know? And maybe buy a settee for over near the fireplace?

And then I was also thinking maybe a moose head on the wall?

Uh, it’s like a long upholstered seat.

Oh, that! Yeah. A moose head.

What do you mean “what do you mean?”? I’ll take the head of a moose, attach it to a flat piece of wood, and nail it to the wall.

What? Why not?? You got to put up those pictures of your parents!

The actual head of an actual moose, yes. A dead moose, obviously. Sorry, I should have mentioned that. It will be the head of a moose that has died. Not a living moose. That would be insane.

Well, yes, the antlers too. Why would I take off the antlers? Look, honey, I don’t want to be rude, but what part of this aren’t you getting? I’m going to take my rifle into the woods, shoot a moose with it, then sever the dead animal’s head from its body and hang it – i.e., the head – on the wall.

No, not as a warning to the other mooses. As a decoration! I don’t think “mooses” is even the right word. And how would it be a warning to other moose, anyway? There aren’t going to be any moose in our house!

OK, there will be ONE moose in our house. But it will be dead, and just the head. There aren’t going to be any live “mooses” in the house.

Well, yes, I do think it’s a little silly for you to assume that I intend to bring live woodland creatures into our home, actually. I’ve said nothing of the kind! I’m talking about one creature, and only its decapitated head, which I’m going to nail to the wall. It’s not like I’m inviting a herd of moose to graze in our kitchen or whatever.

I mean, come on, Susan.

No, there won’t still be blood dripping from the neck! Yeesh!

Ah! Now there’s a good question! What I was thinking I’d do is hollow out the head and fill it with sawdust, so there’s nothing left to rot. It won’t smell at all. It’ll be as sanitary as a vase!

Oh, they’ll be open, for sure. You don’t want the eyes closed. What, so it looks like it’s dead? That would be lame, honey. I know this isn’t really your thing, but just so you know, a moose head with closed eyes would be lame. You want it to look alive and vibrant, so you can really appreciate the majestic beauty of nature!

The majestic beauty of nature in the form of a dead moose’s severed head, yes. Exactly. Although I feel like you’re being sarcastic.

Haven’t you ever accomplished something significant and wanted to keep a reminder of it floating above you at all times? Just hovering in midair, like a gruesome specter that gazes down upon you forever? So any time you want, you can just look up and be like, “Oh, yeah. I killed a moose!”?

I don’t know, maybe it’s a guy thing.

OK, OK, we can come back to the moose head. Along those same lines, though, I’ve also got this rug made out of a bear that I was thinking we could spread in front of the fireplace, and maybe sometimes make love on top of it.

A bear, yeah. No, not just the head, the whole thing. I mean, I took out the skeleton and guts and stuff, so it’s flat. It’s really just the skin.

Oh, and the fur. It still has the fur! Ha ha, you were thinking I had a shaved, hairless, deflated bear! That’s hilarious. Oh, honey, that’s cute.

Basically, picture a bear that’s been run over by a steamroller in a cartoon. That’s pretty much what it looks like. Except that the head isn’t flat. The head is still head-shaped. But everything below the head is flat. It’s a very soft, comfortable rug. Very nice for snuggling.

Snuggling ON, I mean. Not snuggling WITH. You and I could lie down on the dead, flat bear, and, you know, see what happens…

Mmm, we’re on the bear’s back, I guess. Yeah. The bear is on its stomach, so we’re on its back. And it’s facing away from us.

Eyes open, yeah. The eyes are always open.

Well, I don’t know if I would have put it in those terms, but yeah, I guess I like the idea of making love to my wife on the back of a deceased, horizontal bear whose eyes are open as if it were still living and breathing.

Sure, you can think about it. We don’t have to decide anything right this minute.

There’s one other thing. Remember how I accidentally ran over that cat with the car a few weeks ago? Now, just hear me out….

Stumble It!

This item has 17 comments

  1. Michael Simons says:

    Hilarious! I hate animal trophies. I worked on a house for a very rich man that had a trophy room dedicated to thousands of animals he's slaughtered. Sad thing, the room was about 20 ft tall and larger than the apartment I'm in now, and he couldn't fit all his "trophies" in there.

