Eric D. Snider

The Perfect Thanksgiving

Snide Remarks #563

"The Perfect Thanksgiving"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on November 19, 2007

Audio MP3

Download audio

A Conservative's Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving should be a time of gratitude for all your good fortune (if you can really call it "fortune," considering you worked for everything you have). Think of the immigrants -- illegal, most of them -- who performed the backbreaking labor necessary to harvest the vegetables you're about to enjoy, and remember that this country would be a whole lot better off if they all went back to Mexico or wherever the hell they came from and let some honest-to-goodness Americans have those jobs.

Pause and reflect on the first Thanksgiving, way back in 1621. The savage Indians, tragically unacquainted with God, were so grateful to the Pilgrims for bringing them the light that they prepared a feast for them. In return, the Pilgrims taught the Indians to abandon their primitive ways and embrace Christianity. And thanks to those early settlers converting or killing everyone who opposed them, America has been a Christian nation ever since!

Be sure to thank your wife for preparing the beautiful meal, and remind her that she won't have to clean up afterward, because that's what your daughters are for.

As you carve the turkey, try not to feel embittered by the nation of Turkey's increasingly anti-American sentiment in recent years. Take comfort in the knowledge that President Bush's foreign policies will be vindicated one day, and let that knowledge make this Thanksgiving turkey taste all the juicier. Lighten the mood by telling your guests that the plump turkey is Michael Moore, only that it's fully cooked instead of half-baked. If anyone fails to laugh at your joke, eye them with suspicion for the rest of the evening, making a mental note to call Homeland Security later.

You'll want to offer a prayer before everyone starts eating, of course. To have a Thanksgiving dinner without a prayer would be a slap in the face to the Founding Fathers, devout Christian men who intended that this nation should never stop believing in Jesus, though you wouldn't know it from the atheists who run Hollywood and Congress.

Thank the Lord for all your blessings, and be sure to pray for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, doing all that great work that the traitorous New York Times refuses to report on. Pray that President Bush will continue to be inspired and guided in his decisions, just as he has been for the last seven years, and express gratitude that if it weren't for his bold leadership, we'd all be speaking Muslim right now. Pray also that your marriage will remain strong despite the constant efforts of homosexuals to undermine it.

You should also take a moment to pray for the less fortunate -- pray they'll get off their lazy butts and work a little harder so they can stop being so poor, that is.

Then enjoy the festivities! Assuming Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck all said it was OK, of course.


A Liberal's Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful for everything you have, assuming you can get past the guilt in knowing how many people have suffered so that you can have it. Ideally, you should spend your Thanksgiving volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, if only to balance out the karma. But it's understandable if you're not prepared yet to entirely give up your possessions and share them equally with everyone. Few of us are! Though it is something we strive for.

Be sure to pause for a moment and reflect on the first Thanksgiving, when America's legacy of arrogance and aggression was just beginning. Unbidden and unwelcome, our forefathers took food from passive Native Americans whose tribes had existed in complete peace and harmony for hundreds of years without a single inter-tribal conflict. In return, we introduced them to guns, deprivation, and death, just as Der Fuhrer Bush is doing now in Iraq. Light a candle for the lost souls and remember to make a contribution to the Native American Children's Fund tomorrow.

It's possible that some of your guests are not yet enlightened and sophisticated enough to be vegetarians. Be tolerant of them! If one of them brings a turkey to go along with your planned meal of tofurkey, organically grown potatoes, and wheat-grass pie for dessert, thank him, her, hym, or hir graciously and warn the other guests that a meat product might be on the table. Lighten the mood by telling everyone the turkey is George W. Bush, only instead of lies, treason, and impeachable offenses, this George W. Bush is filled with stuffing!

As everyone gathers at the table, remember to look outside to see if any passing homeless people want to join you. After all, it's not their fault that America's economic, educational, and healthcare situations are so bad, or even that they were born in this miserable country to begin with.

Apologize to your guests for adding to global warming by using an electric oven to prepare the meal. If you have not succeeded in populating your dinner table with at least one Jew, lesbian, African-American, and quadriplegic, apologize to your guests for that oversight, too, and assure them that no offense against those oppressed groups was intended.

Before you eat, allow everyone at the table a moment to silently pray to, or otherwise thank, God, Mother Earth, or whichever higher power they worship, if they worship one -- unless it's the Christian God, in which case they really ought to stop cramming that down everyone's throats and try to have a little respect for other people's beliefs.

