The Stupid Agenda
Snide Remarks #295
"The Stupid Agenda"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on June 14, 2002
It happened again today. I was standing next to someone at the grocery store, and I could tell -- by his voice, his mannerisms, the way he walked -- that he was one of THOSE people. You know ... stupid.
Now, I have nothing against stupid people. If they want to be stupid, that's their business. (And don't give me that crap about how they were "born that way." You're saying God INTENDS people to be stupid?!) Just don't flaunt your stupidity in front of me, that's all!
I'm not stupid. I'm actually quite smart, which is the exact opposite. And as a smart person, I have no interest in being approached by a dummy, or a moron, or whatever they want to be called this week.
"Wanna go watch wrestling?" "Hey, I really loved 'The Scorpion King!'" "Morning radio DJs sure are funny!" I cringe when I hear things like that. To think these stupids are spouting their perverse way of thinking in front of our impressionable young people!
Which brings me to another point. The bleeding-heart liberals have gone too far, insisting that public schools cannot fire a teacher "just" for being stupid. A teacher's personal life has nothing to do with the classroom? My foot! You can't tell me children won't be influenced by a teacher's obvious, flaming stupidity, flouncing around the classroom, promoting his stupid agenda.
The stupid agenda is insidious, you know. They want equal treatment with normal, smart people. Just 50 years ago, no one even talked about "alternative" thinking styles. If you knew someone who was stupid, you didn't mention it. Sure, you'd notice one in the locker room now and then -- you can be sure they'd stand out there, fumbling with the combination lock, bumping into things, putting their shorts on their heads, and so on. But they were "light in the lobes," that's all -- and they darned sure kept quiet about it!
Used to be that celebrities who were idiots kept their private lives private. Mark Twain was ragingly stupid, and Ernest Hemingway was often seen in stupid-oriented dinner clubs. Did they write books promoting the stupid lifestyle, encouraging readers to follow their example and turn to a life of idiocy? No!
Nowadays, if someone in Hollywood is an imbecile, EVERYONE knows about it. Ashley Judd, Seann William Scott, Freddie Prinze Jr. -- stupid as a French horn, all of them, and not too subtle about it. Tom Cruise claims not to be stupid, but he sure has a large stupid following. And would a smart man have dumped Nicole Kidman? He's not fooling me!
They've even taken a perfectly innocent word -- "dumb," which used to mean "unable to speak" -- and perverted it to mean someone like them. Oh, and THEY can call EACH OTHER "dumb," but heaven forbid I say it, or shout it at them as I drive past a group of them standing in the middle of a busy intersection outside a Wal-Mart! Then, all of a sudden it's a "hate crime."
Now I see the dummies want to be able to marry each other, and even to have children. Disgusting! If a child is raised by cretins, is there any hope of his NOT being a cretin? It's tragic, but you see numbskulls with kids all the time, perpetuating their numbskullery. They've given them dumb, misspelled names like Arikka, Mykal and Tommus, and pierce their ears when they're a year old, and let them grow mullets.
I can see how stupids have their place in society. They produce a lot of movies and a majority of TV shows, some of which are enjoyable for their campy humor. But does that mean we have to accept their way of non-thinking? No, it doesn't. They do more harm than good anyway, spreading stupid-people diseases like dyslexia and rickets.
I say we round up all the stupid people, put them on an island, and let nature take its course. They won't know how to make anything, of course, or contact the mainland, and some of them will probably just wander into the sea and drown. And most importantly, they'll be out of our hair forever, and America can go back to the way it was a hundred years ago: 100 percent smart.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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