It was a traditional Thanksgiving at the Snider house, very similar to the celebration the Pilgrims had in 1621. Almost the whole family was present, we had turkey with all the trimmings, and afterward we dropped off a load of smallpox-infected blankets at the Indian casino. We carried muskets and wore buckled shoes, too, although that was coincidental.
As a family, we Sniders are very big on tradition. This is especially true if "tradition" is extended to mean "obsessive-compulsive disorder." Things that no one likes -- cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, my brother Lane -- are included at Thanksgiving just because THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. If our family's first Thanksgiving had been interrupted by a deadly grease fire, we would still be recreating it every year.
Sports are a significant part of many people's Thanksgivings. We don't watch a lot of football on TV at the ancestral Snider homestead in California, but we make up for it by participating in other athletic contests. Video games, for example.
No, for reals! Nintendo has just released a console called Wii, pronounced "We" or "Whee!," and some of its games involve actual physical activity. My brother Christopher, who is a grown man with a job, waited in line for 10 hours to buy it when it went on sale last Saturday night. He says he was in line with a lot of nerds, though surely he meant to say OTHER nerds, for when the pot waits in line for 10 hours to buy a video game system, it should not call the kettle black.
The Wii has taken the Snider household by storm. First of all, as fans of juvenile double-entendre, we like the name "Wii." It is used in such statements as, "Christopher, bring your Wii over here" and "I'm exhausted from playing with Christopher's Wii all day" and "Christopher's Wii sure has provided hours of entertainment." THIS WILL NEVER STOP BEING FUNNY.
But as I said, these games are the real deal. One of them is a bowling game. And you're probably saying, "A bowling video game? That must be boring and stupid! Shut up with your lies, Eric D. Snider! I hate you and I hate your ugly face!" I think that is a hurtful overreaction to the situation, but I do understand your skepticism. But you see, the Wii uses a wireless remote control device to play the games. To bowl, you actually have to hold the controller as if you were holding a bowling ball, and swing your arm. The game responds to the speed at which your arm and wrist move, as well as to the spin you put on it. It's like being at a bowling alley, only less seedy. (Our house is less seedy than a bowling alley, anyway. Your house may vary.)
What we've proved with the Wii is that I'm as bad at imaginary sports as I am at real ones. I bowled very poorly my first few times out, even worse than I bowl in real life. My niece Emily, who is 6, threw a 176 and beat most of us. My mom, who had neither bowled nor played a video game before, scored 210 on her second game. I hovered in the low 100s for a while before finally getting the hang of it and reaching the 160s.
Our activities are not limited to video games, though. My dad and Christopher also play a game called crotchball. They sit on the floor at opposite ends of the family room, about 18 feet apart, with their legs spread. Then they take turns throwing a foam rubber Nerf ball at one another as hard as they can. Players are not allowed to move to get out of the way. The goal is to hit the other person in the groin.
Where's the fun in that, you ask? I have no idea. But where's the fun in any sport, really? If you start questioning why grown men would hurl things at one another's crotches, you have to start questioning why they would throw bouncy balls through netted hoops, too.
A variation on crotchball is a game where instead of aiming for the crotch, they aim for the face. Again, the fun? Nowhere to be found, at least as far as I can tell. But at least it lets Christopher's Wii rest for a while.
YES!! I finally made it into a Snide Remarks!
oh, but I'm the only person mentioned unfavorably. up yours, eric; up yours indeed.
This column really made me laugh. Your family should totally hang out with my family. Our Thanksgiving tradition is to play a rousing game of Balderdash after dinner. Inevitably, my Uncle Stu will get sick of it and start writing juvenile and disgusting definitions. And the fact that he doesn't let it go becomes gut-bustingly, tear-sheddingly funny. This year he stuck to a theme -- for every word it was, "The art of sculpting poop into miniature tea sets," "The art of sculpting poop into miniature horses," "The irrational fear of sculpting poop," etc.
Also, the Wii? Hilarious.
Hilarious column as usual. However, it makes me wonder: Was crotchball stolen from the tv show "Jackass" by the Sniders, or was it the other way around. For the answer, we would need a precisely detailed timeline of the history of crotchball in the Snider holiday festivities. Eric?
