Urine Trouble

Snide Remarks #549

"Urine Trouble"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on July 23, 2007

Note: This column contains too much personal information. Also, the story's ending is unsatisfying. Complaints about either of those elements will fall on deaf ears.

A few years ago, I discovered one day that I had developed a strange problem: I couldn't pee. That is to say, I could pee, but only if I pushed really hard. Even when I really, really had to go, I couldn't actually do it without a lot of effort.

This was a complete reversal from the natural order of things. I had been urinating several times a day, every day, for the previous 20-some-odd years, and I had never had trouble doing it. Usually, when you have to go, it's as easy as standing there and lettin' 'er rip. In fact, some people go even when they don't want to, like when they've been startled by something, or, in the case of women who have had a few babies, when they laugh, or jump on a trampoline.

Tinkling is supposed to be easy, in other words. The other toilet activity, sure, it's common enough to have trouble there. The pharmacy aisles are lined with products to help you when you're constipated. But who ever heard of being pee-constipated? It was crazy.

At first the situation was just annoying. I COULD pee, you understand; it's not like my bladder was inflating to the size of a beach ball. It just required a lot of work. And one of the unfortunate quirks of human physiology is that if you push the muscles up front, it pushes the ones in the back, too. This meant every time I went to make tinkle, I had to sit down, in case the exertion produced undesired secondary results.

After a few days of this, I started to get worried. What if something was wrong with me? What if there was a blockage of some kind? Maybe I'd ingested so many sugary beverages that the sugar had clotted into a big clump that was now barricading the exit from my bladder, like a washcloth covering the bathtub drain. What kind of exit does a bladder have? I didn't know much about the inner workings of my body's systems, but I was pretty sure that, like the Internet, it was made up of a series of tubes. Had one of them become kinked?

I had health insurance at the time -- thank goodness I wasn't one of the 50 million Americans who just don't care enough about their health to get insurance! -- so it was easy to go to a doctor. But I put it off, knowing that I tend to be a hypochondriac. Whenever I have to research a medical condition for some freelance writing job, I always come out of it thinking that I have the condition myself. This has at various times included stomach cancer, autism, and fibromyalgia. Yet I had not done any reading on the subject of pee-constipation, or "peestipation" as I was now calling it, so I ruled out hypochondria.

Finally I went to see a doctor. He was young, probably just out of medical school, and he worked out of one of those giant medical complexes with like 11,000 other doctors, where they all just got out of medical school and haven't gotten around to opening their own practices yet. I'd been to this place a good pile of times for various reasons and had never seen the same doctor twice. I told the new guy my situation, and he listened and frowned and said "Mm-hmm" a lot, the way doctors do when they want to hide the fact that they have no idea what's wrong with you. Then he told me to take off my pants, which is something else that doctors always do, even in social situations. "Hello, I'm Jonathan," a doctor might say to you when he meets you at a party. "Please take off your pants."

It seemed like a logical thing to do in this particular case, given the circumstances, so I unpantsed, and this doctor -- we'll call him Dr. Icy Fingers -- began poking around down in my neighborhood. I'm not sure what he was looking for, but all he found were the usual things one expects to find on the front side of a pantsless man. Having turned up no clues there, he said he was going to check out the situation vis-a-vis my prostate, and he told me in hushed and apologetic tones where that was located. I knew this already, but I didn't let on. Since I have very little natural shame and somehow lost my capacity for embarrassment years ago, I didn't care too much about this new course of action. I could tell it was very awkward for poor Dr. Icy Fingers, though, and he did not look me in the eye the rest of our time together.

His excursions into Prostate World also yielded no clues as to the cause of my troubles, so he came up with a new idea. He told me to go into the bathroom and pee as much as I possibly could, saving some in a cup for them to run tests on. He told me to tinkle until I had squozen every last drop out. And then they would go into my bladder manually and see how much was actually left over after I thought I was done. Somehow this would tell them something. I don't know what, exactly. I think maybe they were just trying stuff out.

So I went and did my business, gave them their sample, and returned to the examining room. Dr. Icy Fingers explained that he would not be doing the bladder-draining himself; I gathered that such a task was beneath him, and I think he was still a little uncomfortable around me since our stroll down Prostate Boulevard. Instead, he brought in two nurses, both female lady types, to do the job, and he left the room. The nurses were professional and prepared. Their chief implement? A catheter, which is something I had no prior experience with. They were going to use the catheter to extract whatever was still sloshing around in my bladder.

