Eric D. Snider

Uncle Shrek

Snide Remarks #556

"Uncle Shrek"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on September 17, 2007

I got a voicemail from my mom a few weeks ago saying she and my 2-year-old niece, Lindsay, were calling to talk to Shrek because Lindsay wanted to tell him that she had pooped in the toilet. None of this made any sense to me, of course. Had my mother's early-onset senility caused her to dial my number thinking it was that of a cartoon character? Did she know she was calling me but somehow think that I WAS Shrek? It was troubling, not least because apparently crazy Mom was babysitting Lindsay, and who knew what kind of trouble the two of them might wander into. It was like a cat babysitting a monkey.

A cat babysitting a monkey.

As it turns out, my mother is completely sane and in full possession of her faculties, and my panicked phone calls to nursing homes were premature, although I am hanging on to the pamphlets they sent just in case. My brother and his wife have been listening to Dr. Phil, the noted hillbilly TV psychologist, and he said a fun reward for kids in the potty-training process can be to let them call their favorite fictional characters to share the good news whenever they have a success. You get friends and family to pose as the characters, of course; it's only over the phone, not in person, and children are gullible and stupid.

The kids only get to call their beloved animated friends when they go in the toilet, though. When they go in their pants, they have to call Satan.

So under this system, many of my siblings had already been called upon to act as Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Aladdin, and assorted other Disney characters with whom Lindsay is intimately familiar. Now she had branched out and requested Shrek, and Mom figured I was the man for the job.

"Lindsay went poopie in the toilet, and she wanted to tell Shrek about it," my mom said when I called her back.

"Uh-huh," I said. "So I just have to do a Shrek voice?"

"Yeah."

"All right. Put her on."

Lindsay came to the phone.

Lindsay has exciting news for the inhabitants of Far Far Away.

"Hello?"

At first I was concerned about imitating Shrek properly, but then I realized something Mike Myers realized long ago: Shrek's only distinction is that he has a Scottish accent. He sounds exactly like all the other Scottish characters Mike Myers has ever played -- indeed, like every Scottish person I've ever heard speak. Shrek isn't a character; he's a dialect.

Armed with that knowledge, I plunged ahead.

"Hello, Lindsay?" I bellowed in my best Scottish accent, which isn't very good but which is close enough.

"Hi!"

"This is Shrek! D'ya have somethin' t'tell me?"

"I went poopie."

Now, this was not news. She had gone poopie many times before. I had seen her do it. She was burying the lead, as we say in the news business. So I prompted her.

"Where didja go?"

"In the toilet!"

"Oh, what a big girl you are! That's great!"

"Yeah!"

She seemed very pleased to be talking to Shrek. But a conversationalist she is not. Having gotten the business part of the phone call out of the way, she didn't know what else to say. Still in character, I improvised.

"I never go in the toilet. I always just go poopie in the swamp!"

This seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing for Shrek to say. If I were dressed as Shrek at a Dreamworks theme park, and kids wanted to talk to me, and the subject of poop came up -- which it totally would, if you're talking to Shrek -- then I would tell them I poop in the swamp.

But Lindsay didn't seem interested in my revelation about her beloved swamp-dweller's bathroom habits. She just said "Yeah!" again. Come on, Linds. Would it kill you to add something to the conversation? When I'm talking to her in person and the conversation dries up, I can fill time by honking her nose or making a funny face, but those things don't really translate over the phone. What I should have said here was, "Be sure to buy my new movie, 'Shrek the Third,' on DVD Nov. 13!" Again, that seems like something Shrek would say. Really, I should be writing for these movies. He's an easy character to write for.

Shrek: deeply interested in your toddler's bowel movements.

That was pretty much it. She handed the phone back to Grandma and I went back to my regular speaking voice. (I didn't think my mom wanted to talk to Shrek.) And let me just point out that my brothers and sisters have gotten off easy. How hard is it to talk like Aladdin or Cinderella? They just have regular voices! I had to do an accent for mine! I'm just glad she didn't ask me to put Donkey on the phone, because I don't think I can do his voice.