This column made me LOL! It was hilarious! Family traditions are just the best and the funniest things on earth! Go, Sniders!
I want a Wii now... I mean... a Nintendo one, of course.
Ha, deadly grease fire. Good times.
Someone getting hit in the nuts = funny. No one can ever argue with that. It has been and will always make every person on the planet laugh (except maybe the person getting hit...).
(except maybe the person getting hit...).
And the poor old mother, sitting on the couch right next to one of the players (the one with the Wii, as it happens) with her paints or her stitchery. Sometimes I doodle "Stupid stupid stupid" in all different kinds of letters.
"And you're probably saying, "A bowling video game? That must be boring and stupid! Shut up with your lies, Eric D. Snider! I hate you and I hate your ugly face!" I think that is a hurtful overreaction to the situation, but I do understand your skepticism."
That's funny. You basically had a conversation with yourself. I do that too sometimes ...
:)
Crotchball was definitely not stolen from "Jackass," as it's been in the Snider family since at least 1993 or so. I can't remember the first time we played, but I was no older than 16.
What Eric describes isn't actually the original Crotchball. I don't know if Dad and Chris have actually taken to calling this bastardized version by the same name in my absence, but the original game had the two players lying on the floor, with the tops of their heads touching and their bodies making a straight line. The players then take turns throwing the ball in the air, trying to hit the other person's crotch. It takes much more skill than this new version, because you can't see what you are aiming at. It also led to such nicknames as "Crotchy McAskForMore" and "Flinchy McWatchMyNuts."
We also play a game called "The Water Game," where one person lies on the floor, and the other person stands above him and pours a jug of water into the floor person's mouth. The floor person has to guzzle the water without closing his mouth, so that the standing person can keep pouring. Then everyone starts laughing, including the pourer, and the water ends up floor person's nose.
I can't wait until Christmas.
Very funny column. The version of crotchball I'm familiar with is called "who's the man?" and is played by lobbing a small bean bag rather than throwing it full-force. The effect of watching the bag follow a parabolic path until impact is rather spellbinding.
Oh my dear monkeys. So funny.
I've known Eric for a decade now, including two summers as roommates, and this is the first I've heard of this "Lane" fellow. I'm tempted to think he just made him up for the column, including the follow-up post, and that the name he came up with was a subconscious reflection of the wii-bowling. Or bowlwiing.
May I also add that I'm glad only one ball is used in "Crotchball"?
Geez, our family just plays a lot of chess and Euchre. Fairy chess is best, though. But I'm bad at it. Won every Euchre game I played in, though.
We didn't watch sports at all.
But we did go to Canada.
Which is similar.
I believe this "Crotchball" game is perpetuated in the mission field. I was introduced to it in Spain as "Balls". This gem involved the above rules of throwing a beanbag, or any blunt orb that would hurt (but not de-nad the person) toward the ceiling only to see the horror on the victims face as it arced across the room towards their special place. I have never felt as much satisfaction in my life, as when I score a direct hit.
Randy, you've never heard of Lane? Now THAT'S sad.
The guys have two versions of the face ball game, too. One is called "Stank" and they throw that ball as hard as they can. The other version uses a harder ball, more along the lines of a tennis ball, and they go for accuracy rather than pain. But you should hear the sound when either ball connects directly with the eye socket.
And I'm kind of glad they don't play the water game any more, what with wet carpet and stuff. But Jeff and Chris were both really good at it.
that was very entertaining. I was home for thanksgiving this year for the first time in about 6 years and it was very entertaining. I am very impressed with us as we watched football and played Apples to Apples at the exact same time. Let me tell you, I have one talented family!
This is the best one in a long time. I really enjoyed reading it.
Yes! I can't tell you how long I've been trying to get my Wii on the internet!
See? It never stops!
I am very dissapointed after reading this article....I was hoping that my husband would outgrow crotchball....your dad's love of the sport gives me little hope. :) My husband got hit with a perfectly thrown, frozen piece of
Laffy Taffy this Halloween...priceless! Thanks for entertaining us Eric!
How come I still haven't made it by name into a column? Well, there was the one time when you said how cute I used to be. You should mention that I'm STILL so cute.