Now, I don't know who invented the catheter, but I'm pretty sure it was someone who was completely unfamiliar with male anatomy. A nun, perhaps, or Jodie Foster. The urethra is a very narrow tube, while the catheter is a very wide tube. I saw the catheter, and I saw what the nurses planned to do with it, and I thought, "What? Are you kidding me? You think that's going to fit? I'm flattered that you think I have such a roomy urethra, but seriously, ladies." It was going to be like shoving a hot dog into a drinking straw.

I understood now why this was a two-nurse job. One nurse had to hold me still while the other nurse jammed the catheter into a place that, while not the one normally associated with the expression, is indeed a place where the sun does not shine. If you're keeping score, this was two non-sunshiny locations that had been breached so far today. And it was only 10 a.m.!

The nurses were successful in wringing quite a bit of urine from my supposedly empty bladder, which made me feel a little embarrassed, like when you thought you've cleaned your room and then your mom moves the nightstand to reveal a cache of dust bunnies. (Prostate exam, I don't care. Finding urine in my bladder, I'm embarrassed.) This meant that not only did peeing require a lot of effort from me, but even when I did it, I wasn't doing it right. I was a man who couldn't even pee correctly, and that's just sad.

The doctor conferred with some of his colleagues, and everyone was baffled. The urine tested negative for every disease they could think to test it for, and yes that includes all STDs thank you very much. Eventually they concluded that I should get a CAT-scan. The next available free time on the CAT-scan machine was several days hence, and by that time -- after two weeks of bothering me -- the problem had gone away on its own. I still went in for the CAT-scan, though, because hey, free CAT-scan. But what had been the source of the trouble? Why did it come on so suddenly, and go away just as quickly? More importantly, why couldn't the doctor have turned up some legitimate cause for it, thus providing this story with a better ending?

Comments & Reaction:

Yes, I know catheters can be used on women, too, and that women's urethras are no bigger than men's. But if I'd acknowledged that in the column, I couldn't very well have made the Jodie Foster joke, now could I?

The crack about not caring enough about your health to get medical insurance is a response to someone who posted a comment on my review of the movie "Sicko" in which he said that he has health insurance because he cares about his health, and that he doesn't believe the 50 million Americans who don't have insurance care about theirs. Or at least they don't care as much as he does. Either way, it was a hilariously stupid thing to say, considering all the reasons other than "I don't care about my health" that a person might have for not having insurance.

I really do wish this story had a more entertaining ending. At least finding out what my ailment had been would have provided some closure. To this day I don't know what it was, though I eagerly look forward to the comments readers will post telling me what they think it was.

A friend of mine has said before that his mother, the bearer of several children, cannot jump on a trampoline without wetting herself. That always struck me as an odd bit of trivia. I mean, how often do you find yourself jumping on a trampoline anyway? When I called my friend to confirm this bit of lore, I talked to his wife, who is pregnant right now with their fifth child (and who is also my friend), and she said she's the same way. No trampolines for her, thank you! Then, in the course of the conversation, before I'd even told her what I was writing about, she said that recently she hadn't been able to pee without exerting a lot of force -- the exact same problem I'd had! Except that hers is probably pregnancy-related, whereas mine was not. But still! It's like we're soulmates or something.

Oh, and in case you missed it: the source of "a good pile of times."

This item has 39 comments

knightmare says:
July 23, 2007 at 1:46 am
This one was funny, even without closure :D I'm supposing, then, that sounding is completely out for you? *grin*
LamaniteDancer says:
July 23, 2007 at 2:15 am
My MTC companion experienced this exact same phenomenon while we were still in the MTC. He (we) went to see the Dr. about it, who performed most of the same tests you describe and who was equally baffled. Similarly, the problem went away on its own after a week or two.

The best part of the entire experience was that we had (got) to take field trips off of MTC grounds a good pile of times Grounds which, at the time, were starting to feel just a bit like a prison. . .
Joy says:
July 23, 2007 at 2:32 am
Female urethras are, in fact, wider than men's. The one time that I had one inserted, it hurt, but it was the good kind of pain. I'd sort of like to do it again sometime.
Reeder says:
July 23, 2007 at 2:47 am
Having never experienced the situation firsthand, I found that this column described what is perhaps the most painful (among other things) experience I've ever experienced vicariously through reading.

I think you know which part I'm talking about.
Tha Docta says:
July 23, 2007 at 5:54 am
The ending to the podcast version? Brilliant. And that is why I always listen instead of reading. That, and also because I'm lazy.
Tyler says:
July 23, 2007 at 6:48 am
That sucks, Eric. Still, it made for fun reading.