At the end of the meal, offer a toast to the blessing everyone at the table appreciates most: the fact that Canada is so close by, making their empty threats of moving there seem almost believable.

Then get a good night's sleep! You'll need your strength tomorrow, the official start of Unspecified Winter Holiday shopping season.

Stumble It!

Notes:

I thought I might like to write something for Thanksgiving, and the joke about liberals allowing everyone except Christians to pray occurred to me first. I quickly determined there was no reason to just do "A Liberal's Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving"; why not make fun of everyone equally? Now I'm wondering if the readers who are really conservative or really liberal will still find a way to complain about the way their side is portrayed. ("I thought half of this column was hilarious! But the other half was unfair and not funny at all.")

If the layout of the site allowed it, I'd have put the two halves side-by-side rather than one after the other, because it really doesn't matter which order you read them in. One is not meant to be a "response" to the other, or anything like that. But the title box at the top and the Google ads on the side made a side-by-side layout unattractive and unfeasible.

For more on the extra pronouns "hym" and "hir" (one of which I think I made up), see this column from last year.

This item has 32 comments

  1. tye-dye says:

    hehehe clever

    love the juxtaposition of conservative vs. liberal

  2. Savvy Veteran says:

    Hilarious. This is how it should be done. Equal-oppurtunity offense.

  3. Tara says:

    So funny! I generally find myself to be more conservative, but I thought both sides were absolutely hilarious! I can't wait to read the comments by those you offended...

  4. Kathleen says:

    Ah. I'm a vegetarian, but there is no way I am going near tofurkey.

    A friend of mine (also vegetarian) insists on getting tofurkey every year, and every year, without fail, her family ends up using the tofurkey as a football in the backyard.

    Ah, Thanksgiving: where you eat way too much food with a bunch of people you can't stand. I want to know why we, as Americans, insist on torturing ourselves like this.

  5. cathryn says:

    Not being particularly tied to either side, I found this hilarious and not at all offensive. Of course, I don't think I've ever found anything you've written offensive, so I'm probably not a very effective barometer.

  6. SDR says:

    Well, I laughed more at the conservative side of the equation than the liberal side, despite identifying myself as conservative. Both were amusing, mind you, but I imagine my sense of humor makes it easier for me to laugh at what I know to be an exaggeration as opposed to the quite factual take on liberalism. ;)

    My favorite bit would have to be "Michael Moore/fully cooked/half baked" ... as a matter of fact, I intend to use it Thursday if at all possible. :)

  7. O'MAllen says:

    Not being particularly tied to either side, I found this offensive and not at all hilarious. How dare you make fun of both sides - that is not allowed - you must pick a side!!! Its people like you that forced the Supreme Court to choose the President ----- oh, I can't keep this up - it was very funny, I even woke my wife up to read her some of it.

  8. Neil says:

    Any wagers on how long it takes until Eric starts to get these back in his inbox as being written by Anonymous? The only question is if people will forward it as the joke it is intended to be, or if it will be forwarded as a serious guide - "Look, Star, this is what Ann Coulter sent out as a Thanksgiving Guide for Republicans!" and "Look, Marjorie, this is what Al Franken sent out as a Thanksgiving Guide for Democrats!" and all that...

  9. Nate says:

    I didn't find this week's column to be a gutbuster. It was ok, but you can't always be funny, so a mediocre column every so often isn't that big of a surprise.

  10. Queen of Everything says:

    the general satire in this is gut-busting. I loved it all, especially the conservative side. I found myself chuckling at the liberal, but I was more shocked to find that I happened to agree with a lot of it! AAAHH! I will not succumb to tofurky!

    hahahaha, 10/10, Eric. bravo! XD

  11. Queen of Everything says:

    and I didn't see Nate's comment before i submitted mine, so that just makes it funnier.

  12. Super Deadly Ham Attack says:

    Speaking as a really liberal person, I have to say the liberal's guide was absolutely hilarious, or a gutbuster, as Nate wouldn't have it. My only quibble is that instead of saying " at least one Jew, lesbian, African-American, and quadriplegic", it would probably be "one jewish-american, one lesbian-american, one handicapable person," blahbity blah, but I'm not going to pick nits on such an awesome article.

  13. The Linguist says:

    "...we'd all be speaking Muslim right now."

    Too funny!

