Angry Letter: PETA

I used to make fun of PETA somewhat regularly in “Snide Remarks,” a fact which evidently came to the attention of someone named Rebecca (, who submitted this scathing rebuke. It basically boils down to “blah blah blah, I disagree with you; therefore, you are a bad writer, blah blah blah.”

Dear “D. Snider” if thats what you call yourself. [Um, no, I don’t.]
After thoroughly reading your aritcles on PETA I concluded that you are an idiot. [Really? Most people figure it out a lot sooner.]You also seem incapable of writing a humour column, and would recommend that you don’t call it that because really you are a disgrace to the world of writers. In my small amount of years upon this planet I have achieved a greater intellectual standard than you could ever hope to achieve throughout your hopefully short life. I really should eat that hat of yours [You should, or I should? Who’s eating the hat here?] not just because you are wrong but because I hope it sticks in your throat and chokes you to death. Your “writing” [Like it or not, it WAS writing, so the sarcastic quotation marks don’t make any sense] makes you sound like an old fat man who has no actual clue as to what is really happening and uses information he scrounges off the internet to write his “articles”. [Which is odd, because all the information in my PETA columns comes directly from the PETA Web site.] Feel free to email me if you ever do come up with a decent argument against PETA. They do so much good for animal welfare worldwide and deserve to be congratulated not insulted. However I do not agree with some of their principles, for instance I am not a vegetarian but you would not find a piece of battery chicken on my plate. [Battery chicken? Is that a chicken made from batteries? Or is it battery-powered chicken?] If you feel happy eating a chicken that could easily have been scalded alive then you are more inhumane then i thought possible. I suppose with these views you also find hunting acceptable. [And I suppose with your spelling and grammar errors, you are retarded. See?! Sometimes supposing things isn’t logical!] If this is true I quite agree with you! I would be perfectly happy to ride out and hound you until you can run no more before skinning you alive. [You want me to choke to death on a hat and/or to be pursued and skinned alive. and I’m the inhumane one?] If this was legal I would not hesitate to do the honours.
Please do email me I would be happy to hear with any disagreements you have with my opinion.
Oh and please take some lessons in writing, because it really is atrocious

Four minutes later, she sent this addendum:

I also suggest you use your articles as bog roll because that is all they are useful for

It took her four minutes to come up with that. “Bog roll” is British slang for toilet paper, by the way. How I would use my Internet-only columns as toilet paper, she did not explain. Instead, I shall continue to use toilet paper made from the skins of baby seals.

By the way, if you want to read my PETA columns, you can find them here:

I PETA the Fool
PETA’s Dragon
Milking It
Pet Peeves