Drinky the Drunk Guy

Some adults tend to believe that teenagers think they cannot have fun without getting drunk, but this is not even remotely true. We can have just as much fun getting stoned.

Ha ha ha! Kids, please do not try that joke in front of your parents! I am a Trained Humor Professional!

Actually, though I hate to admit it, many of my fellow teenagers do seem to enjoy getting drunk, although I can’t imagine why, since drunk people tend to act even stupider than they normally are (and people who like to get drunk must be pretty stupid normally, or else they’d find some better, less liver-rotting way of having fun, such as dodging traffic).

As an example, let me relate to you a little anecdote. When the school newspaper, “The Tiger Times” (motto: “Death before Verification”) went on a week-long trip to Washington, D.C. and New York City last April, our editor (who has asked that I not mention his name, which is Gabe) decided that he should take full advantage of the trip and, while we were in New York — the city with the most culture and entertainment and fascinating things to do and see in the nation — he got so drunk both nights that we almost had to donate his body to science. He couldn’t do that back in Canyon Lake, you realize, because parties are only held WEEKLY there, as opposed to nightly.

Another example: Several of my friends recently embarked on an overnight trip to Tijuana (motto: “Death before Sanitation”). Their original intent was to attend the Ojai Lai games, which are supposedly very fun, although they are probably not spelled the way I just spelled them. They are apparently some kind of Mexican racquetball, and people go there and bet on which guy they think will win. My friends, though, got sidetracked and wound up going to a bar and getting lit. They were, as someone I know once said, “three sheets to the wind.” I don’t know what that means, but I think it somehow applies here.

Anyway, between the six of them, three of them were really drunk, and a fourth one was just drunk enough to be louder than he normally was, but no funnier. After a while, one of the really drunk ones began to throw up on the table and on himself and on his friends, and I think that’s when one learns who one’s friends really are: when one begins throwing up on them. In this guy’s case, his friends elected to leave him alone with his mucous and go watch him from the bar and laugh at him.

We clearly have a problem here. Something must be dreadfully wrong if what seems to be a large number of teenagers thinks that getting drunk and possibly endangering their lives is fun. And I don’t mean something is wrong with their morals. What I mean is that something must be wrong with their taste buds, because I had a sip of beer once, and quite frankly, it tasted like dragon vomit. It was the worst garbage I had ever had the misfortune of tasting, and I just wonder how these kids who like to get wasted can possibly stand it. Is the ecstasy of being drunk really so wonderful that it makes you forget about the sewage you had to drink to achieve that state?

I think the problem is that these kids are unimaginative. I mean, if you want to taste something vile, there are certainly more creative ways of doing it. Why not go down to the pet store and ask the owner if he’ll let you eat the droppings from the rat cages? Or go to your own refrigerator and scrape off the scum from the bottom of the cheese compartment? At least you might get some nutritional value from those options.

Anyway, that’s my opinion. Now if only I had something to do this weekend….

It's jai alai, not however I spelled it. I was surprised my editor didn't find the right spelling and change it for me. One thing my editor did do was remove the very gross suggestions at the very end of the column (the ones about rat droppings and cheese scum). Bless him for that.

My dad was upset that I mentioned publicly having tasted a sip of beer at some point in my life. I can see his point, but at least I made it clear I didn't like it and didn't think people should drink it.

This title, "Drinky the Drunk Guy," is not the one I originally gave it. In fact, it's from an episode of "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist," a very funny show on Comedy Central. The phrase was so funny I just had to steal it. You know how it is.