I kind of like Dr. Phil's idea of having fictional characters congratulate your children for fulfilling the basic requirements of human hygiene. We already lie to kids about the existence of imaginary beings such as Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, and Eskimos, so why not let them think cartoon characters are real, too? And not only are they real, but Mom and Dad have their phone numbers! That's gotta earn you some Cool Points in your toddlers' eyes -- except I guess little kids probably don't understand the concept of phone numbers, and they're not going to remember any of this when they get older anyway. But still: For one brief, shining moment, little Lindsay thought that Shrek cared about her defecation habits. It's heart-warming, isn't it?

By the way, when I poop in the toilet, I call Jack Bauer.

Comments & Reaction:

I noticed a parallel between my mom calling me wanting to talk to Shrek and kids e-mailing me wanting to get in touch with Raven-Symone, but I couldn't find a way to work a reference to that into the column. Just know that the thought did occur to me.

Oh, and when I call Jack Bauer, he always gets angry because he never gets a chance to go to the bathroom at all, as you know if you've watched "24."

This item has 51 comments

Lane says:
September 17, 2007 at 1:10 am
Very entertaining! The part about calling Stan was great.

At Universal Studios Hollywood, you can talk to Donkey and he's pretty funny. Shrek walks around, but I don't think he talks.
card says:
September 17, 2007 at 1:19 am
Those poor, poor fictional Eskimos.

I loved that part!
SDR says:
September 17, 2007 at 2:36 am
I can relate to this. Without needing *any* prompting from Dr Phil, a variation on this trick was used on my youngest son who would not eat his vegetables. A call was placed to "Superman" (as played by a family friend) who informed the youngster that vegetables are an important part of the diet. It worked (for that one evening, at least).

Months later, he asked to talk to Superman on the phone. We'd forgotten about it until he reminded us about that day at Golden Corral when he got to talk to Superman about eating green (aka vegetables).

Ah, good times...
Eric Herman says:
September 17, 2007 at 7:13 am
Great column!

We'll have to try that for our 2 year-old, who is about to start potty training. Her favorites are Curious George (easy to imitate that), Woody or Buzz from Toy Story (fairly easy) and Mickey Mouse (downright difficult to get that high-pitched of a voice without some helium nearby). I think we'll go with Curious George.

We had our older daughter talk with Big Bird once, but it had nothing to do with poop, and it had the advantage of being someone we know who has actually done the voice of Big Bird for many radio promos and knows Carol Spinney (the real Big Bird) very well. So it was totally authentic and she was thrilled. She also talked to Maisy, but that was my wife. The funny thing is that in both cases, Becca totally dominated the conversation. You'd think if it was your one chance to talk to a big star like Big Bird or Maisy, you might want to let them get a word in, and maybe get some wisdom or advice from them, eh?

I guess I could have our 2 year-old call the Big Bird guy we know about the poop thing, but I think he would probably start getting annoyed if that happened all the time. Then again, maybe that could be a new service for voice actors who can do character voices: 1-900-IGOPOOP. Only $3 per minute!
Lowdogg says:
September 17, 2007 at 8:30 am
It took me a while to figure out who Lane was talking about. I was thinking "Stan? I don't remember Lindsay calling anyone named Stan." Then I realized that he meant Satan. And I agreed that it was very funny.