I had to have the same procedure done once when I was much, much younger. I remember it vividly. I'm not trying to one-up Eric here or nothin' but it's even more embarrassing to be held down by two nurses and, *gulp*, your mother. I'm just sayin'.

After the procedure I remember leaving the exam room scowling and feeling violated. A girl, who was slightly older than me, was called into the exam same exam room I had just walked out of.

"She's lucky," said a furious 10 year-old me. "She's a girl."

Trying to comfort me my mom tried explaining that, inside, the urinary tract wasn't really any different between boys and girls. I gave my mom an incredulous look. I remember thinking on this for a second and then made what I still feel was a sound argument.

"Mom, girls don't have a penis."
Melis says:
July 23, 2007 at 9:27 am
Tyler- that's really funny. I could just picture not only the look on your face, but the tone in which you might have said "Mom, girls don't have a penis.".

Eric- hum. wierd stuff. Also, as a mother of two with a trampoline in her back yard I can confirm, trampoline use for mama is off limits.
Mark says:
July 23, 2007 at 9:48 am
Two funny comments that have been made by patients during prostate exams:

1. "Hey Doc. Let me know if you find my dignity."

2. "Could you please write a note telling my wife you didn't find my head up there?"
GWGumby says:
July 23, 2007 at 9:50 am
Great, I guess now I need to add fear of physically not being able to pee as a new phobia. I've already dealt with being pee-shy most of my life but that's usually a public thing. Now I find out it can happen when I'm alone (all alone, all by myself)?

I'm also reminded of the opening of "The Green Mile" with Tom Hanks and his personal bathroom issues. A scene which still affects me like no other horror film scene I can think of.
mavid says:
July 23, 2007 at 10:41 am
May I suggest "constipeetion" instead of "peestipation"? I think it rolls off the tongue better.
richrich says:
July 23, 2007 at 10:46 am
squozen. oh my heck that hilariouser than ever. squozen. har har
Carrie says:
July 23, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Joy, do you mean the good kind of pain like when you have a sore muscle and pushing on it hurts so good, or do you mean that you're a freak?
Turkey says:
July 23, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Shouldn't it be "it's as easy AS standing there and lettin' 'er rip," instead of "it's as easy AND standing there and lettin' 'er rip"?

Having been the proud owner of several thousand urinary tract infections in my lifetime, and the primary complaint through all of them being a difficulty with producing urine without working for it (whether I felt like I had to go or not), I find it odd that he didn't come up with that explanation first. But hey, perhaps he did; I wasn't there. I promise.
Weezy says:
July 23, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I think this entire column was just so you could say "our stroll down Prostate Blvd". Which I am writing down, for the next time my husband strolls with his own doctor, most likely prepatory to joining the seedless grapes club sometime next year.
Skizat says:
July 23, 2007 at 12:58 pm
They did think of a UTI - the collection of urine being the key test there.
Turkey says:
July 23, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Actually, according to the account, the point was for him to pee as much as possible and then inspect and drain his manly regions for the cause (this after having inspecting the region previous to peeing); testing said urine for "every disease known to man" was seemingly an afterthought. Peeing in the cup should have been the first logical step. This is, and was, my very point. Doogie was looking for the absolute worst cause of this tragedy rather than the most common and excrutiatingly obvious.
Cameron says:
July 23, 2007 at 2:54 pm
@ #14 -- Weezy

"seedless grape club" is the most cruel, heartless, and somehow hilarious reference to getting snipped that I have ever heard.
woobles frombread says:
July 23, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Damn. If you had known the shenanigans that would ensue at the drs office, would you have resigned yourself to exploding? I think I would have...
Dave the Slave says:
July 23, 2007 at 4:00 pm
"Dr. Icy Fingers"- That hit me so hard and quick I interrupted my teacher's boring lecture with my snorts! I suck at quiet giggling...
Greg says:
July 23, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I recently had the joyous experience of having a catheter removed. Oh, holy crap did that feel weird. Luckily I was under anesthesia when they put it in. It felt so unnatural. Anyway, I'm glad I was on good narcotics at the time :D
David Manning says:
July 23, 2007 at 8:19 pm
As far as the "pee-shyness" and inability to pee in public restrooms (comment #9), that might be paruresis (aka "shy bladder syndrome"), which is what I have to put up with. I'm not gonna say anything else about it here, but:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shy_bladder_syndrome

Also, as far as what the above comments lead me to say, there is NO PAIN WORSE THAN getting a cut to the groin area, and then having to get that cut *disinfected*. (Shows what you get for running around the woods naked.)

