A dumb girl thinks I’m Eric Mabius

A girl named Janet sent me this e-mail through my website’s e-mail page:

hi how are you doing? no im no writing to ask for any other celeberties my name is janet when i saw you on resident evil i thought it was scary at first but then i watched it over and over because u were in it and i like your blue eyes. and when i found out u came out on ugly betty i started watching it i have never watched it before not even when it first came out. but now im starting to wait for thursdays just to see u in it.if i ever get to make a movie ill get you as one of the characters. i really hope i can meet you one day. itll be cool if itll be on my graduation from high school this year, i would probably fall of the stage if u get a chance u can go onto my space [link provided] and see the pictures i have of u on there. well first ill have to add u as a friend i have it on private. well i really hope u do write soon i would love to hear from u keep in touch keep up the good work from janet

The funny part was that while Janet had read the warning indicating that she should not write to me for celebrities’ contact info, she failed to notice that the name “Eric D. Snider” was plastered all over the site. Whoever she thought she was writing to, it obviously was not Eric D. Snider. I have never appeared in a “Resident Evil” movie. I didn’t even want to appear in the audience of “Resident Evil.”

So I responded:

You need to pay a little more attention… I’m not in “Resident Evil.” I’m a movie critic. I wrote a review of “Resident Evil,” and you wrote to me from my website.

This was a little curt of me, true, but come on. This girl is about to graduate from high school. She needs to be smarter. I demand it!

She wrote back:

oh well sorry i didnt see your last name until after i send u the email i thought u were eric mabius. so i made a mistake there so sorryyyyyyyyyy . but oh well im not the only one who doesnt pay attension , did you meet any of the actors from resident evil or keep in contact with any of them/? im really into eric mabius i would really love it if he can come for my graduation this year. it would be like so cool. and it would mean alot also. so u do keep in touch with him i would appericaite it if u can tell him to contact me in my email . hope to hear from u soon and sorry for the mistake and i didnt read the other part i only saw when it said eric

Remember when she saw the part that said I didn’t know how to contact any celebrities? Yeah, I guess she forgot about that. I responded:

I guess you don’t know what a movie critic is. I watch a movie, then I write my opinion of it. That’s the only connection I have with the movie: I watch it. Same as you. I don’t know Eric Mabius, or any other famous person.

Janet took issue with my assertion that she doesn’t know what a movie critic is, and responded thus:

i do know what that is i thought u did know them

I have to say, if you think movie critics know all the people who act in the movies they review, then no, you don’t know what a movie critic is.

Janet’s MySpace page indicates she lives in Moreno Valley, Calif., adjacent to my own hometown of Lake Elsinore. That actually explains a lot, as Moreno Valley has been pumping out illiterate high school graduates for years.