Whenever we would act up as kids, my father used to tell us about "Mrs. Magillicuddy." If we misbehaved he would call her to come babysit. For some reason this terrified us.
Diane says:
September 17, 2007 at 8:40 am
I was 6 years old in 1972 when Greg Brady was hit on the head surfing in Hawaii. It was a thrilling cliff hanger in a three part series. What happened to Greg? Was he alright? Tune in next week to find outâ€¦ My sister and I were hysterical and refused to go to bed. We could not stop crying. I got to talk to a TV executive, who assured me Greg was fine.
John Doe says:
September 17, 2007 at 9:34 am
Just think, 10 years from now she'll be the only one of her circle of friends who has an article on the internet about going poopie when she was 2 years old. She'll be mortified, but I guess the parents will always have something to black-mail her with during those terrible teenage years :)
Linda H. says:
September 17, 2007 at 10:07 am
This may be an example of the ONLY good idea Dr. Phil has ever had. Funny that it should relate to poop, which is mostly what his other ideas are.

hee!
BeeDub says:
September 17, 2007 at 11:13 am
I agree that most of Dr. Phil's show is crap. (But then, he did get his start from Oprah, so what did I expect?)
Ben C. says:
September 17, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Probably the biggest "fight" my wife and I ever got in was whether or not to let our kids believe in Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, etc... I didn't as a kid and she did. She talked about how fun it was and exciting to get a gift from Santa on Christmas morning and how the whole family made a big deal about it. Then I asked her to remember the day she found out he wasn't real and how traumatic it was. I won. Why start off lying to your kids? I was just as happy to get a gift. Who it was from is of no concern to a child. We were just told to not tell the other kids he didn't exist.
Karen says:
September 17, 2007 at 12:46 pm
You think she won't remember talking to Shrek or the others, but she might, and she will be crushed to find out it wasn't real. I went with my mom to a polling station once and I told her I wanted to vote for Abraham Lincoln. She told me I could. Imagine how confused I was when I started school some time later and learned that Abraham Lincoln was dead, and had been for more than 100 years! I could never trust my mom again...
kevith says:
September 17, 2007 at 12:49 pm
First off, the part about having to call Satan was pretty funny. Maybe Lindsay's parents will let you play that voice acting role as well.

I also wanted to say that, like Ben C., I have had the argument with my wife about whether or not to let our kids be duped by the whole Santa Claus thing. If you couldn't tell from that sentence, I grew up knowing that presents came from loved ones and that Santa was some guy associated with Christmas. Would I sit on his lap at the mall and tell him what I wanted? Yeah, but it wasn't because I thought he was going to do anything about it. It was more like pleasant small talk while we had our picture taken.

I guess we need to sort this one out pretty soon now that we have a kid.
Phil Cardenas says:
September 17, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I thought Lane was thinking about Stan from "South Park". An encounter with an angry, swearing, Cartman hating cartoon character would certainly cause a bowel movement within a small kid...
Pappy Yokum says:
September 17, 2007 at 1:28 pm
What?!!!!!! Santa isn't real?!!!!!! AAAAAggggghhhhhh!!! Oh the shame of it! My parents, Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause, all a great big hoax! What will I ever do?!
Jeff J. Snider says:
September 17, 2007 at 1:56 pm
I would just like to state, for the record, that I doubt BeeDub has ever watched an episode of Dr. Phil, and that if he has, he still can't actually give me one example of the "crap" that he thinks most of Dr. Phil's show is. I don't know Linda H., so I don't know if her response is the same as BeeDub's ("it's popular, so it must suck"), but I can't imagine someone watching Dr. Phil even semi-regularly and thinking most of his ideas are "poop." I could see not liking the format of the show. I could see not enjoying the show because so many of the things Dr. Phil says are just common sense. But actually watching and actively disagreeing with him ... I just can't picture a logical person doing that on a regular basis.

But yes, my daughter is adorable.
Janssen says:
September 17, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Eric, Kim Bauer is in the show so that they can focus on someone totally unimportant while all the other real characters rush to the bathroom.
Amp says:
September 17, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Dr. Phil's only redeemable quality is that Letterman used to do "Words of Wisdom from Dr. Phil", and they were hilarious. I wish Letterman hadn't stopped those, although "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" is generally funny.

