Beating Around the Bush

(AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following is an excerpt from my new book, “A Stupid Little Kid’s Guide to Politics,” on sale now wherever fine books are also sold.)

Well, boys and girls. We elected a new president a few weeks ago. His name is Bill Clinton, and he is the governor of the state of Arkansas. How in the world is he going to manage being governor of a state AND being president of the country, all at once? Simple. He will ask one of his chief governor assistants, named Bubba, to take over as governor for awhile.

Have you ever been to Arkansas? It is very nice there. I have relatives in Arkansas, and they are just pleased as punch that their governor gets to be president now. They are all at his house right now, helping him pack. Bill Clinton isn’t there with them; they want it to be a surprise. Won’t Bill Clinton be surprised when he gets home and finds that all his belongings are gone? Ha ha!

Anyway, the adults of this country have elected Bill Clinton to be their next president. Why didn’t you get to vote? Why, because you are just a bunch of dumb little kids with your fingers up your noses half the time! Besides, you DID get to vote, in the Weekly Reader poll, and all you kids — you silly gooses — you elected George Bush. So of course we couldn’t leave the real thing up to you, too. You might have elected George Bush for real.

Why didn’t the adults want George Bush to be president anymore? Well, boys and girls, that is a difficult question. The main reason is that right now, the “economy” (that’s a big word for “money system”) is in a “recession” (that’s a big word for “depression”). That means that many people don’t have jobs anymore, but they did before George Bush became president. Does that mean that it is George Bush’s fault that many people don’t have jobs anymore? Did George Bush come in to the people’s offices one day and say, “OK, all you people, you are fired”? Of course not. Don’t be stupid. To say that George Bush caused people not to have jobs anymore is like saying that since there are always lots of flies around garbage cans, garbage cans must cause flies.

So why don’t people have jobs anymore? Why is the “economy” so bad? If you ask Bill Clinton, he will say, “I have been the governor of Arkansas for twelve years.” That is his answer for every question. If you ask him what time it is, he will say, “I have been the governor of Arkansas for twelve years.” If you ask him how long he has been the governor of Arkansas, he will become frustrated and confused and perhaps his main circuit will short out. No one has tried that one yet.

But whatever the reason is for people not having jobs, Bill Clinton has promised to fix it. Is it possible for the president to fix a problem like that? Oh, Lordy, no. The president has very little control over that sort of thing. So why did Bill Clinton say he could do it when really he can’t? Because he wanted the adults to vote for him. Aren’t those adults silly, falling for a trick like that? YOU never would have fallen for it, would you?

Of course not. You voted for George Bush.

(Eric D. Snider is a freshman at BYU and is originally from Lake Elsinore, California. Many of his relatives are from Arkansas, though.)

I really got a kick out of this column, and I still do. I don't know why. I really like the "don't be stupid" part, 'cause I'm talking to kids, and it's funny to call kids stupid.

You may recall that in the 1992 election, Weekly Reader really did conduct a poll, and the kids of this country really did vote for George Bush. Notice my amazing political commentary on that fact.