I had a friend and he was swell,
Then something happened, shot it all to heck.
He made the biggest mistake of his life
When he asked his girlfriend to be his wife.
And now he’s got no money, and I’ll tell you why:
An engagement ring he had to buy.
There is nothing I despise more
Than seeing her showing off the size for
All her friends so they can see:
“He spent a lot of money, so he must love me!”
That’s the way to go, you bet —
Start off the marriage three thousand dollars in debt.
They’re always together, every minute,
He won’t enter a room unless she’s in it.
Our friendship has been growing slim —
I gotta make an appointment to hang out with him.
He called me and said, “Let’s hang around,”
And I figured she must be out of town.
‘Cause I know that’s something he wouldn’t have said
Unless she was out of town … or dead.
Ever since that fateful day, he and I have been estranged.
And I’ve just been the third wheel since my best friend got engaged.
They always kiss, and when they kiss, they linger
Ever since he put the ring on her finger.
They get so hot I have to turn the hose on
I’m just glad they keep their clothes on.
They’re always in a tight love grip,
Like Siamese twins attached at the lip.
I’m watching a movie that’s rated “G”,
But there’s an R-rated movie going on right next to me.
They’re just so gross to look at, and it gets me all enraged.
And I have lost my appetite since my best friend got engaged.
And I don’t know why they can’t leave each other alone.
I once saw them making out over the phone.
He’s engaged but his brain is not, and he’ll never be the same.
The only way he’ll listen to you is if you mention her name.
That girl has changed him, now he has class.
He doesn’t pick his nose, he doesn’t pass gas.
He doesn’t make fun and he doesn’t curse.
I tell you this chick has changed him for the worse!
And ever since this happened he’s been acting really strange,
And I ain’t had a moment’s peace since my best friend got —
I thought we were inseparable but — ha! — I guess we’re not —
And I just thank my lucky stars that I am not engaged!