  14. memikeyounot says:

    Very funny, as always. By Wednesday of this week, this will appear in my inbox from my white trash relatives in Utah as having been written by Jay Leno. Or they will use only the conservative portion to prove how bad "liberals" are. Keep up the great work.

  15. Jess says:

    teehee, speaking Muslim, that was genius.

    i liked the conservative side more, but both were very funny and hilariously satirical

  16. Chuckwagon Breakfast says:

    Tofurkey. Genius.

  17. Turkey-appropriate says:

    I'm sorta in the camp with SDR. I'm pretty sure I'm conservative, and as such was able to identify the satire there more readily. The liberal bit I couldn't identify with as well, so I pretty much just chuckled at the Christian God bit. Mostly it just made me feel guilty for not feeding the poor. Thanks a lot.

  18. VoteLibertarian says:

    As a staunch libertarian, I wish I could say that I was offended that you hadn't included "A Libertarian's Guide to the Perfect Thanksgiving" but what the hay (hey?), I don't care what people do as long as it doesn't bug me . . . or make me have to pay taxes . . .

  19. Greg says:

    Good ribbing on both sides of the spectrum. I will have to say that the conservative bit was less of a stretch, though :D

    I love Thanksgiving, er... I love turkey and Thanksgiving is a good excuse to gorge oneself on it. Mmmmm.... turkey.

  20. Kaydria says:

    hahaha. The liberal side basically described every person in the major cities of the Pacific Northwest. Love it.

  21. Ticia says:

    Being both a conservative AND a vegetarian *I* was offended by BOTH sides. Oh, wait, no I wasn't. Offended, that is. I really am both of those other things, though. Very funny, Eric! I enjoyed it.

  22. Cowboy says:

    Normally you have me lol-ing all over the place. Not this time. Granted my mood is not the greatest but I didn't laugh once. ONCE! I didn't find it funny. I found it sad because there are actually people who think that way. A lot of them.

  23. Pappy Yokum says:

    While I lean to the conservative side, I found both sides to be very descriptive of how the other side sees things. Anyone offended needs to lighten up and laugh at themselves a little. This was hilarious and I too hope to use the Michael Moore joke and I promise to give credit where credit is due.

  24. Going back to the stomping grounds to gorge on pies and a turkey I don't have to cook says:

    Very funny satire!

    The only thing that would have been a funnier juxtaposition to the tofurkey (man, that sounds bad!) would have been a "turducken" for extreme excess!

    Kaydria--the liberal side describes every person in any major city in the country! (except maybe the South)

  25. Ben C. says:

    I could see Steven Colbert doing the Conservative Thanksgiving. It's exactly like something he would put on his show! Hilarious!

  26. The UnMighty says:

    It might have been perfect had you mentioned the Jehovah's Witnesses and their right to not celebrate at all. Oh well, maybe next year.

  27. Jordanne says:

    Brilliant. XD

  28. SephHexen says:

    This was pretty hilarious. Oddly enough, I found I couldn't identify with either side even a little bit, making me think that I'm more neutral than I thought. O.o

  29. Matt says:

    I thought half of this column was hilarious! But the other half was unfair and not funny at all.

  30. sara says:

    After reading all of these comments (ok, most of them) it looks like you really need to step it up a notch because I don't see ANYONE who was really offended! tut, tut. Should have pushed the immigrant thing a bit more... you know an article is only as good as the volume of hate mail it inspires!

    Good job though:)

  31. John Doe says:

    Eric, you seriously think this is one of your best articles this year? I guess it proves there's no accounting for taste. For the record, I wasn't offended by this article but was merely underwhelmed by every part of it.

  32. Eric D. Snider says:

    John, where did I say I thought it was one of my best articles this year? I used a chunk from it in the year-in-review column, but all that means is that I thought that chunk was funny. I don't think I've commented anywhere on what I thought my best columns of the year were.

Add your comment:

The following HTML elements are allowed: <span class="spoiler">content</span>, <strong>, <em>, <a>, and <img>.

Before posting, please read the rules.

Subscription Center

Eric D. Snider's "Snide Remarks"

This is to join the mailing list for Eric's weekly humor column, "Snide Remarks." For more information, go here.

Subscribe

Eric D. Snider's "In the Dark"

This is to join the mailing list for Eric's weekly movie-review e-zine. For more information on it, go here.

Subscribe
 
This site created and maintained by Jeff J. Snider | Diamond Clarity Chart