Eric D. Snider

Wedding Your Appetite

Snide Remarks #663

"Wedding Your Appetite"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on April 24, 2012

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Big news from the world of entertainment! "Cool World" star Brad Pitt and his girlfriend, animated science-classroom skeleton Angelina Jolie, who have been together for seven years and are the parents of six children, announced that they are getting married! This is huge, as it is exceedingly rare for a man and woman who have been together for seven years and are the parents of six children to make such a bold commitment! The news media will definitely want to cover this important story with breathless excitement!

The announcement was made in the traditional fashion, with the bride-to-be appearing in public wearing an engagement ring the size of a Cambodian orphan's skull. Pitt and Jolie -- or, as they're known in the tabloid press, Brandgelinapitt -- once said that they would not get married until gay people were allowed to get married, but it turns out they were joking. "Ha ha!" said Brandgelinapitt through their spokesperson (Oprah). "We only said that because it had been two weeks since we'd been in People magazine, and we needed attention."

Once the engagement was announced, E! Online -- your top source for entertainment news, and also for news regarding the private lives of people who produce entertainment, and also for a lot of gibberish involving the made-up word "Kardashian" -- immediately sent its crack squad of journalists out into the Internet to type "how do famous people get married?" into Google. This resulted in an informative exposé covering, among other things, the betting odds that Jolie will wear a Versace dress rather than one from another designer. (Also being wagered: whether the wedding will take place in France, whether Pitt will be scruffy or clean-shaven, whether Jennifer Aniston will attend, whether we will pray to the Mayan gods to destroy us before any of this can occur.) Did you know that there are people who wager actual money on things like that? I did not! I mean, I knew there were people who had too much money and not enough sense to know what to do with it, but I had not realized it had reached this point.

Noted entertainment journalists the Associated Press also covered the Brandgelinapitt story, dutifully reporting that it would probably get a lot of media attention, which is sort of like someone warning you that you might get some vomit on you while he's in the act of vomiting on you. The Associated Press quoted an editor from The Hollywood Reporter as saying, "This is America's equivalent to Prince William and Kate Middleton," apparently meaning that Brad and Angelina's wedding will be an obscenely expensive and over-publicized event that will in no way affect the life of anyone paying attention to it, and that Elton John will be there.

One problem that Angelina won't have is fitting into her wedding dress (unless the problem is that the dress is the size of one of those plastic bags that the newspaper is delivered in and it still hangs too loosely on her ghoulish, emaciated frame). But losing weight in time for the wedding is something that matters to quite a few brides and zero grooms, so it's a good thing that medical science has come up with solutions. One of the latest advancements is the K-E Diet, which promises to help you lose 20 pounds in 10 days without being hungry. And ALL you have to do is put a tube through your nose down into your stomach and keep it there for 10 days and let it administer a slow drip of protein, fat, and water totaling 800 calories a day, and in the meantime not eat anything! Ta-da!

This might sound like a dangerously unhealthy way to lose 20 pounds. And it might sound excessive to be so concerned about weighing 20 pounds less on your wedding day than you do right now. And it might sound bizarre to walk around with a feeding tube jammed up your nose for a week and a half. But it only sounds unhealthy, excessive, and bizarre because it is all of those things. And don't worry -- it's also expensive! The doctor that ABC News interviewed charges $1,500, the bulk of which I assume goes toward his malpractice insurance premiums.

But then, I don't know how he's getting any customers anyway. I would think that any woman vain enough to spend $1,500 to look good in her wedding pictures is too vain to walk around for 10 days with a tube coming out of her face.

If you're a careful reader, you may have noticed that the K-E Diet is the same thing as merely limiting yourself to 800 calories a day and not eating any carbohydrates. It is wasteful to spend $1,500 for that. So I hereby offer my services as follows: I will lock you in a house for 10 days and bring you the appropriate amount of nourishment every morning. I will do this for only $1,000, for a savings of $500, which you can use to buy Brandgelinapitt a wedding present. They're registered at Target and the orphanage.

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A Year of Snide Remarks was funded by a Kickstarter campaign. This week's column was sponsored by You Look Nice Today Photography ("It's more than a photography studio; it's a compliment and it's true"). Sponsor had no editorial control over the column, and the author alone is responsible for its content.

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This item has 15 comments

  1. Momma Snider says:

    When it comes to diets, there's always another last resort.

  2. Jon says:

    Awesome. This one has more of a classic Snide Remarks feel for me. Complete with a great final sentence/punchline.

  3. Auntie Beth says:

    The sponsor of today's column, "You Look Nice Today Photography", should be the official wedding photgrapher. It would be a good gig...

  4. SDR says:

    Why bring them food every day? Setup a liquid diet drip through the wall that *automatically* provides the proper amount of nourishment (by which I mean an inadequate amount of nourishment) through a tube into a *glass*! Whenever they feel hungry (which will be all the time) they merely swap the glass for another glass, fill it to the top with water, and drink it! No further effort required on your part!

    Alternatively, if it becomes popular enough, you can import one of those Japanese capsule hotels and lock clients in a capsule for 10 days. That would be a very cost efficient way of dealing with lots of people.

  5. Eric says:

    "...and also for a lot of gibberish involving the made-up word "Kardashian"..." Love it! Thank for another great article.

  6. JS says:

    But you won't lose anywhere close to 20 pounds in 10 days. Assuming a 2500-calorie maintenance (and it's probably lower than that if you're starving yourself), this is a 1700-calorie daily deficit, which works out to about half a pound per day, or 5 pounds in ten days.

    The only way you're going to lose 20 pounds in 10 days is by amputation, or maybe deadly dehydration.

  7. Keith says:

    Does your diet plan/house include free internet access? How about a TV with premium channels? What kind of bed and pillows do you provide? I can't spend $1000 without the details.

  8. Ray says:

    I stopped drinking my coffee after 'Cambodian orphan's skull', so it wouldn't be coming out of my nose at the next killer phrase. Thank heaven for my foresight, or the Mayan gods would have done it.

    You made my morning, Eric D. Snider. Thank you, thank you.

  9. Ticia says:

    "They're registered at Target and the orphanage" made me gigglesnort.

  10. Samantha says:

    This is my favorite Snide Remarks yet. It reminds me of my tirade last year after getting fed up with other women looking at me like I'd killed a puppy when I didn't know (or care) what day the royal wedding was. Because apparantly, as a woman I was genetically supposed to know and care, and take the day off as a holiday to watch 14 hours of footage of flower arranging and to make sure I didn't swoon at my desk from all the love in the air. And breathe...

    So thank you for pointing out the ridiculousness of it all. Now, if people start bugging me about Brangalina, I can just link them here.

    My favorite line: "which is sort of like someone warning you that you might get some vomit on you while he's in the act of vomiting on you"

  11. The Cotton Floozy says:

    I wouldn't pay you, Eric, to deliver 800 calories of Winder Dairy to my house, but I *would* pay Momma Snider to be my friend.

    And I'm thinking that "pitt" should be the suffix of our generation.

  12. Momma Snider says:

    See, and I WOULD pay Eric $800 if he could really keep me from eating, and I'd be Cotton Floozy's friend for free!

  13. Huston says:

    You had me at "Cool World."

  14. The Cotton Floozy says:

    Woot! Thanks, Momma Snider! Any time you want to join as at our Stitch & Bitch, let me know!

  15. TashaKay says:

    I just love the teddy bear picture so much...

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