BYU: Bad Stuff Happen Here

Although things here at BYU are going very smoothly, I think it would be best if I came back home to Lake Elsinore. I never thought I would even think those words, let alone type them up and publish them, but that’s what I think. Here’s why:

  • After I arrived here, Sports Illustrated called BYU “the most-hated football team in America.” While I beg to differ — I personally hate Elsinore High School’s football team much more than BYU’s — this doesn’t change the fact that Sports Illustrated didn’t bestow this honor upon BYU until after I got here. Also, we’ve lost three of our first four games, one of them to San Diego State University, which is such a party school that “Hangover Prevention” is now being taught as a Humanities elective.

  • Also after I arrived here, Provo was moved from #1 to #8 in Money Magazine’s list of “America’s Most Liveable Cities.” Again, note the connection — Provo was on top until I got here.

  • There are some really weird people here.

    This is evidenced by an item in the “Police Beat” section of the Daily Universe, which is the official school newspaper here at BYU, and comes out five times a week, which I guess is almost daily, but not quite.

    Anyway, the item, which is from September 9, was written by staff writer Jeanna Jenson. The item reads as follows:

    “A male BYU student, dressed as a woman, was caught in a ladies’ restroom in the Knight Mangum Building on Sept. 3. Three women spotted him and notified the University Police.

    “The women noticed him because of his odd attire. He was dressed in a short Levi skirt, a white button-up blouse, flat-heeled shoes, and black nylons.

    “The responding officer said it was obvious he [the suspect, I assume] was a male because of his mustache hidden beneath his scarf.

    “‘I get a charge out of walking around in public dressed like a girl,’ the suspect said.”

    This item raises a number of interesting questions. For instance:

  • Why, if this happened on September 3, wasn’t it in the paper until September 9? The story didn’t say anything about there being any kind of six-day stand-off as the cross-dresser took hostages in the ladies’ room, or anything like that. The Daily Universe manages to get lots of pictures of our loser football team in on time, but I guess that’s more important than LUNATICS ROAMING THE STREETS HARASSING WOMEN!!!!

  • Why, if I really want people to read this column, don’t I just make it more interesting, rather than resorting to capitalized, attention-grabbing words such as the ones I used in the last paragraph?

  • Who is “Knight Mangum,” and why does he have a building named after him? It sounds like the name of a hard-nosed detective in a prime-time crime drama.

    Anyway, that’s why I think I should come home. If anyone happens to be in the neighborhood, please just stop by and pick me up. I’ll pay for gas, of course.

    Oh, and boys: If you’re going to be a cross-dresser, at least have the fashion sense not to wear flat-heeled shoes with black nylons. It makes you look cheap.

    I wound up working for The Daily Universe, and I loved every moment of it. In fact, I became a vehement defender of the paper and wouldn't tolerate snot-nosed cynical punks like me making fun of it. (I also continued to be the paper's harshest critic, though, when it deserved it.)