‘American Idol’ amuses me, briefly, then doesn’t

I stayed with a friend in Las Vegas last night, and he watches “American Idol.” I gave the show up back in 2005, during the season of Carrie Underpants and Bo Bice and that other guy who was Bo Bice but with a different name. I’m two years clean now, and I’m proud of it.

But I watched it last night with my friend, and I’m glad to report that doing so did not make me fall off the wagon and back into “American Idol” addiction. My thoughts were these:

– Apparently one of the two finalists is a guy who “beat boxes,” which means he makes annoying sound effects with his mouth, just like that guy in the “Police Academy” movies.

– Apparently this is considered by some to be a laudable skill even though it is hilarious and stupid.

– Apparently the other finalist is a giantess. She dwarfs Ryan Seacrest, not that he needed dwarfing.

– Apparently there was a songwriting contest this year, and the goal was to write the cheesiest, most generic, most “American Idol”-y song you could think of. The winner was “This Is My Now,” written by Jeff Peabody and Scott Krippayne. Here are the lyrics, as sung sans beat-boxing by the beat-boxing guy:

There was a time I packed my dreams away.
Living in a shell, hiding from myself.

There was a time when I was so afraid.
I thought I’d reached the end,
But baby, that was then,
‘Cause I am made of more than my yesterdays.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around
I can’t believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.

And I have the courage like never before, yeah.
I’ve settled for less but I’m ready for more, ready for more.
This is my now.

(chorus twice)

Who will win tonight????? Who cares! Well, a lot of people do, I guess. But not me! Hooray!