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    All the Things That the Fiftysomething White Lady Behind Me Said Aloud During ‘The Lone Ranger’


    There was a gaggle of women in their fifties sitting behind me at “The Lone Ranger.” They LOVED it. The only thing they’d ever seen in their lives that was funnier than “The Lone Ranger” was the trailer for Vince Vaughn’s “Delivery Man” that preceded it. One of the ladies was the sort of person who cannot have thoughts without vocalizing them. Here is everything she said during the movie.

    (parroting the movie) “They jump!”
    (again) “All jump!”
    Oh, no!
    Oh! Oh, no!
    He thinks the bird is alive!
    Oh, no!
    Oh, no!
    Uh oh!
    Oh, no! Scorpions!

    (The end.)