This was great. And reading all the comments so far has made it even better.
Is crotchball an appropriate Christmas sport? If so, my family may have a new tradition in the works.
Hoo boy. Funny, funny column.
But on the contrary, I love cranberry sauce, I love sweet potatoes, and I wish I had Lane for a son-in-law, so I'm not just agreeing with you to suck up.
Our Thanksgiving was full of grandchildren and Vicodin (for me, anyhow), but that IS pretty impressive that Chris would stand in line 10 hours for a new Wii.
Anyway, yeah, great column, and Joy is STILL so cute, even if she has to point it out her own self. (But at least they all like you, Joy.)
By the way, I do eat the sweet potatoes, and I really did buy a can of cranberry sauce, knowing it was going directly from can to crystal serving dish to garbage disposal. Tradition is tradition. The vicodin sounds like a fun new tradition, too, so maybe we'll add that next year. (You can ADD traditions, just not delete them.)
You guys should really try making REAL cranberry sauce, rather than the gunk that comes from a can. It is a shockingly different (and delicious) experience than the "jellied cranberry sauce that retains the shape of the can."
People keep telling me that, but I have tried what was supposed to be excellent homemade cranberry sauce, and I just don't think it belongs anywhere near turkey. Or my mouth.
"What Eric describes isn't actually the original Crotchball. I don't know if Dad and Chris have actually taken to calling this bastardized version by the same name in my absence, . . ."
Baseball is a bastardized version of Rounders, but you don't hear anyone taking shots and calling for the original.
Yeah, but you don't see anyone referring to baseball as "Rounders," either.
This is great but I think you need to get Momma Snider in on the writing of a column sometime, She is so funny!
Now that I think of it, one or the other version is actually called Crotchbusters, isn't it? Dad and Chris usually just hold up the ball and look questioningly at each other, and then one of them will say, "Crotches or Stank?"
I played Crotchball on my mission too....great p-day fun. That was back in 94-96. Waaayyy too many greenies buckled over to my spiritual gift of tactical accuracy.!!!
I met Lane at a zone meeting in 1999 or thereabouts. Seeing the unusual spelling of his last name, I asked if he was related to Eric D. "He's my stupid brother," he replied.
Fun fact: I loaned Lane my copy of "Snide Remarks" because his family never sent him one.
It's a small world after all. One of Lane's companions at about that time received a church newsletter from his home ward, and they had printed one of Eric's columns on the back!
Thanks for loaning Lane the book, stanmuffin. It's good that others will take up the slack where the family fails.
I was considering changing back to my maiden name after the divorce, however, after reading about Flincy McWatchMyNuts I have yet another option to consider.
Ha ha! I just noticed that Corie said I'm funny! My kids just think I'm weird.
My friends and I called the game, "Knock it off." I think that we might have found a sport more universal than soccer.
That article is classic. Funny as. I'll have to start a crotchball tradition next time I visit my family.
I love cranberry sauce. I thought everyone did. What is WRONG with you people?
One thing you have to realize about Sniders is that just because we don't like something doesn't mean any of us have actually tried it. I know I have never tried cranberry sauce, and I can't think of too many of my siblings who might have. I guess maybe Lane or Eric was forced to try it on their missions, but other than that, I can't imagine any of them trying it.
And yes, the game was originally called Crotchbusters, but crotchball is kind of the generic term for it. So I guess maybe it's okay if they are calling this other version "crotchball," but if they ever call it Crotchbusters, I'll be ticked.
I once played crotchball with my friends, only it consisted of me laying on my back in church pants while they measured how many playground balls they could rocket at my pee-pee. (78 is the answer.) Come to think of it, they probably aren't my friends.
I just played with my friend's Wii.
Hah! Those jokes don't get old. And the Wii is fun to play.
My friend showed me his Wii this past weekend. I was very impressed.
My sister-in-law was impressed as well, saying she wanted one just as good. This made my brother uncomfortable.
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Comments & Reaction:
Ah, memories of home. The laughter, the merriment, the Wii.
The best part about crotchball is the noises my dad makes, not in response to being hit, but in anticipation that he's about to be hit. This is a man in his 50s who has held several important church callings.