I subscribe to the no Santa philosophy. We tell our kids he's just a character in a book and some people like to pretend he's real but he's not. We haven't broached the subject of not telling other kids Santa is pretend, but I think we'll have to this year. I think it's best to teach them from the beginning the real reason for Christmas.
Tara says:
September 17, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Funny - I've done the same thing with my toddler, only I wasn't imaginative enough to come up with the Shrek incentive, or little mermaid Ariel, or her lobster-friend Sebastian (imagine the faux pan-Caribbean accent: Oh, you went poopy in de potty - wait till your fadder hears about dis one).

So I called my parents instead and my daughter was congratulated by Grandma and Grandpa. No problems dere, except when they happened to be in a fancy restaurant or at a movie. Imagine my folks in a movie, say, The Bourne Expedition or whatever it was: "Oh, you went poopy on the potty? That's GREAT! Yeah! We like poopy in the potty."

My poor parents - they thought the humiliation ended when I grew up and left the house.

Tanks for de laugh.
David Cornelius says:
September 17, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Next time, Lindsay should just call Dr. Phil. He's my favorite fictional character.
card says:
September 17, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I could have sworn that when I saw Lane's comment the first time, that it said "Satan." But then after I posted, I did notice that it said "Stan." Maybe my brain automatically put the extra 'a' in to make the comment make sense to me.
Momma Snider says:
September 17, 2007 at 8:39 pm
You hang on to those nursing home brochures. Otherwise all you kids are going to have to take me into your homes on turns. But maybe you can keep me in line by letting me call Weird Al or Paul McCartney if I behave.
whome says:
September 17, 2007 at 8:40 pm
We celebrate Saint Nicolas Day on December 6th so he's not even part of Christmas. He wasn't, really. I'm not sure why his holiday was joined with Christmas, maybe it was just convenience. But my kids really like getting two gift-holidays in December. (And I don't mind it myself.)
Cameron says:
September 17, 2007 at 9:02 pm
ERIC: I went poopie, Jack!

JACK: Dammit, Eric, there's no time! You've got to trust me -- JUST GO!!!
Lane says:
September 17, 2007 at 10:59 pm
Yes, I meant to say Satan, as usual.
Aaron says:
September 17, 2007 at 11:00 pm
I got phone calls at work from my wife, asking me to congratulate our son for pooping in the potty. This wouldn't have been too bad, except that I shared a phone in an office suite with a dozen other grad students, who were oh so delighted to find out that we were potty training.
knightmare says:
September 17, 2007 at 11:41 pm
I always laugh at statements like this: "I think it's best to teach them from the beginning the real reason for Christmas." and "We celebrate Saint Nicolas Day on December 6th so he's not even part of Christmas. He wasn't, really. I'm not sure why his holiday was joined with Christmas, maybe it was just convenience.".

Christmas was blended with Santa Clause and created as a Christian holiday to overrun/overrule the pagan holiday that was celebrated at that time. There is not one single Christmas tradition, ideal, festivity or item that does not have a pagan background.

On a related note, I have Santa's pager number. My husband has an alpha numeric pager and I go on the website when the kids are up to mischief and type in a description of what they're doing. A few moments later, Santa calls and the kids are always surprised when he knows exactly what they were doing. Eventually, they'll be told that Santa wasn't just a real person, but that he's a feeling and a generosity that we all share, an idea of love and acceptance.

Great column :D
mommyof3 says:
September 18, 2007 at 7:30 am
Very cute column and one to which I totally relate. I have had many bouts of potty training frustration with my little boys. In the end (pardon the pun), I figure at worst they'll just transition from Pampers to Depends-it's all good. I do, however, feel the need to defend Dr. Phil-or at least some of his ideas. Let me say I rarely watch anything on TV except Noggin or Nick Jr., but I kinda like some of Dr. Phil's advice. I don't, like so many unfortunate people, dismiss him completely because of one or two sound bytes. I especially like when he asks people, "How's that workin' for ya?" I don't necessarily think of him as a "professional", but rather as a person with practical everyday common sense who expresses it in down-to-earth terms. As for Santa, yeah it was kind of a bummer to find out my gifts weren't from him, but I got over it. I let my kids believe in a lot of fictional characters-like people who write columns on the Internet! Sorry, I couldn't resist!
Lowdogg says:
September 18, 2007 at 8:41 am
I don't hate Dr. Phil. I have never watching more than a few minutes of any one of his shows. I am disinclined from watching him because the way that some of the guests are utilized seems exploitative.