  2. Lane says:

    Fun read. I feel like I should memorize this in case I'm ever in a situation where I need a monologue prepared. In the meantime, I'll just keep avoiding those situations.

  3. Christina D says:

    I was jogging the other day and someone's front door happened to be open. I glanced in as I ran by and saw this tiny little living room (if you've ever seen those little Utah box-type houses that were built in the 40s, you might be able to picture this a little better) with its walls pretty nearly covered by large deer and elk heads, neck to neck.

    I could only imagine to myself how intimidated visitors must feel with those myriad heads sitting at eye-level, staring at them with their sightless eyes and nearly poking you with their mediocre antlers and their dried out noses. So bizarre.

  4. momma snider says:

    And having been to Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland so many times, I would always expect the animal heads to come to life and maybe start singing.

  5. Tara says:

    Awesome. I especially loved: "The majestic beauty of nature in the form of a dead moose's severed head, yes. Exactly. Although I feel like you're being sarcastic."

  6. Joel says:

    Infinitely better with the audio. I dare you to recite this at a church talent show.

    This is masterful. How is it you're not just writing sketches for a living?

  7. Samantha says:

    "The majestic beauty of nature in the form of a dead moose's severed head" should be stamped on to T-shirts and sold at Stuckey's.

  8. Holly says:

    In my growing-up neighborhood, there lived an old man named Rudy. Every Halloween Rudy would place a deer head on a stump by his front door. There was a speaker inside the head, and Rudy would sit out of sight with a microphone and make the deer talk. Oh! The deer always had a fresh carrot in its mouth. You'd think that would've impaired its speech...

  9. Jonathan says:

    For those requiring a taxidermist, might I suggest the following fine fellow:

  10. Reeder says:

    Nice job, as always, but I just noticed something: This new batch started at #619. This one is #667. Does this mean only one more before pledge drive?!?

    Also, thanks for pronouncing vase the way I would have pronounced it, rather than the other, snobby way. The character doesn't seem like much of a snob anyway.

    Yes, I realize the irony of snobbily saying one pronunciation is correct and calling others snobs who prefer the other pronunciation. And I don't care.

    OK, I do care about being nice to others, but pointing out that something is a joke isn't as funny as making another joke to dig myself in deeper.

    I'm done.

  11. Mark Wilcox says:

    I just visited a 12,000 square foot house with dead animals all over, so this made my day. There are literally dead cheetahs hanging over one bed, leaving one to wonder if they might meet up with some cheetah defecation if they try any funny business on the bed. Almost every bed, in fact, had some dead African cat staring at it or hanging over it like they are about to pounce. Maybe it's some sad, ancient Chinese virility chi trick that went horribly wrong. Then again, maybe some dude just doesn't like his wife that much, in which case this tactic would work well to prevent any untoward forwardness from said spouse.

  12. Rob D. says:

    Very funny! You should do a dramatic dialogue on the first man to suggest to his wife an "open marriage" or a threesome with her best friend.

  13. Christi says:

    Great column!

    Although, the largest trophy collection I've ever seen belonged to a woman--a former co-worker of my mom. She was a bow hunter, and her house looked like the American wildlife wing of a natural history museum.

  14. Eric Juchau says:

    Loved the article. I dated this girl and her dad had a room just stuffed (pun) with dead animals. He was a taxidermist and a hunter so he took care of the whole process himself. This room was the room that this girl liked to hang out in (pun). Moose, bear, a myriad of birds, a few deer. I hated that room, and on a side note, I didn't like her dad either. Is that you mike?

  15. Frank says:

    Was Chuck Testa the speaker? ( It would be just that much better if he was.

  16. Another Eric says:

    @ Reeder: The difference between vase (rhymes with base) and vase (rhymes with gauze) is all about the perceived value of where the vase comes from. You buy a vase (first kind) at Kmart. You buy a vase (second kind) at Nordstrom.

    The title led me to expect some kind of caveman or other primitive human justifying why he should put his dead animals on display, which now has me wondering when the first trophy animal was ever used as a home decoration. Still very funny.

  17. Chuck Norris says:

    Silly Eric. Everybody knows the plural for moose is 'meese'. Proof? One goose, two geese. One moose, two meese. QED. In that same vein, one mouse, two mice, one house, two hice.

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