Angry Letter: Crimes against Amanda Bynes shall not go unpunished

SHARE

We have a very special angry letter to discuss today. It comes from Robert Mackey, a 40-something who runs “Amanda Bynes NOW!,” a Web site obsessively devoted to the 20-year-old actress.

If the name Robert Mackey rings a bell, it’s because he has written two previous angry letters. The first came when I reviewed Amanda Bynes’ film “She’s the Man” and described it (and I’m paraphrasing here) as a putrescent, horrifically unfunny comedy made all the worse by Bynes’ embarrassing performance.

A few months later, I reviewed Lindsay Lohan’s “Just My Luck” and mentioned that it was the worst movie I’d seen since, well, “She’s the Man.” This struck Robert Mackey as an unjustified attack on his beloved Amanda Bynes, so he wrote me again to say so.

Well, then the DVD of Lohan’s “Just My Luck” came out, and I screened it for DVD Talk. The “movie review” portion of the DVD review was essentially the same as the theatrical review had been, including the Amanda Bynes reference. Obviously, Robert Mackey could not let this grievance pass unremarked. He sent me this e-mail:

I read your review of “Just My Luck,” and in the future, leave “She’s the Man” out of it. Again, you have this problem that Amanda Bynes is a punchline whenever you need to refer to a bad movie. You review films and DVDs on their own merits, don’t you?

In the future, when you hate a movie, just speak your piece, allow me to slam you for it, and move on to the next thing. Kapiche, a-hole?

Now, before we go any further, I urge you to look over Mackey’s previous e-mails, and to peruse his site, too. It really is a hilarious site. His devotion to Amanda Bynes is impressive in its fervency and creepiness. What’s more, he HATES anyone in Bynes’ demographic, seeing them all as competition. Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Hilary Duff — all grievously untalented trainwrecks in Mackey’s view. Amanda Bynes is the only teen queen worthy of adoration!

He also hates the TV show “Ghost Whisperer” and its star, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Why? Because it was on at the same time as Bynes’ “What I Like About You” last season, and its vastly superior ratings were, in Mackey’s estimation, one of the reasons “What I Like About You” got canceled. Somehow, that means “Ghost Whisperer” must be a terrible, evil show, and Jennifer Love Hewitt the spawn of Satan himself.

Oh, and when teen- or TV-focused magazines have someone on the cover who is not Amanda Bynes, they have exercised terribly poor judgment. When they have someone like Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff on the cover, you can practically feel Mackey’s rage surging across the Internet.

Anyway, upon receiving this latest angry e-mail from him, I replied with this:

Hooray! I was hoping for another e-mail from the crazy Amanda Bynes-obsessed middle-aged man!

As I was editing my theatrical review of “Just My Luck” for the DVD review, I noticed the Bynes reference (which you chided me for back in May, too). I thought: If I leave this in, will it elicit another response from creepy ol’ Robert Mackey? And sure enough, you did not disappoint me. I thank you for that.

“She’s the Man” is the worst movie I’ve seen all year (followed just barely by “Just My Luck”), and Bynes’ goggle-eyed performance is one of the worst things about it. It is only natural, then, that I should refer to it when the subject of awful movies arises. If your odd, disquieting love for Bynes is so vast that you cannot fathom such a reaction to her work, then I would say that is your problem, not mine.

Here’s to more petty and childish obsessions with teen queens!

Eric

He did not reply. Indeed, though I have replied every time he has e-mailed me, he has never replied back.

SHARE