But as I contemplate my 2 year old and the potty training ahead, a call from Mickey Mouse or Buzz Lightyear is not a bad idea.

I also think Oprah is exploitative sometimes. And that Tracy Morgan does a hilarious impression of her, and that this clip of Tracy Morgan is very applicable to my comment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWdu6TMrdp0
whea-wix says:
September 18, 2007 at 11:22 am
I tried to watch Dr. Phil this summer, but I really hated every show I saw: the lady who beat her five children, the meth-addict dad who freaked his kids out by passing out on the floor, the Dr. Phil house and the train wreaks who lived there. These shows made me feel horrible inside. So Jeff says, "I can't imagine someone watching Dr. Phil even semi-regularly and thinking most of his ideas are "poop." ", well I do. I really dislike his show; I really dislike his ideas. I wouldn't call them poop, but I don't like his show. And I don't see any way to seperate his ideas from the show that bears his name.
Jeff J. Snider says:
September 18, 2007 at 11:31 am
But his IDEAS on those shows were certainly that the lady SHOULDN'T beat her children, and that being a meth addict WASN'T good parenting, etc., right? Like I said, I can totally understand not liking the format of the show, or thinking "Duh, you need a degree in psychology to know that this lady shouldn't beat her kids?" but HIS advice and ideas, while often common sense, are generally in the "not poop" category.
whea-wix says:
September 18, 2007 at 11:58 am
But how can you seperate his ideas from his show? His show is not what I consider to be "good." The show is his idea. Ergo, his ideas are not "good." And I really disagreed with the advice he gave to the wreaks in the Dr. Phil house. (Just the house is a bad idea. "Let's take a bunch of people with the same problem and lock 'em up together! That'll fix 'em!" Yeah, fix 'em like natural selection.)
Jeff J. Snider says:
September 18, 2007 at 12:53 pm
The show was not his own idea. If all it took was someone wanting to have a TV show, there would be a lot more TV shows. So sure, if you don't like the idea of the show, then the part that was his fault goes into the "bad idea" column. What about "Don't beat your kids"? What about "You husband just got out of prison after being convicted of trying to kill you -- yeah, you should NOT let him move back in with you." What about telling the people who cook a dozen eggs and a steak every morning for their 900-pound relative that they are part of the problem? Common sense? Yes. But "poop" ideas? No. Which is why I disagreed with the people who said most of his ideas are poop, especially since I have a very strong suspicion that one of the people who said it has absolutely no basis for his opinion.
pizzatheface says:
September 18, 2007 at 12:58 pm
My sister calls me up every Christmas Eve to let Santa tell her kids to get in bed so he can visit their house and get some sleep himself. This has become kind of awkward since I've had kids, who might wonder why I'm pretending to be Santa on the phone. Perhaps this year I'll misunderstand her and let them talk to Satan instead. Good thinking, Eric.
pizzatheface says:
September 18, 2007 at 1:00 pm
...Oh, and I think I'm going to try threatening my kids with Mrs. Magillicuddy as a babysitter also. Seems vague and malicious enough to be a good idea.
whea-wix says:
September 18, 2007 at 1:05 pm
I feel we are talking (typing) at cross purposes here. The Dr. Phil Show (proper noun) is not a bad idea. The idea of him having his own show is fine. I'm savvy with that. I use to like the Dr. Phil Show (proper noun). However, I feel the ideas of the individual shows (common noun) are not good. And I disagree with his advice at times. Thus, I do not like either his shows (again, common noun) or his ideas.

