Eric D. Snider

Wedding Your Appetite

Snide Remarks #663

"Wedding Your Appetite"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on April 24, 2012

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Big news from the world of entertainment! "Cool World" star Brad Pitt and his girlfriend, animated science-classroom skeleton Angelina Jolie, who have been together for seven years and are the parents of six children, announced that they are getting married! This is huge, as it is exceedingly rare for a man and woman who have been together for seven years and are the parents of six children to make such a bold commitment! The news media will definitely want to cover this important story with breathless excitement!

The announcement was made in the traditional fashion, with the bride-to-be appearing in public wearing an engagement ring the size of a Cambodian orphan's skull. Pitt and Jolie -- or, as they're known in the tabloid press, Brandgelinapitt -- once said that they would not get married until gay people were allowed to get married, but it turns out they were joking. "Ha ha!" said Brandgelinapitt through their spokesperson (Oprah). "We only said that because it had been two weeks since we'd been in People magazine, and we needed attention."

Once the engagement was announced, E! Online -- your top source for entertainment news, and also for news regarding the private lives of people who produce entertainment, and also for a lot of gibberish involving the made-up word "Kardashian" -- immediately sent its crack squad of journalists out into the Internet to type "how do famous people get married?" into Google. This resulted in an informative exposé covering, among other things, the betting odds that Jolie will wear a Versace dress rather than one from another designer. (Also being wagered: whether the wedding will take place in France, whether Pitt will be scruffy or clean-shaven, whether Jennifer Aniston will attend, whether we will pray to the Mayan gods to destroy us before any of this can occur.) Did you know that there are people who wager actual money on things like that? I did not! I mean, I knew there were people who had too much money and not enough sense to know what to do with it, but I had not realized it had reached this point.

Noted entertainment journalists the Associated Press also covered the Brandgelinapitt story, dutifully reporting that it would probably get a lot of media attention, which is sort of like someone warning you that you might get some vomit on you while he's in the act of vomiting on you. The Associated Press quoted an editor from The Hollywood Reporter as saying, "This is America's equivalent to Prince William and Kate Middleton," apparently meaning that Brad and Angelina's wedding will be an obscenely expensive and over-publicized event that will in no way affect the life of anyone paying attention to it, and that Elton John will be there.

One problem that Angelina won't have is fitting into her wedding dress (unless the problem is that the dress is the size of one of those plastic bags that the newspaper is delivered in and it still hangs too loosely on her ghoulish, emaciated frame). But losing weight in time for the wedding is something that matters to quite a few brides and zero grooms, so it's a good thing that medical science has come up with solutions. One of the latest advancements is the K-E Diet, which promises to help you lose 20 pounds in 10 days without being hungry. And ALL you have to do is put a tube through your nose down into your stomach and keep it there for 10 days and let it administer a slow drip of protein, fat, and water totaling 800 calories a day, and in the meantime not eat anything! Ta-da!

This might sound like a dangerously unhealthy way to lose 20 pounds. And it might sound excessive to be so concerned about weighing 20 pounds less on your wedding day than you do right now. And it might sound bizarre to walk around with a feeding tube jammed up your nose for a week and a half. But it only sounds unhealthy, excessive, and bizarre because it is all of those things. And don't worry -- it's also expensive! The doctor that ABC News interviewed charges $1,500, the bulk of which I assume goes toward his malpractice insurance premiums.

But then, I don't know how he's getting any customers anyway. I would think that any woman vain enough to spend $1,500 to look good in her wedding pictures is too vain to walk around for 10 days with a tube coming out of her face.

If you're a careful reader, you may have noticed that the K-E Diet is the same thing as merely limiting yourself to 800 calories a day and not eating any carbohydrates. It is wasteful to spend $1,500 for that. So I hereby offer my services as follows: I will lock you in a house for 10 days and bring you the appropriate amount of nourishment every morning. I will do this for only $1,000, for a savings of $500, which you can use to buy Brandgelinapitt a wedding present. They're registered at Target and the orphanage.

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A Year of Snide Remarks was funded by a Kickstarter campaign. This week's column was sponsored by You Look Nice Today Photography ("It's more than a photography studio; it's a compliment and it's true"). Sponsor had no editorial control over the column, and the author alone is responsible for its content.

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