No Comment Necessary

As a Trained Humor Professional, my job is to locate the unusual and absurd things in life and point them out to you, the humor-consuming public, apparently under the assumption that you are all stupid and incapable of locating unusual and absurd things yourselves.

In actuality, of course, this is probably not the case. Most of you probably are not stupid, and you are probably quite capable of locating unusual and absurd things. So what am I good for? Well, I locate the unusual and absurd things, but I also comment on them, making sarcastic and witty remarks. That is why I am a Trained Humor Professional and you are just a humor-consuming public.

But sometimes, I come across something that is unusual and/or absurd that absolutely defies comment. Sometimes this is because the only possible comments would be offensive or gross; sometimes it is because I am too lazy to think of any comments. In any case, here are a few of the things I have uncovered recently about which I can only say: No comment necessary.

According to Entertainment Weekly, a video designed to help children become toilet-trained was released last year. The video was called “Potty Time,” and it included several jovial toilet-related songs, including one called “You’re a Super Duper Pooper.”

No comment necessary.

The Lake Elsinore (California) News, a paper which, I’m sorry to say, employed me as a columnist for two and a half years, ran a story in its final issue last November with the headline “Child molesters to be filmed for law enforcement training.” Apparently, a local child-support organization was making a training film for peace officers and social workers, and they were asking for actual, legitimate child molesters to VOLUNTEER to appear in the video and be interviewed. Furthermore, since the video was not to be distributed to the mass media, “offenders’ faces will not be masked.”

“It is important that…the professionals who will view the tape…ascertain the facial expressions and eye and body language of molesters.” That is an actual quote from the story.

The story ended with an actual phone number that molesters could call if they wanted to appear in this video.

No comment necessary.

I saw a commercial on television very late one night, advertising a necklace that bore the engraven image of some mythological creature that Native Americans used to carve on everything. The creature was a bird that would come around with a flute and make the land fertile and what-not.

As they were describing and showing the necklace on television, the following caption came on: “AVAILABLE WITH OR WITHOUT PHALLIC SYMBOL.”

No comment necessary.

In the December 18 edition of the Daily Universe (motto: “We Think Five Times a Week Means Daily”), BYU president Rex E. Lee is quoted as saying: “The items on my Christmas list for this year are very modest: the demise of the Somalian warlords, no deaths of students over the holidays, and a victory over Kansas [in the Aloha Bowl].”

Apparently, these three things are of equal importance to President Lee. Too bad none of them came true — Christmas must have been just awful for President Lee, especially with that fourth quarter loss in the Aloha Bowl.

Oh, I’m sorry. I said no comment necessary, didn’t I?

Just so you know, I’ve started a comedy troupe at BYU, called the Garrens. We started performing last week, to packed audiences. Of course, it was free admission. We will be performing tonight, next Saturday, and every Friday thereafter in room 2084 of the Jesse Knight Humanities Building (JKHB). Admission will be $1, so start looking under your couch cushions. We do sketches and improvisations and make fun of important people. You’ll love it.

(Eric D. Snider is a freshman at BYU from Lake Elsinore, California, and he has no problem with using his column to shamelessly plug his activities.)

Ah, wacky news items. What comedian or humorist hasn't used this at one point or another?

I doubt seriously whether anyone came to see the Garrens just because of the plug I gave here. Who needs 'em anyway, that's what I say.

And did you notice near the end where I referred to a "fourth quarter loss" in a football game? Is it possible to lose a football game at any time OTHER than at the end of the fourth quarter? You can't lose a game before it's over. What a moron I was. Didn't I have an editor?