Should you let the man who tried to kill you move back into your house? No. Should you beat your children? No. Should you need someone to tell you this? No.

Having relatives pretend to be favorite characters is clever when potty training. My son has called Mama T to tell her he went poop in the potty. He would probably do it more if I let him call SpongeBob.

To concluded: I never said his ideas were poop. A direct quote: "I wouldn't call them poop." I just don't like his shows (common noun) which are his ideas.
Jeff J. Snider says:
September 18, 2007 at 1:21 pm
As long as we are directly quoting you:

"So Jeff says, 'I can't imagine someone watching Dr. Phil even semi-regularly and thinking most of his ideas are "poop." ', well I do."

So yes, I was typing on the misunderstanding that you thought most of his ideas are poop. I saw where you said most of his ideas were poop, and I missed the part where you said they weren't. I don't quite get your distinction between proper nouns and common nouns, and I don't think "I disagree with his advice at times" actually supports "I do not like ... his ideas." But since you don't think his ideas are poop, I am not sure we are actually having a discussion here.
Momma Snider says:
September 18, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Poop schmoop.

I've been thinking about this "lying" to the kids thing. Everyone I know (my siblings and my kids, anyway) have made an easy, smooth transition from believing in Santa to figuring it out. My brothers and I felt like detectives as we realized that certain things COULDN'T have been Santa, and so on. Even just leaving the cookies for him (we left birthday cake, because Joy's birthday is Christmas Eve) eventually helps them figure it out, as they begin to notice that the handwriting he leaves is like Mom's. We never went to great lengths to convince them he did exist, but we just played along, and everyone did fine.

I wonder, if a person insists on total reality for their kids, do you also stop a little girl from singing to her baby doll? "No, Honey, you know that baby isn't real, and she can't hear you." Do you never let her call Grandma on her play phone? Little kids are so full of imagination, and when the time comes to differentiate, the Santa thing is a clear-cut example for them.

Well, unless they're 12 or so by the time they figure it out.
Jessica says:
September 19, 2007 at 12:06 am
Hear, hear, Momma Snider! Every time I hear that someone has decided not to "lie" to their children about Santa, I think a little bit of magic has gone out of the world. Calling Big Bird might cheer me up, though. . . .
Rhino says:
September 19, 2007 at 9:38 am
I'm pretty sure this wasn't Dr. Phil's idea, we did this exact thing years ago and I certainly hope we didn't get the idea from him. If we did, however, I will give him credit for accomplishing one good thing in the world. My son could go on the potty, he just didn't care to do it every time.

Me looking foolish while I tried to be Boots from Dora the Explorer (or god forbid Dora...) on the phone was totally worth it. Giving him M&M's, meh. Letting him talk to his favorite TV character? He loved that, pretty much instant potty trained. And thankfully kids are very gullible, it's the best thing about them.
Lisa says:
September 19, 2007 at 1:52 pm
When I call to tell you I've finally delivered my fifth baby, will you pretend to be Sting on the phone?
QMO says:
September 19, 2007 at 4:42 pm
1. I don't mind if my kids pretend about Santa Claus (or the Easter Bunny, Eskimos, etc.) and I don't go out of my way to shatter those illusions, but if they ever ask me, I'll tell them the truth. (i.e. I'm sorry dear, but North Dakota is imaginary.) They all enjoy Christmas nearly as much as I do.

2. From a signature line I saw on some forum (Either slashdot or the Actuarial Outpost, I'm a nerd.), "Jack Bauer never goes to the bathroom, because nothing escapes Jack Bauer." Or something like that.
cathryn says:
September 19, 2007 at 9:55 pm
My husband and I have decided not to "do" Santa either. We might play along, if the kids hear about it (and of course they will) and want to. We'll have fun with the story if they want, but we won't ever tell them, Yes, Santa exists because I want my kids to know that I am someone they can come to who will ALWAYS tell them the truth.