... Dr. Icy Fingers could be the star character in a series of sketches on Saturday Night Live.
Rob D. says:
July 23, 2007 at 8:55 pm
You could have ended it by saying that the two hot nurses told you how easy it should be for you to pee.............then they got out a trampoline and jumped on it together in front of you. Even though it would have been made up, I think we all would have appreciated that ending.
KimjustKim says:
July 23, 2007 at 11:16 pm
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Jodie Foster, Dr. Icy Fingers, autism...sigh. It's too good.
Surgeon says:
July 24, 2007 at 12:41 am
Turkey: The symptoms don't fit well with a UTI ("bladder infection"), although I bet the doctor sent the collected urine to be tested for it. I would.

My money is on the prostate, despite the unremarkable prostate exam. Bladder spasms, urethral obstruction, and bladder obstruction are also possible.
Then again, I'm not a urologist.

A urethral catheter is more painful for a male secondary to the much longer urethra.
I have seen really "tuff guys" sit quietly while I examined their broken hip or inserted a large tube into their chest. These same men screamed when a catheter was placed in the urethra. I think its not just the physical pain, but the psycological component of where the pain is coming from.
Carina says:
July 24, 2007 at 2:38 am
I'm a little sad you didn't have any STDs...you know how I feel about them.
Greg MacLennan says:
July 24, 2007 at 2:26 pm
My heart goes out to your junk. I hope all is well.
Momma Snider says:
July 24, 2007 at 3:25 pm
I liked the "seedless grape club" thing, even though I didn't get it at first.

I knew a couple where the husband lost his ummm...seeds in a cancer operation, and the wife had a hysterectomy a couple of years later. We decided they should have their own country song named after them: "He Ain't Got No Polliwogs, and She Ain't Got No Pond." (It wouldn't have been so funny if they didn't already have all the kids they could stand.)
Neo says:
July 24, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Moral of story: Just wait another week.

50 million Americans do!
Christopher (not the brother) says:
July 24, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Squozen... nice :)
Craig says:
July 24, 2007 at 10:18 pm
I feel for you, as I just had a catheter a month ago. Having heard them described by several people, i was determined to tough it out. Seconds later, as I was screaming, I decided that they should never do that to a conscious person. Ever.
Neo says:
July 24, 2007 at 10:38 pm
I just read the article to my wife, and it struck me that Eric's hypochondria, while it has at "various times included stomach cancer, autism, and fibromyalgia," has not included SIDS. And it made me miss Ben more than ever (# 11).
renlass says:
July 25, 2007 at 6:46 pm
"He Ain't Got No Polliwogs, and She Ain't Got No Pond."

That had me cracking up! I love it. When do you record? I'd by THAT song.
robcan2 says:
July 26, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Doctor: Does your urine burn?

Patient: Gee, I dunno, doc. I've never tried to light it.
Lotus says:
July 26, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Hm, gosh, Eric. You know, when you mentioned "personal", wasn't this going just a little bit beyond the limit? The fact that you cannot pee(sort of), sorry, but none of us really care...
Adam says:
July 28, 2007 at 3:36 pm
I care, Buddy.

Jodie Foster joke was funny.

I had same thing while in MTC. Also went away on its own.
The UnMighty says:
July 30, 2007 at 2:56 am
#34, of course you care numb-nuts. That's why you logged onto a "comedy" centered blog, read the whole thing, and then took the time to write a comment probably after you read all the others.
LJ says:
September 4, 2007 at 9:05 am
Hah once when I was young I had a urinary tract infectoin and It really hurt to pee- It BURNED. So I refused to go to the bathroom for a day. My parents were concerned so my dad set off some fireworks outside to scare it out of me. It worked.
Brother Reed says:
October 15, 2007 at 12:55 pm
This article scared the piss out of me. No joke. Okay, well I made a joke, but it isn't funny because I'm terrified of the day when I may have to have something - ANYTHING - inserted into my urethra. *shudders*
WiseNLucky says:
November 7, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Like #30, my only catheterization took place when I was under anesthesia during surgery, so the removal was a strange relief.

I did, however, once have my bladder "scoped" when I was in my 20s which involved a similar procedure, only a foot-long steel pipe with a light and camera were shoved up there. As I saw the instruments of torture being lovingly removed from their cases, I almost lost control of all bodily functions. Amazingly, a little cocaine solution (apparently this is the anesthetic of choice in such a procedure) squirted in before the scope was inserted removed any sensation whatsoever and the procedure was completely painless. I would even say I recommend it!

Why they don't use anesthetic in a catheterization is beyond me.

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Eric D. Snider