Home Old Stuff The Lake Elsinore News Resolutions, an Anecdote, and a Duck’s Skull is Quacked up

Resolutions, an Anecdote, and a Duck’s Skull is Quacked up

By
Eric D. Snider
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0

It is at this time of the year (that is, the beginning), that we columnists traditionally write a column in which we list our New Year’s Resolutions. (I say “we,” as if there is some kind of Columnists’ Federation, when in actuality, any moron can be a columnist, Andy Rooney being a prime example.)

Not wanting to deviate from the norm (Norm would be very upset if I deviated from him), here are my resolutions:

I, Eric D. Snider, being a minor and therefore not being legally bound by anything I am about to say, do hereby resolve the following:

  • I resolve to quit using the fact that I’m a minor as an excuse for the juvenile things I do.

  • I resolve to only write columns about people who can’t hurt me, i.e. accountants, crippled children, and Will Buck.

  • I resolve not to make fun of people whose names are verb phrases, such as, “Will Buck will buck the system.”

  • I resolve to start start treating my superiors with more respect, such as calling my editor “Mr. Grimm,” instead of “Geek Face.”

  • I resolve care take of dyslexia problem my.

  • I resolve to cut off all my ties with the school newspaper so that maybe they can get out two issues without a controversy.

  • I resolve not to kill the next person I meet who says “acrost” instead of “across.”

    * * *

    AMUSING ANECDOTE O’ THE WEEK: On the day of Christmas Eve, K-Mart distributed flyers announcing that they were having a special sale that night from five until nine p.m., for everyone who suddenly realized they had forgotten to buy something. The name of the sale SHOULD have been the “Oops, I Forgot! Sale,” but the flyers, which were handwritten, said, “OPPS, I Forgot! Sale.” I can only assume that this is not what they meant. I shudder to think that the store manager sat in a meeting and said, “Let’s have a sale for last-minute shoppers who go around saying, ‘Opps!'”

    This concludes the Amusing Anecdote portion of this column. We now return you to our regularly scheduled humor.

    * * *

    But there are more important things to worry about, such as Judy Stewart’s duck. Judy Stewart is, as we go to press, still the school newspaper adviser, and just before she was supposed to come see the play I was in back in November, she had a Major Duck Crisis.

    See, her daughter has a duckling named “Puddles,” and as Judy (or, as we like to call her, “Stew”) was standing in the kitchen, preparing to come see the play, her daughter came in holding the duck. She was not holding it tightly enough, however, because Puddles leapt from her hands and landed head-first on the brick floor. The result was that Puddles now had an extremely air-conditioned head, because the flap of skin on the top of his head came off.

    Upon considering this, however, I came to the conclusion that dropping a duck straight on its head would not cause the skin to come off like that. I think Stew’s daughter took Puddles and tried to skip him, like you skip a rock across a lake. Stew denies this, as does her daughter, but of course they’re not going to admit it. All I know is that a duck falling on its head is a pretty FEEBLE excuse for missing my play. When I appear in EHS’s “Bye Bye Birdie” this spring, if Stew does not show up again, it had better be because her DAUGHTER fell on her head. And even then, I want proof.