Advice for the Lovelorn

There are a couple of things that I’ve been wondering about lately. First, what should one do in case of an earthquake? Second, why is Valentine’s Day in the winter instead of the spring? I’ll cover both topics today.

I think Valentine’s Day should be in the spring because spring is, after all, the time of year when “a young man’s fancy turns to love,” while winter is when “a young man’s legs turn to ice because, in the interest of preserving his tan, he refuses to wear long pants.”

So Valentine’s Day should definitely be in April or May sometime. I would suggest April, since there aren’t any holidays there already, except for that Religious Holiday Whose Name You Can’t Mention in Public Schools Because It Implies Religious Preference, So We Just Call It “Spring Break.” I think everyone should write a letter to their friendly neighborhood congressperson and tell them that if Valentine’s Day doesn’t get moved immediately, they will begin finding dead animals in their mailboxes.

Now, some advice for all you misguided teenage boys who need some help on Valentine’s Day. This is, after all, the best time to try to acquire a girlfriend, because it is when girls are feeling the most romantic, agreeable, and, most importantly, desperate. The nearest male emotion to this Valentine’s Day sentimentalism is when a male can emit a belch of such a velocity that his car windows fog up.

It is a strange thing, though. Girls have some kind of gland — I believe it is the same gland that enables them to dance — that gives them the foolish notion that just because it’s Valentine’s Day, they should have someone (preferably a guy, though some women, such as Madonna, are less discriminating) to be lovey-dovey with. Fellas, this is the perfect time for you to move in. Now that I have ended two consecutive sentences with prepositions, I shall move on. Make that three sentences.

“But how do I go about asking a girl out?” I hear you cry, making it four sentences. Well, I happen to be an expert on the subject, having asked a girl to “go with me” when I was in the fifth grade. Actually, I guess I had someone ask for me, but that turned out to be good, because she said “no,” and if I had been right there, I probably would have killed her.

The point (I think) is, you should just ask her. Just walk up to her, put your arm around her, and say, “Hey, baby –” (girls love being called “baby”) “–you’re a babe, I’m a stud, we’re both alone…need I say more?” She will undoubtedly be so overwhelmed that she will lunge into your arms, shrieking, “Oh, yes!” Or maybe she will laugh viciously in your face. I can’t be sure.

Anyway, if she says “yes,” that is a legally binding contract that allows you to walk around with your hands and various other parts of your anatomy firmly clenched to various parts of hers, and also to proclaim in a loud, yet respectful voice to your semi-nude friends in the locker room that you do, in fact, have a girlfriend, and they don’t, so NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.

Oh, yeah. Beginning tomorrow and going through Saturday, the Elsinore High School drama department will be performing scenes from “Romeo and Juliet,” “Macbeth,” and “Taming of the Shrew,” along with a fifteen-minute version of “Hamlet” (which has to be seen to be believed). The shows will begin at 7:30 p.m., and tickets are $5 at the door. The dialogue in all four plays will remain the way Shakespeare wrote it, but the sets and costumes have been altered, so if you are an English teacher, I would strongly advise getting drunk before watching it.

The reason I mention all this is that I, Eric D. Snider, will be playing the part of Benvolio in “Romeo and Juliet,” and the part of Hamlet in “Fifteen-Minute Hamlet.” We’ve all been working hard, and the cast is simply wonderful, so please come out to Elsinore High and watch us make fools of ourselves. And after it’s over, feel free to come backstage and meet the performers. We’ll be happy to sign autographs, take pictures, accept cash donations, and sell copies of “The Unedited Eric, Volume I” (which is NOW available) for only $8. See you there!

Next week: Earthquake safety. Probably. But don’t count on it.

This was based on a column I wrote for the school paper the previous year, and it's not all that good, as you've no doubt already noticed. The column was basically written for two purposes: One, I felt like I had to write a Valentine's Day column; and two, I wanted to promote the play I was in. Both of those objectives come through pretty clearly, I think, if nothing else.