I was recently looking in my kitchen cupboard for something to eat when I came across a box of graham crackers that said “2 POUND FAMILY SIZE” on it. I wondered why my mother even bought it, since our family weighs considerably more than two pounds. (rim shot)
But seriously, folks. I didn’t come here to tell amusing anecdotes, thus making other people’s lives happier and more pleasant. No, I came here to promote myself and hopefully pick up a few extra bucks. You see, my friend Aaron (you remember Aaron) and I recently took it into our heads to market a calendar — you know, one of those day-to-day calendars that usually come with Far Side cartoons on every day? We’re doing one, only instead of cartoons, each day has a deep and/or meaningful quote. These are actual quotes from actual people, mind you, and that’s what makes many of them seem funny. Like the man who said, as he was being strapped into the electric chair, “This will certainly teach me a lesson.”
Or Pamela Bass, who lived down the hall from alleged mutilation murderer Jeffrey Dahmer: “I would hear a buzz saw running in the early evening. I thought he was building something.”
Some of them are from easily obtainable sources (such as Psalms 137:9 — “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones”); others are a bit more obscure. You’ll just have to take our word for it that they were all actually said by the people we have credited them to. We’ve been combing Newsweek magazine, as well as just listening closely to everything we hear.
The calendar is called “Eric and Aaron’s Daily Bit o’ Wisdom,” and, as I said, we just came up with the idea recently. Just how recently will become apparent when you buy it, for $4. It can be purchased at Bits, Bytes, and Books (located next to Thrifty in Lake Elsinore), or at John’s Service Center (located at 161 N. Main Street), or from Aaron and me directly, if you happen to know where to find one of us. All proceeds will go to the “Pay for Eric’s College Tuition/Aaron’s Automobile” Fund. It should be available no later than Saturday — just in time for Christmas.
Oh, one more thing. Due to circumstances beyond our control, pertaining mainly to our laziness and procrastination, only the first three months are ready at the moment. But not to worry. What you do is, you buy those three months from the aforementioned Bit o’ Wisdom affiliates, and after the March 31 page there’s a form where you fill in your name and address. You just send that to us, and we’ll send you the next three months in about three weeks, at no additional charge, and another three months about three weeks after that, and so on, kind of like getting Time/Life books, only we promise — and this is our creed — that we will never, ever, under any circumstances, produce a television commercial that is more than three minutes long, unless we really think it will boost sales.
So rush right out and buy the calendar in a couple days, when it gets to the stores. We promise you’ll enjoy it throughout 1992, and if you are not fully satisfied, you have our personal guarantee that we do not give a flying goat’s head.
* * *
Oh, yeah. One of the benefits of having a birthday on a Wednesday is that it means you get it mentioned in this column. So happy birthday to Jennifer Jackson, who is 16 today. Her parents already bought her a brand new car, which makes me sick, considering I got a 13-year-old Ford Granada when I turned 16. I hope she doesn’t expect a gift from ME.
When this was published, my editor removed the part where I said where the calendar was on sale. He said he did this because the purpose of my column was not to sell my own stuff. I pointed out that for this PARTICULAR column, that was the ENTIRE purpose. He did not have an adequate response to this.
Just as well, I guess. We never even got the first three months of the calendar finished. We were teen-agers in those days; what do you expect? It was a great idea, though.