Anecdote for the Poison

Back in 1990, I received my B.H. — Bachelor of Humor — at the University of Humor. Along with this degree came the license to practice humor and, most importantly, get paid for it. Many untrained people practice humor as a hobby, of course, but they are not legally permitted to get paid for it unless they have received the proper training, as I have.

But now I’ve gone back to school and am now working on my A.A.D. — Doctorate in Amusing Anecdotes. I’m specializing. That’s where all the big money is.

As a class assignment, I am required to write at least one column consisting entirely of amusing anecdotes. The professor will grade the column, and hopefully I’ll have my doctorate before the year is out.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of delusion. There is no such place as the University of Humor, and if there were, HE certainly wouldn’t be allowed there. Pay no attention to him.)

Ha ha! There was a fine example of humor right there! I wrote that, pretending to be my editor, so that you would think I was nuts. Isn’t that funny?! Ha ha ha!

Anyway, here’s that amusing anecdote column.

  • Upon hearing that Elizabeth Taylor had been hospitalized for “dehydration and exhaustion,” my mother said, in disgust, “When I’m dehydrated and exhausted, I get a drink of water and take a nap.”

  • The death of Dr. Seuss, besides putting his picture in the newspapers and making us realize that he looked like the cat in the hat, also provided us with this semi-amusing anecdote: I informed my drama teacher, Mr. Craig Duke, of the sad news, and he said, quote, “Sad I am.” (Mr. Duke, by the way, just earned his B.H. at the University, despite comments like that.)

  • My grandfather owns an appliance repair shop, and he recently had to call one of his servicemen to ask him about an icemaker that he had taken out of a freezer belonging to a woman named Agnes Johnson. This is how my grandfather started the conversation: “Hey, Ray, remember that icemaker you took out of Agnes Johnson?”

  • For reasons that I cannot fully explain, my friend Aaron — you remember Aaron — recently recorded a tape for me that consisted solely of the song “Limelight” by Rush, recorded eighteen times. Then, a few days later, the tape got lodged in my car stereo, and for a while, I thought I was doomed to listen to “Limelight” forever. Fortunately, I was able to push the tape up so that I could listen to the radio, but the tape is still stuck in there, and every time I go over a bump, the tape falls down into place and I hear “Limelight,” like some kind of haunting curse.

  • My little sister is on the Elsinore Elementary School drill team, and the list of rules gives the few reasons that a drill team member may be allowed to miss a practice. One of the acceptable excuses is “death: a family member’s or YOUR OWN.” It’s good to know that even if my sister dies, she won’t be kicked off the drill team.

    I was pretty serious about this whole "University of Humor" thing for a while there. My friends and I even printed up fake diplomas that we hung on our walls and showed off to people. No one was fooled, to my knowledge.

    And I don't think I spent enough time on the "Limelight" thing. Picture this: A tape with only one song on it, repeated over and over again. And that tape gets stuck in your tape deck. And every time you hit a bump, or slam the glove box, or shut the car door, the tape falls into place and "Limelight" starts playing. Believe me, it got less and less funny as time went on. I never did get the tape out.