Yes, kids have incredible imaginations, my 4-year-old astonishes me everyday with the things she comes up with, and yes, I totally pretend with her. And no, I never go into lecture mode about how these games aren't real. I think she understands that pretty well given that she's coming up with them on her own.

I have an especially hard time with Santa though, since he is so much a part of Christmas which is supposed to be focused on the Savior. I determined my stance for sure last year, when my daughter was 3.5, and I was trying to explain how Santa fits in to this holiday that celebrates the birth of Christ, and it just seemed too hard for her to ever comprehend.

There are these two people I'm telling you about, in the same context, the same sentence even. You can't see either of them, you're supposed to ask both of them for things, both care how "good" you are, yet one of them is entirely make believe and the other, well, the other is someone I hope you will base your whole life around! It didn't make sense to me, and I couldn't see how that could make sense to a 3 year old!
Justin says:
September 20, 2007 at 5:41 pm
I'm pretty sure 'Donkey' is just as much of a dialect as 'Shrek'. Of course, it is about a jillion* times less politically correct (i.e., we wouldn't want Lindsay getting offended and reporting Eric to the NAACP).

I've heard Satan referred to as "Lucifer", "Beelzebub", "the Devil", and even "the old dragon", but this is the first time I've ever heard of "Stan". Perhaps some of us are getting a little too chummy with the Prince of Darkness?

*not an exact figure.
Paul Norman says:
September 20, 2007 at 6:13 pm
This was a very funny post from Eric, I thought. I thought I would comment on the Santa thing: with apologies to Jessica, we never taught our children to believe in Santa Claus. We did not push hard on the do NOT believe side of the question either. We answered truthfully when asked about it. The odd thing was that by the time they got to be about four, they totally believed because their friends convinced them of it.
liss says:
September 20, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Doesn't Shrek have an outhouse?
Kaydria says:
September 21, 2007 at 4:37 am
This is my favorite Snide Remark in a long time. I laughed, I cried. The first three paragraphs were especially hilarious. Well done, Snide One. I definitely plan on making my children call Satan one day.
Turkey says:
September 21, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Kinda reminds me of that MST3K where they try to call Satan and sell Mike's sould to him and wind up with Stan instead. So Mike's soul was being sold to Stan, who collects them or something. It's been a while so the details are fuzzy.

And to the poster who thinks that the obvious doesn't ever need to be pointed out to people: you have far too much faith in humanity. That show never fails to cheer me when the idiot actually DOES need to be told not to let his 2-year-old play on the roof or let his dog drive his car or do her taxes while driving. People are stupid. Other people tell them this, yet they refuse to believe it until a TV personality tells them so, hence why Dr. Phil, who is useful in the regard that he is a professional therapist or whatever he's called and is trained to see why these people are morons. It's just nice to see them be told they're stupid in plain and simple terms.

And Oprah does the happy shows well, but the Dr. Phillish kinda shows? Not so much. She basically just tells people they suck and they need help and when the people look to her for that help she goes to commercial. Bah.
Raven Symone says:
September 21, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Eric, do you have Jack Bauer's email address?
Joy Snider says:
October 20, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Santa made it much easier for me to have faith in God as a little kid. They're both people I don't see, but who love me and know all about me and do nice things for me. But to a child, getting presents is a much more tangible of a "nice thing" than understanding that every single thing in my life is a gift from God. Santa is the milk, God is the delicious steak.

Also, I never had a moment's distress when I realized Santa wasn't real. How's this for cute: I finally decided I was old enough to know for sure, so I prayed for an answer.
Eric D. Snider says:
October 20, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Did Santa answer you?
The UnMighty says:
October 24, 2007 at 9:41 pm
Hello Eric,

I just took a sh#@ on the floor. Just thought you should know.

This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.